kayc
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Post by kayc on Jul 18, 2024 7:44:52 GMT -6
I mean I feel like we just conduct ourselves like rational adults, and that makes things like this unnecessary. Idk. I just can’t imagine being in relationships that require that much work and thought. It sounds exhausting. Exactly this
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Bluebird
Amethyst
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Post by Bluebird on Jul 18, 2024 7:53:42 GMT -6
I just remembered that we have another one - no eating the other person’s leftovers without asking first. One time H ate my leftover Thai that I was looking forward to and I almost murdered him. 😆
Seriously though, H & I just got back from visiting one of his best friends, who is a woman. We stayed with her and her family, and it was a wonderful time. I just can’t fathom banning him from having that friendship, and I’m glad to now also co siderbher my friend as well.
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Post by babybean on Jul 18, 2024 8:17:33 GMT -6
We don’t have set rules but MH doesn’t have female friends so it’d be weird if he struck up a relationship at this point. I have friends who avert their gaze and don’t watch content with nudity for religious/cultural reasons and I don’t think they’re crazy boundaries, they just aren’t boundaries I have. MH is very respectful and trustworthy but there’s nothing I can do to prevent him from cheating if he decides that’s what he’s going to do. For me, if I have to have an exhaustive list of hard rules hoping to prevent cheating it isn’t a relationship I want to be in. I assume most people have soft rules/boundaries and check in with their partners as things come up that should be discussed. I’m not checking in if there’s a playdate and the dads bringing the kids or if MH has to work on a project with a woman. Thats just…human interaction?
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piratecat
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Post by piratecat on Jul 18, 2024 8:48:12 GMT -6
We don’t have rules but I am too fucking tired to cheat. If I had time to pursue another romantic relationship, I would much rather take a nap.
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Post by GhoatMonket on Jul 18, 2024 9:25:51 GMT -6
If my husband told me to politely look away during Bridgerton, I'd laugh in his face. I'm assuming tits & dragons (GOT) was not on their watch list.
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roselab
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Post by roselab on Jul 18, 2024 9:50:55 GMT -6
We do not. I could see maybe setting boundaries in new situations as they come up, like if dh got a NEW female coworker he really hit it off with and became friends with (or met a new woman somewhere else, but I can't really imagine where), I would want to meet her and might set some boundaries with texting her one on one about non-work related stuff. This is the only situation I can really imagine, because it happened to my bff's husband, and both she/he realized he was basically starting an emotional affair with the coworker and had to cut it off, and they have one of the strongest relationships I am around, and I saw how much damage just him talking and connecting with a woman who wasn't his wife did, and how long it took for her to get over it. I have no problem with texting/hanging out with friends of the opposite sex that are mutual friends. Like, my bff was friends with my dh before he and I got together, and she and her family are more like family to us. I text her/her dh interchangeably when it comes to some things (like making plans for our kids) and she texts my dh plenty too. I think it would be weird if I sought to hang out with bff's dh one on one just the two of us, but there are plenty of times we end up being the only 2 adults at our kids' events/hangouts, and we vacation with them often, so all the adults end up spending time with just another in all combinations.
And if dh was going on a 'guy's trip' we might talk about how much money he would expect to spend. If he was going to a bachelor party and I knew they were going to go to a strip club or have strippers, I might remind him what kind of behavior I think is respectful to our relationship, but if he was unexpectedly in that situation and we didn't talk about it beforehand, I wouldn't be particularly worried.
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willow
Ruby
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Post by willow on Jul 18, 2024 10:06:03 GMT -6
My first marriage had rules like this, imposed on me only. It was not a reciprocal rule that applied to both of us. But obviously the circumstances there were different.
My H and I have no rules like those mentioned. Having experienced a relationship that did, I can say having trust and understanding is wonderful. Also, since I am bi, it would mean rules like this extended to both sexes and then I’d just be friendless? lol. My H has two female coworkers that he is close with and they all have a group text that they utilize a lot. It has never occurred to me to be bothered.
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STP
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Post by STP on Jul 18, 2024 10:22:22 GMT -6
We don’t have set rules but MH doesn’t have female friends so it’d be weird if he struck up a relationship at this point. I have friends who avert their gaze and don’t watch content with nudity for religious/cultural reasons and I don’t think they’re crazy boundaries, they just aren’t boundaries I have. MH is very respectful and trustworthy but there’s nothing I can do to prevent him from cheating if he decides that’s what he’s going to do. For me, if I have to have an exhaustive list of hard rules hoping to prevent cheating it isn’t a relationship I want to be in. I assume most people have soft rules/boundaries and check in with their partners as things come up that should be discussed. I’m not checking in if there’s a playdate and the dads bringing the kids or if MH has to work on a project with a woman. Thats just…human interaction? But people can make new friends as married adults. WTF do I know, I'm not married. But I do volunteer and socialize. I've talked to married men and I consider them friends, but nothing beyond that. Eh, if my H suddenly had a close friendship with a new woman, I wouldn't be happy about it. Being friendly in the office, or whatever, is not what I mean. Of course it's ok for him to talk to, joke with, have rapport with other women. But while I have absolutely no real worries about infidelity, it's weird that another woman would want to get closer than that to a married man with two children. Texting after hours or wanting to meet up. It is not the same as a lifelong friend who I have familiarity with, who possibly even predated me though at this point that would be hard to do as we've been together since the sophomore year of college. It would be more about her intentions than his. My H is darling and as clueless as a sitcom husband. I would feel the need to clue him in, but I also trust he wouldn't push back against me. I think that's the key, he would never want me to be uncomfortable. It wouldn't be a "rule," it would be respecting his partner who has never once in 23 years together felt the need to say something. So he would take it seriously. Because again, rational adults.
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Post by babybean on Jul 18, 2024 10:32:20 GMT -6
We don’t have set rules but MH doesn’t have female friends so it’d be weird if he struck up a relationship at this point. I have friends who avert their gaze and don’t watch content with nudity for religious/cultural reasons and I don’t think they’re crazy boundaries, they just aren’t boundaries I have. MH is very respectful and trustworthy but there’s nothing I can do to prevent him from cheating if he decides that’s what he’s going to do. For me, if I have to have an exhaustive list of hard rules hoping to prevent cheating it isn’t a relationship I want to be in. I assume most people have soft rules/boundaries and check in with their partners as things come up that should be discussed. I’m not checking in if there’s a playdate and the dads bringing the kids or if MH has to work on a project with a woman. Thats just…human interaction? But people can make new friends as married adults. WTF do I know, I'm not married. But I do volunteer and socialize. I've talked to married men and I consider them friends, but nothing beyond that. For sure! Life and relationships continue to develop and evolve. MH is friendly with other women but wouldn’t establish a friendship where they’re hanging out solo or texting a lot or sharing emotional things etc. That’s not something I’ve imposed, it’s his preference. I too am friendly but don’t see myself establishing a close friendship with another male, which is just my personal comfort level too. A shift in this dynamic all of a sudden would be weird.
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AmyG
Ruby
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Post by AmyG on Jul 18, 2024 10:33:36 GMT -6
We don’t have set rules but MH doesn’t have female friends so it’d be weird if he struck up a relationship at this point. I have friends who avert their gaze and don’t watch content with nudity for religious/cultural reasons and I don’t think they’re crazy boundaries, they just aren’t boundaries I have. MH is very respectful and trustworthy but there’s nothing I can do to prevent him from cheating if he decides that’s what he’s going to do. For me, if I have to have an exhaustive list of hard rules hoping to prevent cheating it isn’t a relationship I want to be in. I assume most people have soft rules/boundaries and check in with their partners as things come up that should be discussed. I’m not checking in if there’s a playdate and the dads bringing the kids or if MH has to work on a project with a woman. Thats just…human interaction? But people can make new friends as married adults. WTF do I know, I'm not married. But I do volunteer and socialize. I've talked to married men and I consider them friends, but nothing beyond that. Yes I've made guy friends dh made girl friends thru the years as we've been married. Volunteering I'd have evening texting and calls with guys and we'd meet just us at the scout lodge to go over paperwork for summer camp or clean out anf fix something and all sorts of things that meant one one one with someone from opposite sex. Sometimes we'd grab a taco and just the idea that I couldn't do that because it's one one one and that's against a rule of some kind feels icky ad a marriage rule. Keeping it a secret that would be wrong.
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Post by GhoatMonket on Jul 18, 2024 11:18:15 GMT -6
But people can make new friends as married adults. WTF do I know, I'm not married. But I do volunteer and socialize. I've talked to married men and I consider them friends, but nothing beyond that. Eh, if my H suddenly had a close friendship with a new woman, I wouldn't be happy about it. Being friendly in the office, or whatever, is not what I mean. Of course it's ok for him to talk to, joke with, have rapport with other women. But while I have absolutely no real worries about infidelity, it's weird that another woman would want to get closer than that to a married man with two children. Texting after hours or wanting to meet up. It is not the same as a lifelong friend who I have familiarity with, who possibly even predated me though at this point that would be hard to do as we've been together since the sophomore year of college. It would be more about her intentions than his. My H is darling and as clueless as a sitcom husband. I would feel the need to clue him in, but I also trust he wouldn't push back against me. I think that's the key, he would never want me to be uncomfortable. It wouldn't be a "rule," it would be respecting his partner who has never once in 23 years together felt the need to say something. So he would take it seriously. Because again, rational adults. Making a new friend doesn't mean making them your brand new bestie from day one. Yes, that would be concerning. Meeting someone new that you get along with? Not concerning. All of the other stuff you have listed isn't normal friend stuff, but someone trying to hide things.
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FlightView
Sapphire
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Post by FlightView on Jul 18, 2024 11:40:34 GMT -6
Oh lord did we have boundaries; some brought on ourselves and some through marriage counseling. In the end, like others have said, if there’s a will there’s a way. And it’s so easy when the spouse that wants to cheat works a weeks long rotational shift away from the home. Some boundaries we had: -sharing phone pins/passwords and for all social media accounts -not going out to bars late at night -not engaging friendships with opposite sex -not spending a certain amount of money without talking about it. Then he took out a $20K loan without talking about it. And was not transparent about where money was being spent, I never did see what he spent that money on. None of my business now. There’s more I’m not remembering.
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thatgolfb
Unicorn
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Post by thatgolfb on Jul 18, 2024 12:03:43 GMT -6
We don’t have rules but I am too fucking tired to cheat. If I had time to pursue another romantic relationship, I would much rather take a nap. This sums up my entire outlook on cheating. If my H cheated, I think I would be more jealous he found the time. Also mad that he used the time he could be using to watch the kids so I can have time to myself. I’m mostly jk but seriously, who has the time and energy to cheat? 😂
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FlightView
Sapphire
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Post by FlightView on Jul 18, 2024 12:05:40 GMT -6
Oh, sharing location was one too.
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zoeylucy
Amethyst
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Post by zoeylucy on Jul 18, 2024 12:26:32 GMT -6
Oh, sharing location was one too. DH and I don’t currently share location, but I’d actually like to. This is only because he does most of the grocery shopping on his way home from work, and I could check to see if he’s at the store when we run out of things and ask him to get them (I work from home)
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AmyG
Ruby
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Post by AmyG on Jul 18, 2024 12:40:09 GMT -6
Oh we don't have share location on
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Post by GhoatMonket on Jul 18, 2024 12:54:36 GMT -6
Oh we don't have share location on that seems like a lot of work. It's fine if you do it. I'm just lazy and won't check.
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STP
Diamond
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Post by STP on Jul 18, 2024 12:58:02 GMT -6
Oh we don't have share location on I didn’t know we did until my kids started texting me when I was in the SBX drive thru to bring them summer berry blasts 🙄 Truly I don’t even know how to check that. I’m sure I could figure out but he’s here almost always. They’re all here almost always.
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rvasc
Emerald
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Post by rvasc on Jul 18, 2024 13:11:47 GMT -6
I have location sharing on because I don’t trust OTHER people and want my H to find me if I get kidnapped. Also I go for runs and walks, etc. However, I think only my kid knows how to use it.
We don’t have rules, we just talk to each other. Feels normal.
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FlightView
Sapphire
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Post by FlightView on Jul 18, 2024 13:16:58 GMT -6
I share location with a lot of people; besides my kids I share with 10 other people that are a mix of family and friends.
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FlightView
Sapphire
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Post by FlightView on Jul 18, 2024 13:17:57 GMT -6
Yes, kidnapping is a real worry of mine. So locations on.
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Post by frantastic on Jul 18, 2024 13:19:56 GMT -6
I did not have any of those rules in my marriage, and XH’s infidelity did not occur as a result of any of the scenarios listed. And rules wouldn’t have stopped him anyway.
As a single woman, I do usually include wives on a text even if I only need to text the husband.
For example, I needed to ask my friend’s husband if he could pick up something from FB marketplace for me with his truck. I included my friend (the wife) on the text, even though she wouldn’t have any hand in the pickup of the item. She’s also never given the slightest indication that she would have an issue with me texting him only. But I just feel more comfortable doing that because I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression.
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Post by bearfootzcontinued on Jul 18, 2024 13:21:07 GMT -6
Our basic rule has been "If you would be pissed at me if I did it, then you probably shouldn't do it".
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leahcar
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Post by leahcar on Jul 18, 2024 13:32:31 GMT -6
Honestly, no.
We have each not liked the attention someone else was paying our spouse at a point in time. The other was respectful of that feeling both times.
MH was a SAHD for years and now he's a teacher. I work in a very male dominated field. We each spend way more time with the opposite sex than the same one. Boundaries like Mike and Mother wouldn't work for our professional lives.
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claudia
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Post by claudia on Jul 18, 2024 13:59:18 GMT -6
But people can make new friends as married adults. WTF do I know, I'm not married. But I do volunteer and socialize. I've talked to married men and I consider them friends, but nothing beyond that. For sure! Life and relationships continue to develop and evolve. MH is friendly with other women but wouldn’t establish a friendship where they’re hanging out solo or texting a lot or sharing emotional things etc. That’s not something I’ve imposed, it’s his preference. I too am friendly but don’t see myself establishing a close friendship with another male, which is just my personal comfort level too. A shift in this dynamic all of a sudden would be weird. Yeah, I've recently become "friends" with a couple guys because we both coach kids' sports in the same league but like 90% of our conversations are either "hey can you drop off the scoreboard" or "can A ride home with you after practice?" It's friendship but it isn't the deeper friendship I have had with some of the guys I've known forever. I think it's just different. Plus the fact that when we're together there are about 30 9-11 year olds around which really precludes any romantic temptation.
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zoeylucy
Amethyst
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Post by zoeylucy on Jul 18, 2024 14:02:37 GMT -6
Oh we don't have share location on I didn’t know we did until my kids started texting me when I was in the SBX drive thru to bring them summer berry blasts 🙄 Truly I don’t even know how to check that. I’m sure I could figure out but he’s here almost always. They’re all here almost always. Use cases like these are why I’d be ok sharing location. 😂
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zoeylucy
Amethyst
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Post by zoeylucy on Jul 18, 2024 14:04:50 GMT -6
Yes, kidnapping is a real worry of mine. So locations on. I do share location with DS for this reason.
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Post by hellosweetie on Jul 18, 2024 14:47:52 GMT -6
Those aren't even boundaries. Calling it a boundary is like weaponizing therapy speak when it's really an attempt to control. "Well this is my boundary so you can't or else". Obviously it's nuanced and your boundary can absolutely be similar but it's in the wording and outcome.
You can't control what other people do you can only control what you do. A boundary is a self statement of what you will tolerate/ are okay with. Telling someone else what they can't do (like look at the tv if boobs come on) is ridiculous. I can't even think of a better example but still
And let's be honest people who want to cheat will cheat. Not letting your spouse have friends will not stop them. These all seem like insecurities and control issues.
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Post by coffeecake on Jul 18, 2024 15:07:31 GMT -6
We don’t have set rules but MH doesn’t have female friends so it’d be weird if he struck up a relationship at this point. I have friends who avert their gaze and don’t watch content with nudity for religious/cultural reasons and I don’t think they’re crazy boundaries, they just aren’t boundaries I have. MH is very respectful and trustworthy but there’s nothing I can do to prevent him from cheating if he decides that’s what he’s going to do. For me, if I have to have an exhaustive list of hard rules hoping to prevent cheating it isn’t a relationship I want to be in. I assume most people have soft rules/boundaries and check in with their partners as things come up that should be discussed. I’m not checking in if there’s a playdate and the dads bringing the kids or if MH has to work on a project with a woman. Thats just…human interaction? But people can make new friends as married adults. WTF do I know, I'm not married. But I do volunteer and socialize. I've talked to married men and consider them friends, but nothing beyond that. Absolutely. When I had a problem with my H’s coworker, she was texting him multiple times at night after work, on the weekends, etc. It was not a normal friendly amount of communication. And she was also married with kids and I was like wtf? The final straw was when she was texting him while we were on vacation. She obviously knew where he was and I was pissed our family time away was being interrupted by her. It was not okay. My husband works with a small team of people and there is always texting about work and sometimes group texts about non-work stuff, but this crossed a line. And my H was respectful and when I pointed it out and asked him to address it. I had never done that about anyone in our 20 years together. And I haven’t since.
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STP
Diamond
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Post by STP on Jul 18, 2024 15:16:12 GMT -6
Eh, if my H suddenly had a close friendship with a new woman, I wouldn't be happy about it. Being friendly in the office, or whatever, is not what I mean. Of course it's ok for him to talk to, joke with, have rapport with other women. But while I have absolutely no real worries about infidelity, it's weird that another woman would want to get closer than that to a married man with two children. Texting after hours or wanting to meet up. It is not the same as a lifelong friend who I have familiarity with, who possibly even predated me though at this point that would be hard to do as we've been together since the sophomore year of college. It would be more about her intentions than his. My H is darling and as clueless as a sitcom husband. I would feel the need to clue him in, but I also trust he wouldn't push back against me. I think that's the key, he would never want me to be uncomfortable. It wouldn't be a "rule," it would be respecting his partner who has never once in 23 years together felt the need to say something. So he would take it seriously. Because again, rational adults. She said MH doesn’t have female friends so it’d be weird if he struck up a relationship at this point.Which reads to me as any form of friendship. I'm not talking super close text all the time BFFs. Just friends. ok
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