Suspicious of my husband

[thechickencoop]

Mar 6, 2019 9:49:59 GMT -6 maybe said:

Yeah, if he is confessing to $20-$30K, it’s more. Given how slow he has been to tell you the truth, there is more out there.

This. Holy shit.

With this amount of money my first thought would be what kind of other drugs did he say that he's using? He could be funding a serious addiction. And yeah, I would assume also that he is absolutely low-balling this number.

[whoopster]

Isn't this something you have to show on taxes as well?

[lemondrop]

Mar 6, 2019 9:26:11 GMT -6 @easilyunamused said:

That’s a large chunk of money. Aren’t there penalties to taking that out as well?

If he's under 59&1/2, 10% withdrawal and you pay income taxes on it. Depending on when he took the money (at once? over years?), I'd also be taking a hard look at my previous tax returns because you have to claim it. 

[angelashly]

Mar 6, 2019 10:00:03 GMT -6 whoopster said:

Isn't this something you have to show on taxes as well?

yes

[angelashly]

Mar 6, 2019 10:00:33 GMT -6 lemondrop said:

Mar 6, 2019 9:26:11 GMT -6 @easilyunamused said:

That’s a large chunk of money. Aren’t there penalties to taking that out as well?

If he's under 59&1/2, 10% withdrawal and you pay income taxes on it. Depending on when he took the money (at once? over years?), I'd also be taking a hard look at my previous tax returns because you have to claim it. 

and if he didn't be ready for that

[brux]

Mar 6, 2019 10:00:03 GMT -6 whoopster said:

Isn't this something you have to show on taxes as well?

uhhh, yes.  Are you/he claiming those withdrawals on your taxes?  Because the financial institution reports it to the IRS whether or not you do, suspiciouswife.  You'll owe income taxes plus an additional 10% tax on that $30k.

I'd murder him in his sleep if I were you.

[whoopster]

Yikes

[allthekristys]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I'm with the others - this withdraw from his retirement behind your back would be serious burn it down for me. It would be a total deal breaker for me.

I'm so sorry. Stay strong and continue doing what you need to do for you and your kids.

[mack]

Mar 6, 2019 9:49:59 GMT -6 maybe said:

Yeah, if he is confessing to $20-$30K, it’s more. Given how slow he has been to tell you the truth, there is more out there.

#trickletruth        

OP there are so many screaming red flags here. Like soooo many. 

[mack]

Mar 6, 2019 10:06:50 GMT -6 brux said:

Mar 6, 2019 10:00:03 GMT -6 whoopster said:

Isn't this something you have to show on taxes as well?

uhhh, yes.  Are you/he claiming those withdrawals on your taxes?  Because the financial institution reports it to the IRS whether or not you do, suspiciouswife .  You'll owe income taxes plus an additional 10% tax on that $30k.

I'd murder him in his sleep if I were you.

You can catch me on Dateline.

[Cher]

Mar 6, 2019 10:51:27 GMT -6 mack said:

Mar 6, 2019 10:06:50 GMT -6 brux said:

uhhh, yes.  Are you/he claiming those withdrawals on your taxes?  Because the financial institution reports it to the IRS whether or not you do, suspiciouswife .  You'll owe income taxes plus an additional 10% tax on that $30k.

I'd murder him in his sleep if I were you.

You can catch me on Dateline.

Prob not because you will be in jail. But I can be on it as your Internet friend.

“She was always talking about Hitler ....”

[mack]

Mar 6, 2019 10:56:57 GMT -6 Cher said:

Mar 6, 2019 10:51:27 GMT -6 mack said:

You can catch me on Dateline.

Prob not because you will be in jail. But I can be on it as your Internet friend.

“She was always talking about Hitler ....”

Good thing I have no plans to run for public office. 

[mapleme]

My (divorced) parents are horrible with money. 100% I will never let myself get into the situations that they are in. I almost left my now husband when we were dating when I found out that he had a bankruptcy in his past. MH knows that he has to be 100% transparent about his finances or I will turn heel and never look back. It’s not a judgement on him, but a fact of who I am and what I need from a partner. If I ended up in OPs situation and discovered that MH had taken any money out of retirement without consulting with me, the only way that I could stay with him is if our finances became 100% separate. Separate taxes, separate retirement, separate bank accounts, separate loans.

Actually, as I type that all out, I don’t think that that would even be enough. I would be in constant fear of being plunged into a financial nightmare through no action of my own. It would be like worrying if my next breath of air was going to be there or not.

[mack]

I like to think that I am on trial for murdering my husband for skimming 20-30K from our retirement funds AND he didn't report it correctly to the IRS, a jury would acquit.

[thatgolfb]

Mar 6, 2019 9:22:39 GMT -6 mack said:

Mar 6, 2019 9:11:47 GMT -6 suspiciouswife said:

Initially he said more or less it was for attention, he was lonely 🙄 So he is a very friendly guy in general often does this thing where he’ll suggest to people, friends, cousins, to have a party or go on vacation together or do something where he has no intention to actually follow through. And said it was like that.

However in the trickle of truth, he just finally disclosed that he’s taken 20000-30000 out of his retirement savings accounts to fund his lifestyle because the amount of fun money that we had budgeted together wasn’t enough. At no time did he say anything about it not working for him. It’s not the first time since I’ve known him that he’s done it and hes terriblle managing money so I’ve taken over it since I don’t trust him and obviously it’s for a good reason.

Ok this is burn it down for me

Absolutely.

[thatgolfb]

And what is his “lifestyle”? Drugs? Like what is he spending that money on?

Sorry, I’m behind, ignore me if this has been mentioned.

[claudia]

Mar 6, 2019 10:59:40 GMT -6 mack said:

I like to think that I am on trial for murdering my husband for skimming 20-30K from our retirement funds AND he didn't report it correctly to the IRS, a jury would acquit.

“It wasn’t just the withdrawal. He also filed our taxes incorrectly, so we had to amend and pay interest and penalties!”

[pearbear]

I really want to know what he was doing for "fun" that cost 20-30K without consulting with you, OP! He better have purchased some diamonds with that money for our next anniversary or something because otherwise I would burn it all down. And even then, I'd still burn it all down. That is a huge breach of trust and so irresponsible.

[McBenny]

Mar 5, 2019 8:09:58 GMT -6 suspiciouswife said:

I’m going to do this one last update... he showed me his banking and he invested $1000 in a virtual currency his buddy told him about. Aside from that we talked about the situation, he expressed a bit of remorse but was not open to sharing his feelings which is typical. I’m not going to burn things down quite yet. I feel I owe it to both of us and our kids at this point to see the therapist together and both of us go for individual counseling. We will see what happens but know that all of your support and advice has been so helpful.

There is no deadline to end a marriage. If it's over it doesn't matter if you do it today or next month or so on.

Yes, barring all the things that don't need to be said but people will say it does and of course protecting your self interests like money etc.

[lemondrop]

OP, I don't want to keep piling on this, but.. you say he's done this before. And as such, you took over the finances, yet he's somehow managed to do it again. I know you've "seen" his finances (really, what he wanted you to see), but I would heavily request that he do a credit check on himself (or you do one on him) and pull credit checks on yourself and your children. Then I would call each credit bureau and put a block on any sort of credit request on your kids' SSNs and your own. If he was able to take out $20-30k from retirement without you knowing, there's a chance he's opened other accounts. Maybe the cards are going to his work, or a PO Box, or he managed to get home first and grab them from the mailbox first.

I'd also request that he provide receipts about where all of his paycheck is going. Ie, is he funneling small amounts of cash to another bank account. I feel somewhat hypocritical about this because I know a lot of women do it as a "just in case", but your husband has effectively stolen $30k from your family. If he's somehow opened other credit cards, he's going to need to pay for them somehow.

Unfortunately, your husband has gotten really good at lying about finances, particularly because this has happened before. Even if he was the most regretful, apologetic, ashamed man in history, you need to protect yourself and your kids from time #3.

[lucilleaustero]

I am so sorry suspiciouswife. Don't want to add to the pile one, so I will just say that it is okay to take some time and figure out what your next step/s will be. It would be prudent to get some professional legal and financial advice just to protect your assets while deciding where you want to go from here.

[Cher]

If I was in your shoes and decided to try and work it out, I would still consult with an atty and separate as much of my money as I could. I’d want to protect everything of mine as much as possible since he’s been sneaky with finances.

[STP]

Mar 6, 2019 11:28:14 GMT -6 Cher said:

If I was in your shoes and decided to try and work it out, I would still consult with an atty and separate as much of my money as I could. I’d want to protect everything of mine as much as possible since he’s been sneaky with finances.

For the children as much as anything.

[Cher]

Mar 6, 2019 11:29:05 GMT -6 STP said:

Mar 6, 2019 11:28:14 GMT -6 Cher said:

If I was in your shoes and decided to try and work it out, I would still consult with an atty and separate as much of my money as I could. I’d want to protect everything of mine as much as possible since he’s been sneaky with finances.

For the children as much as anything.

Good point. To that extent, I would def put credit alerts on myself and my kids too. Alerts when my cards are used. Alerts when money is withdrew. Basically, I would go on the financial defensive and do everything I did when my identity was stolen. Nobody is going to check my balance without me getting a call about it.

[prontopup]

I'm sorry you are going through this. For me, this financial infidelity would be a deal breaker. I agree with others in that you need to protect you and your children and freeze their SSN's, do credit checks on your SSN and freeze if necessary.

[lolacachia]

Mar 6, 2019 10:59:40 GMT -6 mack said:

I like to think that I am on trial for murdering my husband for skimming 20-30K from our retirement funds AND he didn't report it correctly to the IRS, a jury would acquit.

All it takes is one brux for a hung jury.

[lolacachia]

20-30k over what period of time?? I would be worried about the substance abuse issue and I would be pressing for more information. My gosh, I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[piratecat]

Yes, I would think that opening a new credit card or two would be easier than withdrawing money from a retirement account. And he would have had to put that $20-30K somewhere and I would not be surprised if there were other secret accounts.

[wildflower]

When I first read your post, OP, I missed a 0. I was thinking "huh, taking from retirement for a couple grand is a bit of a stretch, but okay. Hope he enjoyed those drinks and dinners." But 30k is life changing.

I'm really and truly sorry you are dealing with this. Financial insecurity and infidelity is a huge fear/hill of mine.

[maybe]

Mar 6, 2019 10:11:47 GMT -6 HilarityEnsued said:

damn taking money out of a retirement account would be some serious financial infidelity and probably a deal breaker for me. But I've also said before that I put financial infidelity over physical infidelity on my Burn It Down scale.

Yeah, no joke I would be at the lawyer today figuring out my options and next steps. Financial infidelity is usually the tip of the spear to a whole lot more and he is still lying/not being forthcoming. I am sorry OP but this is much more than a counseling moment.