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Post by GhoatMonket on Mar 6, 2019 12:21:37 GMT -6
20-30k over what period of time?? I would be worried about the substance abuse issue and I would be pressing for more information. My gosh, I am sorry you are dealing with this. The time frame doesn't make any difference to me. That level of deception is the point of no return for me, whether it was taken out over a year or 5 years.
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Cher
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Post by Cher on Mar 6, 2019 12:24:02 GMT -6
20-30k over what period of time?? I would be worried about the substance abuse issue and I would be pressing for more information. My gosh, I am sorry you are dealing with this. The time frame doesn't make any difference to me. That level of deception is the point of no return for me, whether it was taken out over a year or 5 years. I agree with this. I also agree 30k over a year opposed to 30k over 6 years brings up a whole different set of questions.
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piratecat
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Post by piratecat on Mar 6, 2019 12:28:22 GMT -6
20-30k over what period of time?? I would be worried about the substance abuse issue and I would be pressing for more information. My gosh, I am sorry you are dealing with this. The time frame doesn't make any difference to me. That level of deception is the point of no return for me, whether it was taken out over a year or 5 years. It wouldn't make a difference to me except in figuring out what/how he spent that money. Like I could see squandering away several thousand dollars a year on eating out and drinking and some shopping sprees or whatever but $20-30K in a short span of time might indicate a different, additional problem, like drugs or whatever.
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maybe
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Post by maybe on Mar 6, 2019 12:35:00 GMT -6
The time frame doesn't make any difference to me. That level of deception is the point of no return for me, whether it was taken out over a year or 5 years. I agree with this. I also agree 30k over a year opposed to 30k over 6 years brings up a whole different set of questions. Yes! In a woman’s case that could be 2 handbags or a few designer outfits a year versus paying rent for a mistress’ apartment for a year, a major addiction, or some other drastic bullshit.
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Post by lolacachia on Mar 6, 2019 12:35:57 GMT -6
The time frame doesn't make any difference to me. That level of deception is the point of no return for me, whether it was taken out over a year or 5 years. I agree with this. I also agree 30k over a year opposed to 30k over 6 years brings up a whole different set of questions. That was what I was getting at! I also agree with it doesn't matter overall.
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Cher
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Post by Cher on Mar 6, 2019 12:37:11 GMT -6
I agree with this. I also agree 30k over a year opposed to 30k over 6 years brings up a whole different set of questions. But really, in a woman’s case that could be 2 handbags or a few designer outfits a year versus paying rent for a mistress’ apartment for a year, a major addiction, or some other drastic bullshit. I have been thinking all along that it’s really easy to spend that amount of $$ (for a man or woman) on a few OTT things. THAT SAID, if you’re telling me you spent that amount in a year on a few OTT things, I want to see the things. I want receipts.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 6, 2019 12:48:57 GMT -6
OP, I don't want to keep piling on this, but.. you say he's done this before. And as such, you took over the finances, yet he's somehow managed to do it again. I know you've "seen" his finances (really, what he wanted you to see), but I would heavily request that he do a credit check on himself (or you do one on him) and pull credit checks on yourself and your children. Then I would call each credit bureau and put a block on any sort of credit request on your kids' SSNs and your own. If he was able to take out $20-30k from retirement without you knowing, there's a chance he's opened other accounts. Maybe the cards are going to his work, or a PO Box, or he managed to get home first and grab them from the mailbox first. I'd also request that he provide receipts about where all of his paycheck is going. Ie, is he funneling small amounts of cash to another bank account. I feel somewhat hypocritical about this because I know a lot of women do it as a "just in case", but your husband has effectively stolen $30k from your family. If he's somehow opened other credit cards, he's going to need to pay for them somehow. Unfortunately, your husband has gotten really good at lying about finances, particularly because this has happened before. Even if he was the most regretful, apologetic, ashamed man in history, you need to protect yourself and your kids from time #3. Yeah but “just in case money” is not even close to taking 30k for fun and drug money. You absolutely can spend that much on just drugs. And spend it fast. OP, you and your kids are in jeopardy here and it’s been proven that you cannot trust him.
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Post by summerbabe on Mar 6, 2019 12:53:08 GMT -6
I just wanted to say that you still can separate your money now and continue to pursue counseling and work on your relationship. I think that it really makes sense to do right now. This wasn't him going on secret Starbucks runs for lattes or treats or something; withdrawing money from retirement is completely unfair to you. He was putting himself first-- way above you and your family, and it is super shitty, and I'm sorry.
I think he will be watching to see how you react, and I think he needs to see that financial infidelity is a dealbreaker.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 6, 2019 12:53:26 GMT -6
So he said its over 8-9 months, groceries, Christmas and Birthday gifts, eating out lunches, no mention of anything else. I suspect he had used some of it for his debt that he accumulated since I completely took over the finances 18 months ago (except his retirement accounts) He has been suspicious in his behavior because he wants to do both of our taxes without me seeing whats going on, did not want me to assist in consolidating his retirement accounts, (since he has RRSP's and a LIRA from different employers) and was just going along with me when we were looking to a new place in the fall. We had a credit check in the fall for a mortgage and they said we both had great credit. He has in the past on 2 occasions dipped into his retirement funds to fund his debt. He's always made decent money, just likes to piss it away on drinking and eating out, footing the bill for his buddies etc. His handling of finances was major issue for me even before we got married, but he seemed to be improving over the course of our relationship and I thought we had got to a good point. He's got a weird relationship with money and wants all the trappings of looking like we have money but doesn't care what the bank accounts look like.
I'm so beyond upset about this because Ive been working fucking overtime shifts to pay for car repairs and hes been out pissing away his retirement savings. I'm so worried that if we separate he's going to go after my pension and all my hard work will be for nothing, all the time away from my kids picking up extra shifts will be because I ignored a red flag 10 years ago and ended up with some loser who pissed away our future. His parents have a decent amount of money to pass on to him, and I'll probably be screwed taking care of 2 young kids, one is still breastfeeding!
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Post by summerbabe on Mar 6, 2019 12:59:01 GMT -6
First of all, hugs.
Second of all, don't worry about future possible inheritances for him or him pursuing your pension. You are a smart, capable woman who deserves better, and you can absolutely take care of yourself and your babies. If he weren't in the picture, you would be able to handle it and you could pay the bills and not live beyond your means. You can still be with him if you want, but not financially right now. F that shit. He has a lot of trust to win back.
Seriously, try to shelve regretting ignoring red flags-- we all do that, and besides you got your babies out of this. What matters is what you do now, and you are not going to be screwed. You deserve not being with someone who picks buying rounds for his buddies over the needs of you and your family. (And honestly, I would guess he was doing worse shit with the money).
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brux
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Post by brux on Mar 6, 2019 12:59:22 GMT -6
$30k over 9 months? WOOOOOOOOOOOF.
Call a pitbull of an attorney today.
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STP
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Post by STP on Mar 6, 2019 12:59:31 GMT -6
Girl.
I don’t know. I think you need to see a lawyer ASAP.
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gimmeaQ
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Post by gimmeaQ on Mar 6, 2019 12:59:48 GMT -6
with that update -- I would be running. I'm sorry.
you don't get to spend $30K on "Christmas gifts" unless you're buying your spouse a Benz or something. I'm not buying that he spent that kind of money over 9 months without something else going on.
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brux
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Post by brux on Mar 6, 2019 13:00:20 GMT -6
I'm not an attorney, but a good attorney will help you not pay him a pension if you show receipts of him now sharing his retirement with you (aka $30k out without your knowledge).
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Cher
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Post by Cher on Mar 6, 2019 13:00:36 GMT -6
$30k over 9 months? WOOOOOOOOOOOF. Call a pitbull of an attorney today. Yeah with nothing to show for it. Unless you got a car for Christmas, OP, I would be locking my shit up.
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STP
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Post by STP on Mar 6, 2019 13:00:43 GMT -6
Do not let him file your taxes.
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Cher
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Post by Cher on Mar 6, 2019 13:01:44 GMT -6
with that update -- I would be running. I'm sorry. you don't get to spend $30K on "Christmas gifts" unless you're buying your spouse a Benz or something. I'm not buying that he spent that kind of money over 9 months without something else going on. 100% here. And 100% something else is going on.
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Cher
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Post by Cher on Mar 6, 2019 13:03:28 GMT -6
Fuck, man. Fuck this dude. I’m secondhand angry for you, OP.
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lizblue
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Post by lizblue on Mar 6, 2019 13:03:40 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, go talk to an attorney. Do this as a fact finding mission, learn your options and deal with them instead of a made up "what if" anxiety spiral. I am betting you have more options than you think. However, even if you lose every penny, it will be worth leaving a person who is not worthy of you and does not treat you the way you want to be treated. This is your one life - this is your children's one childhood. Demand the life you deserve. I am not trying to sound like a fucking Hallmark card, but I promise you - what seems impossible now is absolutely worth doing. And when you get to the other side, you will never ever go back and you will be amazed at the strength you have found in yourself. And you will have modeled the exact type of self worth you want to instill in your kids. But first step - just go talk to an attorney and find out what's what. We are here for you. Even if we like a good pile on. Sending love and strength.
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Post by GhoatMonket on Mar 6, 2019 13:08:05 GMT -6
Do not let him file your taxes. With the taxes and penalties he likely owes, filing separately is probably in your interest OP.
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Post by Uncaripswife on Mar 6, 2019 13:11:36 GMT -6
Do not let him file your taxes. This. The IRS will not care that he was lying to you if the two of you owe additional taxes and they don't get paid.
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sweetp
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Post by sweetp on Mar 6, 2019 13:12:04 GMT -6
I haven't commented yet, but I am sick to my stomach over this for you. Get a lawyer STAT. I agree with lizblue, you have more options than you think you do and the "what if" will only make you feel more scared than you already are. I'm so so so sorry you're dealing with this.
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Post by CestLaVie on Mar 6, 2019 13:12:50 GMT -6
Oh my goodness. I just want to put this in perspective. We had a $20k chunk that we ended up spending in the last year.
We went to Europe, the east coast, and a week of camping. we bought a new fridge, a new oven. We both got new wardrobe. We got new tires for 2 vehicles. We got a snowblower, a lawnmower. DH got a new suit. We bought 2 video game consoles, we went on a moose hunting trip. We got new winter coats. etc. etc. etc. In addition to really eating out more, drinking more, socializing more, going to concerts more.
I only bring this up to instill the notion that if you really did not notice an extreme increase in your or his lifestyle, I don't think this is so easily explained. Trust that you would have noticed this.
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Post by leatherpants on Mar 6, 2019 13:17:28 GMT -6
Man. I am sorry. This is a shit bag of crap you’ve been handed.
I agree with finding an attorney. Hold on to the anger. It will keep your eyes open in the days to come.
No decisions have to be made until you get your facts straight on what is happening but damn, gather those facts quick and get in line to protect you and your kids.
I’m thinking of you. You can do this. I’m here for you and whatever you need.
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Post by leatherpants on Mar 6, 2019 13:17:54 GMT -6
I haven't commented yet, but I am sick to my stomach over this for you. Get a lawyer STAT. I agree with lizblue, you have more options than you think you do and the "what if" will only make you feel more scared than you already are. I'm so so so sorry you're dealing with this. This actually is exactly what I wanted to say. It’s very well said and very very true.
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maybe
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Post by maybe on Mar 6, 2019 13:19:44 GMT -6
Yep, it’s full self-protection mode now. What kind of debt is he paying down that’s he has to do it in secret? He can change and this can be rescued, but after you make solid plans to leave. He is still lying to you and you are about to lose more than half your pension if you don’t do something drastic.
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mack
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Post by mack on Mar 6, 2019 13:19:53 GMT -6
The time frame doesn't make any difference to me. That level of deception is the point of no return for me, whether it was taken out over a year or 5 years. I agree with this. I also agree 30k over a year opposed to 30k over 6 years brings up a whole different set of questions. Agree. Like is it 20k over 6 years to support my lululemon lifestyle?
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maybe
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Post by maybe on Mar 6, 2019 13:20:19 GMT -6
I am so sorry you are going through this.
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STP
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Post by STP on Mar 6, 2019 13:21:30 GMT -6
I can SPEND and I can’t imaging $30k being unnoticeable in terms of tangible things/trips.
Where did that money go?!
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Post by wildflower on Mar 6, 2019 13:21:34 GMT -6
Do not let him file your taxes. This. And agreed that unless Christmas presents were diamonds and a car, or he is eating gold flake at the Ritz for "lunch" every day, he is lying in this next trickle of "truth."
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