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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 14:54:56 GMT -6
Curious as to what everyone thinks.
A friend of mine is a high school principal and had a student come to him (thru referral of the school psychologist). The child is a 16 year old junior, and has come out to friends and teachers as non-binary and has asked to be called a different name (let's call this child Toby) and to be referred to in gender neutral pronouns (they, them).
My friend sent out a staff wide email letting the staff know of these requests made to him from Toby. In the email he stated that the child's parents do not know that they identify as non- binary and to not mention it to the parents during any meetings etc.
While I think my friend did the right thing 100%, I can't help but feel like I would absolutely want to know if my child was asking to be called a different name and to have different pronouns used. I am wondering if I am completely off base in thinking that, as it's been a while since I was a teenager.
Thoughts?
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 14:57:38 GMT -6
Also just if anyone is not 100% sure, non- binary means the child doesn't identify with either gender.
My friend said the child presents as a slightly androgynous looking female and has a boyfriend(if that part matters at all).
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ftwr
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Post by ftwr on Feb 7, 2018 14:58:09 GMT -6
Yeah, you may want to know but there many be reasons why Toby doesn't want their parents to know. I think in the past, often times schools stepping in and giving parents information like this about the student has gone badly for kids, especially in the LGTBQ community.
Or maybe I'm just mis-remembering and making stuff up.
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 14:59:51 GMT -6
Of course I'd want to know. It would break my heart to think my child didn't trust me enough to share these things. But a lot of kids don't. Trust their parents with that, I mean. Right.. i think the part that gets me is that Toby feels comfortable enough with teachers to be out but not the parents. Seems like such an odd set of circumstances. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 15:01:34 GMT -6
Yeah, you may want to know but there many be reasons why Toby doesn't want their parents to know. I think in the past, often times schools stepping in and giving parents information like this about the student has gone badly for kids, especially in the LGTBQ community. Or maybe I'm just mis-remembering and making stuff up. This 1000%. I think that your friend may want to follow up more on how to support the student if/when they want to come out to their family. Maybe a referral to a counselor? |
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Post by sweptaway on Feb 7, 2018 15:01:50 GMT -6
Yes of course I would want to know but there could be many reasons Toby isn't comfortable with their parents knowing. I think your friend is making the right call, but I also think, if there is a teacher or counselor who has a good relationship with Toby, that trying to talk it out more re: why don't they want their parents to know might help. It could put the teachers in a sticky spot if the parents find out this was going on "behind their backs"
But, to help Toby and ensure they have a trust relationship, I think this is the correct call. I'm sure it wasn't easy for them to have this conversation at school.
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Post by imapenguin on Feb 7, 2018 15:03:46 GMT -6
Yeah, you may want to know but there many be reasons why Toby doesn't want their parents to know. I think in the past, often times schools stepping in and giving parents information like this about the student has gone badly for kids, especially in the LGTBQ community. Or maybe I'm just mis-remembering and making stuff up. I 100% agree. There may be a reason Toby isn’t sharing with their parents and as much as I want to know about my child, I’d prefer policies to err on the side of caution and do what they can to make sure everyone remains safe at home. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 15:04:37 GMT -6
Of course I'd want to know. It would break my heart to think my child didn't trust me enough to share these things. But a lot of kids don't. Trust their parents with that, I mean. Right.. i think the part that gets me is that Toby feels comfortable enough with teachers to be out but not the parents. Seems like such an odd set of circumstances. I think that’s actually pretty common. School is a nightmare for some students and a safe haven for others. Hopefully in this case it’s just the student trying to practice with their peers and teachers before the big deal coming out to their family. But, unfortunately, for some it is still not safe to come out to family for myriad reasons. |
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 15:05:19 GMT -6
Yes of course I would want to know but there could be many reasons Toby isn't comfortable with their parents knowing. I think your friend is making the right call, but I also think, if there is a teacher or counselor who has a good relationship with Toby, that trying to talk it out more re: why don't they want their parents to know might help. It could put the teachers in a sticky spot if the parents find out this was going on "behind their backs" But, to help Toby and ensure they have a trust relationship, I think this is the correct call. I'm sure it wasn't easy for them to have this conversation at school. Yes, I am assuming the parents have made it known that they wouldn't be supportive of a child that was struggling with gender identity issues, as this incident has sort of started a debate within my extended group of friends and some things that have been said have me shaking my head in disbelief. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 15:06:49 GMT -6
I don’t know Toby’s individual circumstances, but LGBTQ teens have one of the highest rates of homelessness because they sometimes (too frequently) get kicked out of their homes when their parents find out.
One of my friends is married to someone who was kicked out and cut off 30 freaking years ago- his parents still haven’t come around.
I think it is awkward for the school, and I would definitely want to know, but I would also hope that my kids would know that they would be safe and loved if I had that knowledge.
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honda
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Post by honda on Feb 7, 2018 15:07:16 GMT -6
I don't think the school should inform Toby's parents so I want to say that up front. However, if I was a teenager making the request I would assume my parents would find out somehow.
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Post by sweptaway on Feb 7, 2018 15:10:16 GMT -6
The school's responsibility is to the students and for the students' well being. They are handling correctly by respecting all of Toby's wishes
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 15:10:54 GMT -6
I don't think the school should inform Toby's parents so I want to say that up front. However, if I was a teenager making the request I would assume my parents would find out somehow.I guess this was kind of where my mind went. It seems like a big thing to stay a secret for a long time (assuming Toby wants this to stay a secret through graduation). |
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Post by waowao1 on Feb 7, 2018 15:11:07 GMT -6
I'm a teacher and our campus has a policy that we are not to out students to their parents, and to use the requested pronouns. I'm in a fairly conservative area.
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Post by readyornot on Feb 7, 2018 15:15:18 GMT -6
My immediate thought was maybe Toby has already told the parents, they aren't supportive, & now Toby has decided to not involve the parents any longer.
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 15:16:56 GMT -6
My immediate thought was maybe Toby has already told the parents, they aren't supportive, & now Toby has decided to not involve the parents any longer. That's a good point, I had not thought of that. |
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Post by chickenonsunday on Feb 7, 2018 15:18:08 GMT -6
I take it that you are not educator at the school. Why do you know the details of what is happening with this student? This makes me worried that this student's privacy isn't being protected. Maybe this is an overreaction on my part but I applaud Toby for voicing their wishes and hope they are protected.
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Post by hufflepug on Feb 7, 2018 15:21:07 GMT -6
I truly hope Toby's wishes are respected. 1. Because nobody gets to decide who gets what information when besides Toby and 2. It's so important for all kids to feel safe at school and like they can trust the adults in charge.
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on Feb 7, 2018 15:21:37 GMT -6
I take it that you are not educator at the school. Why do you know the details of what is happening with this student? This makes me worried that this student's privacy isn't being protected. Maybe this is an overreaction on my part but I applaud Toby for voicing their wishes and hope they are protected. Well, she didn’t say their real name, nor do we know who she (helen) is. It still feels weird. I do not ever share this kind of thing about congregation members, here or anywhere else, with or without their names. |
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Post by lucilleaustero on Feb 7, 2018 15:22:50 GMT -6
I think it is awesome that Toby is self-advocating. I would assume that Toby has, or at least feels they have, a very good reason that the parents are not clued in yet.
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origami
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Post by origami on Feb 7, 2018 15:24:24 GMT -6
I take it that you are not educator at the school. Why do you know the details of what is happening with this student? This makes me worried that this student's privacy isn't being protected. Maybe this is an overreaction on my part but I applaud Toby for voicing their wishes and hope they are protected. I couldn't figure out why my hackles were up but this is exactly it. Why do you know about this? Do you know any more information than what you posted here? Because if so, and you're not otherwise related to the school, that is an incredible breach of privacy...and law. |
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 15:26:49 GMT -6
I take it that you are not educator at the school. Why do you know the details of what is happening with this student? This makes me worried that this student's privacy isn't being protected. Maybe this is an overreaction on my part but I applaud Toby for voicing their wishes and hope they are protected. No I am not. My friend sent a draft of the email to see if it seemed worded correctly/ if it was sensitive etc. The names were blacked out in the email, I have no idea what this student's actual name is. |
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 15:28:50 GMT -6
I take it that you are not educator at the school. Why do you know the details of what is happening with this student? This makes me worried that this student's privacy isn't being protected. Maybe this is an overreaction on my part but I applaud Toby for voicing their wishes and hope they are protected. Well, she didn’t say their real name, nor do we know who she (helen) is. It still feels weird. I do not ever share this kind of thing about congregation members, here or anywhere else, with or without their names. Fair enough. It seemed like something we sometimes talk about here. I was curious to know your collective thoughts. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 15:29:12 GMT -6
I would want to know, but it’s my chlidrens’ place to share this type of info with me.
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 15:29:40 GMT -6
I take it that you are not educator at the school. Why do you know the details of what is happening with this student? This makes me worried that this student's privacy isn't being protected. Maybe this is an overreaction on my part but I applaud Toby for voicing their wishes and hope they are protected. I couldn't figure out why my hackles were up but this is exactly it. Why do you know about this? Do you know any more information than what you posted here? Because if so, and you're not otherwise related to the school, that is an incredible breach of privacy...and law. I answered below. |
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jrun2013
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Post by jrun2013 on Feb 7, 2018 15:30:02 GMT -6
Of course I'd want to know. It would break my heart to think my child didn't trust me enough to share these things. But a lot of kids don't. Trust their parents with that, I mean. Right.. i think the part that gets me is that Toby feels comfortable enough with teachers to be out but not the parents. Seems like such an odd set of circumstances. I teach in a high school in which this is actually standard practice. We have a fair number of students who identify as non-binary or transgender and they feel comfortable enough to be open about this at school. When a student would like to change their name at school they are welcome to fill out a form that will be shared with the staff. On that form they let us know how they would like us to refer to them when we speak with their parents. In a perfect world this wouldn't be necessary, but it's our job at the school to keep our students safe and they may not feel safe with their parents knowing. |
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on Feb 7, 2018 15:31:56 GMT -6
Well, she didn’t say their real name, nor do we know who she (helen) is. It still feels weird. I do not ever share this kind of thing about congregation members, here or anywhere else, with or without their names. Fair enough. It seemed like something we sometimes talk about here. I was curious to know your collective thoughts. I actually think it’s ok here. There’s no way any of us would ever figure out who the student is. It’s weird your friend told you. |
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Feb 7, 2018 15:34:38 GMT -6
Fair enough. It seemed like something we sometimes talk about here. I was curious to know your collective thoughts. I actually think it’s ok here. There’s no way any of us would ever figure out who the student is. It’s weird your friend told you. Yeah maybe it was weird. I think this was the first time he's has this specific kind of request, and TBH I was a secretive child (about other things) and my child not telling me hugely important things about her life is a big fear / worry of mine so I reacted to it. |
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Post by mrsrgosling on Feb 7, 2018 15:37:00 GMT -6
I take it that you are not educator at the school. Why do you know the details of what is happening with this student? This makes me worried that this student's privacy isn't being protected. Maybe this is an overreaction on my part but I applaud Toby for voicing their wishes and hope they are protected. I couldn't figure out why my hackles were up but this is exactly it. Why do you know about this? Do you know any more information than what you posted here? Because if so, and you're not otherwise related to the school, that is an incredible breach of privacy...and law. I feel like the principal did the right thing... I also feel like it's a far stretch to say the child's privacy was violated. It wasn't. IMO. Edit to add - it doesn't sound like Toby told the principal not to tell anyone. Just not to talk to their parents about it. Sounds like the whole school is probably aware. |
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origami
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Post by origami on Feb 7, 2018 15:40:56 GMT -6
I couldn't figure out why my hackles were up but this is exactly it. Why do you know about this? Do you know any more information than what you posted here? Because if so, and you're not otherwise related to the school, that is an incredible breach of privacy...and law. I feel like the principal did the right thing... I also feel like it's a far stretch to say the child's privacy was violated. It wasn't. IMO. Edit to add - it doesn't sound like Toby told the principal not to tell anyone. Just not to talk to their parents about it. Sounds like the whole school is probably aware. I think the Principal did the right thing, my immediate concern was if Helen didn't work for the school a law was potentially broken. If all information to her was redacted (which she reports it was) then a law wasn't broken and privacy is intact. I don't think it's a stretch at all to worry about a student's identity to a non school non familial contact. I work in data for a school district. We take student data really seriously so that's why my hackles were up. She explained, they're back down. I still find it odd that the principal wouldn't have had someone in building proof read since the staff was to be made aware anyway, but that's a judgment call, not a privacy issue. |
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