Kids at a funeral (TW: Parent death)

[mack]

We are heading to my Dad’s wake and funeral this weekend. My kids have never been to a funeral or dealt with death in our family. They know what death is. I am Christian and they are being raised as Christians, so we explained to them that Papa went to Heaven and is with Jesus. So they get it (I think).

But I am anxious about how they will behave or react during the actual events. First, I am concerned that the amount of emotion will be overwhelming for them. A is super excited to go to NJ because they always have so much fun with their family and cousins, so it feels like she doesn’t get that this is not going to be a fun family get together. I am concerned about them acting out or acting up at the wake and service. I have talked to them repeatedly about how important it is to behave. I told them it would be disrespectful if they did not behave and I may have also threatened to leave them on the side of Rt 9.

TL;DR: I guess I am looking for any advice about how to talk to them or prepare them for this weekend?

[blurnette989]

How old are they mack?

[mack]

Apr 14, 2018 7:56:53 GMT -6 blurnette989 said:

How old are they mack?

6 and 8

[greykitty]

I'm so sorry for your loss - will there by anyone at the services who could take the kids out if needed. At a friend's sister's services, I was one of the designated people to take the two kids to another part of the funeral home for hot chocolate, coloring books, etc. Friend's kids were fine during the actual funeral, but did get bored and antsy at the wake and at the after funeral luncheon. No one thought it was disrespectful to just take them out for a bit and let them, well, be kids.

[joy]

I think you’ve done what you can, honestly.

I’m not sure how old your kids are. When I was 10, my father’s mother died. I did the viewing, funeral and reception. I understood from walking in that this was different when everyone was sad. I acted as best I could for my first funeral experience (scared but was quiet and stuck close to my mom).

The reception after - at least for us kids - was fun. We all played like normal.

[rvasc]

Is there someone there who could be their “person”? Like, I did this for my niece when H’s grandmother died. If the wake or service is too much, their person can take them outside for some air.

[joy]

I am sorry for your loss, mack.

[brux]

❤️ do you have a cousin or good friend or aunt/uncle on your mom’s side who could help be in charge of your girls?

I would make the assumption now that they’re going to be bored and have a hard time with all the expectations and the rules.

So I would try to find a physical place where they can hang out and someone to help you by swooping in to be the one to help the girls get to that spot and help them with coloring or iPad or whatever.

[rvasc]

Also a really good book for Christians is water bugs and dragon flies.

[brux]

So everyone agrees - focus on the service for you and don’t really worry if your girls participate or get it now.

[mack]

Apr 14, 2018 8:01:29 GMT -6 brux said:

❤️ do you have a cousin or good friend or aunt/uncle on your mom’s side who could help be in charge of your girls?

I would make the assumption now that they’re going to be bored and have a hard time with all the expectations and the rules.

So I would try to find a physical place where they can hang out and someone to help you by swooping in to be the one to help the girls get to that spot and help them with coloring or iPad or whatever.

I am bringing their iPads and headphones to the wake. That way they can go sit in another room quietly if they get bored. I don’t have anyone that can come help be the child wrangler, but I am having MH be on deck if they act up. He’s going to take them right outside if they start getting riled up.

[GhoatMonket]

While I think it is good that you are stressing that they need to be on their best behavior, there is a lot of emotion going on and they can often pick up on that. Anyone that would judge you for a child not being perfect at a funeral can go fuck themselves. It sounds like you have done your part.

They can still have fun with their cousins. They can be excited about that even though the reason sucks.

My husband's 20-something year old nieces and nephews were having a screaming match that almost turned into a fist fight in the entry of the funeral home 5 minutes before FIL's funeral started. So as long as they aren't doing that, it can always be worse.

((hugs))

[regal]

My condolences mack

We talked about how people would be sad and might be crying, and that they might feel like crying too. We prepped them about the open casket and gave them the option to go up.

I brought some activities for them and had family members as back up. There is usually a family lounge at funeral homes where they can hang out if they want.

[mack]

My dad was cremated so no body or casket. But I am going to have to explain about cremation and that should be interesting lol.

[rvasc]

Apr 14, 2018 8:05:34 GMT -6 regal said:

My condolences mack

We talked about how people would be sad and might be crying, and that they might feel like crying too. We prepped them about the open casket and gave them the option to go up.

I brought some activities for them and had family members as back up. There is usually a family lounge at funeral homes where they can hang out if they want.

Oh yes. If there will be an open casket, you will need to talk about that. But based on the timeline, I’m guessing your dad was cremated.

[thechickencoop]

I'm so sorry.

DS1 has been to several funerals over the last few years (He's 6 now) and we've prepped each time similar to like what you've done. Let him know our behavior expectations and made sure we had an 'out' when he got bored.

I agree with pps-see if you can have a person (whether your H or another relative) to be the one to keep art supplies, the iPad, books, etc. and to be able to take them out to the bathtoom, for fresh air, and so on. I was always that person with DS1, but mostly because the funerals have been on H's side.

Download a bunch of videos, make sure your batteries are charged, bring snacks. I'm sure they'll be fine for the service but I've found it's really the viewings that tend to drag for them.

{{hugs}}

[joy]

Were either of them close to your father?

My older sister had a muuuuch harder time “behaving” at my grandmother’s funeral than I did. She ran out of the viewing because that was her grandma in a coffin. I didn’t know her as well so I more “I’ll sit here and not make a sound.”

EDIT - I see there is no viewig. That’s easier.

[rvasc]

Do I also remember that one of your girls is on the spectrum? We recently had a family flying in for a funeral at our church, and the nephew had aspergers. They asked us if they could arrive early for the service, and they took him around various places to explain what would happen. It seemed to work well for them.

[thechickencoop]

Oh, I've found too that kids are always a welcome distraction at services (at least in our families). Everyone is always happy to see them and it gives people something to focus on/talk about.

[blurnette989]

I am very sorry for your loss.

I agree with others that have gone someone who can escort them to a spot that wont disruot things if need be is good. Based on their ages they will notice other people are more somber and at least for a bit act accordingly, but at their age they likely don't understand the finality ofthe situation or how hard it may be emotionally for you. That said, I wouldn't expect them to be sad or act not like kids for the whole trip. They will likely Still see their cousins and be happy and have fun and that's ok. It's also ok for you to rely on yh to shoulder more of the parenting to allow you to grieve the way you need to with your familyand nothave to deal with kids being kids. Hugs.

[Deleted]

I agree to just do what you can. Everyone gets a big dose of grace when funerals are involved. Remember that they can be really stressful/uncomfortable for adults too, so don’t put too much pressure on this being a kid thing or your kid thing.

If you could designate an adult that is their person that would be great.

In terms of talking to them about things it’s always good to just continue the conversation in small amounts. Ask if they have any questions, answer those exact questions (without going past that question) and then check for understanding.

So many hugs to you.

[rvasc]

Another helpful thing to remember is that children grieve in spurts. They may cry and be very sad and then 15 minutes later be dancing around giggling.

[Deleted]

I’m sorry mack.

At the last couple funerals I went to there was a small sitting room for immediate family just off the visitation area. Something like that might be good for tablet/wind down time if it gets to be too much.

[billyhorrible]

Apr 14, 2018 8:04:07 GMT -6 mack said:

I don’t have anyone that can come help be the child wrangler, but I am having MH be on deck if they act up. He’s going to take them right outside if they start getting riled up.

This is what we've done, although LBB was younger in all occasions.

When DH's father died I took him to the back room when he got antsy.

When my cousin died, DH brought him outside.


We did a similar talk about how others were going to behave/feel, and how it was okay and normal if he felt that way too. Luckily your girls are older and better able to express themselves and their feelings, which should lead to less inappropriate behavior - often caused by young children not sure what to do with what they're feeling.

[sweetc129]

I’m so sorry for your loss. My kids are younger so what we did doesn’t apply from my moms funeral.

ETA: I also suggest keeping them occupied in the private room and switch out who is with them. I’ve never been to a funeral home that doesn’t have a small private space/room

[Dr. Cox]

I don’t have advice that hasn’t already been said, but wanted to say I’m so very sorry for your loss. ❤️

My son is much younger, but he got antsy and a little loud at my grandfather’s funeral. It really wasn’t as big a deal as I thought it would be and my husband just took him out. Try not to stress about this.

[wickedcandy]

I'm sorry Mack.
The fact that he was cremated may be a bit more helpful, then if there was a coffin... I know when my Uncle on my mom's side passed away, my 2 cousins from my dad's side were around for me sister and I, in case it got to be too much.

[Cupcakemama]

I am sorry for your loss. At my Dad's visitation and celebration of life I had my DH on kid duty. Fortunately for us between my siblings and I we have lots of kids so they kept each other entertained. They provided a respite from the grief for many of those attending including my grandmother. I cant count how many people came up to us after and thanked us for bringing the kids.

[valiente]

I had a lot of grands die around the ages of your kids. I behaved because I was overwhelmed and I tend to go inside myself when I get that way. How do they typically respond to being overwhelmed? Are they likely to act out? I think having distractions might be a good idea to give them an escape from the emotions of the day.

I have to say, I think some kids at this age need a lot of sensitivity. They are impacted by the emotions in the room, in my experience. And especially when it is the people they love. For me it would have helped to be told that people are going to be really emotional and that funerals are good times to help get those emotions out. And that everyone will be more their usual selves again in the future.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

[sweptaway]

I'm so sorry mack

I agree with everyone else. Don't be too hard on yourself, or them. It's difficult all around. Sending lots of love your way.