bobyn
Diamond
local baby-making menace
Posts: 27,047 Likes: 165,798
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Post by bobyn on Feb 6, 2018 9:29:28 GMT -6
I don't know if I'm going to word this correctly but whatever, it's somethign that I've been kicking around in my head a lot lately. I think, for me personally, one of the biggest realizations or shifts in understanding that I have been undergoing is just how controlled I need to be in my food choices, and how dedicated I need to be in my working out/exercise life, to reach my goals. Part of this is due to the horrible diet I had and the extremely sedentary life I generally lead, so there are major changes. But for me, the realization that I actually need to work out multiple times a week, every single week, and make good food choices 9 times out of 10, for the rest of time, has been a big one to process. It's not a diet/quick fix. It's just that I literally need to alter the way I live my life. I wish I could LT this more than once. You are where I was last April, and it really has been a huge undertaking. With my forced leave due to the car accident and time out of the gym, I still tried really hard to make good food choices and it's been so good to see positive results, especially when not exercising.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 9:30:20 GMT -6
brux , 7yo girls already talk so much about getting fat and fattening foods, and my kid is active and lean, and I want her to be able to enjoy a few years before she starts tracking what she eats. She knows that we exercise and she knows to talk about healthy foods and eating fruits and vegetables. I don’t want her to have to worry about her weight until she does (need to worry about it.) I feel like we're two ships passing in the night. Cookies aren't the enemy. Your daughter already noticed that moms don't eat treats and worry about getting fat. She already is receiving the messages you don't want her to learn. Yes, she is already learning these. She has friends with fitbits whose parents make sure they hit a minimum number of steps per day. Little girls already talk about how they “can’t eat cookies because cookies make you fat.” I really hope to teach her something else. I want her to exercise for the love of movement and not as a tool for burning off your lunch. I want her to eat apples and broccoli because they taste good and they nourish her body and not as punishment for not working out this morning. And I honestly don’t know the best way to do that, but I try.
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Post by roguelily on Feb 6, 2018 9:31:06 GMT -6
I’ve lost 20-30 pounds 3 times ( after college, and after both babies). The magic thing for me was always running. I’m slow AF but I did couch to 5k and made myself stick to it, then built up to half marathons. I have a sensitive runner’s stomach and in order to not want to die while running, I literally cannot eat anything heavy for hours beforehand. No one wants to throw up fast food while out for a jog. Therefore, I made myself stick to my running schedule (4 runs per week)and everything flowed from there. I never specifically limited anything and definitely ate what felt right on my non-run days, which was often several cookies or pizza .
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dc2london
Admin
Press Secretary
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Post by dc2london on Feb 6, 2018 9:34:17 GMT -6
One of the things that has also shifted that I think is awesome is the notion that "strong is the new skinny". In a lot of media, there is a shifted focus on strong, athletic bodies and workouts versus waif thin silhouettes. To me that's really inspiring because ultimately what I'm after is a body that works for me and can keep up with my kids, and also looks pretty decent naked on top of my husband. TMI? This is usually what I strive for. I want to be healthy, strong, and look decent in skinny jeans. I'm not working toward some unattainable (for me) waifish Kate Moss body, and the idea in my head of how I'd like my body to look has nothing to do with the patriarchy.
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Post by lucilleaustero on Feb 6, 2018 9:34:38 GMT -6
I know I grew up with parents that did not think twice about talking about weight gain as though it were a cancer. I grew up with serious body issues that I do not want to pass down. However, chubbiness runs on both my side and my husband's side of the family, so we want to install healthy habits in our kids.
DD is 6.5, she notices everything. So, when I did not have dessert this Sunday when my parents were over, she asked why. I told her that sometimes mommy's body feels sluggish after eating sugar and that I like to feel strong. I am really trying not to quantify types of food with weight, but I do not want to brush it off with a "mommy is full" thing.
To me, it is all in the framing. For most people, people are healthier when they are at an optimal and sustainable weight. I do not think it is bad to say this out loud. It is not shaming to say that eating healthy and exercise should be the ideal.
Personally, I have tried every diet under the sun. I go through periods of working out regularly and periods where I do not. I am joining a gym Saturday. Aiming for 4 days a week at the gym and 40 minutes of walking on non-gym days. The only "diet" that has ever worked for me is cutting portions. It is a salve to my soul to know that I can still eat whatever I want, just in small amounts. But, I already eat healthy and clean, just much more than I should.
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Post by yoginikiki on Feb 6, 2018 9:37:43 GMT -6
I think there is quite a bit of trial and error involved in the first stage that HilarityEnsued talked about, and that can be discouraging. For some people (like me) there is a great deal of finding things that do not work before something clicks. I felt like a failure for...so very long. I have learned that I have to go in stages. I can't do it all at once because it is too soul crushing. My baseline diet is way better than it was a few years ago, but it isn't where I want it to be to feel good and live a long life. Right now, I am focused on building strength, because I have found through trial and error, that the emotions that lead to food issues don't sabotage me as much when I feel strong in my body. I feel more focused when I am physically fit. In addition....I do it one meal at a time. Right now, I am on lunch. My lunches are very healthy every single day. Even when eating out. I am working on breakfast....very last will be dinner. This is going to take me a long time, because I need to go so slowly to be successful...but it is working. I think that "all or nothing" can be too much for some, but that doesn't mean that one day the healthiest lifestyle for any individual can't be achieved with sustainability. ETA: brux I am going to tag you here because I identified so strongly with your post and I thought maybe we might be soul-weight-mates/ discouraged in a similar way. Tell me to fuck off I misread you. Truly.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 9:37:58 GMT -6
HilarityEnsued - I totally hear you. My "new normal" one day seemingly out of nowhere was not being able to breathe and having severe chest pain walking from the front door of my house out to my car one morning to go to work. I had no idea what was happening. It subsided a little, but the out of breath feeling would not go away all day. It got so bad I couldn't talk without being out of breath. To make a long story short, I went to the Dr. and was diagnosed with asthma (brought on by extreme cold weather) and was referred to a pulmonologist. He changed my life. He told me that I could beat asthma if I wanted to. He asked if I worked out regularly, I told him I used to but lately I had not been. He told me if I made exercise a priority, it would change my quality of life drastically. He was right. I just wish it didn't take not being able to breathe or speak to get to a better "new normal." I didn't know some people could seemingly beat asthma, but it turns out some can.
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Post by GhoatMonket on Feb 6, 2018 9:39:42 GMT -6
Strong is the new skinny is barely an improvement IMO. For one the models generally associated with that are- wait for it- skinny. And extremely lean which is achieved through diet anyway.
Anything Fitspo is basically crap and needs to go away.
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Post by charyoutree?? on Feb 6, 2018 9:41:54 GMT -6
For me, I was only able to change how I ate when I was focused on how I felt, not my weight. To be fair, I wasn't trying to lose weight with a diet change, I was trying to just generally be healthier.**
I've been able to track and realize that eating too many carbs are certain times makes me feel shitty and irritable, not enough protein and I'm more likely to eat a bunch of snacks and then feel shitty, etc. and this type of thing is different for everyone, so I'm not trying to say carbs are bad and never eat them or something.
This definitely helped me get over the "omg I have to do this all the time for the rest of my life". I feel so much healthier and more physically capable now, and if I think about that when making food choices (instead of calories), I have found that I'm more likely to succeed.
*full disclosure: This post was written while eating nutella from the container with a spoon.
**ETA: I feel like this sounds a certain way and I don't mean it negatively at all. Anytime I've gone into a dietary change with the prime goal being weight-loss, I always fail. So this was a different way of thinking for me and it has been more successful (again, for me).
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brux
Diamond
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Post by brux on Feb 6, 2018 9:46:37 GMT -6
be my soulmate yoginikiki. give me all your diet and body wisdom.
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Post by yoginikiki on Feb 6, 2018 9:50:52 GMT -6
be my soulmate yoginikiki . give me all your diet and body wisdom. lol I have no wisdom....I just take lots of steps forward, and almost as many, but not all the steps back. I feel discouraged sometimes, but I am working on it.
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Post by angelashly on Feb 6, 2018 9:52:10 GMT -6
I feel like we're two ships passing in the night. Cookies aren't the enemy. Your daughter already noticed that moms don't eat treats and worry about getting fat. She already is receiving the messages you don't want her to learn. My second graders are abso.fucking.lutely discussing how "fat" they are. All the fucking time. And it makes me so angry when parents put their heads in the sand about it. If your daughter is noting that dads eat cookies and moms don't, she's already mentally tracking some stuff about food. My first grader is too and like I said it is so sad because she is so active. She came home Sunday from being with my mom and told me that a dinner of super bowl snacks were not healthy and could she have an orange or salad with it and also asked for water instead of her special occasion lemonade we bought the day before. I know that some of that is school talking about healthy foods, but my mom also has an unhealthy food/exercise outlook. She used to be very heavy and lost a lot of weight, but now she focuses so much on healthy and exercise and she can do several exercise classes a day, but she doesn't eat right. Being healthy is what she talks about all the time so I have to tell her to watch what she says around dd because she takes something and runs with it.
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rvasc
Emerald
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Post by rvasc on Feb 6, 2018 9:53:29 GMT -6
I feel like we're two ships passing in the night. Cookies aren't the enemy. Your daughter already noticed that moms don't eat treats and worry about getting fat. She already is receiving the messages you don't want her to learn. Yes, she is already learning these. She has friends with fitbits whose parents make sure they hit a minimum number of steps per day. Little girls already talk about how they “can’t eat cookies because cookies make you fat.” I really hope to teach her something else. I want her to exercise for the love of movement and not as a tool for burning off your lunch. I want her to eat apples and broccoli because they taste good and they nourish her body and not as punishment for not working out this morning. And I honestly don’t know the best way to do that, but I try. Oh. My. God. WTAF to tracking your 7 year old’s steps. I hate the world.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 9:53:59 GMT -6
Many of the moms of young girls think and talk A LOT about how to navigate the health/weight/societal expectations/diet conundrum.
Many women from my generation were definitely raised with this “thinness is the holy grail” mindset. We saw moms drinking diet soda, eating grapefruit, and taking diet pills- whatever it took to be thin. IMO, we are trying to navigate a different balance in our own lives- focusing on whole foods, eating clean, putting good nutrition and health before being a certain size.
I don’t personally know anyone who is head in the sand about the challenges that our daughters face with body acceptance and societal pressure to look a certain way. It certainly doesn’t mean that head in the sand people don’t exist, but they have not been IME the norm. IME the norm is this conversation that we moms have about what our daughters hear at school and how we can model healthy lifestyles for them and help them maybe to not binge diet and hate their bodies the way we did when we were young and had no idea how beautiful and amazing we looked.
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Post by coconutbacon on Feb 6, 2018 9:55:28 GMT -6
I’ve lost 20-30 pounds 3 times ( after college, and after both babies). The magic thing for me was always running. I’m slow AF but I did couch to 5k and made myself stick to it, then built up to half marathons. I have a sensitive runner’s stomach and in order to not want to die while running, I literally cannot eat anything heavy for hours beforehand. No one wants to throw up fast food while out for a jog. Therefore, I made myself stick to my running schedule (4 runs per week)and everything flowed from there. I never specifically limited anything and definitely ate what felt right on my non-run days, which was often several cookies or pizza . I wish running did this for me. I ran 4 half marathons and 5 other shorter races last year and managed to gain 10 pounds. I love running but running makes me hungry, and I have a tendency to think– I ran this long distance, so now I can treat myself! Running is great for making me feel positive about how strong my body is, but for me, it isn't the key to weight loss. I have to monitor what I eat for that.
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Post by mrsrgosling on Feb 6, 2018 9:56:42 GMT -6
I feel like my mom diet shames me. Sometimes I wonder if it's because she lived through all diet fads of the 80/90s. I feel like she associates anything that restricts your food with disordered eating. I do flexible dieting and stick to a set of macros. But to hit your macros, it requires that you weigh out your food to make sure you aren't under estimating or overestimating your portions. I hate weighing my food in front of her because she thinks I am trying to be anorexic. When in fact, I am probably weighing my meat to make sure I am getting enough protein. I'm jumping in to say this is exactly how I live my life. I have a food scale on my desk at work and it makes me nuts when people walk in as I'm weighing my food and they have to comment on it usually in a negative light...even though they are "joking". I'm not dieting, not that it matters if I was, I'm living my lifestyle that I've been living for years. It's healthy, it works for me, it ensures I'm getting enough protein to sustain my muscle gain, enough carbs for energy to sustain my workouts, and enough healthy fats to keep my hormones leveled out. It's also helped me learn and be more disciplined about micro nutrients. I can't stand the constant comments from the peanut gallery though.
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jorkzy
Emerald
Posts: 13,786 Likes: 73,502
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Post by jorkzy on Feb 6, 2018 9:57:54 GMT -6
Part of this for me is people saying they are "naturally skinny" aren't necessarily accounting for lifestyle choices that are just inherent to them. Like eating reasonable calorie amounts on a day to day basis. My cousin has a banging body and I know for a fact she doesn't work out a minute a day. She is a SAHM that runs around after he maniac child all day, but that's the extent of her physical activity. I also know her lifelong relationship with food is just to eat healthy things in reasonable portions. This is how she grew up and it's just how she lives her life. She doesn't think she's depriving herself, it's how her brain works with food. To other people (myself included), I grew up on processed food, fast food, etc. So eating controlled portions of specific foods isn't inherent to me. I guess that's part of it, yes. But I'm also in the camp of needing to eat an approx certain # of calories daily to maintain my weight.
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shadows
Sapphire
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Post by shadows on Feb 6, 2018 9:58:21 GMT -6
Part of this for me is people saying they are "naturally skinny" aren't necessarily accounting for lifestyle choices that are just inherent to them. Like eating reasonable calorie amounts on a day to day basis. My cousin has a banging body and I know for a fact she doesn't work out a minute a day. She is a SAHM that runs around after he maniac child all day, but that's the extent of her physical activity. I also know her lifelong relationship with food is just to eat healthy things in reasonable portions. This is how she grew up and it's just how she lives her life. She doesn't think she's depriving herself, it's how her brain works with food. To other people (myself included), I grew up on processed food, fast food, etc. So eating controlled portions of specific foods isn't inherent to me. I can obviously only speak for me here, but I would agree that portion size is some of it. The rest of it is that I think that my body just operates really inefficiently. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.
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Post by GhoatMonket on Feb 6, 2018 9:59:48 GMT -6
My second graders are abso.fucking.lutely discussing how "fat" they are. All the fucking time. And it makes me so angry when parents put their heads in the sand about it. If your daughter is noting that dads eat cookies and moms don't, she's already mentally tracking some stuff about food. My first grader is too and like I said it is so sad because she is so active. She came home Sunday from being with my mom and told me that a dinner of super bowl snacks were not healthy and could she have an orange or salad with it and also asked for water instead of her special occasion lemonade we bought the day before. I know that some of that is school talking about healthy foods, but my mom also has an unhealthy food/exercise outlook. She used to be very heavy and lost a lot of weight, but now she focuses so much on healthy and exercise and she can do several exercise classes a day, but she doesn't eat right. Being healthy is what she talks about all the time so I have to tell her to watch what she says around dd because she takes something and runs with it. Your mom could be my former coworker.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 10:04:10 GMT -6
I did some reflecting after last week’s convo because it affected me more than I would like for a convo between friends.
I got more defensive then I should and projected some crap. What I “heard” initially was that being honest about the impact of weight gain and unhealthy lifestyle choices (by ourselves or our partners) is not cool because we are supposed to love without judgement (ourselves and our partners). I admitted that I’m not in that place and, to be honest, probably never will be because of my own DNA and how I was raised. And I’m ok with that. Maybe because I’m 38 and I feel like I know what I am and what works for me. Maybe because I’m flawed and it’s just ok. Idk.
Anyways, after some reflection, I came to the feelings I wrote about earlier re: eyes on your own paper and let’s not compete with each other but support our individual journey. Like just because someone else is feeling the self love at their current weight/fitness level and I’m not at mine, doesn’t mean....anything. It really doesn’t. I can probably get inspired by their attitude and they might be inspired by something I’m doing and, if not, oh well.
This may seem obvious, but, for me, it’s not easy. We have so many messages and pressures and bullshit coming at us every single day that it’s easiest to just bristle at any sort of diet/exercise/health talk and immediately go into defensive “that’s not how I think or feel so that person must be judging me or condemning my way”.
Anyways, room for improvement.
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Post by yoginikiki on Feb 6, 2018 10:05:16 GMT -6
Re: the keeping your eyes on your own paper, I think that strategy can be helpful.
For me, part of my discouragement is seeing people who have success (much faster obviously) with going "all in" and doing all the things at once and sticking to it, and then comparing my lack of whatever it takes to do that. Then what happens usually is I try the "all the things" approach and end up worse than I was when I started. I can't do it that way, accepting that I can't do it that way is a battle that is largely waged with societal expectations.
I think that is part of where the society/judgment comes in, and the backlash about dieting being anti-feminist. I can work on my body slow, or I can work on my body fast. Both of those are appropriate paths to long term health. The intention of my work matters, but only in that it should be for me, myself and I (and maybe my kids).
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Post by miawallace on Feb 6, 2018 10:07:33 GMT -6
I've been in my feelings since Friday if I'm honest. but that's for me to deal and process. I'm also coming st this with a history of disordered eating, so a lot of my current thoughts on this has a lot to do with that and where I am now with that. I'm sorry if i sounded dismissive. I also agreed very much with some of what CestLaVie said about creating your own standard. None of my family is thin. None of my relatives are thin. None of my close friends are thin. my best friend is on the heavier side, but she's a trainer at a gym. I consider her super fit. Shes beat physically skinny chicks on swimmig laps, push ups, etc. She's always working out. But she's not thin at all. My endocrinologist once told me my genetics and heritage means I will always be on the heavier side. Not that I can't change that, but its a default of sorts. Plus I don't have a thyroid. So my metabolism is crap too. At some point, and i don't know when exactly, but I stopped fighting all this. I was miserable. This is just me and my journey. But it made the difference with how I see myself and finally accept myself. I still work on myself all the time. I didn't just say, I'm going to let myself go and cross my fingers. But I stopped trying to pursue the European standard of healthy. I don't know what I'm trying to say, other than I'm not against or judge people for trying to feel their best. Im still working on my holiday weight. I don't like it when jeans fit tighter. I get that. I also can't relate to the standards of beauty here or the rest of the country sometimes. I believe that's valid too. So I can see why some of the comments hurt me too and how I look. Sorry if this is long.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 10:08:41 GMT -6
And I just will say that for some us negative self talk is a fine line between very fucking dangerous behavior and baseline personality of a self deprecating sense of humor and motivating through being self aware.
I am working really hard to use my critical inner voice for good and not let it be a bad influence as it has in the past before therapy and anxiety meds helped me.
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Post by mrsrgosling on Feb 6, 2018 10:12:10 GMT -6
I'm not caught up on the thread, but feel like I should say I've suffered many years from binge eating disorder so I'm not here saying Macros is the way and the easiest ever and I'm perfect and just live this flawless macro counting lifestyle. I don't. It's up and down and macro counting happens to be the best change for me to keep my disordered eating controlled.
Also, I can relate to those saying it's soul crushing to consider counting calories and working out for the rest of your life in order to keep you fit and healthy...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 10:14:20 GMT -6
And I just will say that for some us negative self talk is a fine line between very fucking dangerous behavior and baseline personality of a self deprecating sense of humor and motivating through being self aware. I am working really hard to use my critical inner voice for good and not let it be a bad influence as it has in the past before therapy and anxiety meds helped me. Coming from a deep place of anxiety and self-criticism, I think that's why this talk can trigger me into Save A Ho Mode. I forget that not everyone sinks when they start to talk negatively about themselves. Honestly, that’s why I was a little bummed after last week. You and I have more in common than not. We just have different personalities and neither of us are right or wrong. We are both pretty happy right now, so why were we butting heads over this topic? For me it was because I felt judged, but then when I stepped back, that wasn’t what you were doing. You were sharing your pov and I was sharing mine and they are just different at this juncture. And that is 1000% ok. Come in for a hug, boo.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 10:14:44 GMT -6
I’ve lost 20-30 pounds 3 times ( after college, and after both babies). The magic thing for me was always running. I’m slow AF but I did couch to 5k and made myself stick to it, then built up to half marathons. I have a sensitive runner’s stomach and in order to not want to die while running, I literally cannot eat anything heavy for hours beforehand. No one wants to throw up fast food while out for a jog. Therefore, I made myself stick to my running schedule (4 runs per week)and everything flowed from there. I never specifically limited anything and definitely ate what felt right on my non-run days, which was often several cookies or pizza . I wish running did this for me. I ran 4 half marathons and 5 other shorter races last year and managed to gain 10 pounds. I love running but running makes me hungry, and I have a tendency to think– I ran this long distance, so now I can treat myself! Running is great for making me feel positive about how strong my body is, but for me, it isn't the key to weight loss. I have to monitor what I eat for that. You aren’t alone. I might have already shared this with you, and if so, please forgive my redundancy. I like to say the same things over and over again. www.google.com/amp/s/www.vox.com/platform/amp/2018/1/3/16845438/exercise-weight-loss-myth-burn-calories
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
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Post by McBenny on Feb 6, 2018 10:16:28 GMT -6
I guess I am not understanding the eyes on your own paper thing at all. I am also ok with that and I really don't want to rehash last week. I feel a lot of people really opened themselves up and posted true feelings in the best ways they knew how to articulate so if you didn't get it then I don't feel you will today or you don't want to. You picked and pulled pieces and I don't have the kind of patience needed for that today.
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,638 Likes: 123,092
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Post by hawkward on Feb 6, 2018 10:17:03 GMT -6
I've had to jump headfirst into navigating how to talk to DS1 about weight and exercise. He asks questions about me getting thinner, and what I eat and why is it sometimes different from the rest of the family. Yeah, he's a boy but it was shocking to me how much this stuff is already on his radar. It's a lot of "I stopped eating because my stomach is full" or "I didn't want that because I don't like how my body feels when I eat too much sugar/flour/whatever." I try to emphasize it's about listening to your body and doing what feels good and healthy. Sometimes that's a cookie. Most of the time it's an apple. I don't know. I thought discussions like this would feel less loaded to me now but they really don't. I live in a community where weight and working out and dieting is openly and frequently talked about. I've told very few people IRL about having WLS. Very few people have actually mentioned my weight loss. It's weird and kind of awkward. I had a conversation about it with someone I like but rarely see (I don't consider her part of my social circle because she's a medical professional that takes care of my kids, but we "click") and I was surprised at how easy it was for me to talk about openly with her because I just don't talk about it usually. It helped that she asked really good questions and said she had a friend she was trying to support that had similar circumstances to me. It's worth the weirdness though to feel good. Also, someone said something around this time last year (I think it was brux or sterling ?)- that she wanted to in shape enough to punch DJT in the nose and run away. And that's mostly how I feel- I want to be in shape enough for a handful of things that are important to me, and I feel like I shouldn't have to justify that to anyone else to consider my efforts worthy or not*. *I'm not saying that anyone here has made me feel this way. It's a general societal commentary.
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Post by yoginikiki on Feb 6, 2018 10:17:35 GMT -6
miawallace, you much more eloquently said what I was trying to get out re: shoe sizes. People's bodies are genetically different and health is going to look differently on different people. It shouldn't be about one specific standard of beauty because for one thing, it is extremely ethnocentric, and for another...that isn't how it works. Yet...here we are. Just like you can't WHole30 your way from a size 10 shoe to a size 7 shoe....it isn't always possible to whole30 from a size whatever pant to a size 0 pant. That concept is often lost.
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Post by miawallace on Feb 6, 2018 10:18:33 GMT -6
Coming from a deep place of anxiety and self-criticism, I think that's why this talk can trigger me into Save A Ho Mode. I forget that not everyone sinks when they start to talk negatively about themselves. Honestly, that’s why I was a little bummed after last week. You and I have more in common than not. We just have different personalities and neither of us are right or wrong. We are both pretty happy right now, so why were we butting heads over this topic? For me it was because I felt judged, but then when I stepped back, that wasn’t what you were doing. You were sharing your pov and I was sharing mine and they are just different at this juncture. And that is 1000% ok. Come in for a hug, boo. Honestly, I felt like we all were saying the same thing from different points. Which is why I have been in my feels about this. I was also going to reach out to you at some point because I really appreciate you and I felt like I was being read wrong. And vice versa. I was just giving myself time to process. But I luff you. And value you.
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