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Post by bellatrix on Mar 4, 2019 12:11:30 GMT -6
I didn't want to read and not post. Sending strength your way. ::Hugs::
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Post by Uncaripswife on Mar 4, 2019 12:52:38 GMT -6
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it's wise that you're getting your ducks in a row.
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CeeBug
Opal
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Post by CeeBug on Mar 4, 2019 12:55:54 GMT -6
I am sorry that you are going through this.
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Post by MelanieCarmichael on Mar 4, 2019 13:04:42 GMT -6
I'm so sorry, suspiciouswife. You and your kids deserve so much better and you are amazingly brave to be doing what you need to to take care of you and them.
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Bluebird
Amethyst
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Post by Bluebird on Mar 4, 2019 13:22:27 GMT -6
I'm really proud of you suspiciouswife. Of course there could've been a path forward with him, but it would require complete honesty and remorsefulness from him and a 100% commitment from him to work on this going forward - it does not sound like you have that. This is your one life, you know? You get to decide how it goes and what you're willing to accept. It took me longer to figure that out than I would have liked. But now that I"m on the other side of it, there is no question that I set the standards for how my partner treats me. And my life is so so much better than it's ever been because of that. HOld on to that notion through the hard times. Your best days lie ahead of you - I'm sure of it. Quoting this because the second paragraph is really important, IMO. I’m sorry about all this, OP, because it’s a shitty place for you to be, and it’s really shitty for YH to do this. You deserve better, and good for you for making the hard decision to seize that.
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Post by lolacachia on Mar 4, 2019 13:38:16 GMT -6
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine being as calm as you seem to be. Please make sure to take care of yourself as you have to take care of your kiddos too, I don't want you to forget that it's ok to take some moments for yourself.
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maybe
Sapphire
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Post by maybe on Mar 4, 2019 15:56:34 GMT -6
Oh and I recorded the whole conversation because I didn’t want him to gaslight me and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from here and the Kardashians you can never have too many receipts. You are so badass. I’m sorry you have to use that energy on this situation.
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Post by sherminator on Mar 4, 2019 22:35:48 GMT -6
No matter what happens with your marriage, you will never regret following your instincts, and taking care of your finances and protecting your family. Cheating or no, things are not quite as they should be and you are cautious, smart and proactive. Good luck!
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 5, 2019 8:09:58 GMT -6
I’m going to do this one last update... he showed me his banking and he invested $1000 in a virtual currency his buddy told him about. Aside from that we talked about the situation, he expressed a bit of remorse but was not open to sharing his feelings which is typical. I’m not going to burn things down quite yet. I feel I owe it to both of us and our kids at this point to see the therapist together and both of us go for individual counseling. We will see what happens but know that all of your support and advice has been so helpful.
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pearbear
Amethyst
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Post by pearbear on Mar 5, 2019 8:20:42 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, I am sorry you are going through this, but you are a strong woman who is holding her own! The one thing that is kind of a deal-breaker for me personally is hard drugs (and I admit maybe I'm OTT with it, but it's my hill). I worry a bit that you have two young kids and he is doing drugs that you were not even aware of. How bad are they and are you sure it is safe for him to be around the kids?
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Post by sherminator on Mar 5, 2019 19:02:23 GMT -6
suspish- you are proceeding cautiously with both eyes open, that is good. I wish you the best of luck. you will not regret locking down finances and escape routes, but I hope you never need it, and you and your husband do whats best for you both- whatever therapy uncovers and leads you to
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jenna
Platinum
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Post by jenna on Mar 6, 2019 2:19:37 GMT -6
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STP
Diamond
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Post by STP on Mar 6, 2019 8:49:28 GMT -6
And in general communicating with women?
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 6, 2019 9:11:47 GMT -6
And in general communicating with women? Initially he said more or less it was for attention, he was lonely 🙄 So he is a very friendly guy in general often does this thing where he’ll suggest to people, friends, cousins, to have a party or go on vacation together or do something where he has no intention to actually follow through. And said it was like that. However in the trickle of truth, he just finally disclosed that he’s taken 20000-30000 out of his retirement savings accounts to fund his lifestyle because the amount of fun money that we had budgeted together wasn’t enough. At no time did he say anything about it not working for him. It’s not the first time since I’ve known him that he’s done it and hes terriblle managing money so I’ve taken over it since I don’t trust him and obviously it’s for a good reason.
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STP
Diamond
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Post by STP on Mar 6, 2019 9:17:01 GMT -6
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gimmeaQ
Opal
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Post by gimmeaQ on Mar 6, 2019 9:21:20 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, wooooooooahhhh that is a lot of money out of retirement. i say this cautiously, but his reaction to however you handled that might be enough for me to decide whether to stay or go (at least temporarily). i don't think i'd have time for this trickling truth if that's the kind of thing coming out.
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mack
Amethyst
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Post by mack on Mar 6, 2019 9:22:39 GMT -6
And in general communicating with women? Initially he said more or less it was for attention, he was lonely 🙄 So he is a very friendly guy in general often does this thing where he’ll suggest to people, friends, cousins, to have a party or go on vacation together or do something where he has no intention to actually follow through. And said it was like that. However in the trickle of truth, he just finally disclosed that he’s taken 20000-30000 out of his retirement savings accounts to fund his lifestyle because the amount of fun money that we had budgeted together wasn’t enough. At no time did he say anything about it not working for him. It’s not the first time since I’ve known him that he’s done it and hes terriblle managing money so I’ve taken over it since I don’t trust him and obviously it’s for a good reason. Ok this is burn it down for me
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Post by Rusty Red on Mar 6, 2019 9:25:17 GMT -6
That money. That would be it for me. I can't be with someone I can't trust financially.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2019 9:26:11 GMT -6
That’s a large chunk of money. Aren’t there penalties to taking that out as well?
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piratecat
Diamond
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Member is Online
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Post by piratecat on Mar 6, 2019 9:34:35 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, yikes, that is a lot of money to spend secretly, especially at the expense of your retirement. It's one thing to be bad at managing money but it's entirely different when you go behind your spouse's back to spend that kind of money.
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piratecat
Diamond
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Post by piratecat on Mar 6, 2019 9:34:51 GMT -6
And I'm sorry that you are going through this.
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maybe
Sapphire
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Post by maybe on Mar 6, 2019 9:37:13 GMT -6
This is financial infidelity. I think you need to heighten your threat level here.
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maybe
Sapphire
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Post by maybe on Mar 6, 2019 9:37:46 GMT -6
What does he have to show for $20-$30K? I assume this was over years?
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Cher
Global Moderator
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Post by Cher on Mar 6, 2019 9:39:29 GMT -6
What does he have to show for $20-$30K? I assume this was over years? Yeah, I’d need some accounting on this ....
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Post by emmilally on Mar 6, 2019 9:44:22 GMT -6
What does he have to show for $20-$30K? I assume this was over years? This what I am wondering. In hindsight does it make sense that he had a little more disposable income than budgeted to spend on little things like going out etc, or did he do something with this money that is totally off your radar? Do you know how much he had in retirement to start with? If it's not much more than 30k do you think he also has other debt? You don't have to answer that, just thinking outloud. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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Post by lemondrop on Mar 6, 2019 9:45:42 GMT -6
That money. That would be it for me. I can't be with someone I can't trust financially. This. I consider that stealing. From you, from your children. $30k is a full year salary for some folks. A good chunk of a college education. From a simple grand invested in a bitcoin type product to taking thousands out of a retirement account... I’d hazard a guess it’s a lot more than $30k, too.
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maybe
Sapphire
Posts: 3,640 Likes: 28,255
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Post by maybe on Mar 6, 2019 9:49:59 GMT -6
Yeah, if he is confessing to $20-$30K, it’s more. Given how slow he has been to tell you the truth, there is more out there.
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Post by angelashly on Mar 6, 2019 9:51:14 GMT -6
What does he have to show for $20-$30K? I assume this was over years? I hope so, but I would need to know on what.
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wasabi
Moderator
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Post by wasabi on Mar 6, 2019 9:54:38 GMT -6
20-30k is a whole lotta fun
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bazi
Opal
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Post by bazi on Mar 6, 2019 9:54:53 GMT -6
What does he have to show for $20-$30K? I assume this was over years? Yeah, I’d need some accounting on this .... Also the fact that it’s a $10k range...like was it 20 or was it 30? Does he not know?
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