The Toddler + Newborn Conundrum

[chitownsully]

DD has been acting jealous / aggressive whenever DH and I interact with other babies and toddlers. I'm very nervous about how she'll act once #2 gets here. Let's use this space to share some knowledge and resources on how to help our toddlers adapt to the arrival of a sibling.

Mom's with experience - what did you do? Any resources that helped you along the way?

Everyone else - please share any resources / advice you've come across to help us all through this!

[danvers]

Following


DD hates when I hold any nieces/nephews/babies. Here's what we've tried so far

1. Reading lots of books about babies and mommies and families and whatnot

2. Watching Daniel Tiger baby episode (thanks rebeccabunch for suggestion)

3. Talking about it constantly, pointing out babies, playing with baby dolls

I'm open to any and all suggestions. Especially introducing DD to baby at the hospital.

[rebeccabunch]

DS1 wasn't jealous at all when DS2 was born to the point of it being weird. This isn't because I was so enlightened, he just didn't care/didn't get it or something.

This time will be different because DS2 doesn't like when I hold any babies so I'm just as new to this as you guys. I'm going to find that Daniel Tiger episode and also look for books on Amazon.

[kinipela7]

My LO is a little bit older (she will be almost 3.5 when baby is born) and she LOVES babies. I think I will have the opposite problem where she will want to be in baby sisters face all the time and wanting to pick her up all the time.

[mommabakes]

DD was just under 2 when DS was born. She has always been very clingy/needy but adjusted awesomely!
We talked about baby a ton, played with baby dolls a lot, watched the Daniel Tiger baby episodes, let her pick our a toy and outfit for him. We made sure that we were still making 1 on 1 time for DD after DS was born, typically just laying on the floor colouring or something similar when baby was napping. Also had her help get diapers and such and be my helper.

I had my mom bring her to the hospital so that we could have some time just us, without anyone else there fawning over tiny baby. We had 2 hours just DH and I with baby, then an hour just DH, DD, and I before allowing anyone else to see baby. DD brought the baby the toy she'd picked out and mostly ignored him at the hospital.

[rebeccabunch]

Speaking of going to the hospital, I can't remember why but our hospital didn't let any kids under 12 come to visit when DS2 was born. I don't know if the flu was early that year or something but DS1 couldn't visit. He ended up being sick anyway so I didn't mind.

[blackmamba]

I'm nervous about this, too. I love the tips that have been shared so far. I'm trying to do as much as possible now to prepare him.

I read somewhere (I'll look for it) about a mom that made a special nursing/feeding play kit for her toddler that only came out when she was nursing the baby. It was a box with special toys/games/books/coloring books. etc. and maybe a few favorite snacks. Whenever she would feed the baby, she would take out the kit and let her toddler pick something to play with. It was a way to make the toddler feel special (and occupied) while mom was feeding the baby. I'm thinking of trying something like this.

I also want to try to have a "date" with DS once a week. Some time just the two of us so he knows I'm there for him, too. It could be going for a walk or getting ice cream or something.

[CoachTsWife]

mommabakes, I like the idea of letting DS see the baby before anyone else - I hadn't thought of that for some reason. Of course, time of delivery might make this impossible, but something I want to keep in mind.

What are good books to read with toddlers about becoming an older sibling? Can someone link me?

[rachydc]

Aug 15, 2017 13:47:44 GMT -6 blackmamba said:

I'm nervous about this, too. I love the tips that have been shared so far. I'm trying to do as much as possible now to prepare him.

I read somewhere (I'll look for it) about a mom that made a special nursing/feeding play kit for her toddler that only came out when she was nursing the baby. It was a box with special toys/games/books/coloring books. etc. and maybe a few favorite snacks. Whenever she would feed the baby, she would take out the kit and let her toddler pick something to play with. It was a way to make the toddler feel special (and occupied) while mom was feeding the baby. I'm thinking of trying something like this.

I also want to try to have a "date" with DS once a week. Some time just the two of us so he knows I'm there for him, too. It could be going for a walk or getting ice cream or something.

Love both of these ideas!!

[gamergirl]

As mentioned in randoms, I've been sucked back in to Pinterest. Here's what I found today that I think will be useful:

Preparing Toddler for New Baby? 10 Easy Ideas to Try

Top 7 Challenges and Solutions for Parenting a Toddler and Newborn

How to Help a Toddler Adjust After a New Baby

[gamergirl]

CoachTsWife This is the one we bought for DS >>>I Am a Big Brother . So far he loves it, and will just sit and look through it after I've already read it to him. There are a bunch of others on Amazon that I looked at too.

[gamergirl]

Oh, and this is the doll we bought for DS and gave to him on his birthday last month >>>HABA Snug-up Doll Luis
He's not super crazy about it right now, but he does call it Baby, carries it around/wraps it in a blanket, and sometimes sleeps with it. My hope is that it will help after baby comes, he'll have his own baby to care for while mommy is busy with baby sister.

[caitost21]

I too am nervous. DS is VERY attached to me and even gets jealous when I give MH or the dog attention over him.

We constantly talk about the baby, reading books, gave him a baby doll, started taking out the baby gear and have also watched that Daniel Tiger episode. As long as the hospital lets him, he will be the first one to visit and it will be just him in the room with us. I've heard that either have dad hold the baby or have the baby is the bassinet so it isn't a WTF moment of sorts? I also plan to let DS kind of lead the visit and not make it all about the baby or push him to hold/interact with him/her. I will also have a big brother gift for him but I'll be stressing it is FROM the baby.

When we go home, we plan to specifically set time aside for just DS. I'll be signing him up for a gym class every Saturday to go with just daddy and I. Also setting aside time during the day where baby is in a safe place but my attention is 100% on DS.

Can I piggy back on this? Those with older kids in daycare, are you planning to still send them once baby comes home? We are debating having a full week of just family time and keep DS home from daycare so that he gets adjusted quickly and hopefully bonds with his sibling. But then I wonder if that will make the adjustment worse because he is out of his routine. I could also send him in the mornings as sort of a compromise?

[blackmamba]

Aug 15, 2017 14:39:50 GMT -6 caitost21 said:

Can I piggy back on this? Those with older kids in daycare, are you planning to still send them once baby comes home? We are debating having a full week of just family time and keep DS home from daycare so that he gets adjusted quickly and hopefully bonds with his sibling. But then I wonder if that will make the adjustment worse because he is out of his routine. I could also send him in the mornings as sort of a compromise?

We're planning to send DS to daycare to keep his routine as normal as possible. Maybe we'll keep him home 1 day or pick him up early a few times during the first few weeks for some extra family bonding.

[chitownsully]

I just ordered a bunch of books from Amazon to start reading to DD. All of them under $4.

I Am a Big Sister -Thanks, gamergirl!
Best-Ever Big Sister
The New Baby
My New Baby

[chitownsully]

Aug 15, 2017 15:09:11 GMT -6 blackmamba said:

Aug 15, 2017 14:39:50 GMT -6 caitost21 said:

Can I piggy back on this? Those with older kids in daycare, are you planning to still send them once baby comes home? We are debating having a full week of just family time and keep DS home from daycare so that he gets adjusted quickly and hopefully bonds with his sibling. But then I wonder if that will make the adjustment worse because he is out of his routine. I could also send him in the mornings as sort of a compromise?

We're planning to send DS to daycare to keep his routine as normal as possible. Maybe we'll keep him home 1 day or pick him up early a few times during the first few weeks for some extra family bonding.

We are doing the same as blackmamba, caitost21. DD is going to the nanny to keep her routine as close to normal as possible. Obviously we'll be flexible if it's not working but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

[mommabakes]

caitost21 we will be sending DD to preschool to keep her on her schedule. She's very anxious about changes, so we're hoping that it will be the right decision.

[riverraine]

I'm on the other end of the spectrum of thinking I'll have to pull DS away from the new baby. Whenever I'm holding little babies he just wants to kiss and pat them. However, who knows what will happen when he realizes this baby isn't going anywhere!

Ooh, and it's been on my to-do list to get some books, so appreciating the titles here.

[bubblefan]

I'm scared. DS does not like babies and he does not like sharing me. I like the idea of having him be the first to check baby out. And to have time alone with me and H in the hospital. I predict I'm going to have a ton of mom-guilt but he has surprised me in the past, so maybe it won't be as bad as I'm expecting.

[arimaythea]

I haven't put too much research into this. I feel like DS is still pretty young to try and explain what is happening before baby comes. I really just have no idea what to expect.

Right now, we call my belly "baby brother" and he will give it kisses and hugs. He will sometimes say he loves baby brother, but I don't think he registers what that really means.

While we were out last week on vacation with my parents, my dad came across the same book gamergirl recommended above at a toy store so we got it, but we haven't read it to him yet. He loves being read to though so we'll introduce it to him once we are back home.

[danvers]

I've thought a little about how I'll introduce DD to baby sister at hospital. Echoing caitost21 I think either H will have her, she'll be in the bassinet, or we may send baby to the nursery for a few minutes so I can give DD all the snuggles and attention before introducing baby. DD freaked when she saw me hooked to monitors for an NST so I'd rather not add baby to the mix right away when she sees me.

DD is most certainly going to daycare. She does best one schedule and we're kind of counting on daycare to be her consistent thing while we figure out a new normal at home.

We've read "waiting for baby" and "my new baby".... a lot. There's not much plot, just short phrases and big pictures that we talk on and on about - like pictures of a mom getting her BP taken, mom resting on the sofa, painting the nursery, visiting mom in hospital, etc.

[thechickencoop]

Ahhh suckas! DS will be 5 and a half and going to K. He totally gets that there's going to be a baby and is pumped about it. He been making it special toys, putting things aside for it, and making plans for when he can sit up, crawl, eat, etc.

I was so angry that it took so long to get KU and have this huge age gap but now it's looking better and better.

Someone remember this when I'm eating my words in 2 months 😂😂

[gamergirl]

arimaythea Same with DS, we've been calling her "baby sister" and he'll usually point to my belly when asked where she is. He'll hug and kiss too, but I'm pretty sure he has no idea what's actually going on in there. When we read the book to him, I call the baby "baby sister" and the boy by his name, in hopes that it will help him make some kind of connection...but who knows.

[doodlemommy]

DD will be just 3 when baby comes. She LOVES babies and I'm worried she's going to be too involved/interested in the baby. We've been talking lots about how she has to ask a grown up if she wants to hold the baby etc. We are hoping to have her be the first one to meet baby but it will depend on timing I guess. She has a present picked out for the baby and we have a big sister present "from" the baby for her. She is pretty good at entertaining herself so I'm hoping she will play or read books when I'm nursing the baby. Really we are just winging it. She is so unbelievably excited to be a big sister I'm just hoping for the best 😳

[mkrupar]

Aug 15, 2017 18:37:45 GMT -6 arimaythea said:

I haven't put too much research into this. I feel like DS is still pretty young to try and explain what is happening before baby comes. I really just have no idea what to expect.

Right now, we call my belly "baby brother" and he will give it kisses and hugs. He will sometimes say he loves baby brother, but I don't think he registers what that really means.

While we were out last week on vacation with my parents, my dad came across the same book gamergirl recommended above at a toy store so we got it, but we haven't read it to him yet. He loves being read to though so we'll introduce it to him once we are back home.

This is exactly where we're at with DD. I can tell her there's a baby in my belly and that's where her brother is, and if someone asks her where her brother is, she points to my belly, but she really has no clue what's going on.

I haven't been around babies worth her much, so I have no idea how she'll react.

[thatgirlrachel]

Aug 16, 2017 0:46:50 GMT -6 mkrupar said:

Aug 15, 2017 18:37:45 GMT -6 arimaythea said:

I haven't put too much research into this. I feel like DS is still pretty young to try and explain what is happening before baby comes. I really just have no idea what to expect.

Right now, we call my belly "baby brother" and he will give it kisses and hugs. He will sometimes say he loves baby brother, but I don't think he registers what that really means.

While we were out last week on vacation with my parents, my dad came across the same book gamergirl recommended above at a toy store so we got it, but we haven't read it to him yet. He loves being read to though so we'll introduce it to him once we are back home.

This is exactly where we're at with DD. I can tell her there's a baby in my belly and that's where her brother is, and if someone asks her where her brother is, she points to my belly, but she really has no clue what's going on.

I haven't been around babies worth her much, so I have no idea how she'll react.

I'm kind of in the same boat as you two. DD is 20 months right now so she definitely doesn't understand exactly what's going on. I have no idea what to expect after baby is born. I halfway expect to be the same as rebeccabunch where DD really just won't care/pay attention to the new baby. She's so independent and doesn't want you to give her attention unless it's her idea. I really think she'll ignore him for the most part, with jealousy setting in a little later when she realizes he's here to stay.

[versed]

My first two are 19m apart. We started the prepping big brother about five months before.

1) We read stories about babies and watched the tv shows.

2) We transitioned DH to primary caregiver of DS1 when the two of us are home. He took over night soothing and they planned special time together. It really helped the process.

DS1 did awesome meeting him at the hospital. We made sure I wasn't holding the baby when he arrived. Baby was in the bassinet so I could give DS1 lots of love and kisses when he came in.

Once DH went back to work, it was hard. Really hard. I did lots of crying and lots of "what the hell were we thinking?" We tried special nursing toys, but he wasn't interested. I wore the baby as much as I could and interacted with big brother. It got easier eventually, but it was a rough start.

[versed]

Oh, and we thought DS1 didn't really get what was going to happen either, but he surprised us! He wasn't talking yet and we used signs. The baby's name was its own sign, and DS1 would point to my belly and sign the baby's name.

When he came to visit at the hospital, after he gave me hugs, he looked at the baby in the bassinet and signed his name - I was in shock! There was no confusion that my massive belly was now a little thing over there.

[seventythree]

Haven't read anything yet. Not sure whether this is the other side of the same coin, or an issue worth its own thread:

My biggest worry is that DD is sooooo attached to me right now. Like she freaks out when MH tries to do bedtime or goes to her in the morning, or pretty much any other time she decides that it HAS to be Mama. I feel as though the next 6 weeks are going to be VERY long and trying, never mind the PP recovery and newborn phase. I'm not sure if I'm worried about her being specifically jealous of the baby, maybe just more...generally not accepting of people who aren't me. Does that make sense? I feel like it's getting worse every day. She fussed after we put her down last night, we are fine with letting her work out her FOMO but it was seriously an hour on and off of "maaaaamaaaaa" (even when MH went in and sat with her for a while). Sigh.

Again, if this doesn't belong here, don't mind me...

[seventythree]

Aug 15, 2017 18:57:28 GMT -6 thechickencoop said:

Ahhh suckas! DS will be 5 and a half and going to K. He totally gets that there's going to be a baby and is pumped about it. He been making it special toys, putting things aside for it, and making plans for when he can sit up, crawl, eat, etc.

I was so angry that it took so long to get KU and have this huge age gap but now it's looking better and better.

Someone remember this when I'm eating my words in 2 months 😂😂

Bahaha, thanks for the laugh!! I think it's awesome that your DS is so pumped, it's really sweet that he's already got plans for his sibling