Talk to me Tuesday

[tgrimes]

Apr 14, 2020 12:30:48 GMT -6 inthekitty said:

I'm also team no trampoline (although I love going to the trampoline place), but would love a pool. I'm complex with where my mom anxiety chooses to spike.

Lol.  It's funny where everyone draws the line.  

[wedding]

wineallthetime, Did you see pictures? It sounds like an odd pick up line. "Hey, did you know I have a full sized trampoline in my bedroom?"...

[wedding]

C and I had a pretty good day yesterday and today between Zoom meetings for school and work conference calls we built a new Lego set so I thought we were on the same track today. Then he wouldn't stop jumping on the furniture so I took his new walkie talkies. He lost his mind. It was bad.

DH and I have been talking about what a spoiled child he is and how we really made him this way. He hasn't had to share,we have been loose on consequences and letting him run the show for a while now. So we are working on making changes before he becomes a full fledged tyrant. This was the first time I took something away and he was so full of rage. I called DH to try to talk him down and it did nothing. I ended up giving the walkie talkies back though when he started to up end furniture. Like WTF! I feel like such a failure right now. I can't even stick to a punishment. I'm also super self conscious about this. Like I think about what you guys would think of him. Like is everyone thinking (or saying) "OMG my kid would never!"


I'm at a loss so any advice you have, I'm listening.


PS- these fits have not been regular but I do realize a lot of things we let him get away with are so he won't throw a fit. I can't even lock him in his room because I am certain he will punch a hole in the door.

[nam2013]

wedding first of all you’re not a failure by any means. These things are hard.

I think once C has calmed down I try and talk it trough with him, without getting mad. What did he think happened? Why did he think you where angry? Why did he became so upset? Was he scared you where never going to give them back? What would his solution have been.

And then I’d start making a plan, explaining what where to happen if this would happen again, that he’d get an x amount of warnings and that x/y would be off the table for an x amount of time. Make the time be age appropriate, a couple of hours or a day, not weeks this imo a time frame that beyond comprehension at this age. And stick to it, it sounds weird but most kids thrive on boundaries.

What kids usually want most is attention, this way he’s getting a lot of attention for negative behaviour, but is is still attention. I’d also make a plan to reward him, not with charts etc., just so he feels that if he has had a very good day, it is being noticed. Not with stuff, but with and extra story at bedtime, making a sundae after dinner, playing a game etc.

I hope I’m making sense. Hugs, these kind of day suck.

[peachsmama]

Apr 14, 2020 12:30:48 GMT -6 inthekitty said:

I'm also team no trampoline (although I love going to the trampoline place), but would love a pool. I'm complex with where my mom anxiety chooses to spike.

Lol. Pool is my line 🤷‍♀️

[peachsmama]

wedding so not judging you. We have been entirely to easy on J because his fits/tantrums/explosions are just to much. I'd rather give in than listen to it. Then because A was fed up he has swung the entire opposite direction and I'm trying to bring him back to the middle. Then we bicker because he thinks I'm undermining his parenting and being to easy on him... its fun. We have yet to find the magic that speaks to Jackson. Promises of rewards do not work. He badgers us every 3 seconds about if he can have it and loses his mind when we say no. Time out or time in his room, he just screams bloody murder and kicks the wall and door. Taking toys he throws himself on the ground and kicks/flops. Early bedtime or no tablet has been our go to lately. And I can't really tell if its making a difference yet because of all the pent up energy from being house bound.. and he's less house bound than most because we have the farm.

Sorry I can't help, but so not judging you. It's a horrible feeling when you think you've screwed them up. A and I regularly exchange that "oh fuck" look when he's losing his damn mind and we can't reign him back in..

[mwhip]

wedding you aren't failing. Each kid is different. Each family is different. The way we all discipline is different. What works in my house, wouldn't work in someone elses house.

And my kid is spoiled. She has 2 rooms full of shit and walks around complaining about being bored, asking when she gets a new toy, and playing on her tablet.

But she knows when she has crossed the line. Because when she gets disciplined, we stick to it...me more so than H even. It's usually her tablet that gets taken away (it's her favorite0, and it's gone. She can't use it. Either until the behavior has changed, or for a set time, like the rest of the day. It's a serious consequence in our house. She knows she has to keep her rooms picked up, or no new toys.

I do also threaten to tell her dad, which tends to straighten her up since he is less lenient than I am.

[lahdeedah]

I have been thinking a lot about getting a trampoline since all this started. I want a swing set, but so bulky and expensive. I stopped at Costco today after work for some things and they had a pretty impressive swing set there for a decent amount. If it looks like summer camps are off the table, I may just cave and buy it with the check my dad sent me.

[nam2013]

Oh my goodness... our class moms really suck. Ds’ teacher hasn’t been in school since January because her dad suddenly became very ill. I said mid February ‘shouldn’t we send her some drawings etc. From the kids?’. They put a big envelope in ds’s classroom where the kids could put there notes/drawings in and they would get it to her. Well last week I was at school dropping of a drawing that Ds made for his teacher and I saw a big envelope standing in the the window sill, so I asked one of the staff members if they could mail that one to her too, thinking this must be the second or third envelope. Well you guessed it, it wasn’t... I just got a very sweet email from his teacher addressed to Ds, complementing his drawing and the picture he attached to it. This meant that was still the first envelope that was standing there, this amazing teacher didn’t hear anything from her student in three months. I’m just at a loss for words.

[mwhip]

I have things I judge on, but a kids behavior isn't one of them. Kids don't know different than we are teaching them/they are capable of comprehending.

[mwhip]

Apr 14, 2020 13:44:22 GMT -6 lahdeedah said:

I have been thinking a lot about getting a trampoline since all this started. I want a swing set, but so bulky and expensive. I stopped at Costco today after work for some things and they had a pretty impressive swing set there for a decent amount. If it looks like summer camps are off the table, I may just cave and buy it with the check my dad sent me.

I would approve of this purchase.  I'm so glad we have a nice swingset in our yard.  When it's nice, I send Evie out, she takes her tablet for music and can spend a lot of time out there.  I know she's safe because fenced yard.  

[cagoldi]

wedding Personally I have learned better than to say “my kid would never.”

Especially since parenting X and regularly catching the looks he gets from other adults.

Have you ever read Raising Your Spirited Child? I think it might be helpful.

Dude is extremely strong-willed and intense, and we don’t deal with over the top anger often at all but he could definitely be pushed that direction. My observation with kids of this temperament is a power struggle will make them absolutely bananas and you really can’t win one. Dude needs to feel empowered and like we’re a team, any other approach adds fuel to the fire.

So, we have boundaries and if he yells or gets destructive then I tell him it makes me sad when he talks to me like that, and I am walking away because it’s not okay. But if it’s just a general defiance I think he just needs to be heard. “I understand you don’t feel like you want to do your work right now, but I (or your teacher) need to know you’re keeping up in school.” Usually offering a couple minutes to take a break and let him come to conclusion he needs to cooperate yields better results.

If I were very adamant this gets done now when I say it because I’m in charge. LOL not going to happen.

Basically, I have to check my ego and work on being patient. In the moment, I’m gritting my teeth, but if I can stay in a place where I stick to what I know works FOR HIM, we usually do really well.

Good luck.

I also like Ahaparenting and Positive Parenting Solutions, if you’re looking for other resources.

One more thing, I know Dude’s love language is quality time so I make sure to never let that slide. It may be a UO, but I do believe the relationship he has with me is what compels him to want to comply, so I that’s not in order I know it pretty quickly. Not saying your relationship is a mess by any means, just that with all that’s going on maybe he’s trying to communicate all is not right in his world.

Obviously overturning furniture can’t be tolerated.

Once he calms down maybe he’ll be willing to talk about it and you can tell him that you need to come up with a plan, together, for how you handle things when he gets that upset,

[jewels]

wedding - is C reading yet? A few weeks (months? I'm honestly not sure anymore) S was having almost daily meltdowns over everything. Like - come eat your dinner, and he'd just start freaking. When he gets mad like that it's so hard for him to come back from it. Like I'll say "take a deep breath" and he will just look at me and scream "I don't know how!!".

So one time, after he calmed down and we discussed appropriate behavior, I sat with him and together we wrote a list of ways to help him calm down. I let him brainstorm them. They include things like stop and get a drink of water, hug an animal, ask for some alone time, etc. We discussed over and over again that we would refer to that if he was having a hard time calming down, and it actually worked a few times! He'll look at the list, and honestly just trying to read it usually, brings him down and then he'll choose something.  But by that point, he's usually fairly calm.

It's so hard right now b/c I think they just have so much going on in their little heads that they don't know how to express.

No judgement... this shit is hard.

[lahdeedah]

Agree with everyone else. wedding Parenting is hard, particularly in this weird space we are in now. It definitely takes work and will to figure out what will work best for you and him.

[inthekitty]

wedding I'm laughing because I was about to write that my students are brats and I don't know who raised them to be like this but a parent-teacher conference is in order. The past few days my kids have been letting their horns come out and it's wearing on me. M and C (and Dude) seem similar in a lot of ways. M is an intense and challenging child. Both girls are usually good as gold for their teachers, but at home act like I've asked the world of them to do a little schoolwork or to clean up after themselves. My kids are spoiled. I own that. That's all relative though.

Remind yourself that we're not meant to be wearing all these hats. This is an unusual circumstance. I also liked the Spirited Child book. Also keep in mind that even if C is being a jerk now, it doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a jerk. I constantly tell myself that with M. Eventually I think some of these things will click with her. But she's on her own timeline. She's stubborn and until she's ready there's not going to be any progress.

[wedding]

Apr 14, 2020 14:57:36 GMT -6 inthekitty said:

wedding I'm laughing because I was about to write that my students are brats and I don't know who raised them to be like this but a parent-teacher conference is in order. The past few days my kids have been letting their horns come out and it's wearing on me. M and C (and Dude) seem similar in a lot of ways. M is an intense and challenging child. Both girls are usually good as gold for their teachers, but at home act like I've asked the world of them to do a little schoolwork or to clean up after themselves. My kids are spoiled. I own that. That's all relative though.

Remind yourself that we're not meant to be wearing all these hats. This is an unusual circumstance. I also liked the Spirited Child book. Also keep in mind that even if C is being a jerk now, it doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a jerk. I constantly tell myself that with M. Eventually I think some of these things will click with her. But she's on her own timeline. She's stubborn and until she's ready there's not going to be any progress.

This is exactly what I worry about. I see him with his friends bossing them around and bragging about how he knows everything and they are all in. But at some point they will realize he is bossy and full of shit. I want to fix some of that so he doesn't become that jerk. 

nam2013 we are beyond the point of reason here. His answers to these questions are calmly- its my couch, i can do what I want. Or you don't make the rules. He has zero respect for us as authority figures so that is where we need to get it together. 

Thank you for all of the advice. He doesn't blow up often so today was jolting. We went for a bike ride and talked but he won't apologize. He was sad that he hurt my feelings so there's that. A big part of this is him not being able to use all of his energy since I am working and can't play with him non-stop. 

[trtlcrzy]

I’m so/so on trampolines. I will not purchase one because I don’t want the liability/ it in my yard. But some friends have them and I’m fine with the girls jumping on them. We will be ordering our new swing set soon, which will be so nice to have as a place for the girls to get out energy. I just wish they weren’t all so dang ugly. Why do they all have to be green/yellow/blue?

[peachsmama]

Apr 14, 2020 13:44:16 GMT -6 mwhip said:

wedding you aren't failing. Each kid is different. Each family is different. The way we all discipline is different. What works in my house, wouldn't work in someone elses house.

And my kid is spoiled. She has 2 rooms full of shit and walks around complaining about being bored, asking when she gets a new toy, and playing on her tablet.

But she knows when she has crossed the line. Because when she gets disciplined, we stick to it...me more so than H even. It's usually her tablet that gets taken away (it's her favorite0, and it's gone. She can't use it. Either until the behavior has changed, or for a set time, like the rest of the day. It's a serious consequence in our house. She knows she has to keep her rooms picked up, or no new toys.

I do also threaten to tell her dad, which tends to straighten her up since he is less lenient than I am.

Yes to spoiled. And they complain non stop about wanting this and that

[wineallthetime]

Apr 14, 2020 12:53:28 GMT -6 wedding said:

wineallthetime, Did you see pictures? It sounds like an odd pick up line. "Hey, did you know I have a full sized trampoline in my bedroom?"...

Hahahaha! I did not but will say this guy was young (early 20's) and very....unique. I also am unsure if he was straight or gay but know 100% he was not hitting on me. I also know he lived with his parents in a very very wealthy area so I'm assuming his bedroom was not the type of bedroom I have had.

[flamingo]

Apr 14, 2020 12:30:48 GMT -6 inthekitty said:

I'm also team no trampoline (although I love going to the trampoline place), but would love a pool. I'm complex with where my mom anxiety chooses to spike.

The pool definitely causes me anxiety--probably more when we're NOT in it than when we are, oddly enough, and when we have friends over I am more on edge. If it was *our* pool I would definitely have a pool fence. 

[inthekitty]

I wanted to add that punishment is very hard now. They already can't go anywhere/spend time with friends so there's not a lot to take away. And taking some of what's left away really just punishes me and sets them up to misbehave again because then they're bored. We made Madison write sentences the other day. That was a winner because she hates writing but also the practice is good for her. Cass isn't there yet with her writing skills but I think I'll go back to her doing push-ups/sit-ups/squats.

[cagoldi]

Apr 14, 2020 15:18:11 GMT -6 peachsmama said:

Apr 14, 2020 13:44:16 GMT -6 mwhip said:

wedding you aren't failing. Each kid is different. Each family is different. The way we all discipline is different. What works in my house, wouldn't work in someone elses house.

And my kid is spoiled. She has 2 rooms full of shit and walks around complaining about being bored, asking when she gets a new toy, and playing on her tablet.

But she knows when she has crossed the line. Because when she gets disciplined, we stick to it...me more so than H even. It's usually her tablet that gets taken away (it's her favorite0, and it's gone. She can't use it. Either until the behavior has changed, or for a set time, like the rest of the day. It's a serious consequence in our house. She knows she has to keep her rooms picked up, or no new toys.

I do also threaten to tell her dad, which tends to straighten her up since he is less lenient than I am.

Yes to spoiled. And they complain non stop about wanting this and that

Every time I feel like Dude is starting to show some kind of heathen tendencies, I have a book for him to read about it.

Started when he was young with those Best Behavior series, now if there’s whining and general ingratitude we have to read about being thankful or filling buckets, etc. So far it’s subtle enough that he doesn’t notice but he does seem to improve.

I also see a marked decline in attitude when he watches trash TV. Like if he saw Spongebob that day instead of Wild Kratts or something, he’s going to be a pain, you can bet on it. Then I find myself telling him “I know you’re being playful and trying something out because you saw it on your show, but XYZ is not okay. If it keeps up we can’t watch that show anymore.” That usually helps. Natural consequences are the only way to go with him.

[wineallthetime]

Apr 14, 2020 13:47:53 GMT -6 mwhip said:

Apr 14, 2020 13:44:22 GMT -6 lahdeedah said:

I have been thinking a lot about getting a trampoline since all this started. I want a swing set, but so bulky and expensive. I stopped at Costco today after work for some things and they had a pretty impressive swing set there for a decent amount. If it looks like summer camps are off the table, I may just cave and buy it with the check my dad sent me.

I would approve of this purchase.  I'm so glad we have a nice swingset in our yard.  When it's nice, I send Evie out, she takes her tablet for music and can spend a lot of time out there.  I know she's safe because fenced yard.  

We got lucky and knew people getting rid of a big swing set for free. MH and his dad moved it, put it back together and then replaced some wood and restained. It's so nice because I can send C and L out and see them from the window. MH and I also love to go out there and just play with all the kids.

[peachsmama]

Apr 14, 2020 15:30:32 GMT -6 cagoldi said:

Apr 14, 2020 15:18:11 GMT -6 peachsmama said:

Yes to spoiled. And they complain non stop about wanting this and that

Every time I feel like Dude is starting to show some kind of heathen tendencies, I have a book for him to read about it.

Started when he was young with those Best Behavior series, now if there’s whining and general ingratitude we have to read about being thankful or filling buckets, etc. So far it’s subtle enough that he doesn’t notice but he does seem to improve.

I also see a marked decline in attitude when he watches trash TV. Like if he saw Spongebob that day instead of Wild Kratts or something, he’s going to be a pain, you can bet on it.

I googled poverty one day in a fit of rage at their greedy behavior and showed them the worst images to show how lucky they were. It stuck for a bit.. I should get books. Might be more humane..

[peachsmama]

Apr 14, 2020 15:06:29 GMT -6 wedding said:

Apr 14, 2020 14:57:36 GMT -6 inthekitty said:

wedding I'm laughing because I was about to write that my students are brats and I don't know who raised them to be like this but a parent-teacher conference is in order. The past few days my kids have been letting their horns come out and it's wearing on me. M and C (and Dude) seem similar in a lot of ways. M is an intense and challenging child. Both girls are usually good as gold for their teachers, but at home act like I've asked the world of them to do a little schoolwork or to clean up after themselves. My kids are spoiled. I own that. That's all relative though.

Remind yourself that we're not meant to be wearing all these hats. This is an unusual circumstance. I also liked the Spirited Child book. Also keep in mind that even if C is being a jerk now, it doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a jerk. I constantly tell myself that with M. Eventually I think some of these things will click with her. But she's on her own timeline. She's stubborn and until she's ready there's not going to be any progress.

This is exactly what I worry about. I see him with his friends bossing them around and bragging about how he knows everything and they are all in. But at some point they will realize he is bossy and full of shit. I want to fix some of that so he doesn't become that jerk. 

nam2013 we are beyond the point of reason here. His answers to these questions are calmly- its my couch, i can do what I want. Or you don't make the rules. He has zero respect for us as authority figures so that is where we need to get it together. 

Thank you for all of the advice. He doesn't blow up often so today was jolting. We went for a bike ride and talked but he won't apologize. He was sad that he hurt my feelings so there's that. A big part of this is him not being able to use all of his energy since I am working and can't play with him non-stop. 

I'm constantly doing to the boys what they do to others because they were not listening about "treat others how you want to be treated" mostly to J when he gets in peoples faces. Or M always tackling bigger kids. And both with being to rough on their sister. I worry about them being the jerky kid too..

[inthekitty]

Apr 14, 2020 15:33:17 GMT -6 peachsmama said:

Apr 14, 2020 15:30:32 GMT -6 cagoldi said:

Every time I feel like Dude is starting to show some kind of heathen tendencies, I have a book for him to read about it.

Started when he was young with those Best Behavior series, now if there’s whining and general ingratitude we have to read about being thankful or filling buckets, etc. So far it’s subtle enough that he doesn’t notice but he does seem to improve.

I also see a marked decline in attitude when he watches trash TV. Like if he saw Spongebob that day instead of Wild Kratts or something, he’s going to be a pain, you can bet on it.

I googled poverty one day in a fit of rage at their greedy behavior and showed them the worst images to show how lucky they were. It stuck for a bit.. I should get books. Might be more humane..

Lolz...you "There's starving kids in Africa"'ed your kids. I approve. (But you just became your mom.)

[peachsmama]

Apr 14, 2020 15:41:25 GMT -6 inthekitty said:

Apr 14, 2020 15:33:17 GMT -6 peachsmama said:

I googled poverty one day in a fit of rage at their greedy behavior and showed them the worst images to show how lucky they were. It stuck for a bit.. I should get books. Might be more humane..

Lolz...you "There's starving kids in Africa"'ed your kids. I approve. (But you just became your mom.)

Pretty much. It was right after Christmas and M spouted off about how he didn't get enough toys and I lost it a little. I was so angry. I was ready to give everything away.

[lahdeedah]

Apr 14, 2020 15:06:29 GMT -6 wedding said:

Apr 14, 2020 14:57:36 GMT -6 inthekitty said:

wedding I'm laughing because I was about to write that my students are brats and I don't know who raised them to be like this but a parent-teacher conference is in order. The past few days my kids have been letting their horns come out and it's wearing on me. M and C (and Dude) seem similar in a lot of ways. M is an intense and challenging child. Both girls are usually good as gold for their teachers, but at home act like I've asked the world of them to do a little schoolwork or to clean up after themselves. My kids are spoiled. I own that. That's all relative though.

Remind yourself that we're not meant to be wearing all these hats. This is an unusual circumstance. I also liked the Spirited Child book. Also keep in mind that even if C is being a jerk now, it doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a jerk. I constantly tell myself that with M. Eventually I think some of these things will click with her. But she's on her own timeline. She's stubborn and until she's ready there's not going to be any progress.

This is exactly what I worry about. I see him with his friends bossing them around and bragging about how he knows everything and they are all in. But at some point they will realize he is bossy and full of shit. I want to fix some of that so he doesn't become that jerk. 

nam2013 we are beyond the point of reason here. His answers to these questions are calmly- its my couch, i can do what I want. Or you don't make the rules. He has zero respect for us as authority figures so that is where we need to get it together. 

Thank you for all of the advice. He doesn't blow up often so today was jolting. We went for a bike ride and talked but he won't apologize. He was sad that he hurt my feelings so there's that. A big part of this is him not being able to use all of his energy since I am working and can't play with him non-stop. 

Does he do any of the go noodle YouTube videos? Maybe a YouTube music video playlist so he can dance off some energy. My boys love to dance and move to songs on YouTube.

Just trying to think of some things that could help burn that energy.

Maybe some type of obstacle course challenge in the yard? Well, that may require you to do it with him.

[flamingo]

Apr 14, 2020 15:30:32 GMT -6 cagoldi said:

Apr 14, 2020 15:18:11 GMT -6 peachsmama said:

Yes to spoiled. And they complain non stop about wanting this and that

I also see a marked decline in attitude when he watches trash TV. 

Since we cut out Youtube we have seen a big improvement in both kids. I would have always said my kids are generally well-behaved but we were starting to see some tantrum-y behavior with C and B was a bit sassier/sarcastic, more argumentative than normal, etc. 

After the first couple days, they pretty much stopped asking for it, the tantrums have ceased, and B is back to his sweet-natured self. 

I don't think it's a coincidence at all. 

[flamingo]

wedding I think it's good you're acknowledging changes need to be made. He learned today that if he's destructive enough, you'll back down and he gets what he wants...sounds like that's not what you want. If he puts a hole in the door or breaks furniture, oh well...he gets to take some money out of his piggy bank to replace/repair it.

Admittedly I am old-school and I tend to be a 'fixer', so feel free to stop reading, but this is what I would do: First thing's first, I think you and your H have to present a united front. I would set aside time for you two to sit down and hammer out expectations, consequences you can consistently enforce, etc. You guys are a team and the leaders of the house. Then I'd sit down and have a family meeting; tell C you're going to do some things differently from now on in the name of helping him learn to be a good teammate in your household. Lay out your expectations for his behavior and what he can expect if he screws up. You're giving him a chance to buy in when he's calm and the stakes are low. Then, it's a matter of enforcing things, and sticking to your guns. Right now he knows he can play you guys to an extent, and he probably thinks he's the boss of the household as a result. IME, I think kids who are very strong-willed and want to lead *need* strong leadership themselves, and ultimately will respect strong leaders (mom and dad) if they know their place in the pecking order, so to speak.

IMO It's worth fighting this battle now to get him on a better track; it will probably make your household much more peaceful and happy in the long run. And fwiw, I hope this advice doesn't seem like I'm judging you; I think it says a lot that you're willing to put yourself out there in the name of helping your kiddo.