Tubthumping Thursday

[mwhip]

Mar 29, 2019 8:22:20 GMT -6 jewels said:

Man, reading all the posts about how almost all men who travel cheat did not put me in a good place last night, given MH has been OOT for 2 months. I liked to think I can trust him, and hope I can, but at the same time, who the hell really knows, right?

You can trust him because he's never given you any reason not to.  Not all men cheat, just like not all women cheat.  It is hard to read stuff like this, but you have to trust what you have and the way he treats you.  You can't let the statistics cloud your vision and cause doubt.  

[cagoldi]

Mar 29, 2019 8:29:55 GMT -6 mwhip said:

Mar 29, 2019 8:22:20 GMT -6 jewels said:

Man, reading all the posts about how almost all men who travel cheat did not put me in a good place last night, given MH has been OOT for 2 months. I liked to think I can trust him, and hope I can, but at the same time, who the hell really knows, right?

You can trust him because he's never given you any reason not to.  Not all men cheat, just like not all women cheat.  It is hard to read stuff like this, but you have to trust what you have and the way he treats you.  You can't let the statistics cloud your vision and cause doubt.  

This.

For every man who does, there is one who doesn't. Traveling makes it easier, but not a given.

[jewels]

cagoldi, mwhip, totally. And I decided a long time ago that with our circumstances, I have to just trust him or I'd go crazy. We're apart as often as we are together.

But reading all those posts about how all men do it, just felt... icky.

And I do truly feel that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Whether it's home or away.

[xolastunicornxo]

I have no idea what I would do, but it would be “easier” for me to forgive a drunken one night stand than an emotional affair, I think. And maybe it’s naive, but I have zero concerns about it.

I also would be way more hurt/livid if he had an affair with a woman. I think if I found out he’d been fooling around with guys I would be more sad (for him)because I’d feel like he’d been hiding who he was or maybe wanted to be. I don’t know if that makes sense.

[mwhip]

Mar 29, 2019 8:38:01 GMT -6 jewels said:

cagoldi , mwhip , totally. And I decided a long time ago that with our circumstances, I have to just trust him or I'd go crazy. We're apart as often as we are together.

But reading all those posts about how all men do it, just felt... icky.

And I do truly feel that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Whether it's home or away.

This is so true.  You can love with every ounce of your being, but if the partner feels like they're missing something and want to cheat, they will find a way.

My exH travelled a lot, he would leave Monday mornings and come home Friday evenings, I have no doubt that in our 7 years of marriage, that he never cheated on me.
I definitely can't say that about my current marriage.  But I can't think about it, because, like you, it makes me feel like I'm going insane, to the point I've sought counselling for it.  

Didn't we have an N13 mom whose spouse was a firefighter and she caught him shortly after she had the baby...and he told her all firefighters cheat, so she should get it used to it?  Or some shit like that?  I remember it being SO shitty.

I seriously doubt ALL firefighters cheat.  It's not like the job makes them do it, it's that person, at that time.  Just like travelling vs not.

If someone feels like they are missing something in their relationship, they are going to find a way to fill it, healthy or not.

[nam2013]

Mar 29, 2019 8:41:48 GMT -6 xolastunicornxo said:

I have no idea what I would do, but it would be “easier” for me to forgive a drunken one night stand than an emotional affair, I think. And maybe it’s naive, but I have zero concerns about it.

I also would be way more hurt/livid if he had an affair with a woman. I think if I found out he’d been fooling around with guys I would be more sad (for him)because I’d feel like he’d been hiding who he was or maybe wanted to be. I don’t know if that makes sense.

+1 on all of the above. There isn’t one hair on my head that thinks my h would ever do this.

[kim22]

Mar 29, 2019 8:41:48 GMT -6 xolastunicornxo said:

I have no idea what I would do, but it would be “easier” for me to forgive a drunken one night stand than an emotional affair, I think. And maybe it’s naive, but I have zero concerns about it.

I also would be way more hurt/livid if he had an affair with a woman. I think if I found out he’d been fooling around with guys I would be more sad (for him)because I’d feel like he’d been hiding who he was or maybe wanted to be. I don’t know if that makes sense.

I agree with all of this. With a woman, I would be like what does she have that I don’t? With a man, I think I would feel like it was beyond my control.

[kim22]

Mar 29, 2019 8:22:20 GMT -6 jewels said:

Man, reading all the posts about how almost all men who travel cheat did not put me in a good place last night, given MH has been OOT for 2 months. I liked to think I can trust him, and hope I can, but at the same time, who the hell really knows, right?

My dad never travels and he’s the worst. He was at a bagel store 1/2 mile from home with his last woman.

[cagoldi]

Pete and I check in periodically like "is this monogamy thing still working for you/us?"

So far, the answer has always been yes.

He knows that if he feels like he wants to do something different, we can have that conversation and it's safe to discuss without it escalating to "OMG you might like other people, here, sign the divorce papers." I can't say it might not become an emotional talk, but not because it would mean our relationship is over.

I feel like there are a lot of aspects to a relationship that will grow and change over the years and that is one that I am willing to negotiate. We have built a great life together and I don't see that as any reason to break up our family. I do think you can love more than one person, but there are not many people you can build a life with. So, Pete is my life person and I'm his, but if someone comes around that he finds interesting and wants to spend more time with, so be it. As long as it never detracts from our family life, I don't care.

And that's not a concession like "all men cheat so I'll give him license to do it."

[inthekitty]

I'm not being naïve on this front, our marriage is far from perfect and we have our issues, but I feel 99% confident S would never cheat on me. But if he did I can say it'd be over. Mostly because he has lower testosterone which leads to low sex drive, which unfortunately leads to us having very little sex. If he could rally to have sex with other people and meanwhile I'm sitting here being faithful and desperately wanting more frequent sex I wouldn't stand for that shit.

I'm also in a place in my life where I'm much more confident and comfortable with myself and very much feel like if I had to, I could do it on my own. So treat me like the queen I am or GTFO. I was chatting with a friend the other day and while we are both in happy marriages we both agreed that if we ever were to get divorced we would have no interest in marrying again.

[peachsmama]

Mar 29, 2019 8:54:39 GMT -6 nam2013 said:

Mar 29, 2019 8:41:48 GMT -6 xolastunicornxo said:

I have no idea what I would do, but it would be “easier” for me to forgive a drunken one night stand than an emotional affair, I think. And maybe it’s naive, but I have zero concerns about it.

I also would be way more hurt/livid if he had an affair with a woman. I think if I found out he’d been fooling around with guys I would be more sad (for him)because I’d feel like he’d been hiding who he was or maybe wanted to be. I don’t know if that makes sense.

+1 on all of the above. There isn’t one hair on my head that thinks my h would ever do this.

Same. My fil cheated and it destroyed A.