Do you have established marriage boundaries?

[peachtree]

rvasc, I include both parents on child related texts for the same reason. Why is it always on the mom to deal with playdates etc.

[rvasc]

Jul 22, 2024 15:55:41 GMT -6 peachtree said:

rvasc, I include both parents on child related texts for the same reason. Why is it always on the mom to deal with playdates etc.

DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY

[roselab]

I had a situation come up where I made a new male 'friend' (I consider him a friend, but I'm still using that term loosely). We moved 3 years ago, and one of our neighbors has twin boys my ds's age, and they are good friends now. Their situation is that the mom is the breadwinner and has a high-stress, long hours job (I think she is a lawyer, I've only talked to her a handful of times) and the dad subs in the school district like I do, but otherwise is a SAHD. We usually only text about logistics of plans for the kids, but I definitely only text him and don't add his spouse or mine if it's the 2 of us that are involved in the plans/logistics. I have had times where he texted me asking me to pick up a kid (they are all in band together) and I've said I'm out of town at the moment, text my dh.
But while we aren't friends in the sense that I would text him about stuff not related to the kids or make plans to hang out with just him, if we're at a school function for just parents, we sit together and chat, and when the kids are somewhere, we often stay and chat instead of just dropping off.

While I get that it's unusual to make new friends of the opposite sex at this stage of life, esp. ones that aren't 'couple' friends, I can imagine individual situations where it does happen, and I think it's fine as long as everyone truly is just being friendly and there are reasons the friendship is new, such as a change like for us moving, or a new job, or any other 'new' thing.

[gimmeaQ]

Jul 18, 2024 8:48:12 GMT -6 piratecat said:

We don’t have rules but I am too fucking tired to cheat. If I had time to pursue another romantic relationship, I would much rather take a nap.

still reading through the thread but my husband and i do joke about this. like, who has the time and energy? let alone the audacity?!

[peachtree]

Jul 23, 2024 7:52:48 GMT -6 gimmeaQ said:

Jul 18, 2024 8:48:12 GMT -6 piratecat said:

We don’t have rules but I am too fucking tired to cheat. If I had time to pursue another romantic relationship, I would much rather take a nap.

still reading through the thread but my husband and i do joke about this. like, who has the time and energy? let alone the audacity?!

I recently learned that a women in my small town had an affair and that was literally what I said to my friend who has the energy to do that?!

[gimmeaQ]

i do know of a real-life situation where a man had a secret family in a different country. it was obviously devastating to the wife and kids when they found out, so i'm not making light of the scenario at all.

but my gosh. that sounds absolutely exhausting. throwing my H a surprise party was the limit of my secret-keeping apparently.

[icedcoffee]

I think as I've gotten older my answer to this has changed. I don't have the energy or desire to babysit another adult...if we don't know how to act in a relationship by now then maybe we shouldn't be in one.

Honestly I think I'd be offended if someone added me to a group chat to ask my husband for something. Like how insecure in my relationship do you think I am?

[cabbagecabbage]

My husband is two clicks above a hermit and has his three core friends he’s had for years plus work buddies. Recently he has befriended a new coworker who’s a woman a few years younger than us. She’s a recent transplant to the area, new mom, and same type of manager as my husband. They grab a beer together sometimes. He tells me they talk about work and kids. I mean, could it all be a lie?!?!?! It could, but I know my husband well and he communicates with me and I trust him. Some of my friends have spouses who if they told me their husband was meeting a younger coworker after work, I’d have some personal thoughts about it. It’s not a double standard as much as knowing the person. Some people need that shared Facebook account.

The only boundary misunderstandings we have are about sharing personal stuff with my friends. The personal stuff in question is my husband’s reactions about a big family news, not sex details or finances. He’s pretty private and I’ve had to learn his comfort levels because I’m a yapper with my sister and best friend.

[rvasc]

I love when McBenny says “big age.” It’s so much better than old.

[CestLaVie]

Jul 23, 2024 5:54:49 GMT -6 roselab said:

I had a situation come up where I made a new male 'friend' (I consider him a friend, but I'm still using that term loosely). We moved 3 years ago, and one of our neighbors has twin boys my ds's age, and they are good friends now. Their situation is that the mom is the breadwinner and has a high-stress, long hours job (I think she is a lawyer, I've only talked to her a handful of times) and the dad subs in the school district like I do, but otherwise is a SAHD. We usually only text about logistics of plans for the kids, but I definitely only text him and don't add his spouse or mine if it's the 2 of us that are involved in the plans/logistics. I have had times where he texted me asking me to pick up a kid (they are all in band together) and I've said I'm out of town at the moment, text my dh.
But while we aren't friends in the sense that I would text him about stuff not related to the kids or make plans to hang out with just him, if we're at a school function for just parents, we sit together and chat, and when the kids are somewhere, we often stay and chat instead of just dropping off.

While I get that it's unusual to make new friends of the opposite sex at this stage of life, esp. ones that aren't 'couple' friends, I can imagine individual situations where it does happen, and I think it's fine as long as everyone truly is just being friendly and there are reasons the friendship is new, such as a change like for us moving, or a new job, or any other 'new' thing.

One of my DS' friends has a professor mom and a SAH dad. We chat a lot at the kids activities and I am friends with his wife. She told me that he loves being a SAHD but finds it super isolating because he doesn't get included on playdates or people don't want to text him type of thing, mostly because of rules like in this thread. That's kind of crappy too I think.  I know him from playdates/hockey and he's a very nice guy, we've exchanged numbers for arranging rides and playdates and it's never been anything except playdate acquaintance stuff so I don't believe he's doing anything wrong either. 

I find this very akin to not take meetings with women also. Both are just super limiting for no good reason.

[babybean]

Jul 23, 2024 8:35:02 GMT -6 CestLaVie said:

Jul 23, 2024 5:54:49 GMT -6 roselab said:

I had a situation come up where I made a new male 'friend' (I consider him a friend, but I'm still using that term loosely). We moved 3 years ago, and one of our neighbors has twin boys my ds's age, and they are good friends now. Their situation is that the mom is the breadwinner and has a high-stress, long hours job (I think she is a lawyer, I've only talked to her a handful of times) and the dad subs in the school district like I do, but otherwise is a SAHD. We usually only text about logistics of plans for the kids, but I definitely only text him and don't add his spouse or mine if it's the 2 of us that are involved in the plans/logistics. I have had times where he texted me asking me to pick up a kid (they are all in band together) and I've said I'm out of town at the moment, text my dh.
But while we aren't friends in the sense that I would text him about stuff not related to the kids or make plans to hang out with just him, if we're at a school function for just parents, we sit together and chat, and when the kids are somewhere, we often stay and chat instead of just dropping off.

While I get that it's unusual to make new friends of the opposite sex at this stage of life, esp. ones that aren't 'couple' friends, I can imagine individual situations where it does happen, and I think it's fine as long as everyone truly is just being friendly and there are reasons the friendship is new, such as a change like for us moving, or a new job, or any other 'new' thing.

One of my DS' friends has a professor mom and a SAH dad. We chat a lot at the kids activities and I am friends with his wife. She told me that he loves being a SAHD but finds it super isolating because he doesn't get included on playdates or people don't want to text him type of thing, mostly because of rules like in this thread. That's kind of crappy too I think.  I know him from playdates/hockey and he's a very nice guy, we've exchanged numbers for arranging rides and playdates and it's never been anything except playdate acquaintance stuff so I don't believe he's doing anything wrong either. 

I find this very akin to not take meetings with women also. Both are just super limiting for no good reason.

Both scenarios here sound like being friendly vs being friends, to me.

[STP]

Jul 23, 2024 8:21:49 GMT -6 cabbagecabbage said:

My husband is two clicks above a hermit and has his three core friends he’s had for years plus work buddies. Recently he has befriended a new coworker who’s a woman a few years younger than us. She’s a recent transplant to the area, new mom, and same type of manager as my husband. They grab a beer together sometimes. He tells me they talk about work and kids. I mean, could it all be a lie?!?!?! It could, but I know my husband well and he communicates with me and I trust him. Some of my friends have spouses who if they told me their husband was meeting a younger coworker after work, I’d have some personal thoughts about it. It’s not a double standard as much as knowing the person. Some people need that shared Facebook account.

You know your husband, and that's what matters.

For the context of the conversation we are having on this thread, I would not be ok with the situation at all. She should be talking about kids and work with her partner or her existing friends. The fact that she isn't, and needs to grab a beer with a married man,  tells me there are emotional needs on her end not being met. 

Hermits w/ two friends are likely more vulnerable to this kind of thing, to be perfectly honest. 

[babybean]

Jul 23, 2024 8:06:28 GMT -6 peachtree said:

Jul 23, 2024 7:52:48 GMT -6 gimmeaQ said:

still reading through the thread but my husband and i do joke about this. like, who has the time and energy? let alone the audacity?!

I recently learned that a women in my small town had an affair and that was literally what I said to my friend who has the energy to do that?!

A friend from high school recently reached out to get an outside opinion on getting a second wife. I made clear how much time and money it involved and he put the kibosh on the idea quickly lol.

ETA context: he’s devout Muslim in the UAE. A lot of his family have second wives. Our spouses know we caught up and spoke. His wife already gave second wife approval.

[babybean]

Jul 23, 2024 9:02:36 GMT -6 STP said:

Jul 23, 2024 8:21:49 GMT -6 cabbagecabbage said:

My husband is two clicks above a hermit and has his three core friends he’s had for years plus work buddies. Recently he has befriended a new coworker who’s a woman a few years younger than us. She’s a recent transplant to the area, new mom, and same type of manager as my husband. They grab a beer together sometimes. He tells me they talk about work and kids. I mean, could it all be a lie?!?!?! It could, but I know my husband well and he communicates with me and I trust him. Some of my friends have spouses who if they told me their husband was meeting a younger coworker after work, I’d have some personal thoughts about it. It’s not a double standard as much as knowing the person. Some people need that shared Facebook account.

You know your husband, and that's what matters.

For the context of the conversation we are having on this thread, I would not be ok with the situation at all. She should be talking about kids and work with her partner or her existing friends. The fact that she isn't, and needs to grab a beer with a married man,  tells me there are emotional needs on her end not being met. 

Hermits w/ two friends are likely more vulnerable to this kind of thing, to be perfectly honest. 

My only close friends are my sisters and Pumpkinwest. It would be weird for me to grab a beer with a married man. There’s a difference between these scenarios and being barred from ever conversing with whatever sex one is romantically interested in. I don’t find it controlling, I find it respectful but understand everyone’s dynamics are different.

[cabbagecabbage]

Jul 23, 2024 9:02:36 GMT -6 STP said:

Jul 23, 2024 8:21:49 GMT -6 cabbagecabbage said:

My husband is two clicks above a hermit and has his three core friends he’s had for years plus work buddies. Recently he has befriended a new coworker who’s a woman a few years younger than us. She’s a recent transplant to the area, new mom, and same type of manager as my husband. They grab a beer together sometimes. He tells me they talk about work and kids. I mean, could it all be a lie?!?!?! It could, but I know my husband well and he communicates with me and I trust him. Some of my friends have spouses who if they told me their husband was meeting a younger coworker after work, I’d have some personal thoughts about it. It’s not a double standard as much as knowing the person. Some people need that shared Facebook account.

You know your husband, and that's what matters.

For the context of the conversation we are having on this thread, I would not be ok with the situation at all. She should be talking about kids and work with her partner or her existing friends. The fact that she isn't, and needs to grab a beer with a married man,  tells me there are emotional needs on her end not being met. 

Hermits w/ two friends are likely more vulnerable to this kind of thing, to be perfectly honest. 

And that’s a fair point. I trust my husband but I don’t necessarily trust her. I don’t know her. I will at more attention to this friendship than to his guy friends but I’m okay with it for now.

[piratecat]

Now that I think about it, my husband does occasionally get drinks with both men and women he works with and I've never thought anything of it but I can understand if that feels weird for your relationship.

[newspapers]

Jul 23, 2024 8:14:03 GMT -6 gimmeaQ said:

i do know of a real-life situation where a man had a secret family in a different country. it was obviously devastating to the wife and kids when they found out, so i'm not making light of the scenario at all.

but my gosh. that sounds absolutely exhausting. throwing my H a surprise party was the limit of my secret-keeping apparently.

I hear of these things and I’m like…how? That would tap out my executive function.

[STP]

Jul 23, 2024 9:26:20 GMT -6 piratecat said:

Now that I think about it, my husband does occasionally get drinks with both men and women he works with and I've never thought anything of it but I can understand if that feels weird for your relationship.

In a group, it's not weird. If there is a specific thing going on and they want to debrief over a beer after work once, I wouldn't think much of it.

If it were a regular thing? If it was meeting up outside of the immediate end of work?

Nah. 

[rvasc]

Jul 23, 2024 11:33:12 GMT -6 STP said:

Jul 23, 2024 9:26:20 GMT -6 piratecat said:

Now that I think about it, my husband does occasionally get drinks with both men and women he works with and I've never thought anything of it but I can understand if that feels weird for your relationship.

In a group, it's not weird. If there is a specific thing going on and they want to debrief over a beer after work once, I wouldn't think much of it.

If it were a regular thing? If it was meeting up outside of the immediate end of work?

Nah. 

Same. But it’s not a rule in my marriage because… this would just never happen? Or if it did, there would be a conversation first?

[McBenny]

Jul 23, 2024 5:54:49 GMT -6 roselab said:

I had a situation come up where I made a new male 'friend' (I consider him a friend, but I'm still using that term loosely). We moved 3 years ago, and one of our neighbors has twin boys my ds's age, and they are good friends now. Their situation is that the mom is the breadwinner and has a high-stress, long hours job (I think she is a lawyer, I've only talked to her a handful of times) and the dad subs in the school district like I do, but otherwise is a SAHD. We usually only text about logistics of plans for the kids, but I definitely only text him and don't add his spouse or mine if it's the 2 of us that are involved in the plans/logistics. I have had times where he texted me asking me to pick up a kid (they are all in band together) and I've said I'm out of town at the moment, text my dh.
But while we aren't friends in the sense that I would text him about stuff not related to the kids or make plans to hang out with just him, if we're at a school function for just parents, we sit together and chat, and when the kids are somewhere, we often stay and chat instead of just dropping off.

While I get that it's unusual to make new friends of the opposite sex at this stage of life, esp. ones that aren't 'couple' friends, I can imagine individual situations where it does happen, and I think it's fine as long as everyone truly is just being friendly and there are reasons the friendship is new, such as a change like for us moving, or a new job, or any other 'new' thing.

See for me, this man wouldn't even be in my mind under "my" friend. 

It's my kid's friend's parent. 

Again, y'all not texting and hanging out outside of the children despite conversations maybe being other topics. For me, it's not the same thing as me making a new male friend. 

[STP]

Also, maybe this is just me but I am not overly interested in talking to men at the moment other than the ones in my family/current roster of close friends.

I've had enough of men.

As a species.

To generalize.

[piratecat]

Jul 23, 2024 11:33:12 GMT -6 STP said:

Jul 23, 2024 9:26:20 GMT -6 piratecat said:

Now that I think about it, my husband does occasionally get drinks with both men and women he works with and I've never thought anything of it but I can understand if that feels weird for your relationship.

In a group, it's not weird. If there is a specific thing going on and they want to debrief over a beer after work once, I wouldn't think much of it.

If it were a regular thing? If it was meeting up outside of the immediate end of work?

Nah. 

I meant both men and women but individually, so not in a group setting. And not always coworkers, so not always "after work" but sometimes just after work hours is when it happens. It's generally like a business meeting but more casual. But not a "regular" thing with any particular person so I guess that's a distinguishing factor for me. 

[piratecat]

Jul 23, 2024 12:54:13 GMT -6 STP said:

Also, maybe this is just me but I am not overly interested in talking to men at the moment other than the ones in my family/current roster of close friends.

I've had enough of men.

As a species.

To generalize.

I'm mostly here too. I am actively trying to make more friends as a family/couple and I am friendly with plenty of very nice dads but when I think about pursuing a friendship outside of hanging out as families, it's the women I want to get a drink with without the kids. I do maintain existing male friendships. 

[AmyG]

I don't think I would care at all if dh were to "suddenly" become best friends with a female and start doing things with each other alone. I mean more power to her if she can drag his ass out of this house and off to do things lol.

I take issue that at a big age I can't make new male friends and dh at a bigger age can't make new female friends either.
It doesn't mean I have some big hole in my existence that I'm trying to fill if I find comraderies with another person and become more than passing friends with a female or a male. Like my dh cannot completely fill my whole existence, no matter how we fit together like puzzle pieces for 40 almost years now . Sometimes talking about everything under the sun with someone not your spouse is good for you. some of mine and his old time friends showed their asses about trump so looking for new friends that are more like minded politically.

[Cher]

I think it’s a “know your person” thing. I had a “man of honor” in my wedding. I lived in a frat house when I dated MH. I took two dudes to my high school dance because I had 2 guy BFFS in high school. I have always been someone who has had close male friendships. So, if I get drinks or text a guy friend, MH isn’t flinching, because I have always been that way.

MH and I were at dinner on Saturday night and ran into a guy from my college and upon realizing we lived close to each other at the beach, exchanged numbers to get together with our kids. MH jokingly teased me about “scoring digits” but he’s mostly just relieved I won’t ask him to hang out with us. That said, if I never had male relationships, he prob would raise an eyebrow if I suddenly was talking or hanging out with a guy. Prior history likely factors in to your experience.

[babybean]

Jul 23, 2024 13:21:25 GMT -6 AmyG said:

I don't think I would care at all if dh were to "suddenly" become best friends with a female and start doing things with each other alone. I mean more power to her if she can drag his ass out of this house and off to do things lol.

I take issue that at a big age I can't make new male friends and dh at a bigger age can't make new female friends either.
It doesn't mean I have some big hole in my existence that I'm trying to fill if I find comraderies with another person and become more than passing friends with a female or a male. Like my dh cannot completely fill my whole existence, no matter how we fit together like puzzle pieces for 40 almost years now . Sometimes talking about everything under the sun with someone not your spouse is good for you. some of mine and his old time friends showed their asses about trump so looking for new friends that are more like minded politically.

No one said you can’t make new friends, we’re talking about our personal boundaries and what makes sense in our relationship dynamics.

[mapleme]

MH is only one click from a hermit (cabbagecabbage's H sounds like a social butterfly in comparison). But he also has a female former coworker that he occasionally has drinks/dinner with. They used to share an office until she left. If anything were to happen, it would be easier for it to have happened at work rather than at any public location in our small town. They often (but not always) have drinks at the bar that her partner works at (it's an amazing bar). MH hates people and I'm glad when he finds someone that he likes. I love us both having social and emotional connections outside of our very monogamous relationship.

I think that the real takeaway is that different relationships have different needs. If all participating partners are open and respectful about needs then it's all good. It's always weird/annoying when someone else's relationship needs become your issue (like when you strike up a friendship with someone who then starts dating someone who doesn't approve of opposite sex friendships). But at this big age I definitely care less than I used to.

[Rusty Red]

Jul 23, 2024 14:55:30 GMT -6 Cher said:

I think it’s a “know your person” thing. I had a “man of honor” in my wedding. I lived in a frat house when I dated MH. I took two dudes to my high school dance because I had 2 guy BFFS in high school. I have always been someone who has had close male friendships. So, if I get drinks or text a guy friend, MH isn’t flinching, because I have always been that way.

MH and I were at dinner on Saturday night and ran into a guy from my college and upon realizing we lived close to each other at the beach, exchanged numbers to get together with our kids. MH jokingly teased me about “scoring digits” but he’s mostly just relieved I won’t ask him to hang out with us. That said, if I never had male relationships, he prob would raise an eyebrow if I suddenly was talking or hanging out with a guy. Prior history likely factors in to your experience.

If we end up doing an actual wedding, I thought about having my male best friend walk me down the aisle. My dad and I have a weird relationship and I just don't want him doing it.

[Cher]

Jul 24, 2024 9:16:02 GMT -6 Rusty Red said:

Jul 23, 2024 14:55:30 GMT -6 Cher said:

I think it’s a “know your person” thing. I had a “man of honor” in my wedding. I lived in a frat house when I dated MH. I took two dudes to my high school dance because I had 2 guy BFFS in high school. I have always been someone who has had close male friendships. So, if I get drinks or text a guy friend, MH isn’t flinching, because I have always been that way.

MH and I were at dinner on Saturday night and ran into a guy from my college and upon realizing we lived close to each other at the beach, exchanged numbers to get together with our kids. MH jokingly teased me about “scoring digits” but he’s mostly just relieved I won’t ask him to hang out with us. That said, if I never had male relationships, he prob would raise an eyebrow if I suddenly was talking or hanging out with a guy. Prior history likely factors in to your experience.

If we end up doing an actual wedding, I thought about having my male best friend walk me down the aisle. My dad and I have a weird relationship and I just don't want him doing it.

That would be sweet! My mom walked me. I know you’re close to your mom, so that could be an option too.

[angelashly]

Jul 24, 2024 9:16:02 GMT -6 Rusty Red said:

Jul 23, 2024 14:55:30 GMT -6 Cher said:

I think it’s a “know your person” thing. I had a “man of honor” in my wedding. I lived in a frat house when I dated MH. I took two dudes to my high school dance because I had 2 guy BFFS in high school. I have always been someone who has had close male friendships. So, if I get drinks or text a guy friend, MH isn’t flinching, because I have always been that way.

MH and I were at dinner on Saturday night and ran into a guy from my college and upon realizing we lived close to each other at the beach, exchanged numbers to get together with our kids. MH jokingly teased me about “scoring digits” but he’s mostly just relieved I won’t ask him to hang out with us. That said, if I never had male relationships, he prob would raise an eyebrow if I suddenly was talking or hanging out with a guy. Prior history likely factors in to your experience.

If we end up doing an actual wedding, I thought about having my male best friend walk me down the aisle. My dad and I have a weird relationship and I just don't want him doing it.

Dd walked me and it was such an amazing memory for all of us