Tlex
Ruby
Posts: 22,759
Likes: 154,991
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Post by Tlex on May 31, 2017 20:44:41 GMT -6
Well I have (currently unmedicated) ADHD and I'm still bearing the brunt of the mental load so... I call bullshit.
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leilapup
Platinum
Posts: 1,832 Likes: 4,480 
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Post by leilapup on May 31, 2017 20:49:35 GMT -6
Well I have (currently unmedicated) ADHD and I'm still bearing the brunt of the mental load so... I call bullshit. Oh he for sure could be doing more and that has nothing to do with the ADD. But I think it does contribute to some of it. And I do wonder if it would make a difference if he was medicated. Maybe it really wouldn't but I wish he would at least try. But obviously that's his choice. |
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joy
Global Moderator 
TTC, Pg, B&C
Posts: 9,265
Likes: 41,957
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Post by joy on Jun 1, 2017 5:26:29 GMT -6
Yup, this is my life.
The other day both my husband and daycare commented on my kid's lack of socks. I nearly started crying. "I know! We don't have many socks but I'm debating buying more as it's almost summer and socks won't be as necessary. She also will need 12 month clothes in a few weeks so I was going to just wait and add them to that order but I've been watching how many socks she really needs each week and it's not many so I think we're okay as today it's going to be 80."
Socks are keeping me awake.
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Post by peachsmama on Jun 1, 2017 6:16:22 GMT -6
Like if I died (God forbid, obviously) I don't think it would even occur to MH to clip the kids nails. I'm purposely drawing his attention to more mundane stuff (their humidifiers need to be filled before bedtime, for example) just to get it on his radar and off my plate. Because again, he wouldn't think to even do it. Yes. This. This is where I'm at. Like everyone would survive but they would be "those kids" at school. 3 inch finger nails and wax gobs in their ears and all their clothes are 2 sizes to small. I went shopping this weekend for my oldest for the next size up and H is like why does he need more clothes? Because he grew 2 inches and his pants are hitting his ankles! |
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Post by Notarobot on Jun 1, 2017 6:27:21 GMT -6
I've read the metafilter thread before, and some discussion on a wedding site about Emotional Labour. This comic is spot on as well though. It's something that has been weighing on my mind so much since then. We are currently in a bad spot in our marriage and I've really stopped doing any emotional labour for the relationship. It's wearing on H I can tell but I just can't bring myself to take it all on again. I think I may be broken.
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Post by squeakyduck on Jun 1, 2017 6:38:18 GMT -6
I am the spouse with adhd. I still do the mental load and it's so hard.
For those of you with adhd spouses, it helps to think of it as an executive function disorder. It's so much more than attention, but they named it before they really understood it.
And it's extra hard because there are so few resources on adults with adhd because they used to think we outgrew it. Nope. Most either compensate or self medicate with caffeine and/or alcohol. Lots of resources for parents of boys with adhd, not so many for adhd parents, not so much for spouses, even less for women and girls.
But omg, mental load. Today is my gym day, so MH is supposed to get up with the toddler. He usually expects me to help all morning even though he doesn't help on my days. And he doesn't even notice. And we're about to have a come to Jesus talk about laundry and dinners.
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rvasc
Emerald
Posts: 14,449 Likes: 83,796
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Post by rvasc on Jun 1, 2017 6:41:06 GMT -6
Well I have (currently unmedicated) ADHD and I'm still bearing the brunt of the mental load so... I call bullshit. I'm not saying his ADD is an excuse, but I am saying it's harder for him to bear mental load than it is for me, so it is very tempting, especially given the gender expectations, to just go with it. Certainly, it affects how mental load plays out in our relationship. |
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rvasc
Emerald
Posts: 14,449 Likes: 83,796
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Post by rvasc on Jun 1, 2017 6:41:50 GMT -6
I've read the metafilter thread before, and some discussion on a wedding site about Emotional Labour. This comic is spot on as well though. It's something that has been weighing on my mind so much since then. We are currently in a bad spot in our marriage and I've really stopped doing any emotional labour for the relationship. It's wearing on H I can tell but I just can't bring myself to take it all on again. I think I may be broken. Well you're not a robot. He needs to step it up. |
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spooko
Silver
Posts: 408 Likes: 946
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Post by spooko on Jun 1, 2017 7:12:40 GMT -6
I read this last night and kind of thought, hmm, fair enough. I didn't see it as particularly groundbreaking. HOWEVER, this morning I realized that the mental load thing is directly applicable to how arguments with H always go. I'm supposed to tell him what's wrong, I'm supposed to tell him why I feel that way, I'm supposed to tell him how it could have gone differently, I'm supposed to tell him how to fix things in the future. I'm exhausted. So then, after I primarily solve the problem and only leave him with the actual future-action step, I'm just so much more crushed and disappointed when he doesn't do that ONE THING. Are you kidding me? I connected ALL THE DOTS and I have to do this all again? So then I'm left feeling like he either doesn't get it or he doesn't care and neither are entirely true but there's still so much put back on me to go further. And I can only explain myself so many ways so many times. I'm not sure how to get out of this loop but I'm definitely resentful.
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ripper
Opal
Posts: 8,601 Likes: 30,205
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Post by ripper on Jun 1, 2017 7:27:06 GMT -6
Ahhh a spin-off of my pink/blue job comment. I like the cartoon - it's so true. I feel well equipped to handle the mental load b/c I commute and work a FT job, but my H is self-employed and has a casual job teaching in the evenings. He is the one that is up making breakfast, packing lunches, doing the school run (and afternoon pick-up). He manages many of the household obligations (like the pool, service people, groceries, costco, drugstore runs, etc).
But I am the one who manages what needs to be done and when. And certainly I do my fair share (laundry, making beds, we share the cooking, shopping, etc). We have been married for a significant amount of time and we only got into this groove a few years ago. It took a long time to learn to be efficient.
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valiente
Platinum
Posts: 1,867 Likes: 6,257
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Post by valiente on Jun 1, 2017 7:28:36 GMT -6
We're working on this...
At therapy I expressed my anxiety about an upcoming trip for a wedding. His response was that he didn't know why because he was usually so good on vacation because there are no stresses, everything is easy, he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He has no clue how much time and effort I put into making his vacation a good experience for him (partially so that he doesn't turn "bad"). And what I compromise. At all.
I got to call him a princess though, with reference to Mindy Kaling's book, so that was fun!
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redbears
Sapphire
Posts: 4,569 Likes: 13,231
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Post by redbears on Jun 1, 2017 7:34:36 GMT -6
I love when h asks where something is...my response is usually "its right next to look for it". Because my whole family assumes I know exactly where every item we own is at all times. But you do, right? MENTAL LOAD!! |
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Peekaru
Sapphire
Posts: 2,533 Likes: 10,671
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Post by Peekaru on Jun 1, 2017 7:51:42 GMT -6
So long. I skimmed and had to stop doing even that. Many of the examples seemed really depressing and like not great relationships. It took me a long time to read. There are a lot of good examples though, especially how women become their partner's social secretary and are expected to remember all the dates and times and things like that. YES! Why am I charge of all the birthdays/anniversaries etc etc. I don't have your parent's anniversary memorized, why am I blamed when he doesn't call? This is my soapbox, and I shall stay on it. |
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Post by butlerfan on Jun 1, 2017 9:20:14 GMT -6
So while we have some chores that are more traditional we also have a bunch that are not the traditional ones-i.e. my H does 85-90% of the cooking and I help with some outdoor chores. However, yes to the mental load of everything!
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Post by justbecause on Jun 1, 2017 12:24:20 GMT -6
I wish h would understand this.
He dumps a lot on my plate because I stay home.
If he would help more, he also might get more lovin' since I won't be completely exhausted by the end of the day.
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Post by peachsmama on Jun 2, 2017 6:12:25 GMT -6
Something changed with the division of the mental load when I went back to school. I just unpacked all of his stuff out of my brain and focused on school and HC. I don't keep up with whether or not he has clothes for work. He washes his own clothes. I text him before I go to the store to see what he needs. If he doesn't tell me, it doesn't get bought. He's used to making quick fix meals for HC now because I had night classes all the time. It really changed our dynamic. However, I will say my mental load now consists of the kids: HC and hopeful baby #2. With the adoption paperwork, I had to hound the absolute shit out of him to get simple documents together (like printing out or making copies of things), and I'm literally doing everything else. The paperwork, the fundraising, the research, the mental and physical preparation of a second child, and I feel so stressed out right now, and I think this is why. I didn't really have much to add to this conversation, but I needed to vent. The hole adoption process totally sucks btw. I mean I'm sure it's all worth it in the end, but holy crap at the red tape, hoops to jump through, weeding through unethical, shitty agencies, and trying to figure out how to pull over 30K out of your ass. I'm a little on edge. Holy shit. It should not cost that much to give a child that needs a home, a home. Thats insane. Do you know if it's cheaper to adopt from over seas? I always wondered what the cost/red tape difference was. |
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Post by butlerfan on Jun 2, 2017 11:02:22 GMT -6
Something changed with the division of the mental load when I went back to school. I just unpacked all of his stuff out of my brain and focused on school and HC. I don't keep up with whether or not he has clothes for work. He washes his own clothes. I text him before I go to the store to see what he needs. If he doesn't tell me, it doesn't get bought. He's used to making quick fix meals for HC now because I had night classes all the time. It really changed our dynamic. However, I will say my mental load now consists of the kids: HC and hopeful baby #2. With the adoption paperwork, I had to hound the absolute shit out of him to get simple documents together (like printing out or making copies of things), and I'm literally doing everything else. The paperwork, the fundraising, the research, the mental and physical preparation of a second child, and I feel so stressed out right now, and I think this is why. I didn't really have much to add to this conversation, but I needed to vent. The hole adoption process totally sucks btw. I mean I'm sure it's all worth it in the end, but holy crap at the red tape, hoops to jump through, weeding through unethical, shitty agencies, and trying to figure out how to pull over 30K out of your ass. I'm a little on edge. Have you joined in on the adoption/foster care board yet? Love to have you there! |
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Post by butlerfan on Jun 2, 2017 11:08:40 GMT -6
peachsmama I agree it shouldn't cost that much to give a child a home.
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Post by butlerfan on Jun 2, 2017 11:54:30 GMT -6
@jananigans it's a small group and still working on people coming over from the other place. It is still a good place to vent and get support and in time it will grow as well.
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ceejay
Bronze
Posts: 160 Likes: 394
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Post by ceejay on Jun 2, 2017 15:15:17 GMT -6
Have you joined in on the adoption/foster care board yet? Love to have you there! I popped in and said hello. I need to be more involved, but it seems like the majority of the adoption aboard is about foster-adoption which I know really nothing about. :/ Sent from my HTC One M9 using Tapatalk There are a few people on our board that have done DIA in the past or are in that process currently. We also do some discussions about adoption topics in general. We'd love to see you there.  |
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