Bluebird
Amethyst
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Post by Bluebird on Jul 17, 2024 18:50:04 GMT -6
I follow Marriage365 on IG and sometimes think they have good advice. Their latest post was about marriage boundaries and how one of theirs is no communication with exes and no following them on social media.
So then I’m reading the comments, and it’s mostly people talking about no opposite-sex friendships, no being alone with someone of the opposite sex, no texting the opposite sex outside of a group text, no guys/girls-only trips, etc., and it got me thinking. MH and I don’t have any set rules like that, and I can’t imagine ever needing to have that. I think the only thing we have is that if he ever goes to the strip club, he should tell me up front before he goes (and he hasn’t even been since a bachelor party like a decade ago).
It seemed weird to me, but am I naive and it’s common for couples to have those types of restrictions? Curious to know what others here think.
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Post by SweetPotato on Jul 17, 2024 18:59:53 GMT -6
We do not.
There are things I would get pissed if he did but it’s like…obvious stuff that shouldn’t need to be spelled out.
But it’s definitely beyond the examples you mentioned. We both keep in touch with exes, maintain friendships with old friends of the opposite sex, etc.
I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to set those boundaries if it works for the couple. But we are both aggressively independent and I would find rules like that off putting.
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Post by SweetPotato on Jul 17, 2024 19:01:17 GMT -6
I’m reading the examples again and Lordy I would probably get divorced before I’d ever agree to no girls trips
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AmyG
Ruby
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Post by AmyG on Jul 17, 2024 19:03:31 GMT -6
My husband's best friend when we met was a woman. They were together a lot. It wouldn't have made sense to try to end that.
For many years dh flew for work all over the globe with a female coworker on most trips. They put in most billable hours for months on end to complete some big projects and there was lots on times they were together and it was never a worry.
Some think it's a way to prevent something happening but I don't think so.
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Bluebird
Amethyst
Posts: 6,456 Likes: 22,490
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Post by Bluebird on Jul 17, 2024 19:04:31 GMT -6
I’m reading the examples again and Lordy I would probably get divorced before I’d ever agree to no girls trips There was one comment that they agreed not to watch shows or movies with nudity or sexual content, and if it happens to come on, they politely look away, and I cannot take those people seriously. |
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AmyG
Ruby
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Post by AmyG on Jul 17, 2024 19:05:20 GMT -6
I’m reading the examples again and Lordy I would probably get divorced before I’d ever agree to no girls trips There was one comment that they agreed not to watch shows or movies with nudity or sexual content, and if it happens to come on, they politely look away, and I cannot take those people seriously. That seems prudish |
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Post by coffeecake on Jul 17, 2024 19:13:57 GMT -6
We don’t have any set boundaries. I mean, there is obvious stuff that doesn’t need said, like actual cheating, I guess? Although my H had a female coworker who started texting him about non-work related things constantly. It made me uncomfortable when I had never had an issue with any of his coworkers the past. My H’s responses never bothered me and he never initiated personal texts with her, but it was off to me and I told him so. So I guess I made a boundary around that one person, but it’s never been a problem otherwise.
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jaygee
Diamond
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Post by jaygee on Jul 17, 2024 19:49:38 GMT -6
We do not. There are things I would get pissed if he did but it’s like…obvious stuff that shouldn’t need to be spelled out. But it’s definitely beyond the examples you mentioned. We both keep in touch with exes, maintain friendships with old friends of the opposite sex, etc. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to set those boundaries if it works for the couple. But we are both aggressively independent and I would find rules like that off putting. This is us exactly minus keeping in touch with exes (we married young and any exes were either casual or bad endings). |
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jaygee
Diamond
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Post by jaygee on Jul 17, 2024 19:51:30 GMT -6
The only time I really have a problem with these types of boundaries is if they extend to the workplace. Like I’ve heard of men (not just the former VP) who won’t take meetings alone with women. Like - ok, then you can’t be a boss because I’m not going to ruin my career options just because you, man, don’t trust your dick.
Other than that I have some private thoughts about these boundaries depending on the people.
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thatgolfb
Unicorn
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Post by thatgolfb on Jul 17, 2024 19:55:17 GMT -6
We do not. There are things I would get pissed if he did but it’s like…obvious stuff that shouldn’t need to be spelled out. But it’s definitely beyond the examples you mentioned. We both keep in touch with exes, maintain friendships with old friends of the opposite sex, etc. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to set those boundaries if it works for the couple. But we are both aggressively independent and I would find rules like that off putting. This is us exactly minus keeping in touch with exes (we married young and any exes were either casual or bad endings). Same! |
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wasabi
Moderator 
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Post by wasabi on Jul 17, 2024 20:22:06 GMT -6
I don’t really feel the need to set up “rules” because I feel like me and SO are on the same page regarding knowing what the other would find disrespectful or breaking trust.
some of these sound like something a couple has to do in response to having their trust broken.
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Post by SweetPotato on Jul 17, 2024 20:34:35 GMT -6
We do not. There are things I would get pissed if he did but it’s like…obvious stuff that shouldn’t need to be spelled out. But it’s definitely beyond the examples you mentioned. We both keep in touch with exes, maintain friendships with old friends of the opposite sex, etc. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to set those boundaries if it works for the couple. But we are both aggressively independent and I would find rules like that off putting. This is us exactly minus keeping in touch with exes (we married young and any exes were either casual or bad endings). We got married as old folks lol. And it definitely helps I never had a bad breakup. And coincidentally my whole family was in Colorado last week and we had dinner with my ex from 20+ years ago and his wife/kid. We’ve done it for so long my youngest brother didn’t even remember that’s how we all know each other |
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Cher
Global Moderator 
BMB, GD, Special Interests
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Post by Cher on Jul 17, 2024 20:59:18 GMT -6
Having those types of rules feels either #tradwife or someone cheated. I assume there is a joint FB account too.
If it works for you, so be it. It’s not for me.
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jorkzy
Emerald
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Post by jorkzy on Jul 17, 2024 21:16:28 GMT -6
The no girls trip/guys trip thing sounds kind of toxic codependent-ish.
Also sounds like boundaries in response to cheating. So… big yikes all around.
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Eagles
Opal
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Post by Eagles on Jul 17, 2024 21:30:17 GMT -6
Who has the energy for these rules?
My H goes on guys trips, casino nights, golf outings, I never even bat an eye. For all I know, he has a second wife out there somewhere. Or he's just living his best life.
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AmyG
Ruby
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Post by AmyG on Jul 17, 2024 21:37:45 GMT -6
Who has the energy for these rules? My H goes on guys trips, casino nights, golf outings, I never even bat an eye. For all I know, he has a second wife out there somewhere. Or he's just living his best life. The only time I've questioned dh trips all over, guy fishing trips, work trips whatever maybe he has another woman in his life I was looking for my phone and he asks siri "call my wife" Siri answers "which wife"? 🤪 |
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jaygee
Diamond
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Post by jaygee on Jul 17, 2024 21:39:41 GMT -6
No girls trips would be a deal breaker for me. I mean girls trips for now are yoga classes and fancy dinners and bed by 10. But still…
As would no texting the opposite sex outside of group text.
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AmyG
Ruby
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Post by AmyG on Jul 17, 2024 21:47:51 GMT -6
No girls trips would be a deal breaker for me. I mean girls trips for now are yoga classes and fancy dinners and bed by 10. But still… As would no texting the opposite sex outside of group text. Like no texting a female coworker, dr, neighbor, friend, buying something where you message someone might be opposite sex? Like you can't trust your spouse with half the people on the planet? |
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jaygee
Diamond
Posts: 29,141 Likes: 228,704
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Post by jaygee on Jul 17, 2024 21:49:00 GMT -6
No girls trips would be a deal breaker for me. I mean girls trips for now are yoga classes and fancy dinners and bed by 10. But still… As would no texting the opposite sex outside of group text. Like no texting a female coworker, dr, neighbor, friend, buying something where you message someone might be opposite sex? Like you can't trust your spouse with half the people on the planet? I text our mutual guy friends Happy Birthday, would I have to start including MH on those texts? Lol |
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STP
Diamond
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Post by STP on Jul 17, 2024 22:38:52 GMT -6
I mean I feel like we just conduct ourselves like rational adults, and that makes things like this unnecessary.
Idk.
I just can’t imagine being in relationships that require that much work and thought. It sounds exhausting.
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Post by SweetPotato on Jul 17, 2024 22:53:30 GMT -6
We don’t have any set boundaries. I mean, there is obvious stuff that doesn’t need said, like actual cheating, I guess? Although my H had a female coworker who started texting him about non-work related things constantly. It made me uncomfortable when I had never had an issue with any of his coworkers the past. My H’s responses never bothered me and he never initiated personal texts with her, but it was off to me and I told him so. So I guess I made a boundary around that one person, but it’s never been a problem otherwise. I see this falling under “everything in moderation” and sometimes it’s too much. But that’s not the same as blanket rules to me |
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Yogurt
Emerald
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Post by Yogurt on Jul 18, 2024 0:46:29 GMT -6
If my man is going to cheat, a rule isn't going to stop him. We don't have any set rules about this kind of thing, but I am uptight about him and his ex, because he has been a known liar about stuff with her before, so my feelings are deserved, I feel.
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brux
Diamond
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Post by brux on Jul 18, 2024 5:50:46 GMT -6
To quote Outback Steakhouse…
No rules, just right.
Rules aren’t going to stop someone from cheating.
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Cher
Global Moderator
BMB, GD, Special Interests
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Post by Cher on Jul 18, 2024 6:37:37 GMT -6
Yeah, our rules are “be a normal human being”. I’m at my beach house solo for most of the summer. Our next door neighbor is a SAHD and our kids are friends. So while his wife is WFH, I get the text yesterday, “hey, I gotta get the kids out of here while wife has a call, pool play date for kids this afternoon?” We spent the afternoon throwing donuts at children, confiscating water guns and breaking up fights. Like, literally the same exact thing I do when I play date with a mom. Except… he has a penis. I mean, I don’t think MH would love it if we started going to dinner alone. But then again, maybe if our friendship expanded beyond talking about how guilty we felt for yelling so much at our kids, maybe we would go to dinner.
I just operate in a way that’s respectful to MH. People that want to cheat will cheat. Rules or not. And women can cheat with women.
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Post by lucilleaustero on Jul 18, 2024 7:09:39 GMT -6
No. I would not want to be in a marriage that has rules. I am an adult, married to an adult. We respect each other's past, present, future and encourage each other to go do our own thing. Also, we trust each other.
I think couples that have those rules are naive. Rules have never prevented a spouse from straying.
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Post by GhoatMonket on Jul 18, 2024 7:12:09 GMT -6
I’m reading the examples again and Lordy I would probably get divorced before I’d ever agree to no girls trips There was one comment that they agreed not to watch shows or movies with nudity or sexual content, and if it happens to come on, they politely look away, and I cannot take those people seriously. "politely look away" killed me. The person isn't standing in front of them. They were in front of a group of people for filming though. Why would you even put in a movie that had that? |
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Post by lucilleaustero on Jul 18, 2024 7:23:45 GMT -6
My husband is a teacher. Most of my kids' friends have SAHMs. My husband's spends most of his summer days at the beach or pools with these women and all the kids. Cool, great. They are awesome.
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lucylou
Sapphire
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Post by lucylou on Jul 18, 2024 7:26:48 GMT -6
I’m reading the examples again and Lordy I would probably get divorced before I’d ever agree to no girls trips There was one comment that they agreed not to watch shows or movies with nudity or sexual content, and if it happens to come on, they politely look away, and I cannot take those people seriously. I read the first line of your comment thinking it was going to be “agreed not to watch shows or movies alone if they’ve started it with the other person” and I was nodding my head along. So I guess that’s my marriage boundary. I had to lay it down 15 years ago when, after having watched the whole season of Real World together, my husband thought it would be cool to watch the finale while I was at work….and the reunion show. The disrespect. |
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zoeylucy
Amethyst
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Post by zoeylucy on Jul 18, 2024 7:27:20 GMT -6
We have no established rules, and no reason to doubt one another. He has female friends, and one of my closest friends is male and has been a friend since we were 10 years old (that’s a 37 year friendship). I have to maintain a relationship with my ex because we share a child.
It would be exhausting to be in a relationship like that
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STP
Diamond
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Post by STP on Jul 18, 2024 7:42:53 GMT -6
If my husband told me to politely look away during Bridgerton, I'd laugh in his face.
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