brux
Diamond
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Post by brux on Mar 6, 2019 15:47:59 GMT -6
suspiciouswife I was just going back through your posts to see if I could help with any suggestions, from a forensic accounting/asset tracing standpoint. You said yesterday that he showed you his banking. I assume that means he has his own checking account. Ask him for all the statements on that account. Withdrawals from retirement aren't in cash, but in checks, and he has to deposit those checks somewhere. And with the bank statements, you'll be able to see all his cash withdrawals, check card usage and possible loan payments. Perhaps he'll think you're still playing nice and he'll give you online access to his accounts willingly. Download everything you can and save it somewhere safe. It will also be telling if those bank statements don't show you what you'd expect to see on them (for example, you don't see $20-30k coming in...) When I went into my retirement, it was ACH/direct deposit/whichever one of those damn things it is based on routing & account numbers I provided. Super easy to set up a new account and hide it. It did not have to match my paycheck. Different companies/policies/etc, but it's possible it's not in his primary account. yeah, agreed. I said "check" but I include in that ACH/e-transfer or whatever. Based on post-stalking it sounds like OP's H has at least one of his own checking accounts that she doesn't see.
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STP
Diamond
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Post by STP on Mar 6, 2019 15:48:13 GMT -6
Yeah. I get the point, if he spent the money on video games and burger king it would still be a deal breaker for me. But if he's spending it on drugs, that's an issue if he's watching her kids. And if it's women, that's an issue for her health. Yeah *if* a lot of this money went to hard drugs then that’s going to be a big factor on him seeing my kids or not. Doing a line of coke while partying with the guys is one thing, but spending retirement money on it on top of who knows is another. Again, that’s even if it’s drugs. That’s why I say it’s important to find out. If I found proof of 20-30k worth of hard drug use, I'm hiring the sharkiest lawyer that ever lawyered. Because you aren't getting these kids alone. *I know "I would" is a dumb statement. But it's a safety issue.
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brux
Diamond
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Post by brux on Mar 6, 2019 15:49:07 GMT -6
readyornot i HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE $$ SITUATION. sorry about the caps, it was a mistake, but it's also warranted. I always thought your H read like a lazy, comfortable, kind of worthless husband. But holy shit the stuff he put you through. fuck him and god bless you for being a decent co-parent with him. It is really something that I can't even talk much about. The cheating & the drinking & uselessness is enough, but the money stuff is just.....so bad. I don't come from money. I was stupid in my youth & acquired a lot of debt that I worked my entire adult life to fix & to save that much was a huge accomplishment. And it's just gone😞 Sigh... OP I'm sorry for bringing it into your thread. I hope you can secure the best lawyer available & protect yourself that is such a violation, RON. And I would make a bet that OP is glad you brought it into her thread. I'm sure that it makes her feel less alone during a really terrible storm.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2019 15:53:33 GMT -6
I don't care if he donated $30K to starving children, where the money went is completely irrelevant. Get yourself and your kids and your assets the fuck out of there right now and ask questions later. It’s not irrelevant though. Finding out where this money went is going to tell her who she’s actually dealing with here. ETA: especially when custody will come up. That's a fair point, I think I just meant it is irrelevant to what her steps are right now. Focus on securing financials and getting out, then can come the forensic accounting. Speculation on where the money went is fine but it doesn't help make her and her kids safe and secure immediately (and the point I was trying to make was I would be gone no matter what it was spent on). You are a badass woman, suspicious, and you are doing a great job. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 6, 2019 15:53:50 GMT -6
Yeah *if* a lot of this money went to hard drugs then that’s going to be a big factor on him seeing my kids or not. Doing a line of coke while partying with the guys is one thing, but spending retirement money on it on top of who knows is another. Again, that’s even if it’s drugs. That’s why I say it’s important to find out. If I found proof of 20-30k worth of hard drug use, I'm hiring the sharkiest lawyer that ever lawyered. Because you aren't getting these kids alone. *I know "I would" is a dumb statement. But it's a safety issue. There’s a difference with “I woulds” here imo. This is more than an emotional decision. Being a cheating ass doesn’t make you a bad father, the other shit does.
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bazi
Opal
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Post by bazi on Mar 6, 2019 16:06:12 GMT -6
readyornot I’m really sorry. That is super shitty of him.
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bazi
Opal
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Post by bazi on Mar 6, 2019 16:08:30 GMT -6
OP you are handling this so well, given the shit situation. I hope the lawyer consults go well and you find someone who can help you protect yourself and your kids.
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bobyn
Diamond
local baby-making menace
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Post by bobyn on Mar 6, 2019 16:48:15 GMT -6
I am in awe of your badassery, suspiciouswife. I'll be thinking of you in the coming days and weeks.
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Post by goldenbird on Mar 6, 2019 17:39:35 GMT -6
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry OP. I would say at this point for me, things wouldn't be able to be turned around. I'm glad you're getting your ducks in a row.
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Post by GhoatMonket on Mar 6, 2019 17:55:40 GMT -6
I guess now that I think about it, h's first wife blew around $10k above their bills and basic needs in less than 6 months. Most of it was at Wal Mart and FYE. There was nothing in the house to show for it.
So it could be done without any thing major to show for it.
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Post by unicornofthesea on Mar 6, 2019 18:06:17 GMT -6
I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
My ex H used to open credit cards with my SSN and never told me. I'm still paying on 2 of them to keep my credit decent. He also bought a customized BMW and put a down payment on it without even discussing it with me. It was a huge turning point in our marriage. I remember the day he brought it home and laying on the couch at night crying because we now had a $989 car payment.. he's terrible with money even though he's the bread winner.
He still tries to bitch about how he's broke every month after giving me money to pay bills. 🙄#SORRYNOTSORRYASSHOLE
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mack
Amethyst
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Post by mack on Mar 6, 2019 18:31:52 GMT -6
It’s not irrelevant though. Finding out where this money went is going to tell her who she’s actually dealing with here. ETA: especially when custody will come up. Yeah. I get the point, if he spent the money on video games and burger king it would still be a deal breaker for me. But if he's spending it on drugs, that's an issue if he's watching her kids. And if it's women, that's an issue for her health. 30k on Burger King would definitely be a deal breaker for me.
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richard
Emerald
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Post by richard on Mar 6, 2019 18:38:50 GMT -6
Aren't there spousal consent laws about taking money out of retirement plans? I know when I did rollovers, my husband had to sign a document and it had to be notarized. I'm very, very sorry suspiciouswife (and readyornot). That's such a breach of trust and just so fucking selfish on their parts.
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mack
Amethyst
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Post by mack on Mar 6, 2019 18:43:08 GMT -6
suspiciouswife I am proud of you for taking care of protecting yourself and drawing a line on this behavior. If you ultimately work through this and stay in your marriage, that’s your decision. But for your now have to protect yourself and your kids. You are doing great.
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Post by sunnysideup on Mar 6, 2019 19:27:35 GMT -6
I’m so sorry. I think you’ve gotten great advice with the financial side of things. My overall advice is to protect yourself at all costs and move forward with all money with your gut feeling no matter what. Trickle truth is such a real thing and people will go to big levels to save face or come out looking better. Just go with your gut-you can figure out the truth and details over time. Today, protect yourself like the worst case scenario is 100% true. Sending you the biggest hugs. It’s not fair and I’m sorry this is happening to you.
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mack
Amethyst
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Post by mack on Mar 6, 2019 19:31:33 GMT -6
30k on Burger King would definitely be a deal breaker for me. What about Banana and dukes sandwiches? I would declare that person my soul mate and live happily ever after.
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wedding
Emerald
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Post by wedding on Mar 6, 2019 20:09:51 GMT -6
Aren't there spousal consent laws about taking money out of retirement plans? I know when I did rollovers, my husband had to sign a document and it had to be notarized. I'm very, very sorry suspiciouswife (and readyornot). That's such a breach of trust and just so fucking selfish on their parts. I rolled one over and had to do very little and Dh wasn’t involved. Another I had to have him consent and have it notarized. So I’m guessing it varies.
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poppet
Gold
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Post by poppet on Mar 6, 2019 20:50:08 GMT -6
I'm sorry, OP. It's a lot to digest.
I've witnessed a couple of really effed up situations and I'm impressed with how swiftly you are moving from trying to work it out to GTFO of the situation. Some people seem to stay in the fog. You are doing so well.
If you start to waver you could try picturing your future together. Being nervous every time you login to a financial account. Giving him zero benefit of the doubt for all of time, because he deserves none, but how crappy would that be for you to deal with? Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. One random payday you could discover the IRS has started garnishing your wages, etc. etc. etc.
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Post by goobies on Mar 7, 2019 12:21:18 GMT -6
Aren't there spousal consent laws about taking money out of retirement plans? I know when I did rollovers, my husband had to sign a document and it had to be notarized. I'm very, very sorry suspiciouswife (and readyornot). That's such a breach of trust and just so fucking selfish on their parts. I rolled one over and had to do very little and Dh wasn’t involved. Another I had to have him consent and have it notarized. So I’m guessing it varies. OP is in Canada where there is no requirement for a spouse to be involved in retirement accounts. I can do whatever I want with mine. I’m sorry OP. Thankfully you figured things out now, as much as this whole situation sucks it would likely have worsened over time.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 7, 2019 15:16:00 GMT -6
So I was able to dig up some financials and the total amount he withdrew is much more and over a few years. A small portion I knew about because it was used to pay down some debt. I’m not sure where all the money went and I am so embarrassed that I didn’t discover this sooner.
I was able to meet with a lawyer this afternoon and he was very helpful in explaining the law and how division of assets can happen and also gave me advice if I decide to stick around. I’m not sure where to go from here but I don’t have to make any permanent decisions right now.
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Post by readyornot on Mar 7, 2019 15:26:11 GMT -6
suspiciouswife please don't be embarrassed. This is your husband, your partner. You put your trust in him & HE broke that trust. You weren't checking these things because you shouldn't have had to. He failed you in this, the embarrassment belongs to him, not you❤
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Post by goobies on Mar 7, 2019 16:11:11 GMT -6
suspiciouswife please don't be embarrassed. This is your husband, your partner. You put your trust in him & HE broke that trust. You weren't checking these things because you shouldn't have had to. He failed you in this, the embarrassment belongs to him, not you❤ 100% agree with this. Please be proud of what you’re doing now, and don’t dwell on what can’t be changed. Frankly you’re supposed to put that trust in your partner. My DH could have hundreds of thousands hidden from me and I wouldn’t know. I trust that he is doing what he says he is because trust is what marriage is based on. It could happen to anyone.
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wedding
Emerald
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Post by wedding on Mar 7, 2019 17:59:45 GMT -6
I’m curious how his behavior has been now that this has come to light. Same old or is he putting more effort?
I’m glad you met with a lawyer and can get a plan together.
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brux
Diamond
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Post by brux on Mar 25, 2019 9:56:31 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, just checking in on you. How are things in your world?
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 26, 2019 14:32:28 GMT -6
brux Thanks for checking in. Things are ok. We had a session with our therapist right after it happened. He said he believes he’s suffering from depression, he’s lonely and doesn’t know how to snap out of things. He was actually happy I found stuff and confront him because he was spiraling to a dark place. No other surprises have been mentioned and he’s seeking individual therapy at the moment and seems willing to try to make some changes.. We had a nice heart to heart after about how things have been and how we can move forward. He has disclosed his full financials. I’m working with my therapist on being less of a doormat and standing up for myself. I’m also very angry and trying to process those feelings. Day to day things are better, he’s more helpful and he’s cut down on his drinking. I’m not sure how things will end up but at the moment overall, things are better than they’ve been in a long time.
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brux
Diamond
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Post by brux on Mar 26, 2019 14:34:25 GMT -6
Bravo, suspiciouswife! Bravo! You're doing everything you can. The rest is up to your H.
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