Soggy Saturday

[Sunny41]

Sept 25, 2018 4:24:23 GMT -6 wineallthetime said:

Sept 24, 2018 19:18:49 GMT -6 Sunny41 said:

I Agree that annoying kids can ruin parties but I wonder why the kids are that way. Are they in foster care? Single parent that is so tired at the end of the day they can barely discipline? On the spectrum? It's a struggle for me to teach our kids to be inclusive of those that are different and be protective. I have the same issue with those who have endured head trauma and say inappropriate things or act creepy. I don't know. I'm rambling

I think this is...a huge stretch. To have the first things that pop in your mind be foster care or a single parent when you meet an annoying kid? That's also kind of offensive. I know plenty of single parent families that have amazing, polite and well behaved kids. Some kids are just annoying. Or come from a home with married parents.

I can see how it would be stretch but foster care is the case with 2 stories I've heard from our K about the bad kid.

[jewels]

I agree it’s a stretch.

The jerk in S class is from a 2 parent home. Mom seems to be a jerk too, from my brief interactions with her

My friend, who’s a single mom to a boy who she adopted after being his foster mom for 2 years, works very hard to teach her son to act right.

[tgrimes]

Sept 24, 2018 19:18:49 GMT -6 Sunny41 said:

I Agree that annoying kids can ruin parties but I wonder why the kids are that way. Are they in foster care? Single parent that is so tired at the end of the day they can barely discipline? On the spectrum? It's a struggle for me to teach our kids to be inclusive of those that are different and be protective. I have the same issue with those who have endured head trauma and say inappropriate things or act creepy. I don't know. I'm rambling

Wow.  

I'm just....wow.

[klong11]

Sunny41 your comment reminds me of something my friend's XH told her when she wanted a divorce. He told her they couldn't get a divorce because then their kids would become drug addicts. There children were 10 and 4 at the time.

It's a very close-minded comment. Do SOME children in single parent homes/foster care/living with Grandma or Auntie V end up as a "bad kid", sure. Do SOME children in 2 parent homes with completely "normal" upbringings end up as a "bad kid", absolutely. Only children, children with 1 sibling, children with 18 siblings. You can't pin point 1 single factor that will 100% make a child one that acts out. Absolutely not.

And don't get me started on your comment about traumatic brain injuries, that was just....no.

I teach my daughter that no 2 people are alike. Their past, their present, their future. It doesn't matter how they get around, 2 feet, no feet, wheelchairs. It doesn't matter how they speak, English, Spanish, sign language. The one thing that should remain consistent is how YOU treat them and that is with a kind heart and a gentle hand. If someone needs help and you have the ability to do so, then do it. Be THAT person.

[jewels]

klong11 well said. I’ve started and stopped writing 3 different posts and I just can’t quite get the words out.

[tgrimes]

Y'all have all heard about my nephew and the issues my sister has had with him. He's "that kid." He's not from foster care, a single parent family or on the spectrum and my sister has tried everything to help him. It has nothing to do with their parenting, discipline or his upbringing.

[guster]

So well said, @klongoria!

[chrisy01]

Sept 25, 2018 7:55:08 GMT -6 guster said:

So well said, @klongoria!

+1

[dapostrophe]

Sept 25, 2018 7:27:09 GMT -6 klong11 said:

I teach my daughter that no 2 people are alike. Their past, their present, their future. It doesn't matter how they get around, 2 feet, no feet, wheelchairs. It doesn't matter how they speak, English, Spanish, sign language. The one thing that should remain consistent is how YOU treat them and that is with a kind heart and a gentle hand. If someone needs help and you have the ability to do so, then do it. Be THAT person.

I agree with this of course, but how much of it is just conceptual if you (general you) aren't actually interacting day to day with those that are different? I think it goes beyond just telling our kids to be kind and inclusive and instead showing them that being kind and inclusive can sometimes be hard and uncomfortable. It means inviting the kid no one likes to your party, or showing up when they have one. It means (for us parents) reaching across language barriers or awkwardness to have dialougue with those with completely different cultures or disabilities or limited socioeconomic resources. It means making it a priority to normalize the "others" because let's face it, many of our kids probably live in a bubble and don't have tons of friends with no feet or who speak English as a second language. Sometimes it's more subtle than that, and the kid is just a pain in the ass (for whatever reason).

Obviously, this is a much bigger conversation than birthday parties, but I think we can all be a little guilty of thinking our kids are entitled some sort of comfort in the world, rather than being aware that it is a privilege...one that we have a moral obligation to extend to others. Our actions teach our kids what kinds of barriers exist between them and others, much more than our words ever will.

[klong11]

dapostrophe, yes, the 2 feet, no feet thing stems from her braces and actually quite a few of the kids in her class, English is their second language and they have very different cultural backgrounds than us.

[xolastunicornxo]

@klongoria and dapostrophe +1 to everything. As the parent to a child who communicates mostly in ASL, and whose interactions can sometimes come across as strange because deaf culture is a little different (lots of physical contact, lots of big expressions) alI want is for kids to look past the differences and see that he is exactly the same as them. He is lucky to have Brothers and a gaggle if neighborhood friends who are learning sign alongside him and always find ways to communicate.

[snoopmommymom]

I just finished reading this thread and it made me remember a time in elementary school where i was invited to a boy’s bday party from my class(i usually only got invited to girl’s parties). I told my mom i wanted to go, so we bought a gift and she dropped me off. His family did not speak English and i was the only kid from school who showed up. But his family was so happy i came, treated me well, and i had the best time playing bozo buckets in his kitchen with pots and pans. I still remember that. Looking back, I’m glad my mom let me go to the party.

[chrisy01]

Sept 25, 2018 9:39:53 GMT -6 snoopmommymom said:

I just finished reading this thread and it made me remember a time in elementary school where i was invited to a boy’s bday party from my class(i usually only got invited to girl’s parties). I told my mom i wanted to go, so we bought a gift and she dropped me off. His family did not speak English and i was the only kid from school who showed up. But his family was so happy i came, treated me well, and i had the best time playing bozo buckets in his kitchen with pots and pans. I still remember that. Looking back, I’m glad my mom let me go to the party.

Honestly I was hoping bringing LO to the party would change my perception of the boy (j) but it didn’t. I just hope the mom realizes why no one from school showed up and she has her kid treat the other kids better.

[vino]

Being inclusive in a genuine way is wonderful, it allows for barriers to be moved, people to be heard and relationships to be formed because yes, we are all here to get along with others, I dont doubt that. But I am really bothered that this inclusiveness talk is coming from this specific birthday party talk. This started with Chrisy attending a birthday party for a kid that she has been very vocal about before, during and after the party, that she doesnt care for, and even breathed a sigh of relief when LO had said he didnt want this kid at his party. But then to be somewhat 'praised', IMO, for going to the party at all is really disturbing, then numerous anecdotes of people saying that they invite everyone or will go to everyone's. I urge people to think about what they are saying and why, why are you going to invite everyone? Why are you going to the party? Is it with a true heart to understand where these people are, to find out the good in everyone, and to truly celebrate the birthday kid, or any occasion?

To be somewhere physically doesnt make you (general you) inclusive.

I really resonate with Goldi's comment about using the discretion at this time to make the possible outcome for the intended party, because we want that, we want a successful party with true genuine fun. It may or may not have been directed at my comments about not inviting kids to parties, but I can read between the lines. I live a very genuine life, I know my truths and my faults. I know where I can make improvements and am very, very self aware and in turn live an honest life. I cannot fathom going somewhere without genuine intention of joy, I don't live that life.

Full disclosure, I've been trying to write a post for a couple days and keep erasing it because I'm not sure I can communicate this properly and am really not trying to start a fight, or call people out for negative reasons, but to have inclusiveness mentioned when it seems fake doesn’t sit well with me.

[Sunny41]

Wait, i didn't say that being in one situation always leads to another. I listed a few examples of cases that I know have been encountered at our elementary recently or that I have experienced. I specifically said I struggle with teaching my kid to be inclusive while also teaching them to protect themselves. Why is it bad to point out that in some situations kids aren't taught at home what good behavior is or that in some cases (spectrum and frontal lobe injury and ODD) a child is "wired" differently. In some cases, showing love and good behavior and correcting bad behavior has the ability to change the bad behavior. In some cases an individual will likely always manifest this behavior. And yes in some cases it is the temperament of the child.
How do we teach our kids to treat those that cannot change bad behavior or those from different circumstances? Avoidance plus love? Polite but not friendly? How do we actually manifest that? I don't know the answers. I know there isn't one answer.

I think what dapostrophe said is closer to what I am trying to say. I know of possible situations I/E might be placed in but right now in our expensive paid for daycare and middle class subdivision we aren't experiencing that. I want to say that I will be inclusive but how will I act when it comes time.

[Sunny41]

Sept 25, 2018 9:44:32 GMT -6 vino said:

Being inclusive in a genuine way is wonderful, it allows for barriers to be moved, people to be heard and relationships to be formed because yes, we are all here to get along with others, I dont doubt that. But I am really bothered that this inclusiveness talk is coming from this specific birthday party talk. This started with Chrisy attending a birthday party for a kid that she has been very vocal about before, during and after the party, that she doesnt care for, and even breathed a sigh of relief when LO had said he didnt want this kid at his party. But then to be somewhat 'praised', IMO, for going to the party at all is really disturbing, then numerous anecdotes of people saying that they invite everyone or will go to everyone's. I urge people to think about what they are saying and why, why are you going to invite everyone? Why are you going to the party? Is it with a true heart to understand where these people are, to find out the good in everyone, and to truly celebrate the birthday kid, or any occasion?

To be somewhere physically doesnt make you (general you) inclusive.

I really resonate with Goldi's comment about using the discretion at this time to make the possible outcome for the intended party, because we want that, we want a successful party with true genuine fun. It may or may not have been directed at my comments about not inviting kids to parties, but I can read between the lines. I live a very genuine life, I know my truths and my faults. I know where I can make improvements and am very, very self aware and in turn live an honest life. I cannot fathom going somewhere without genuine intention of joy, I don't live that life.

Full disclosure, I've been trying to write a post for a couple days and keep erasing it because I'm not sure I can communicate this properly and am really not trying to start a fight, or call people out for negative reasons, but to have inclusiveness mentioned when it seems fake doesn’t sit well with me.

i get what you are saying and I think it communicates your point well

[klong11]

Sunny41 , perhaps when the situation arises just follow the lead of your child. I think a lot of the differences we, as adults, see children don't notice. If your child asks questions or questions the behavior of another child, then you answer to the best of your ability. I don't think there can be specific answers in hypotheticals because all situations will be different.

[tgrimes]

Sept 25, 2018 9:51:27 GMT -6 Sunny41 said:

Wait, i didn't say that being in one situation always leads to another. I listed a few examples of cases that I know have been encountered at our elementary recently or that I have experienced. I specifically said I struggle with teaching my kid to be inclusive while also teaching them to protect themselves. Why is it bad to point out that in some situations kids aren't taught at home what good behavior is or that in some cases (spectrum and frontal lobe injury and ODD) a child is "wired" differently. In some cases, showing love and good behavior and correcting bad behavior has the ability to change the bad behavior. In some cases an individual will likely always manifest this behavior. And yes in some cases it is the temperament of the child.
How do we teach our kids to treat those that cannot change bad behavior or those from different circumstances? Avoidance plus love? Polite but not friendly? How do we actually manifest that? I don't know the answers. I know there isn't one answer.

I think what dapostrophe said is closer to what I am trying to say. I know of possible situations I/E might be placed in but right now in our expensive paid for daycare and middle class subdivision we aren't experiencing that. I want to say that I will be inclusive but how will I act when it comes time.

Sorry, but no. What you said in your original post is not even close to anything dapostrophe said.

Go back and read what you actually wrote and then you’ll see why we reacted the way we did.

Also your comment about traumatic brain injuries is really insensitive being that someone on here recently went through this with a family member.

[dapostrophe]

vino the conversation broadened beyond chrisy01's specific situation once we started discussing where and when we draw the lines for when to "include" someone. These are the real life examples of when we choose to move barriers, and encourage people to be heard and relationships to be formed. I don't think anyone is suggesting that we as parents should not use discernment or trust our own judgements on what is best for our kids, but people have chimed in to show how those times they stepped out of their comfort zone had impact. I don't think it's fair to imply anyone is being inauthentic.

[chrisy01]

I think we all need to make decisions based on that moment in our kids lives. At the moment I had to decide if LO should go, he wanted to go and I thought maybe J will be different in a non-school setting. I hoped for the good outcome that LO had imagined he would have. When it didn’t, I was sad not only for LO because I think he thought J was his friend and discovered he’s a jerk. But also for J and his mom, they probably realized that j doesn’t really have friends at school and I hope the mom realizes it’s because of the hitting and fighting.

If J has any other parties we are invited to, we will not go because LO doesn’t like him and J always hits him (I’ve now seen it and know his mom doesn’t think it’s a big deal with 100% certainty). Even if LO wants to go I will not put him in a situation where he feels he needs to physically defend himself. LO didn’t get hurt physically at the party.

As for inviting him to lo’s party I am going to have to talk to the director on the schools invite policy. I would love to invite the whole class but it is wrong to single out 1 kid, even with good reasons. So if I can get LO to pick a few friends that’s what we’ll do. If I can’t hand out invites at school I will meet up with the parents at either drop off or pick to get their addresses.

LO learned a tough lesson this weekend. That not everyone is a true friend. It sucks he learned it this early in life but he learned it on a decision he made for himself and it will be something he hopefully remembers and will help he form great friendships in the future because he knows what a bad friend is like.

It’s sad that we have to screen our kids friends at this age but we do. I just hope we all is us look at the big picture and what’s best for our kids at each moment.

[klong11]

chrisy01, I think you made the right decision. You have given multiple chances, seen the parenting style in action, and let LO decide for himself if he still wants to try and be friends with the boy. Hopefully, as time passes, the parents will see, and maybe the boy will see for himself, that certain actions and behaviors just aren't ok if you want to keep friends.

[chrisy01]

Sept 25, 2018 11:37:46 GMT -6 klong11 said:

chrisy01, I think you made the right decision. You have given multiple chances, seen the parenting style in action, and let LO decide for himself if he still wants to try and be friends with the boy. Hopefully, as time passes, the parents will see, and maybe the boy will see for himself, that certain actions and behaviors just aren't ok if you want to keep friends.

Thanks.