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Post by angelashly on Mar 6, 2019 14:42:10 GMT -6
Oh, i was thinking it was a good sign that he wanted to file the taxes because that meant he was reporting the income! I would agree if it it wasn’t with the caveat of her not seeing them first. Why would it matter if she saw them unless there’s something shady? He would have to claim the retirement money he took out so before she knew about it he wanted to do the taxes without her seeing so that she wouldn't see that he had taken that money out is what I was thinking. Now that she knows about the money it shouldn't be a thing for her to see it. I thought she meant the tax thing was a red flag she is just now seeing
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 6, 2019 14:42:15 GMT -6
I think the other thing that is bothering me the most about all of this is that it sounds like the guy just doesn't even care. He does not seem to be remorseful or trying to figure out a way to make things better. This is such stupid/immature behavior for a husband and a father. That alone would make me want to leave immediately. What a jerk. this is a lot of the respect aspect I was referring to. In my house I have two adults and two kids. I will not have a life partner that is effectively another kid. A liability. There is no trust and no respect for this kind of juvenile and very reckless behavior and I would want to chop his balls off for being so selfish and destructive and not giving a fuck about his kids and wife. This is very much a thing in our marriage, I very much feel like he’s a child, doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions, wants me to do stuff for him, take the lead in everything in our life. I’m the fun stifling wife. I no longer have trust and respect for him, which is why, even if he disclosed the $ 20-30 000 spending I don’t think I’d be willing to continue the marriage.
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Post by angelashly on Mar 6, 2019 14:42:48 GMT -6
Well I don't remember the "deadly batch" comment but I also was v v drunk on Saturday. I missed the very first post so I am really out of it
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Leaf 🌱
Sapphire
Posts: 2,855 Likes: 12,814
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Post by Leaf 🌱 on Mar 6, 2019 14:43:02 GMT -6
OP - My organization has a program with what is kind of like “gap help” - a few free hours with a lawyer, legal document reviews, a handful of free counseling sessions for me/my family members. I don’t remember if you mentioned what field you work in but I know a lot of organizations offer the same or pay into a similar up port program on behalf of their employees. If you feel comfortable doing so, please reach out to your HR rep and see if it’s available to you. People I know that have used them have been extremely pleased and it allowed them to secure assets and get credible legal advance very very quickly at almost no cost.
ETA - you may also want to update who is your life insurance beneficiary and who had access to your retirement funds. Morbid, but if the unthinkable happens, you want to be sure these funds are available for your kids and managed by some one you can trust.
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wedding
Emerald
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Post by wedding on Mar 6, 2019 14:43:19 GMT -6
Pills would have a similar look/effect as someone high on weed or drunk.
With that said, my brother has gotten himself into extraordinary debt over the years with no substance issues at all. He spent it on movies, meals, entertainment, random non necessary gadgets so I do think its possible for it to add up quickly. Especially if he opened credit cards and racked up interest and took the retirement money to pay those off. Any way you slice it though, he betrayed your trust. I am really sorry this is happening.
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Post by angelashly on Mar 6, 2019 14:43:33 GMT -6
this is a lot of the respect aspect I was referring to. In my house I have two adults and two kids. I will not have a life partner that is effectively another kid. A liability. There is no trust and no respect for this kind of juvenile and very reckless behavior and I would want to chop his balls off for being so selfish and destructive and not giving a fuck about his kids and wife. This is very much a thing in our marriage, I very much feel like he’s a child, doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions, wants me to do stuff for him, take the lead in everything in our life. I’m the fun stifling wife. I no longer have trust and respect for him, which is why, even if he disclosed the $ 20-30 000 spending I don’t think I’d be willing to continue the marriage. so have you secured money and your socials? I really hope you have especially if you know you aren't continuing the marriage
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Post by yoginikiki on Mar 6, 2019 14:44:21 GMT -6
OP I’m so sorry for all of this. You have gotten really good advice and I want to echo the suggestions that you talk to a lawyer first, not a therapist.
I am a therapist, and I’m going to be honest—-this is not a job for therapy. Safety is a priority. Security is a priority. You can come back to therapy later if necessary.
We have your back and are rooting for you and your children.
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Pizzaslut
Ruby
*it’s a joke. get some hobbies.
Posts: 22,822 Likes: 131,494
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Post by Pizzaslut on Mar 6, 2019 14:44:54 GMT -6
Yeah we lost my BIL to a cocaine OD, so I wouldn't be messing with anything other than weed. People think coke isn't as bad as heroin but it's still killing people (PSA - Narcan doesn't work on cocaine!)
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zoeylucy
Amethyst
Posts: 7,186 Likes: 26,525
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Post by zoeylucy on Mar 6, 2019 14:45:00 GMT -6
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I really think you need to consult an attorney just to find out what your options are and how to best protect yourself and your kids.
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pearbear
Amethyst
Posts: 5,543 Likes: 32,554
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Post by pearbear on Mar 6, 2019 14:45:00 GMT -6
Well I don't remember the "deadly batch" comment but I also was v v drunk on Saturday. I dont either but if so, woof. The fact that I remember all of this stuff makes me think that I need to get a life. Clearly I have too much time on my hands on the weekends.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 6, 2019 14:45:25 GMT -6
Well I don't remember the "deadly batch" comment but I also was v v drunk on Saturday. I dont either but if so, woof. It was too many people are going to rehab, aside from smoking pot he mentioned hash, mushrooms and prescription drugs.
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Post by readyornot on Mar 6, 2019 14:45:31 GMT -6
It is a ridiculous amount of money in a short period of time, but it doesn't have to be drugs. My ex blew thru somewhere around $50k in the last year of our marriage on complete bullshit. Gambling, booze, bowling nights, nonsense purchases, girls. I am around 1000% certain he wasn't into drugs, he was just very fucking stupid. "A little here, a little there" is what he told me. A minimum of $36k of that money was saved out of *my* check & it is just...gone.
Because I never really checked that account, I didn't even know it was happening until we got the notification that it was overdrawn.
So. Don't be me. Lock your finances down NOW. Protect yourself. Get a lawyer. Theres more than what hes telling you.
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Post by yoginikiki on Mar 6, 2019 14:45:42 GMT -6
Obviously I missed some posts. Sorry about that.
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zoeylucy
Amethyst
Posts: 7,186 Likes: 26,525
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Post by zoeylucy on Mar 6, 2019 14:46:49 GMT -6
OP I’m so sorry for all of this. You have gotten really good advice and I want to echo the suggestions that you talk to a lawyer first, not a therapist. I am a therapist, and I’m going to be honest—-this is not a job for therapy. Safety is a priority. Security is a priority. You can come back to therapy later if necessary. We have your back and are rooting for you and your children. All of this. But I’m not a therapist.
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Pizzaslut
Ruby
*it’s a joke. get some hobbies.
Posts: 22,822 Likes: 131,494
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Post by Pizzaslut on Mar 6, 2019 14:46:52 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, I'm sorry you are going through this. We're here to help. Get you and your kids safe and your money locked up as best you can.
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Cher
Global Moderator
BMB, GD, Special Interests
Posts: 58,441 Likes: 443,386
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Post by Cher on Mar 6, 2019 14:46:54 GMT -6
I dont either but if so, woof. It was too many people are going to rehab, aside from smoking pot he mentioned hash, mushrooms and prescription drugs. Woof, pills scare me.
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Post by angelashly on Mar 6, 2019 14:47:25 GMT -6
It was too many people are going to rehab, aside from smoking pot he mentioned hash, mushrooms and prescription drugs. Woof, pills scare me. seriously.
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brux
Diamond
Posts: 35,445 Likes: 283,468
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Post by brux on Mar 6, 2019 14:54:46 GMT -6
readyornot i HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE $$ SITUATION. sorry about the caps, it was a mistake, but it's also warranted. I always thought your H read like a lazy, comfortable, kind of worthless husband. But holy shit the stuff he put you through. fuck him and god bless you for being a decent co-parent with him.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 6, 2019 15:01:55 GMT -6
It is a ridiculous amount of money in a short period of time, but it doesn't have to be drugs. My ex blew thru somewhere around $50k in the last year of our marriage on complete bullshit. Gambling, booze, bowling nights, nonsense purchases, girls. I am around 1000% certain he wasn't into drugs, he was just very fucking stupid. "A little here, a little there" is what he told me. A minimum of $36k of that money was saved out of *my* check & it is just...gone. Because I never really checked that account, I didn't even know it was happening until we got the notification that it was overdrawn. So. Don't be me. Lock your finances down NOW. Protect yourself. Get a lawyer. Theres more than what hes telling you. I’m so sorry you went through that. What a POS
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 6, 2019 15:10:30 GMT -6
Oh I have an Apple Watch I got for my birthday and I got a gift card for lulu lemon $100 at Christmas. No Benz no trips no Louis Vuitton no diamonds.
So we only share a joint account, mortgage, credit card and HELOC because of my well placed mistrust. Joint account has a minimum amount, HELOC is closed and I will be taken off the credit card tomorrow. I backed up all my spreadsheets to my own drive I made for budgeting since we moved in together.
I’m calling in sick to work since I’ve procrastinated on getting a lawyer, I have a consult with one tomorrow, another on Tuesday I can cancel, but now he can’t use them since it’s a conflict. And I’m waiting to hear back from 2 more.
He has been instructed to provide me with all his documents so I can do both our taxes as well as all documents related to his retirement funds and everything is to be accounted for.
I’m still keeping the therapist appointment because he needs to hear from a third party how messed up the situation is. He’s living in denial.
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Post by thechickencoop on Mar 6, 2019 15:19:40 GMT -6
Damn woman. suspiciouswife you are owning being in a fucked up situation. I'm amazed at your level headed-ness.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 6, 2019 15:22:19 GMT -6
I always go back and forth on what people say is "burn it down" territory on this board. I often do not live in the same "burn it down" arena as many others here. With all that being said, I can tell you for certain I'd divorce my husband over the facts laid out in this thread. I could never rebuild trust after this. And somewhat equal to that problem is that I could never rebuild any respect. What he's doing is pathetic, especially with young kids at home. I have absolutely no space for this kind of bullshit. I'd be gone and I'd be crucifying his ass in the process. Yeah. You’d be committing yourself to a lifetime of keeping track of every penny and essentially stuck in survival mode. Cheating is emotionally damaging, add in financial betrayal and you’re screwing up a lot of people’s lives for a very long time.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 6, 2019 15:23:51 GMT -6
maybe? I don't know I also don't think I caught all the details. But based on my own personal experiences with people deep into drugs in my life, $30,000 would be hard to spend on pot and booze alone. It would be on harder drugs (if applicable) and would result in a lot more issues than just drinking and sitting around. But maybe I also missed some details because that would seem like a buried lede to me... like is this dude's behavior so erratic to suggest drugs? Like I could see hard drugs and then laying around being like, “I’m just hungover or stoned.” I don’t think this screams drugs. But with $$$ he’s spending and his behavior, I also wouldn’t rule it out. I def think there’s something deep going on. Assuming I didn’t invent the drug thing in my head in a drunken haze. Pills, coke, pot, drinks and girls add up very quickly.
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lizblue
Sapphire
Posts: 3,564 Likes: 27,798
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Post by lizblue on Mar 6, 2019 15:24:57 GMT -6
suspiciouswife you're going to be ok. In fact, you are eventually going to be really fucking great. You are doing all the right things right now.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 6, 2019 15:26:18 GMT -6
I don't care if he donated $30K to starving children, where the money went is completely irrelevant. Get yourself and your kids and your assets the fuck out of there right now and ask questions later. It’s not irrelevant though. Finding out where this money went is going to tell her who she’s actually dealing with here. ETA: especially when custody will come up.
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STP
Diamond
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Post by STP on Mar 6, 2019 15:36:06 GMT -6
I don't care if he donated $30K to starving children, where the money went is completely irrelevant. Get yourself and your kids and your assets the fuck out of there right now and ask questions later. It’s not irrelevant though. Finding out where this money went is going to tell her who she’s actually dealing with here. ETA: especially when custody will come up. Yeah. I get the point, if he spent the money on video games and burger king it would still be a deal breaker for me. But if he's spending it on drugs, that's an issue if he's watching her kids. And if it's women, that's an issue for her health.
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brux
Diamond
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Post by brux on Mar 6, 2019 15:38:24 GMT -6
suspiciouswife I was just going back through your posts to see if I could help with any suggestions, from a forensic accounting/asset tracing standpoint. You said yesterday that he showed you his banking. I assume that means he has his own checking account. Ask him for all the statements on that account. Withdrawals from retirement aren't in cash, but in checks, and he has to deposit those checks somewhere. And with the bank statements, you'll be able to see all his cash withdrawals, check card usage and possible loan payments. Perhaps he'll think you're still playing nice and he'll give you online access to his accounts willingly. Download everything you can and save it somewhere safe. It will also be telling if those bank statements don't show you what you'd expect to see on them (for example, you don't see $20-30k coming in...)
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Post by GhoatMonket on Mar 6, 2019 15:42:46 GMT -6
suspiciouswife I was just going back through your posts to see if I could help with any suggestions, from a forensic accounting/asset tracing standpoint. You said yesterday that he showed you his banking. I assume that means he has his own checking account. Ask him for all the statements on that account. Withdrawals from retirement aren't in cash, but in checks, and he has to deposit those checks somewhere. And with the bank statements, you'll be able to see all his cash withdrawals, check card usage and possible loan payments. Perhaps he'll think you're still playing nice and he'll give you online access to his accounts willingly. Download everything you can and save it somewhere safe. It will also be telling if those bank statements don't show you what you'd expect to see on them (for example, you don't see $20-30k coming in...) When I went into my retirement, it was ACH/direct deposit/whichever one of those damn things it is based on routing & account numbers I provided. Super easy to set up a new account and hide it. It did not have to match my paycheck. Different companies/policies/etc, but it's possible it's not in his primary account.
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Post by readyornot on Mar 6, 2019 15:43:07 GMT -6
readyornot i HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THE $$ SITUATION. sorry about the caps, it was a mistake, but it's also warranted. I always thought your H read like a lazy, comfortable, kind of worthless husband. But holy shit the stuff he put you through. fuck him and god bless you for being a decent co-parent with him. It is really something that I can't even talk much about. The cheating & the drinking & uselessness is enough, but the money stuff is just.....so bad. I don't come from money. I was stupid in my youth & acquired a lot of debt that I worked my entire adult life to fix & to save that much was a huge accomplishment. And it's just gone😞 Sigh... OP I'm sorry for bringing it into your thread. I hope you can secure the best lawyer available & protect yourself
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 6, 2019 15:44:54 GMT -6
It’s not irrelevant though. Finding out where this money went is going to tell her who she’s actually dealing with here. ETA: especially when custody will come up. Yeah. I get the point, if he spent the money on video games and burger king it would still be a deal breaker for me. But if he's spending it on drugs, that's an issue if he's watching her kids. And if it's women, that's an issue for her health. Yeah *if* a lot of this money went to hard drugs then that’s going to be a big factor on him seeing my kids or not. Doing a line of coke while partying with the guys is one thing, but spending retirement money on it on top of who knows is another. Again, that’s even if it’s drugs. That’s why I say it’s important to find out.
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