Minerva
Ruby
Posts: 15,381 Likes: 67,036
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Post by Minerva on Sept 11, 2018 11:31:53 GMT -6
Yikes, hawkward ! DD is mad her weekend plans are canceled, but I don’t think we’re getting much. How do you feel about your housing situation? Need to come south? We're in an area that's built up high enough to not even have a Evac Zone. I think we're safe unless there's a dramatic shift. They've ordered zone A to evacuate from base, but we're a good 5 miles and 20 feet higher than that area. That’s good to hear. Stay safe!
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 11:32:51 GMT -6
Post by chickenonsunday on Sept 11, 2018 11:32:51 GMT -6
Canceling our weekend plans for a trip to the Biltmore. Thanks Flo for running everything. Lesson learned to always get trip insurance. Boo. Not cool Flo. Can you reschedule instead? The Chihuly exhibit is only there until October 7th. I do want to try and reschedule but waiting on our friends to tell us what weekend will work for them.
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Minerva
Ruby
Posts: 15,381 Likes: 67,036
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Post by Minerva on Sept 11, 2018 11:37:54 GMT -6
Boo. Not cool Flo. Can you reschedule instead? The Chihuly exhibit is only there until October 7th. I do want to try and reschedule but waiting on our friends to tell us what weekend will work for them. I hope you can reschedule! I didn’t know there was a Chiluly exhibit there right now. I love his sculpture. We’ve been meaning to do a weekend trip up to really enjoy the inner harbor- maybe it will have to happen this month.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 11:39:50 GMT -6
Post by fikafairy on Sept 11, 2018 11:39:50 GMT -6
This is exactly it. He can't manage his time at work to leave early enough to pick up our son on time, and then always calls me to fix it at the last minute. It got so bad for a while that I would just start rearranging my work schedule because I knew the call was coming, then I started making him do drop-off instead. I still usually wind up being the one to get DS up and ready on time bc H hits the snooze button in avoidance of the 3rd job in 5 years that he doesn't like and hates being at. I'm fully supportive of him finding something that's a better fit as long as he has an income since we need it, but it's now a pattern and he keeps doing the same thing. Sometimes it's "I hate what I do" and sometimes it's "I hate where I'm working" and sometimes it's both. I think it's more of both where he is now, but then he started putting feelers out for the SAME ROLE IN A SIMILAR COMPANY. Again. Then he got all shocked when I asked him to consider what this would look like long-term for his career, since he's in the middle of an MBA program. It's like he doesn't learn from things, does the same thing again, then gets all "woe is me and I can't win" whenever shit happens. What do you mean that he can't manage his time at work to get off. Does this mean he doesn't have a set schedule? Is he goofing off at work. I would just stop coming to his rescue. When he calls to say he can't leave you say well I can't either you will either have to find someone who can or pay the fine. It's always "something came up last minute" - and what's worse is he has a flexible schedule. He just doesn't use it - it's a time management issue 98% of the time. I have told him that before, and made him go get him late and then what usually happens is he turns it around on me like "well why couldn't you do it" or something like that. Or he starts up the "woe is me I can't do anything right" shtick. Our backup is my mom or my dad, but where my parents live is not necessarily conducive to a last minute panic unless it's actually an actual emergency. Plus this would happen 3-4 times a week, honestly. I don't want to get stuck on either that it's around pick-up - this is one example of the ways that he can't manage things. It permeates into housework, cleaning, paperwork stuff for DS, his own grad school stuff. I started trying to help him get organized by creating a list of things I needed for him to do around the house over the summer. It's still unchecked, and I'm willing to bet he has no idea where it is.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 11:42:48 GMT -6
Post by fikafairy on Sept 11, 2018 11:42:48 GMT -6
I think my biggest issue is that when I ask him for help with specific things, after I continually find ways to support him whenever he needs it, he STILL can't manage to make it happen. Yet half the time he turns around and always offers our neighbors help with things.
The worst part is I don't think it's consciously malicious on his end, he is just oblivious and doesn't seem to internalize anything I tell him or ask him no matter how many times.
Sorry to unload on everyone here, it's been building up for MONTHS and it's reaching a breaking point. I'm starting to resent that I feel like I'm dragging him along in our life, and I don't want to do that.
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,638 Likes: 123,092
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 11:44:32 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by hawkward on Sept 11, 2018 11:44:32 GMT -6
DS1's school has already been called off for the weather because some kids' families in the district are under mandatory evac orders. H is supposed to be straightening things up today and then off for the rest of the week and probably all of next week too. His coworkers are predicting their office goes under at least four feet of water. One of the first things DS1 said when I told him last night was that his old classmates would be insanely jealous. They've been in school for a month now and he's only gone four days and will probably have 1-2 weeks off. I believe my best friend is on your base and they got mandatory evac orders, so she flew alone to Chicago this morning with her 3 month old and 2 year old. Her H has been at work for 48 hours and she hasn't been able to get ahold of him because he's been so busy, I guess. I've been so worried for her and I'm glad she got out, but I can tell how anxious she is about her H still being there. The whole thing seems so scary. I’m glad she’s well clear of everything if she’s in the mando area. H helped place some barriers around his office and then was sent home since he’s not mission essential. The info we’re getting right now changes so often that if the boys were younger or we were lower lying, I’d be getting the hell out immediately too.
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kmkd
Amethyst
Posts: 6,897 Likes: 28,678
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Post by kmkd on Sept 11, 2018 11:47:15 GMT -6
DS1 did great at drop off and loved his first day of school. I met a bunch of parents and was only slightly awkward. All in all, a successful morning.
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Minerva
Ruby
Posts: 15,381 Likes: 67,036
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Post by Minerva on Sept 11, 2018 11:53:15 GMT -6
fikafairy, I’m sorry. That sounds incredibly stressful and overwhelming. Are you in individual counseling to help process your own feelings on all of this and figure out coping mechanisms? I agree with others that ultimately you can’t be responsible for his time management and mental well-being - he has to do the heavy lifting there. You can protect yourself and your son emotionally and logistically, though, by setting up your family life in ways that make things easier for you and don’t rely on him.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 11:53:57 GMT -6
Post by angelashly on Sept 11, 2018 11:53:57 GMT -6
fikafairy, I completely understand. I am the default parent and sometimes adult in my house. SO is getting better because his work is getting better, but it is hard. It honestly sounds like your husband has some issues and I will say that if you want to keep the marriage then something has to give and I don't know what that is if letting things fall through the cracks for him is not the way. i am sorry you are going through this and I hope that you can come to a decision because resentment is not good at all and it may get to a point that there is no way to come back from it.
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chickie
Platinum
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 11:54:21 GMT -6
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Post by chickie on Sept 11, 2018 11:54:21 GMT -6
On a really light note, I got the Ms. Myers pumpkin scent cleaner and my house smells like fall exploded in it. If only it weren’t still 90* outside....
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 11:54:58 GMT -6
Post by angelashly on Sept 11, 2018 11:54:58 GMT -6
fikafairy , I’m sorry. That sounds incredibly stressful and overwhelming. Are you in individual counseling to help process your own feelings on all of this and figure out coping mechanisms? I agree with others that ultimately you can’t be responsible for his time management and mental well-being - he has to do the heavy lifting there. You can protect yourself and your son emotionally and logistically, though, by setting up your family life in ways that make things easier for you and don’t rely on him. I was with you until this part because this isn't going to help their situation it is just going to play into it more and cause more resentment.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 11:55:16 GMT -6
Post by calendula on Sept 11, 2018 11:55:16 GMT -6
fikafairy, you don't know me, so feel free to ignore. But I just want to tell you its OK if you want to be done with his shit. You don't owe anyone an apology for that and you aren't responsible for psychoanalyzing his behavior or finding someone who can. You're a grown woman, a capable parent, and a responsible spouse and you're allowed to want the same in your partner. Women are allowed to want husbands that aren't man-children. Sometimes marital issues are about communication and expectations and giving each other the space to fix our issues. But sometimes people men are shitty at being adults and I just don't think its ever their wives' responsibility to fix that. I don't have any specific advice for what you should do...not knowing you and all...but just wanted to be a small voice to say its OK that you're feeling the way you are, and don't let him gaslight you into thinking its your problem for being a "nag" or responsible for his moping around the house.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 12:08:15 GMT -6
Post by fikafairy on Sept 11, 2018 12:08:15 GMT -6
fikafairy , you don't know me, so feel free to ignore. But I just want to tell you its OK if you want to be done with his shit. You don't owe anyone an apology for that and you aren't responsible for psychoanalyzing his behavior or finding someone who can. You're a grown woman, a capable parent, and a responsible spouse and you're allowed to want the same in your partner. Women are allowed to want husbands that aren't man-children. Sometimes marital issues are about communication and expectations and giving each other the space to fix our issues. But sometimes people men are shitty at being adults and I just don't think its ever their wives' responsibility to fix that. I don't have any specific advice for what you should do...not knowing you and all...but just wanted to be a small voice to say its OK that you're feeling the way you are, and don't let him gaslight you into thinking its your problem for being a "nag" or responsible for his moping around the house. Thanks. I keep telling myself that if one of my friends told me all this, I would tell her to GFTO and get an actual partner, not a man-child. It's hard to put my hesitation to do that into actual words, but I think because I realize some of his struggles are resulting from the HORRIBLE loss we had of DD, that maybe he just needs something more to help him move forward, and since I know exactly what that pain and grief is like I understand to a point. But I can't pull all of it together all on my own, all of the time. Last week I had the thought (after another issue happened) that "I'm doing everything on my own essentially as a single parent anyway, would it be so bad if I was?" I just know I'm not ready to call it yet, even though I would be 100% competent and fine. In some ways many things would be a lot better, but in some ways the thought is terrifying. I also can't wait forever for him to pull himself together because it's affecting me and affecting our DS in negative ways, so.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 12:12:28 GMT -6
Post by Rusty Red on Sept 11, 2018 12:12:28 GMT -6
On a really light note, I got the Ms. Myers pumpkin scent cleaner and my house smells like fall exploded in it. If only it weren’t still 90* outside.... I found an LE Glade plug in at the store that is pumpkin caramel and I think vanilla. My house smells delicious. Downside: It's plugged into my bedroom and makes me hungry when I try to sleep.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,183 Likes: 296,687
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 12:26:24 GMT -6
Post by McBenny on Sept 11, 2018 12:26:24 GMT -6
Good morning, the toddler managed to lock the baby's bedroom door and then shut it. Good news is the baby wasn't inside so we have that going for us. H will be breaking a screen to crawl inside on his lunch. What kind of door knob is it? Most household doorknobs have a way to get in don't they?
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gussie
Amethyst
Posts: 6,331 Likes: 18,769
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 12:28:17 GMT -6
Post by gussie on Sept 11, 2018 12:28:17 GMT -6
piratecat First, the doctor was called into an emergency at the hospital so I had to wait 25 minutes in the exam room, then she came back, but had to leave again as she was paged, then the nurses came in and gave the shots, and then I got ready to go and the doctor came back so I actually got to ask my questions/get his prescription refills sent. It was quite a mess with a fussy baby who had to miss nap! I've had appointments like this before. The pedi has actually gotten a lot better in the last year or so but typically we had well checks last 1.5-2 hours because of so much waiting around. I thought it was normal until they added a few more doctors and it got faster.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,183 Likes: 296,687
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 12:29:18 GMT -6
Post by McBenny on Sept 11, 2018 12:29:18 GMT -6
I think my biggest struggle is that over time, me proving “support” turns into him relying on me for everything and then him having meltdowns when things don’t happen the way he wants them to. Like he talked about looking for a new job again yesterday, but won’t own his part in not even trying where he’s at. I’m in between work meetings so I can’t get too far into detail ATM but it’s not just things that he doesn’t manage. He turns to me for help with everything, and then whenever I need help with something, I don’t get it in return at all. he sounds like he is struggling mentally.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 12:29:51 GMT -6
Post by fikafairy on Sept 11, 2018 12:29:51 GMT -6
fikafairy , I’m sorry. That sounds incredibly stressful and overwhelming. Are you in individual counseling to help process your own feelings on all of this and figure out coping mechanisms? I agree with others that ultimately you can’t be responsible for his time management and mental well-being - he has to do the heavy lifting there. You can protect yourself and your son emotionally and logistically, though, by setting up your family life in ways that make things easier for you and don’t rely on him. I was with you until this part because this isn't going to help their situation it is just going to play into it more and cause more resentment. To answer both of you, no I'm not in counseling - I should be but honestly have no time. I started trying to take a yoga class a few times a week after work, but all these pickup issues got in the way of that. I actually AM a counselor... so sometimes I try to think I can talk myself through things, even I know that's not enough. And yes, I have tried to set up a number of things logistically to make things easier for me that don't rely on him already, and that is probably contributing to it. That's where a lot of my unloading is coming from, I have ALREADY changed so many things and rearranged and done mental gymnastics to make things work because I know my H won't do it, and I won't let me DS suffer as a result. Thanks everyone for the ear today. I have made it pretty clear a couple of times in this past year that I need him to step up and participate as an adult more often, and this week I made clear to him that if this continues, things will change. I can't continue to let things slide and happen and make excuses, because even though I want him to be the one to give me what I need as a partner and a husband, if he can't or won't do it then I won't be hanging around waiting for it.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 12:32:19 GMT -6
Post by calendula on Sept 11, 2018 12:32:19 GMT -6
fikafairy , you don't know me, so feel free to ignore. But I just want to tell you its OK if you want to be done with his shit. You don't owe anyone an apology for that and you aren't responsible for psychoanalyzing his behavior or finding someone who can. You're a grown woman, a capable parent, and a responsible spouse and you're allowed to want the same in your partner. Women are allowed to want husbands that aren't man-children. Sometimes marital issues are about communication and expectations and giving each other the space to fix our issues. But sometimes people men are shitty at being adults and I just don't think its ever their wives' responsibility to fix that. I don't have any specific advice for what you should do...not knowing you and all...but just wanted to be a small voice to say its OK that you're feeling the way you are, and don't let him gaslight you into thinking its your problem for being a "nag" or responsible for his moping around the house. Thanks. I keep telling myself that if one of my friends told me all this, I would tell her to GFTO and get an actual partner, not a man-child. It's hard to put my hesitation to do that into actual words, but I think because I realize some of his struggles are resulting from the HORRIBLE loss we had of DD, that maybe he just needs something more to help him move forward, and since I know exactly what that pain and grief is like I understand to a point. But I can't pull all of it together all on my own, all of the time. Last week I had the thought (after another issue happened) that "I'm doing everything on my own essentially as a single parent anyway, would it be so bad if I was?" I just know I'm not ready to call it yet, even though I would be 100% competent and fine. In some ways many things would be a lot better, but in some ways the thought is terrifying. I also can't wait forever for him to pull himself together because it's affecting me and affecting our DS in negative ways, so. I understand. It is a hard balance to be compassionate towards those we love while still asserting our right not to suffer the consequences of others' behavior. Good luck to you.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 12:33:31 GMT -6
Post by fikafairy on Sept 11, 2018 12:33:31 GMT -6
I think my biggest struggle is that over time, me proving “support” turns into him relying on me for everything and then him having meltdowns when things don’t happen the way he wants them to. Like he talked about looking for a new job again yesterday, but won’t own his part in not even trying where he’s at. I’m in between work meetings so I can’t get too far into detail ATM but it’s not just things that he doesn’t manage. He turns to me for help with everything, and then whenever I need help with something, I don’t get it in return at all. he sounds like he is struggling mentally.
I know that's definitely some of it. We both have been dealing with depression and anxiety issues since DD passed away, he's just not handling it well.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 12:53:17 GMT -6
Post by veganontuesdays on Sept 11, 2018 12:53:17 GMT -6
Good morning, the toddler managed to lock the baby's bedroom door and then shut it. Good news is the baby wasn't inside so we have that going for us. H will be breaking a screen to crawl inside on his lunch. What kind of door knob is it? Most household doorknobs have a way to get in don't they? It's not the typical one with the hole that you can pop. It's similar to this one (but from the stone ages). So a push lock and then an actual key mechanism to unlock from the outside.
Looks like I will be headed to the store to get me a normal ole door knob
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 13:01:46 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by goldenbird on Sept 11, 2018 13:01:46 GMT -6
I’m watching shameless again today. At this rate I should have it finished up by the weekend. 😂 I'm watching it too lol
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Pistol
Diamond
Posts: 28,064 Likes: 62,420
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 13:10:02 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by Pistol on Sept 11, 2018 13:10:02 GMT -6
I’m watching shameless again today. At this rate I should have it finished up by the weekend. 😂 I'm watching it too lol I just started season 5! If I can’t sleep again tonight then I’ll probably hit season 6 by the end of tomorrow.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 13:11:37 GMT -6
Post by CurlieWhirlie on Sept 11, 2018 13:11:37 GMT -6
fikafairy , that sounds really difficult and I’m sorry you’re going through that. In my experience, relationships start to deteriorate when one person feels like they have to parent the other (or the other person feels unnecessarily parented). Maybe that’s some of what you’re experiencing right now? I just don’t think your husband needs to “own not trying” at his job to you — if it’s a bad fit, it’s a bad fit — but then again, I’m an outsider looking in. This is exactly it. He can't manage his time at work to leave early enough to pick up our son on time, and then always calls me to fix it at the last minute. It got so bad for a while that I would just start rearranging my work schedule because I knew the call was coming, then I started making him do drop-off instead. I still usually wind up being the one to get DS up and ready on time bc H hits the snooze button in avoidance of the 3rd job in 5 years that he doesn't like and hates being at. I'm fully supportive of him finding something that's a better fit as long as he has an income since we need it, but it's now a pattern and he keeps doing the same thing. Sometimes it's "I hate what I do" and sometimes it's "I hate where I'm working" and sometimes it's both. I think it's more of both where he is now, but then he started putting feelers out for the SAME ROLE IN A SIMILAR COMPANY. Again. Then he got all shocked when I asked him to consider what this would look like long-term for his career, since he's in the middle of an MBA program. It's like he doesn't learn from things, does the same thing again, then gets all "woe is me and I can't win" whenever shit happens. I haven't read any further than this so forgive me if this has been addressed, but is he depressed? These sound like some red flags. ETA: I see this has been addressed. I really feel for you, fikafairy. This sounds like a no-win situation for you, when you are struggling yourself and really need a partner to lean on. Have you thought about looking for a support group, rather than individual counseling? Maybe something you could go to together?
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 13:38:45 GMT -6
Post by fikafairy on Sept 11, 2018 13:38:45 GMT -6
I haven't read any further than this so forgive me if this has been addressed, but is he depressed? These sound like some red flags. ETA: I see this has been addressed. I really feel for you, fikafairy . This sounds like a no-win situation for you, when you are struggling yourself and really need a partner to lean on. Have you thought about looking for a support group, rather than individual counseling? Maybe something you could go to together? There aren't many offered in this area, at least not at times where we can actually go. The only one in the area is at the hospital she was delivered at, and we won't go back there (host of reasons why, including the PTSD factor. the loss was traumatic, unexpected, and there are things up in the air that are being resolved by a third party as well).
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trueblue
Sapphire
Posts: 4,519 Likes: 16,294
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 13:51:45 GMT -6
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Post by trueblue on Sept 11, 2018 13:51:45 GMT -6
fikafairy is there a chapter of compassionate friends near you? You might be able to find support there. H sounds like he is deep into a semi functional depression. I understand you are tired of being the caretaker but I would schedule him a dr appt and go with him to keep the discussion accurately on point so he can get in, or change to, an antidepressant that can help him. I am sorry for the path you are walking.
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 13:58:01 GMT -6
Post by fikafairy on Sept 11, 2018 13:58:01 GMT -6
trueblue, I had never even heard of compassionate friends. I found one about 9 miles from us - the only tricky part will be coordinating care for DS, but that might not be that difficult depending on when the meetings happen. thanks!
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trueblue
Sapphire
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Tuesday
Sept 11, 2018 14:34:42 GMT -6
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Post by trueblue on Sept 11, 2018 14:34:42 GMT -6
trueblue, I had never even heard of compassionate friends. I found one about 9 miles from us - the only tricky part will be coordinating care for DS, but that might not be that difficult depending on when the meetings happen. thanks! ❤️
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Post by nevertoomanyshoes on Sept 11, 2018 15:53:55 GMT -6
fikafairy I’m sorry, that is rough. Definitely sounds like counselling alone isn’t helping YH manage his mental health. Does he think that because it’s in relation to the terrible loss you experienced that he doesn’t need meds (a common misconception I see often, usually in men, that meds are “for people who are depressed for no reason”)? YH sounds a little like my SIL and her H. Part of it is the way they view the world (the old external locus of control- the world is happening to me view) they aren’t the sort of people who will do things to improve their circumstances, they just wait until someone or something does it for them, even when they aren’t in a bad place mental health wise. When they are in a bad place mental health wise, there is nothing that we can do to help them, they just wallow until it gets to almost breaking (eg. SIL was about to lose her job). It is exhausting and frustrating and I can’t even imagine how hard that is for you as well as dealing with your own feelings around the loss of your DD.
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Post by fikafairy on Sept 11, 2018 15:59:27 GMT -6
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