leilapup
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Post by leilapup on May 31, 2017 16:41:42 GMT -6
This made me want to cry a little. My invisible burden has felt very heavy lately. H is always willing to help, but sometimes the delegation just adds to the pile, you know? So much this. He always helps when I ask but I get so tired of having to ask when it's obvious what needs done. |
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regal
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Post by regal on May 31, 2017 16:43:40 GMT -6
A friend sent this to me last week and I cried. I don't even cry at funerals.
I'm hesitant to have my H read it though. If he does and nothing changes, I don't know how I'll feel.
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Post by sweptaway on May 31, 2017 16:50:31 GMT -6
Part of the mental load as well is women not wanting to give up control of some of these things. I think we need to remember that as well. My H is perfectly capable if he's left to his own devices
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Post by windwithfingers on May 31, 2017 17:13:36 GMT -6
So long. I skimmed and had to stop doing even that. Many of the examples seemed really depressing and like not great relationships. It took me a long time to read. There are a lot of good examples though, especially how women become their partner's social secretary and are expected to remember all the dates and times and things like that. |
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regal
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Post by regal on May 31, 2017 18:07:11 GMT -6
Part of the mental load as well is women not wanting to give up control of some of these things. I think we need to remember that as well. My H is perfectly capable if he's left to his own devices I don't really agree. If I don't buy a snow suit and boots for my kid it would never cross my h's mind. Then When it snows I need to deal with the problem. Sure if I wasn't in the picture the consequence would fall on him, but as long as I'm here, he'll continue to be oblivious to how much I actually do. |
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Post by harvestmoon on May 31, 2017 18:35:50 GMT -6
I know the shopping is just an example, but I point blank refuse to carry the entire load of either chores or planning. Yes there are consequences sometimes but I don't think the mindset of "if I don't do it the whole family will suffer" is the right perspective to take on it.
H and I discuss who will handle what stuff regularly and if he doesn't handle his shit he deals with the fallout/cleanup. And if he doesn't fold or put away his laundry (because he does his own) and lives out of the basket he can be the wrinkly guy for all I care.
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on May 31, 2017 18:47:57 GMT -6
Like if I died (God forbid, obviously) I don't think it would even occur to MH to clip the kids nails. I'm purposely drawing his attention to more mundane stuff (their humidifiers need to be filled before bedtime, for example) just to get it on his radar and off my plate. Because again, he wouldn't think to even do it. I have a running list of things in a file in case I die that my husband will not know. He doesn't even know who C's pediatrician is, let alone her specialists. |
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Post by nenarene on May 31, 2017 18:51:33 GMT -6
I saw this just today on FB. I have felt this way for a long time and tried to explain it to my EX a few times. Unfortunately I'm still responsible for everything to do with my house and kids. Even on his time I have to make sure they have everything they could need(clothes, diapers, wipes, toothbrushes, deodorant, hair brush) coordinate appointments and make sure he gets them there, tell him when school or swim events are. Like fucking look it up on the website like I have to do.
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Post by sunshine on May 31, 2017 18:54:32 GMT -6
Like if I died (God forbid, obviously) I don't think it would even occur to MH to clip the kids nails. I'm purposely drawing his attention to more mundane stuff (their humidifiers need to be filled before bedtime, for example) just to get it on his radar and off my plate. Because again, he wouldn't think to even do it. I have a running list of things in a file in case I die that my husband will not know. He doesn't even know who C's pediatrician is, let alone her specialists. This is actually a great idea! I might just do the same thing. |
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leahcar
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Post by leahcar on May 31, 2017 19:04:12 GMT -6
My H started * mostly * SAH when our 3rd was born and full-time SAH a few months ago. I've really started just letting things go and seeing what happens. Almost two years later- some of the mental load is finally starting to lighten.
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Post by flippinchica on May 31, 2017 19:22:59 GMT -6
Like if I died (God forbid, obviously) I don't think it would even occur to MH to clip the kids nails. I'm purposely drawing his attention to more mundane stuff (their humidifiers need to be filled before bedtime, for example) just to get it on his radar and off my plate. Because again, he wouldn't think to even do it. I've been struggling in first tri misery lately and doing the least and daycare sent a note home to clip DS nails. Oops. DH is actually better than me at keeping up with house cleaning stuff though. |
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leilapup
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Post by leilapup on May 31, 2017 19:23:23 GMT -6
I think about what would happen if I weren't here sometimes too. I know he would be able to take care of the basics but the extra stuff might not get done. Things like signing them up for sports and planning birthday parties. I just don't think he would even think about that stuff. Or at least not to plan ahead and make sure it gets done.
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Post by yoginikiki on May 31, 2017 19:25:50 GMT -6
I think I might be your husbands? I don't know...genders are sort of reversed in our house. I don't think I am that dense...but I don't know. Maybe I am?
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talon
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Post by talon on May 31, 2017 19:31:01 GMT -6
This is my life. MH is great about doing half the chores but I have to manage everything and tell him what to do. Like I'll be gone during lunch time so make sure to feed the kid and here's what she eats type thing. He doesn't know how to put her hair in a ponytail, what her daycare teachers names are though he sees them every day, what the name of the medicine she takes is, what size clothes she wears, anything. It's draining :/
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on May 31, 2017 20:00:07 GMT -6
That kind of shocks me. Yes, he needs to know who her doctors are!! Yea I'm not trying to pile on but this is totally different that filling humidifiers and cutting nails. He could probably deduce it, because there's a magnet on the fridge, but he's never called them or anything. Not sure if he's been since we moved? I mean, I know it's awful. He fills the humidifiers, tho. I don't even know how to order the filters. |
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Post by fikafairy on May 31, 2017 20:11:50 GMT -6
Like all of you, this 100% feels like my life.
Except add a DH who got diagnosed with ADD as an adult, and does the illustration with the towel and the vegetables to the nth degree. So besides the entire mental load, there's a constant running list of things H didn't finish or "put here just for now" (when said actual location is TWO FUCKING FEET AWAY) that I'm running around doing.
We used to have this fight more frequently until we started going to counseling following our loss of DD in September. I *think* he gets it now - having to think for 3 people is exhausting.
I will say, I have no idea how our washer or dryer truly works, and I cannot remember the last time I dealt with the litter box or the vacuum. But that also comes with letting go of needing it done right this second vs. when DH does it. It still happens, maybe not quite as frequently as I want or how I want, but it's done.
I think I will show DH this, he will probably laugh at first but maybe it will bring the point home. Keeping track of what household supplies we need feels like a FT job some days. I don't have time for that shit, my really FT job requires enough brainpower.
ETA- wager =\= washer
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pootsen
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Post by pootsen on May 31, 2017 20:17:34 GMT -6
Yes this is so accurate. I've tried to explain this to my husband not quite so eloquently using the example of making dinner.
I was complaining that I make dinner every single night and he offered to do it.
Okay, but so much more goes into it than just making dinner. Do you know what you will make? Are you up to meal planning and grocery shopping? Finding a balance between tasty, healthy, and quick/easy to prepare? Scouting sales at the grocery stores while trying to use up what we already have on hand? Planning for leftovers- will the dinner make enough for lunches the next day or another dinner meal?
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leilapup
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Post by leilapup on May 31, 2017 20:20:47 GMT -6
Like all of you, this 100% feels like my life. Except add a DH who got diagnosed with ADD as an adult, and does the illustration with the towel and the vegetables to the nth degree. So besides the entire mental load, there's a constant running list of things H didn't finish or "put here just for now" (when said actual location is TWO FUCKING FEET AWAY) that I'm running around doing. We used to have this fight more frequently until we started going to counseling following our loss of DD in September. I *think* he gets it now - having to think for 3 people is exhausting. I will say, I have no idea how our washer or dryer truly works, and I cannot remember the last time I dealt with the litter box or the vacuum. But that also comes with letting go of needing it done right this second vs. when DH does it. It still happens, maybe not quite as frequently as I want or how I want, but it's done. I think I will show DH this, he will probably laugh at first but maybe it will bring the point home. Keeping track of what household supplies we need feels like a FT job some days. I don't have time for that shit, my really FT job requires enough brainpower. ETA- wager =\= washer MH was diagnosed with ADD a few years ago too and it really does explain so much about why he does things the way he does. He drives me crazy sometimes but I try to remember that's part of it...which is really hard to do sometimes. |
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on May 31, 2017 20:21:09 GMT -6
Yes this is so accurate. I've tried to explain this to my husband not quite so eloquently using the example of making dinner. I was complaining that I make dinner every single night and he offered to do it. Okay, but so much more goes into it than just making dinner. Do you know what you will make? Are you up to meal planning and grocery shopping? Finding a balance between tasty, healthy, and quick/easy to prepare? Scouting sales at the grocery stores while trying to use up what we already have on hand? Planning for leftovers- will the dinner make enough for lunches the next day or another dinner meal? I will say that I have totally offloaded this to my husband. We don't eat exactly what I'd like, but he's pretty good about sales and budget and balanced meals, so I don't complain. It's been a huge load off my plate (I need room for all the doctor visits, clearly). |
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on May 31, 2017 20:21:50 GMT -6
Oh hai I am also married to an adult who was diagnosed with ADD as an adult.
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Post by fikafairy on May 31, 2017 20:23:16 GMT -6
pootsen, exactly. Dinner isn't just *poof* food happens when you make it. There's a food budget to start, then how much $ in budget, then what do we have, then how much time, then etc etc etc etc. I do like cooking, so I don't mind 99% of the time. But I don't want to or just don't have the energy, I wish DH's "cooking" wasn't just reheating thugs or using the phone. Edit - leaving the typo.
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pootsen
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Post by pootsen on May 31, 2017 20:24:19 GMT -6
I mean, I guess there are some things that MH does that I don't even think about- like getting oil changes for the cars (or even filling up the gas tank sometimes- oops), mowing the lawn, and snow blowing in the winter- but honestly those are the only examples I can think of.
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Post by fikafairy on May 31, 2017 20:24:54 GMT -6
leilapup and rvasc - it's nice having an explanation, but good god it's tiring isn't it? It's like a whole different layer of thinking. I work in education/mental health so I'm more than adequately equipped to deal, but it doesn't make it any easier at all.
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pootsen
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Post by pootsen on May 31, 2017 20:25:04 GMT -6
pootsen, exactly. Dinner isn't just *poof* food happens when you make it. There's a food budget to start, then how much $ in budget, then what do we have, then how much time, then etc etc etc etc. I do like cooking, so I don't mind 99% of the time. But I don't want to or just don't have the energy, I wish DH's "cooking" wasn't just reheating thugs or using the phone. Yeah MH said he would just make chicken and veggies every night lol. |
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leilapup
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Post by leilapup on May 31, 2017 20:25:31 GMT -6
Oh hai I am also married to an adult who was diagnosed with ADD as an adult. Did yours start taking medication when he got diagnosed? Mine was supposed to but never filled the prescription and gets mad if I bring it up. I think he's embarrassed and feels like he made it this long without it so doesn't see the point. |
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Post by fikafairy on May 31, 2017 20:28:12 GMT -6
Oh hai I am also married to an adult who was diagnosed with ADD as an adult. Did yours start taking medication when he got diagnosed? Mine was supposed to but never filled the prescription and gets mad if I bring it up. I think he's embarrassed and feels like he made it this long without it so doesn't see the point. Mine did because it had started impacting his performance at work. It has made SUCH a huge difference for him in that area alone in the few years he has been on it. |
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on May 31, 2017 20:29:50 GMT -6
Oh hai I am also married to an adult who was diagnosed with ADD as an adult. Did yours start taking medication when he got diagnosed? Mine was supposed to but never filled the prescription and gets mad if I bring it up. I think he's embarrassed and feels like he made it this long without it so doesn't see the point. God, yes. Thank baby Jesus for adderrall. I had to push on that point a little, but I swear it's like a different person. |
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leilapup
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Post by leilapup on May 31, 2017 20:31:57 GMT -6
Did yours start taking medication when he got diagnosed? Mine was supposed to but never filled the prescription and gets mad if I bring it up. I think he's embarrassed and feels like he made it this long without it so doesn't see the point. Mine did because it had started impacting his performance at work. It has made SUCH a huge difference for him in that area alone in the few years he has been on it. I think that's a big reason why he doesn't think he needs to. He's doing fine at work so I think that's his measuring stick. He doesn't realize how it impacts everything else. |
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leilapup
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Post by leilapup on May 31, 2017 20:33:13 GMT -6
Did yours start taking medication when he got diagnosed? Mine was supposed to but never filled the prescription and gets mad if I bring it up. I think he's embarrassed and feels like he made it this long without it so doesn't see the point. God, yes. Thank baby Jesus for adderrall. I had to push on that point a little, but I swear it's like a different person. Sounds like I should try to have this conversation again. I should probably just call and make an appointment myself. |
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Post by fikafairy on May 31, 2017 20:38:39 GMT -6
leilapup like rvasc said it's like a different person. H is still like 15% scattered, but it's better than 90% scattered on a different planet. DH wasn't doing badly at work, but he would miss stupid things or overlook silly mistakes as a result. Now even he reports it's 1000x better. He is in the process of weaning down a bit mostly because he hates taking meds. We will see how it goes and re evaluate.
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