Marriage after babies

[scorpioscuba]

It's hard for me to put this out there. But I really have no one else to talk to except H and I obviously need other thoughts on this. We went through a similar phase after DS was born, between his 1st and 2nd year and it seems we are right back there again. Silly me, I thought we were doing better but apparently it's still not enough.

For H, it all comes down to (IMO) sex. We don't have sex enough.

For me, it's so much more than that. I'm tired, touched out, stressed out, blah blah blah, don't feel appreciated, don't feel connected, REALLY unhappy with how I look and I don't feel I have the time or energy to fix my body issues (see: tired, etc).

Ladies, I LOVE my husband. He is an awesome father. He is a good man and we have fun together when we do get time to go on date nights. He is under a lot of stress with school, but so am I with everything else. We don't communicate about these things. This snowballs and I'm never in the mood and when there is opportunity (kids asleep) I'm usually too tired. He rarely initiates cause he feels bad I'm so tired. Vicious cycle, rinse, repeat. Little silly things add up into resentments and we find ourselves here. He thinks I don't even want him anymore (sexually) which isn't true. It's not about HIM, it's about ME. He has a hard time understanding that. He says he does but I tell him there is no way he can understand how I'm feeling not to mention all the fucked up things hormones from pregnancy and breastfeeding do to your body.

He's open to counseling if it comes to that. Mostly for us to communicate better our differing needs I think. We are going to try better to set aside time every night after the kids are asleep to just talk and reconnect. I also need to make time for me and get out of the house by myself. But I know how easy it is to slip into old habits, especially after he is back in school.

Anyone else with similar issues? Any brilliant ideas for me?

[crimsonandclover]

Yep, in a similar boat over here. What has helped for us was setting aside one night each week specifically for sex (for us Sundays because we almost never have anything going on then). I can mentally prepare, and he knows that at least once a week is a sure thing. He would still prefer more, and most Sunday nights I would be perfectly happy falling into bed to sleep instead, but this is an arrangement we can both live with.

[lollipop]

We're in a similar place, sex wise. He always wants it, but I'm tired and frustrated and tired of being touched. He doesn't seem to understand how other things affect my ability to get in the mood. We don't get date nights as often as we used to, because it's much harder to find someone willing to watch both kids. My mom will take one or the other anytime, but she will only take both occasionally. Same goes for my sister. His parents won't take them at all, unless it was their idea. We've had some luck asking someone to come to our place to watch them for a few hours. But still, we used to get out once or twice a month, and now we sometimes go for 2 or 3 months without a night out. It is what it is, I guess, there isn't much we can do about a lack of childcare.

[Deleted]

It's hard to focus on the marriage part after babies because babies are a 24/7 job. I think talking about issues and trying to keep marriage a priority are positive things and you are doing those. Maybe some you time would be good as well to help with the stress. There aren't enough hours in the day. We don't get much alone time, if you know what I mean, and bless his heart, dh hasn't brought it up. When there is a chance, I'm usually tired and not feeling it as well. I have been thinking about this lately and wondered if getting off birth control might help my drive. Idk. It's hard.

[sjames2015]

Warning!! It's a huge word vomit here. We are in rough patch that seems to be our normal and I don't have a clue where or what to do.
We are in a similar boat. Not enough sex in the last 5+ years. Kids only made it worse. If h decides to actually bring it up it's some innuendo, which I won't say because they are all gross in my mind or he's said them so much that I'm annoyed with them. Our communication kills us. I said I was going to do counseling for us this year but I have no clue where to even start plus I really don't want to tell anyone but we will have to have someone watch the kids. We are both procrastinators, but if it has to do with the kids I usually am good about not putting it off. H goes at his own pace for everything and could care less about anyone it affects. I am a stay at home mom who never gets time away, doesn't get help when anyone is around, and isn't getting enough sleep. H and I have had 3 dates in the last 4.5 years all before DD2 arrived. I have tried to respect the fact that he works and I stay home, but I need a break too. He works 2 weeks then gets a full week off. During that week he refuses to watch any kids shows, he won't go outside with the kids, won't help at night, expects that we all go with his scheduling (see above as it's all on his time) dinner not till 9, no problem kids can adapt. Bedtime is whenever he's ready and then wonders why I get so frustrated.
Our relationship needs something and I have no clue how to go about it. He loves his kids, I'm sure loves me but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like the nanny who takes care of the house and kids and that's all.


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[dizzycooks]

sjames2015 and everyone else.
Marriage after kids sucks. I'm convinced. I don't have too many complaints, but unmet expectations, lack of changes by all involved when people are brave enough to be honest, feeling taken for granted and lack of intimacy are awful.
I don't have any idea how to go about finding counseling, never mind the cost/time to go/babysitter.
Our "solution" is to take advantage of a parents night out offered by a church near us. At the very least we get one evening out a month for $20. I never knew this existed, but it's definitely worth looking for. Time helps.
I stink at making time for myself though. I rarely get "me time".


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[kcrkcs]

I think I have mentioned more than once that we are more like roommates. I don't have time to say much more right now... Sufficed to say sex, intimacy, connection, communication are an issue.
Hugs ladies.

[kittenmittens]

Hi ladies! It's lsquared.

We have similar issues when it comes to sex. H thinks a normal sex life is 5 nights a week, lol. It literally took me asking him if he wanted to leave me (in tears one night after an argument) because I can't have sex that often.

I don't know if this is helpful but for me, making the decision to have sex even when I don't feel like it has helped. I tried offering the scheduling idea and he didn't go for it so now I sort of schedule it for myself without him realizing it. Knowing what nights we're being intimate has helped me start to look forward to it.

I try to get into bed a half hour earlier than normal that way I can still go to sleep semi on time.

It's taken a long time for us to get here. I pretty much say what I'm feeling 99% of the time so he knows what he has to do to help me get to my happy place. It may not work for everyone but it's working for us for us for now.


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[scorpioscuba]

I'll be back to comment more because I really appreciate your suggestions. I really just want to thank you all for being open. Also, I'm grateful I'm not alone in this and that this is pretty normal to go through.

[scorpioscuba]

LT's are for solidarity!

[tinydancer]

Hugs for all. I don't have much to add other than to say that our sex life has definitely suffered after the baby. And no brilliant ideas unfortunately. I like crimson's idea of scheduling, but that's never quite worked for me and MH. Sort of along the same lines as kittenmittens (!) said, one thing that helps me feel more into sex is actually doing it. Nowadays it seems like I can always think of something I'd rather be doing (sleeping or working) but then when I do it, it usually makes me remember why I liked it (and MH) in the first place. Anyway, I hope it gets better for everyone. It seems like my parents' sex life improved when I went to college (TMI?), so...light at the end of the tunnel?

[lollipop]

I think part of the reason I'm not into it is because I feel frumpy and unattractive 99% of the time. It's something I need to work on. I'm too young to feel this old and ugly. I'm not even 30 for Pete's sake

[crimsonandclover]

Yep. I've lost over 20 lbs since January, and on days when I realize the difference that makes it makes me feel better about myself, I feel more attractive, and that makes it easier to get in the mood.

But amen to feeling like the hired help sometimes, although my situation is not nearly as bad as what you described, sjames2015. TBH I'm not sure I could stay married if my DH acted like yours. I hope he comes around some.


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[silverspoon]

scorpioscuba I feel like I could've written that word for word.

I was trying to make sure at least once every weekend, so Sunday if it came to that, we had sex but it got to the point where I was dreading Sunday night. I don't dislike sex, but the scheduling mentality of it turned me off so badly. Yet, I have zero desire to initiate it other times soooo back in the rut we go.

I am controlling to a bit of an extreme I think. I like things a certain way and I don't handle it well if the routine falls off course or things in the house aren't taken care of how I deem they should be. The addition of a baby seems to have made all of that a lot worse. I actually really prefer the nights H isn't there because then he doesn't get in my way.

I know getting time to myself helps me, but then H thinks I'm ignoring him. In the evenings I'll go to our room and read instead of hang out with him, but I just need that time to decompress.

This was a poorly written word vomit, but yes, this marriage after baby stuff is hard and frankly sucks sometimes.

Of course, we still have all the tension from the house issues. I'm pretty sure he's always been this bad at finishing things, but before I could overlook it better. Now, with J I feel like time is ticking that much faster.

[silverspoon]

Now here's the guilty second part of my word vomit.

J is finally getting the hang of a solid bedtime and a pretty standard wake time. He goes to bed at 6:30pm and gets up around 6:30am. I usually don't hear him on the weekends until around 7am because he sort of hangs out chilling in his crib messing with his blanket quietly for awhile. I get plenty of sleep, I have plenty of time in the evenings to take care of things and get alone time.

I feel like things SHOULD be better, but they aren't. I know about counseling and whatnot, but there's the time factor and the weeks are so busy I do not want to add ONE MORE THING.

Maybe I need a new hobby.

[scorpioscuba]

May 30, 2017 19:19:37 GMT -6 kittenmittens said:

Hi ladies! It's lsquared.

We have similar issues when it comes to sex. H thinks a normal sex life is 5 nights a week, lol. It literally took me asking him if he wanted to leave me (in tears one night after an argument) because I can't have sex that often.

I don't know if this is helpful but for me, making the decision to have sex even when I don't feel like it has helped. I tried offering the scheduling idea and he didn't go for it so now I sort of schedule it for myself without him realizing it. Knowing what nights we're being intimate has helped me start to look forward to it.

I try to get into bed a half hour earlier than normal that way I can still go to sleep semi on time.

It's taken a long time for us to get here. I pretty much say what I'm feeling 99% of the time so he knows what he has to do to help me get to my happy place. It may not work for everyone but it's working for us for us for now.


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Our blowout Sunday kinda spurred from a similar moment you had. I basically told H that he is always miserable when he is at home, snappy, and it's hard to be around him. I said if he doesn't want to be with me anymore just tell me and we'll figure something out. That's when he he finally told me that basically he is miserable because of our very limited sex life and it's hard for him to be around me when he thinks I don't want him in that way.

Scheduling sex with H wouldn't work either necessarily (at least as an open agreement between us) because then he'll feel like I'm doing it out of obligation which he specifically doesn't want. He wants me to want to do it, etc. But I could try just scheduling it with myself. I need to be better about saying what I'm feeling which might be easier now that we've cleared the air on a few things already.

[scorpioscuba]

sjames2015, would your H consider counseling? I agree with crimson that I could not stay married in a situation like that. It sounds like he is unwilling to compromise on anything, which, well when you have kids, is pretty much a must. But also, hello, a relationship is TWO people and both peoples needs should be met. I'm sorry things are so tough for you. Big HUGS!

[scorpioscuba]

My body issues are a huge concern as well, for ME. H spent 30 minutes Sunday night telling me how much he loves ME and doesn't see what I see (Like, is he BLIND?). I'm the heaviest I have ever been in my life outside of the last month of pregnancy. Mostly, I just don't have time to work out and also after the kids go to bed I stress eat. I'm trying to nix that in the bud. I know it's 80% diet so I do have some control.

[scorpioscuba]

silverspoon, I also recognize that I am a bit rigid, controlling, etc but as I tell H, that's survival with kids. Especially when I am on my own with them so much while he is in school. I continually try to point out how the schedule (i.e. sleep) is so beneficial. He agrees but doesn't have the same commitment to watching the clock to ensure things happen when they need to to get everyone to bed at a reasonable time.

And I wouldn't feel guilty that you are getting enough sleep (hello, jealous! so you should want sex more. I try to tell H it is more than that for (most) women. At least for me I need to feel some connection with H and if he isn't in tune to me I lose that. I also feel underappreciated and like he doesn't recognize all the things I do for our family. I told him those are things I NEED from him to want to have sex. When he is snippy and moody and I'm doing everything there is no way I'm going to go out of my way to have sex.

[lollipop]

May 31, 2017 8:19:17 GMT -6 scorpioscuba said:

My body issues are a huge concern as well, for ME. H spent 30 minutes Sunday night telling me how much he loves ME and doesn't see what I see (Like, is he BLIND?). I'm the heaviest I have ever been in my life outside of the last month of pregnancy. Mostly, I just don't have time to work out and also after the kids go to bed I stress eat. I'm trying to nix that in the bud. I know it's 80% diet so I do have some control.

My H is the same. He always says I look great and that I'm not fat (because I whine about being fat a lot). But I just don't see how he doesn't see it. I'm over 200 lbs. When we met I was at least 50 lbs lighter. I really need to cut back on the snacking and junk food. I'm just so lazy about food.

[kittenmittens]

It sounds like we're living parallel lives @scorbioscuba.

I think that's why my H didn't want to do the schedule -- because he would think I was obligated to do it. Which yes I feel obligated to have sex with him like 70% of the time. But he's much happier when we do which makes him more willing to do whatever it is I ask him to do around the house. So i bite the bullet when I don't feel in the mood because it makes our relationship run more smoothly. The way I look at it we are both compromising.


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[crimsonandclover]

scorpioscuba, my DH also plays fast and loose with the schedule when he's got the DDs, which drives me nuts, but it works for him and they generally don't end up overtired (he always gets them into bed within 45 min of when I do, so it's not a big difference).

I totally agree with the under-appreciation leading to problems.

[scorpioscuba]

May 31, 2017 12:30:48 GMT -6 kittenmittens said:

It sounds like we're living parallel lives @scorbioscuba.

I think that's why my H didn't want to do the schedule -- because he would think I was obligated to do it. Which yes I feel obligated to have sex with him like 70% of the time. But he's much happier when we do which makes him more willing to do whatever it is I ask him to do around the house. So i bite the bullet when I don't feel in the mood because it makes our relationship run more smoothly. The way I look at it we are both compromising.


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Life twins!

[dizzycooks]

scorpioscuba I second "planning ahead". When I realize it's been a while I tell myself we need to dtd sometime this week/weekend/etc. and then I try to pick a time I'm feeling most up to it, but if the deadline rolls around, then I just go for it. I'll be honest I dread it sometimes, but generally it ends up being fun. And dh is in a much better mood after, lol.


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[kcrkcs]

My feelings about how I look definitely affect my desire for sexy time. Hubs is exhausted. I am exhausted. We are both depressed. Essentially no one except the babe is getting their needs met.
Hubs is trying really hard right now and I am trying to make a conscious effort to recognize it and meet him half way.

[kcrkcs]

Oh also have I mentioned that sex hurts. Ever since my fucking IUD. No real explanation for why. But it hasn't been comfortable for me in years.

[scorpioscuba]

May 31, 2017 14:14:34 GMT -6 kcrkcs said:

Oh also have I mentioned that sex hurts. Ever since my fucking IUD. No real explanation for why. But it hasn't been comfortable for me in years.

I was always told that the IUD shouldn't make sex hurt but I had a similar issue and was so glad to get rid of that damn thing. I swear I could feel it in certain positions. Do you have other options you can consider and get the IUD out?

[kcrkcs]

May 31, 2017 14:58:58 GMT -6 scorpioscuba said:

May 31, 2017 14:14:34 GMT -6 kcrkcs said:

Oh also have I mentioned that sex hurts. Ever since my fucking IUD. No real explanation for why. But it hasn't been comfortable for me in years.

I was always told that the IUD shouldn't make sex hurt but I had a similar issue and was so glad to get rid of that damn thing. I swear I could feel it in certain positions. Do you have other options you can consider and get the IUD out?

Oh yeah that wasn't clear...
The iud has been out for 6 years. Sex has been painful for 7 😭😭👿😶

[nellieoleson]

I feel like H and I were okay in the sex department after Dd1... it was a lot less than before - especially during a few exhausting stretches - but I still wanted it and looked forward to it. Since dd2 was born I basically have zero energy and almost as little desire. There is no time, no privacy, no energy, and I'm just completely depleted by the end of the day. I keep telling myself I'll make more of an effort, but haven't so far. He is very patient and understanding, but I know it's affecting him and our marriage.

I have no answers....


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[valiente]

May 31, 2017 16:33:12 GMT -6 kcrkcs said:

May 31, 2017 14:58:58 GMT -6 scorpioscuba said:

I was always told that the IUD shouldn't make sex hurt but I had a similar issue and was so glad to get rid of that damn thing. I swear I could feel it in certain positions. Do you have other options you can consider and get the IUD out?

Oh yeah that wasn't clear...
The iud has been out for 6 years. Sex has been painful for 7 😭😭👿😶

Have you been to a pelvic floor physiotherapist?