Do you have established marriage boundaries?

[wasabi]

Jul 18, 2024 14:47:52 GMT -6 hellosweetie said:

Those aren't even boundaries. Calling it a boundary is like weaponizing therapy speak when it's really an attempt to control. "Well this is my boundary so you can't or else". Obviously it's nuanced and your boundary can absolutely be similar but it's in the wording and outcome.


You can't control what other people do you can only control what you do. A boundary is a self statement of what you will tolerate/ are okay with. Telling someone else what they can't do (like look at the tv if boobs come on) is ridiculous. I can't even think of a better example but still

And let's be honest people who want to cheat will cheat. Not letting your spouse have friends will not stop them. These all seem like insecurities and control issues.

100%

[tookie]

Rules dont matter. People will do whatever they want no matter how much it hurts and destroys the other person.

[FlightView]

Jul 18, 2024 14:04:50 GMT -6 zoeylucy said:

Jul 18, 2024 13:17:57 GMT -6 FlightView said:

Yes, kidnapping is a real worry of mine. So locations on.

I do share location with DS for this reason.

I meant someone kidnapping me 😂

[YakkityYak]

How do you all feel about giving rides?

My SO and I both have given rides to opposite sex coworkers.

I had someone tell me once their boundary in their marriage was never being alone with the opposite sex even to give them a ride so I think about that randomly sometimes.

[newspapers]

Jul 18, 2024 18:42:28 GMT -6 YakkityYak said:

How do you all feel about giving rides?

My SO and I both have given rides to opposite sex coworkers.

I had someone tell me once their boundary in their marriage was never being alone with the opposite sex even to give them a ride so I think about that randomly sometimes.

A ride is a favor and a necessity and just being a generous colleague. I give and take rides from the colleagues who happen to live near me, both of whom are men.

[lucilleaustero]

Jul 18, 2024 18:42:28 GMT -6 YakkityYak said:

How do you all feel about giving rides?

My SO and I both have given rides to opposite sex coworkers.

I had someone tell me once their boundary in their marriage was never being alone with the opposite sex even to give them a ride so I think about that randomly sometimes.

My husband teaches in an elementary school, so he has only 3 male coworkers. He has carpooled with the same woman for 4 years now. Gas goes fast when you drive everyday from my county to Queens. Carpooling with her has probably saved us thousands over the years.

[gussie]

Some of those are a little out there. We just use common sense, and we trust each other. If I didn’t trust my husband to take a vacation or talk to a woman, I wouldn’t want to be married to him because that sounds exhausting.

We did have a neighbor that started calling him on the phone and she would talk for hours. I thought it was weird and told him that, but it wasn’t because I didn’t trust him, she just bothered me.

[Cher]

Jul 18, 2024 13:19:56 GMT -6 frantastic said:

I did not have any of those rules in my marriage, and XH’s infidelity did not occur as a result of any of the scenarios listed. And rules wouldn’t have stopped him anyway.

As a single woman, I do usually include wives on a text even if I only need to text the husband.

For example, I needed to ask my friend’s husband if he could pick up something from FB marketplace for me with his truck. I included my friend (the wife) on the text, even though she wouldn’t have any hand in the pickup of the item. She’s also never given the slightest indication that she would have an issue with me texting him only. But I just feel more comfortable doing that because I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression.

I totally get that line of thinking. My example is not the same.

There’s a couple couples that won’t text unless their spouse and my spouse is on the text. Like, MH texts mom to say “on my way to pick up kid from playdate”. Mom literally adds her H and me to text before replying “ok”. (Actual example.) Other parents have said, “hey… do they always put their spouse and yours on the text?” So I know it’s not just us. But it never reads to me like they have some amazing open communication relationship. It just feels like there’s no trust.

[byjove]

Jul 19, 2024 9:44:24 GMT -6 Cher said:

Jul 18, 2024 13:19:56 GMT -6 frantastic said:

I did not have any of those rules in my marriage, and XH’s infidelity did not occur as a result of any of the scenarios listed. And rules wouldn’t have stopped him anyway.

As a single woman, I do usually include wives on a text even if I only need to text the husband.

For example, I needed to ask my friend’s husband if he could pick up something from FB marketplace for me with his truck. I included my friend (the wife) on the text, even though she wouldn’t have any hand in the pickup of the item. She’s also never given the slightest indication that she would have an issue with me texting him only. But I just feel more comfortable doing that because I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression.

I totally get that line of thinking. My example is not the same.

There’s a couple couples that won’t text unless their spouse and my spouse is on the text. Like, MH texts mom to say “on my way to pick up kid from playdate”. Mom literally adds her H and me to text before replying “ok”. (Actual example.) Other parents have said, “hey… do they always put their spouse and yours on the text?” So I know it’s not just us. But it never reads to me like they have some amazing open communication relationship. It just feels like there’s no trust.

In a scenario like that (which I do see sometimes), I've always assumed it's because the parent texting isn't home and the other is? Perhaps I am naïve.

[Cher]

Jul 19, 2024 9:58:32 GMT -6 byjove said:

Jul 19, 2024 9:44:24 GMT -6 Cher said:

I totally get that line of thinking. My example is not the same.

There’s a couple couples that won’t text unless their spouse and my spouse is on the text. Like, MH texts mom to say “on my way to pick up kid from playdate”. Mom literally adds her H and me to text before replying “ok”. (Actual example.) Other parents have said, “hey… do they always put their spouse and yours on the text?” So I know it’s not just us. But it never reads to me like they have some amazing open communication relationship. It just feels like there’s no trust.

In a scenario like that (which I do see sometimes), I've always assumed it's because the parent texting isn't home and the other is? Perhaps I am naïve.

It’s not just pickup situations. It’s any text that requires one parent to text another, all parents are added to the chat. Like I said, other parents have brought it up to me. So it’s very much a rule and not “I’m not home right now.”

ETA: and if it was, why add me?

[FlightView]

I also will add the spouse to a text.

Maybe it’s just a trauma response because in my non-trusting marriage I would’ve appreciated being added to a text like that.

In Chers perspective, I understand her point because in a normal relationship, why would or should the spouse be added?

[mapleme]

My first boyfriend was controlling about friendships that had long pre-dated him and after leaving that relationship I decided that I would never be in another relationship that did that. About 10 years later I was in a new exciting relationship and the new man dropped a, "People in relationships shouldn't have opposite sex friendships," (I have lots, but I don't think he knew that yet). I was all, "oh crap, do I have to apply my rule and drop this guy? Maybe it's not so bad." So I pushed back and said, "That seems arbitrary, what about people who are bisexual. They can't have any friends?" Then he said, "I wouldn't want a woman like that around my children." Oh. I dropped his ass right there. It felt good.

MH is very aware of my "rule" about opposite sex friendships. I have always had a lot of male friends because I'm just like that and no man is worth sacrificing my friendships. But I've also been super clear that if I ever do anything that makes him question my behavior, then let's talk about it and make sure that he feels comfortable. But just on the basis of the genitals of my friend? No.

There is another couple that we vacation with regularly and the H and I are both night owls and our spouses are not. So our spouses go to bed and he and I talk about all kinds of things for hours (usually business things, since we're both self employed). I'm glad that MH trusts me (and our friend) because those late night chats are just great.

[agm04]

This thread is making me think of the butt bumping scene in I'm Sorry. (Please tell me someone else has seen that.)

[rvasc]

I had a next door neighbor who creeped me out and I always cced his wife. They moved! (Because they got divorced). So now I don’t have any male friends/acquaintances that I cc their wives. My work bestie is a gay man and I text him all the time. But he’s the exception. All the other people that I text with regularly about life, emotions, gossip, etc. are women. I don’t think I’d want to be close to a man in the way I’m close to my women friends. It would be weird for me, but I text men for logistical reasons all the time and don’t CC their wives. If I had a habit of being friends with men that’d be different and I assume my marriage would operate differently.

I will say that for work, when communicating about a child, I always text both parents if applicable just as a way to stick it to the patriarchy. And I have more than a few dads in my congregation who actually do seem to be the default parent. Mostly of much younger kids.

[Cher]

Jul 19, 2024 11:44:21 GMT -6 FlightView said:

I also will add the spouse to a text.

Maybe it’s just a trauma response because in my non-trusting marriage I would’ve appreciated being added to a text like that.

In Chers perspective, I understand her point because in a normal relationship, why would or should the spouse be added?

Which proves my point. I assume something is going on trust-wise when someone is doing that. But for me, I’m over here like, why am I on this text? I don’t care about a carpool I’m not involved in. Get me off.

[FlightView]

Jul 19, 2024 12:27:49 GMT -6 Cher said:

Jul 19, 2024 11:44:21 GMT -6 FlightView said:

I also will add the spouse to a text.

Maybe it’s just a trauma response because in my non-trusting marriage I would’ve appreciated being added to a text like that.

In Chers perspective, I understand her point because in a normal relationship, why would or should the spouse be added?

Which proves my point. I assume something is going on trust-wise when someone is doing that. But for me, I’m over here like, why am I on this text? I don’t care about a carpool I’m not involved in. Get me off.

Right. As this thread goes on, I just got a text from my cousins boyfriend and he added her to the text too 😆

Maybe an exception is if we’re all friends and it’s more like a group chat. I have a couple of those too. Where we text memes and BS everyday

[snowyowl]

Didn’t when I was married, don’t with my current boyfriend. It’s always been a mix of common sense and case by case basis. I’m generally in the camp of: if someone is going to cheat, it’s not going to be just because opportunity presents itself. It’s because they want to, and the opportunity will come up eventually.

My boyfriend is a nurse, so a lot of his good friends are women from nursing school. His ExW wasn’t a fan of that, so we had to have some discussions where he was reassuring me about situations I wasn’t concerned about to begin with.

[Cher]

Jul 19, 2024 12:32:37 GMT -6 FlightView said:

Jul 19, 2024 12:27:49 GMT -6 Cher said:

Which proves my point. I assume something is going on trust-wise when someone is doing that. But for me, I’m over here like, why am I on this text? I don’t care about a carpool I’m not involved in. Get me off.

Right. As this thread goes on, I just got a text from my cousins boyfriend and he added her to the text too 😆

Maybe an exception is if we’re all friends and it’s more like a group chat. I have a couple of those too. Where we text memes and BS everyday

Yes group chat is not what I’m talking about at all. I’m talking like when my husband coaches Little League and the mom wants to know if there’s practice tonight and suddenly myself, her husband, and their minister is cc’d on the text and we’re all over here like

[FlightView]

lol

[piratecat]

I’m a passionate car pooler and I do not discriminate.

[gussie]

It’s funny because I’ve never really thought too deep about it, but every single time there’s communication with another couple, it’s either the two husbands, me and the wife or all four of us. And I’m talking like a dozen group chats. I assumed that was just an unspoken rule because literally everyone I know does it.

[GhoatMonket]

Jul 21, 2024 13:02:54 GMT -6 gussie said:

It’s funny because I’ve never really thought too deep about it, but every single time there’s communication with another couple, it’s either the two husbands, me and the wife or all four of us. And I’m talking like a dozen group chats. I assumed that was just an unspoken rule because literally everyone I know does it.

Again, this isn't group chats. Like I text the dad of DS's friend because he's the work at home parent and I will be doing drop off/pick up. He would immediately add H even he had zero involvement. 

I found it weird as fuck at the time, and then a couple years later when he and his wife separated, it kinda made more sense. He was making sure he wasn't texting another woman about coming to the house while his wife wasn't home without a third party knowing what was happening. 

It was weird then. It's weird now. It's one thing if he'd text us both if trying to arrange things but when I am directly reaching out one on one and it's clear I will be the adult involved in the child transaction, it's weird as fuck to add my husband in on the conversation. He doesn't care. Many times he wasn't in the state. "Why the fuck is C copying me on this?" No clue H. No clue. 

[adelbert]

Just had exactly this situation. My youngest son's best friend was over for a day. I organized it with the mom but she told me to Whatsapp the dad on the day to organize the pick up as he would be picking him up. Which I did, neither spouse was Cc'd at anytime and both would have questioned why they were being included if they were.

[rvasc]

Oh I C does have one friend where we group text both parents but it’s because mom works overnights rotating days and I never know who is in charge of the kid.

[Rusty Red]

Not married yet, but fiance and I both have opposite sex best friends. Can't imagine this much effort.

[McBenny]

Jul 17, 2024 18:59:53 GMT -6 SweetPotato said:

I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to set those boundaries if it works for the couple. But we are both aggressively independent and I would find rules like that off putting.

This is us. 

[McBenny]

Jul 18, 2024 7:53:42 GMT -6 Bluebird said:

I just remembered that we have another one - no eating the other person’s leftovers without asking first. One time H ate my leftover Thai that I was looking forward to and I almost murdered him. 😆

I just feel this falls under common sense and being a decent human not a marriage rule. The fact that I would have to spell this out to you is a red flag to re-evaluate the relationship.

[bobyn]

Jul 22, 2024 12:30:16 GMT -6 McBenny said:

Jul 18, 2024 7:53:42 GMT -6 Bluebird said:

I just remembered that we have another one - no eating the other person’s leftovers without asking first. One time H ate my leftover Thai that I was looking forward to and I almost murdered him. 😆

I just feel this falls under common sense and being a decent human not a marriage rule. The fact that I would have to spell this out to you is a red flag to re-evaluate the relationship.

DH is v v v serious about food, no joking about food or meals around him. I roll my eyes to myself, but let him live his foodie life in peace.

[McBenny]

Jul 18, 2024 13:28:09 GMT -6 Nota🎃 said:

Jul 18, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -6 STP said:

Eh, if my H suddenly had a close friendship with a new woman, I wouldn't be happy about it. Being friendly in the office, or whatever, is not what I mean. Of course it's ok for him to talk to, joke with, have rapport with other women. 

But while I have absolutely no real worries about infidelity, it's weird that another woman would want to get closer than that to a married man with two children. Texting after hours or wanting to meet up. It is not the same as a lifelong friend who I have familiarity with, who possibly even predated me though at this point that would be hard to do as we've been together since the sophomore year of college. 

It would be more about her intentions than his. My H is darling and as clueless as a sitcom husband. I would feel the need to clue him in, but I also trust he wouldn't push back against me. I think that's the key, he would never want me to be uncomfortable. It wouldn't be a "rule," it would be respecting his partner who has never once in 23 years together felt the need to say something. So he would take it seriously. 

Because again, rational adults. 

She said MH doesn’t have female friends so it’d be weird if he struck up a relationship at this point.
Which reads to me as any form of friendship.
I'm not talking super close text all the time BFFs. Just friends.

I think you're nitpicking it. At this big age, what would be the need to make a female friend at this point? To me friend means more than coworker stuff. You can be friendly at work but what would be the need to exchange numbers for what? Why do you need to talk outside of work? (If the job doesn't have one of those weird after-hours thing). Chat for what? Hang out? No. 

And I don't think I am a prude but I can't imagine the need or reason for me to have a male friend at this big age. 

[McBenny]

A new male friend, let me clarify - NEW