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Post by jubilantsquirrel on Jul 30, 2017 19:46:54 GMT -6
sophiegrace I'll write more. But initial thought. Are you in the wedding? MOH or bridesmaid? MOH But have already been relieved of my bridal shower duties by FMIL because "it's only fair since she has two sons and will never get to plan a wedding"..... ...... Did she not plan her own wedding? Also, no thank you to a bachelorette party planned by my FMIL.
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waitwhat
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Jul 30, 2017 19:52:41 GMT -6
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Post by waitwhat on Jul 30, 2017 19:52:41 GMT -6
Hi I'm on my second Klondike bar and about to open a beer. After tonight, I'm going to be like dashook and not drink for 6...... days. And then get totally wasted at the bachelorette Saturday. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Edit add shruggy guy just because
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Post by flamingo on Jul 30, 2017 19:54:51 GMT -6
can someone tell me how to do shruggy guy? waitwhat or anyone else? Annnd now I want a klondike bar. I may have had just a liiiiiiiiittle bit of wine tonight.
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waitwhat
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Post by waitwhat on Jul 30, 2017 19:58:12 GMT -6
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Post by jubilantsquirrel on Jul 30, 2017 20:00:11 GMT -6
MH bought me Ben & Jerry's half baked at the store today, so I'm looking forward to that during tonight.
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Post by sophiegrace on Jul 30, 2017 20:01:49 GMT -6
Thank you everyone. I'm absorbing everything. I think there are a lot of issues at play here making this situation into a big poop fest.
The car situation is what it is. She needed one to get to her student teaching observations (idk if that's the right term) and couldn't afford something we felt was road worthy. I wouldn't say we regret doing it, more of a lesson learned. The car is in my name (I know, I know) so its insured by us because God forbid something happens we want good insurance covering everything involved.
It was not many years ago that H and I used to play roulette with our bills to see which ones got to get paid that month. We both are having a hard time with seeing our family members stuck in the same situation we were able to dig ourselves out of. Even if I say no to my sister (which I did on the flowers today) I still have to feel like an asshole because I honestly don't know how she's going to pay for them. And my mom is finally not sinking financially and I just know that this wedding is going to change that.
Many of you are friends with me on Facebook...how can I drive the car I drive and not take care of my Mom? She worked three jobs after my dad left so that we didn't lose our house. And now I just know she's going to max out all of her credit cards because she feels bad that my sister didn't have the best childhood and at least deserves a nice wedding.
These are the same people that wouldn't go wedding dress shopping with me for my own wedding.
My issues run deep.
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Post by sophiegrace on Jul 30, 2017 20:03:29 GMT -6
can someone tell me how to do shruggy guy? waitwhat or anyone else? Annnd now I want a klondike bar. I may have had just a liiiiiiiiittle bit of wine tonight. Never had one of those either! How have I missed out on so many ice cream treats in my life?
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Post by sophiegrace on Jul 30, 2017 20:07:49 GMT -6
MOH But have already been relieved of my bridal shower duties by FMIL because "it's only fair since she has two sons and will never get to plan a wedding"..... ...... Did she not plan her own wedding? Also, no thank you to a bachelorette party planned by my FMIL. Idk. I've never met her and still can't stand her. One of those nicest people in the world until she doesn't get her way types. This entire situation would have been avoided if my sister would have grown a backbone from the start and told her to fuck off. Or, you know, date someone longer than 4 seconds before agreeing to marry them. Shiiiiit I wouldn't even let my MIL hold M when she came down to visit in December. Huge LOL to the thought of her planning my wedding.
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Post by sophiegrace on Jul 30, 2017 20:10:09 GMT -6
Everyone can feel free to ignore me at this point BTW. I just really needed an outlet and don't expect any of you to waste your time putting up with my tangent.
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waitwhat
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Post by waitwhat on Jul 30, 2017 20:10:49 GMT -6
OMG get yourself a Klondike bar ASAP sophiegrace! can I be honest in saying I struggle what to say to becuase you ALWAYS have the best advice? Like the best. I get that you feel obligated as MOH but honestly, she's your sister and needs to learn how to do this on her own. Once she's married, she will have to learn how to do this financially on her own with her husband. This is a lot for you. And I'm sure you feel torn. Like if you don't help her you may feel your relationship could be strained and not only will you never hear the end of it but you may feel some regret? Are you guys close? This is so tough. I'm sorry your dealing with this.
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Post by flamingo on Jul 30, 2017 20:18:52 GMT -6
I do have an iPhone. Thanks!!
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Post by flamingo on Jul 30, 2017 20:23:57 GMT -6
Hugs, sophiegrace. I can see why you're so conflicted. What does your H have to say about everything?
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Post by jubilantsquirrel on Jul 30, 2017 20:27:52 GMT -6
can someone tell me how to do shruggy guy? waitwhat or anyone else? Annnd now I want a klondike bar. I may have had just a liiiiiiiiittle bit of wine tonight. Never had one of those either! How have I missed out on so many ice cream treats in my life? I'm pretty sure you can get a Klondike bar at a gas station convenience store. Go get one!
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waitwhat
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Post by waitwhat on Jul 30, 2017 20:34:28 GMT -6
JFC I drank way too much for a Sunday night. I need to go to bed.
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Post by jubilantsquirrel on Jul 30, 2017 20:35:53 GMT -6
Hugs sophiegrace. I can totally understand why you're feeling so conflicted. By helping your sister you're also helping your mom. How far into the wedding planning are they? Can you talk to them about cheaper options? I've been to several Thursday evening weddinhs, and while not ideal, I'm pretty sure it saves a good chunk of money to do that day. What about an off season month? And flowers, they can save a ton by getting flowers from a farmers market and making the arrangements themselves. Maybe try helping them find cost saving options and donate your time instead of money?
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waitwhat
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Post by waitwhat on Jul 30, 2017 20:35:59 GMT -6
I do have an iPhone. Thanks!! I should add, I downloaded it and then copied it to my notebook so I can copy and paste whenever I like!
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Post by classymrsa on Jul 30, 2017 21:11:33 GMT -6
You guys. It was a zillion degrees today. My car said 106. So I got this to help. It was amazing. But I'm really sick of it being over 100 every day and I'm ready for fall now.
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Cheshie6
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Post by Cheshie6 on Jul 31, 2017 2:59:09 GMT -6
tjanca22, maybe because my family didn't have, I never expected anyone to pay for stuff, so I'm with you in regard to if you can't afford it, you don't get it. My ILs seem to struggle with this problem (especially with SIL1) currently they no longer can afford to "help" like they used to which has caused some issues as SIL1 believes she doesn't have to ask for things but demands them. sophiegrace, maybe I read too many manners articles but financially contributing to a wedding gives control of that wedding. And it sounds to me like there are too many people who want control but aren't contributing. I know you don't want to be THAT person but you are allowed to put conditions on your money/involvement. It's not considered rude or distasteful. If fBIL's parents are footing the bill in any way, they get a say. But since they aren't, then bride and groom don't have to listen. You have the right to say to your sister, if you want my financial help, I need you to sit with me and go over finances. If she goes radio silent, she doesn't get the money! Maybe go to your mom and talk with her about keeping her finances on the up and up. Not wedding related but for future hard conversations especially with SIL1 &2, they need a plan for us to financially help them. Normally, parents get what they need, but due to ILs not knowing how to say no to SIL1, they too would require a plan in paper for financial help. That way we know exactly how we're helping, what the money is going towards, and that they are helping themselves and not giving it to SIL1. Maybe you need to do the same? It's not about not helping but also helping them help themselves. You can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink it! You can offer your help on your terms but if they choose not to follow those terms, you have every right to not follow through with your help.
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danib
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Post by danib on Jul 31, 2017 3:26:25 GMT -6
sophiegrace please don't feel like because you have nice things you HAVE to pay for your sister tonhabe nice things. You work hard to afford your stuff. Your sister will get there some day (but she needs to learn to do it herself). One of my sisters has 3 houses (2 that they rent out), a cottage, a boat, a live-in hpusekeeper. One of my sisters lives in low-income housing (government subsidy). One lives at home with mom still (she's still in college). And I would describe myself as lower middle-class (decent house, 2 vehicles, enough to pay our bills and be comfortable, but not so much as to afford luxuries/vacations). We are all in very different places both in income and in the choices we have made in regards to money. We would all help each other in emergency (for example, when my sister2 couldn't pay daycare one month, I paid it). But nobody OWES each other anything, and I definitely would not expect sister1 to pay for my "extras" just because she can pay for so many herself. *Again, this is not saying you shouldn't give gifts, even extravagant ones if you want. This is strictly in regard to what seems to be an expectation (by others) and guilt (on your part) that you HAVE to pay your sister's way.
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waitwhat
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Post by waitwhat on Jul 31, 2017 5:21:27 GMT -6
classymrsa that looks delicious! What is it? Strawberry?
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Post by classymrsa on Jul 31, 2017 5:49:55 GMT -6
classymrsa that looks delicious! What is it? Strawberry? It's a raspberry concrete. Kind of like a blizzard but WAY better. It's vanilla frozen custard mixed with fresh raspberries. Andy's is the CFA of ice cream here.
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hangry
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Post by hangry on Jul 31, 2017 6:21:53 GMT -6
sophiegrace I had this big thing typed out yesterday, but basically, everyone has said what I would. You are not obliged to contribute anything, and I definitely wouldn't bow down to passive hints as compared to direct and calculated requests. It sounds like your sister needs some financial guidance. If you are considering contributing more, I would make it under the condition that both her and fiancé sit down with you and have a budget meeting on the wedding. You can get spreadsheets on the internet. They come knowing how much they have to spend, what they have spent, what others have spent etc. At the end, they will know how much they are short. They can either rebudget on things they have haven't spent on yet, you could offer an $x LOAN, and/or they can ask ILs for money. This would help them learn a money management skill, make wedding planning easier, and allow you some control in the situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and the underlying family stress with it.
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kleigh
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Jul 31, 2017 6:47:53 GMT -6
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Post by kleigh on Jul 31, 2017 6:47:53 GMT -6
sophiegrace I had this big thing typed out yesterday, but basically, everyone has said what I would. You are not obliged to contribute anything, and I definitely wouldn't bow down to passive hints as compared to direct and calculated requests. It sounds like your sister needs some financial guidance. If you are considering contributing more, I would make it under the condition that both her and fiancé sit down with you and have a budget meeting on the wedding. You can get spreadsheets on the internet. They come knowing how much they have to spend, what they have spent, what others have spent etc. At the end, they will know how much they are short. They can either rebudget on things they have haven't spent on yet, you could offer an $x LOAN, and/or they can ask ILs for money. This would help them learn a money management skill, make wedding planning easier, and allow you some control in the situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and the underlying family stress with it. Ooooh I like those ideas!!! Also, danib completely agree with your last post
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Post by sophiegrace on Jul 31, 2017 7:32:10 GMT -6
Thank you everyone, so much! I feel like this is her problem that I'm turning into my problem. There are some really great insights and ideas here that I'm going to use. Thank you again.
I feel a little silly making a big deal about this yesterday, but it's been weighing heavily on me.
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vino
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Post by vino on Jul 31, 2017 7:51:46 GMT -6
sophiegrace I've been thinking about a response since i read this last night. I can see how this is hard for you because there are so many levels, but, and i say this with nothing but love, lock up your bank account. Your sister hasnt been forthcoming with costs, timelines, needs, how much money she wants etc. She is instead throwing random bills and requests to you all the while I'm sure not even adding up what you've contributed. I also despise when people are all weird about money, ITS JUST NUMBERS, everybody has it in some capacity. Maybe an UO, idk. If your sister can't be an adult and come to you with X amount of costs and requests, asking for a hand out or loan she sure isn't ready for the responsibility of actually having the money. Thirdly, do not ever apologize for what you have, what car you drive or where and how you live. You and YH have worked hard to not only get the income but manage it, which is what most people really, really suck at. So, my advice is to have an honest, open conversation with her about the money she is requesting, let her ask for it and then tell her that you and YH need to discuss and you'll get back to her. The assumption that you will just pay bills that she hands over will end quickly.
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dashook
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Post by dashook on Jul 31, 2017 8:25:22 GMT -6
OMG get yourself a Klondike bar ASAP sophiegrace ! can I be honest in saying I struggle what to say to becuase you ALWAYS have the best advice? Like the best. I get that you feel obligated as MOH but honestly, she's your sister and needs to learn how to do this on her own. Once she's married, she will have to learn how to do this financially on her own with her husband. This is a lot for you. And I'm sure you feel torn. Like if you don't help her you may feel your relationship could be strained and not only will you never hear the end of it but you may feel some regret? Are you guys close? This is so tough. I'm sorry your dealing with this. ^This sophiegrace . I have nothing to contribute that hasn't already been said but I want to offer hugs because I can completely understand why you're feeling so torn and why it's been weighing on you. I think it says a lot about you that the fact that your sister is being treated completely differently than you were is a completely ancillary issue to you.
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