When was enough, enough?

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2018 15:45:14 GMT -6 @grumpychat said:

@gentleapricot, I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this.

Quick question and you can tell me to fuck off, but do you correct your mom when she’s with DD? Or when S does something, do you say, “great job” or “great, but...?”

I’ve had to learn to stop myself from trying to inflict my way on everyone.

I don't think so especially not with S. She's literally the only thing in my life that makes me feel unconditionally normal/happy.

My mom? Probably, but if I do I won't say it. The thought itself is still not okay though.

[Uncaripswife]

I'm full of self-criticism too. (I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't deserve this promotion, I'm not smart enough, etc. etc.) One thing that clicked for me was when a therapist asked me if I would ever say to my daughter the things I say to myself. And of course I would never be so cruel to her. The therapist was constantly reminding me that I deserved kindness, especially from myself.

[Deleted]

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and commiserating with me. I thought what I go through on a daily basis was normal but I'm starting to realize that it doesn't have to be this way. I've never put words to it before but talking through it and recognizing what I'm going through has given me no choice but to take the steps necessary to adress it. Thank you again.

[Deleted]

@gentleapricot, when I was single with DD, she became my entire life. Her mood would direct my entire day. And if she was off, so was I. I’m not implying that you’re doing the same and being pretty much the only parent to a child makes it very difficult to separate into separate entities.

I’m not going to tell you to make time for yourself, bc I fully realize it’s hard and may not be your first choice. For me, I didn’t really start to come out of my shell until DD was school aged and started having her own life.

I also put a lot of pressure on myself bc I was the only source of $ support for my kid. My two goals were to buy a house and put her through college. Doing both has been a huge source of pride for me. I know that sounds really, really stupid.

My parents were also super-protective of me and I was my mom’s world, so that’s how I knew to parent. Took many years and tears to find a happy medium.

I apologize for not saying this very eloquently.

[Deleted]

@gentleapricot, are you an only child?

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2018 16:03:34 GMT -6 @gentleapricot said:

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and commiserating with me. I thought what I go through on a daily basis was normal but I'm starting to realize that it doesn't have to be this way. I've never put words to it before but talking through it and recognizing what I'm going through has given me no choice but to take the steps necessary to adress it. Thank you again.

you are very strong and self aware. Recognizing that there might be other ways of thinking and feeling is the first step in any self improvement effort.  Take some time to look at your mindset, your feelings, your relationships, and your behaviors and evaluate what is serving you well and what is not serving you well.  If you find anything that fits in the "not serving you well" category, see what you do to make changes - it may be therapy, it may be a new hobby, it may be releasing feelings or people from your life. Take it one step at a time.

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2018 16:09:09 GMT -6 @grumpychat said:

@gentleapricot, are you an only child?

I have a biological brother and a step sister. My parents got divorced when I was around 6 or so and my brother left to go live with my das about 2 years later. I am the black sheep for sure. My mother has always done well but we lived modestly. My brother and sister grew up in a house on a golf course, college paid for, etc. I didn't reap the same benefits since I decided to stay with my mother.

I understanding everything you are saying about being the sole caregiver to a child and I absolutley agree that I need to find some separation. I very much agree with that. I just feel this exceptional "burden" because I am literally her only parent. It's a tough line to walk.

[Deleted]

@gentleapricot, I am an only child and felt a lot of pressure growing up bc I knew my mom’s sense of fulfillment rode on me. I tried damned hard not to put DD into that situation, but when it was just the two of us, it was hard not to have all of my focus on her. I mean, what the hell else was there to do? Lol

And this is the one and only time I will ever publicly admit this. We were so tight that it left my ex always feeling on the outside and like he wasn’t an equal parent. I secretly loved that she’d come to me for everything, but in hindsight, I seriously fucked up.

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2018 16:28:23 GMT -6 @grumpychat said:

@gentleapricot, I am an only child and felt a lot of pressure growing up bc I knew my mom’s sense of fulfillment rode on me. I tried damned hard not to put DD into that situation, but when it was just the two of us, it was hard not to have all of my focus on her. I mean, what the hell else was there to do? Lol

And this is the one and only time I will ever publicly admit this. We were so tight that it left my ex always feeling on the outside and like he wasn’t an equal parent. I secretly loved that she’d come to me for everything, but in hindsight, I seriously fucked up.

This is a whole other layer to this that I'm not sure I'll be able to tackle today but I am really trying to think through if I'm being fair. Don't get me wrong, her dad is a hot piece of shit but I don't know if I was adding fuel to the fire.

[Deleted]

@gentleapricot

So, here is a simplified example of how self-defeating beliefs can manifest into thoughts based on what you just wrote (not to pick on you, just to give an example relating to you)

Self defeating thoughts: "I'm her only parent, so I have to be perfect all the time" or "I can't believe I made that mistake with S the other day. I HAVE to be better than that"

Healthy/positive thoughts: "I'm her only parent and look at how well I'm doing on my own" or "I'm really good at utilizing my village to make sure S has all the love and attention she needs, I'm creating a great life for her" or "I try my best every day and that's what S will see when she looks at me as a parent"

[Deleted]

@gentleapricot, when you’re ready, I’ll gladly share the story of DD’s bio dad with you. I struggled very hard with this one.

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2018 16:33:30 GMT -6 @juliagulia said:

@gentleapricot

So, here is a simplified example of how self-defeating beliefs can manifest into thoughts based on what you just wrote (not to pick on you, just to give an example relating to you)

Self defeating thoughts: "I'm her only parent, so I have to be perfect all the time" or "I can't believe I made that mistake with S the other day. I HAVE to be better than that"

Healthy/positive thoughts: "I'm her only parent and look at how well I'm doing on my own" or "I'm really good at utilizing my village to make sure S has all the love and attention she needs, I'm creating a great life for her" or "I try my best every day and that's what S will see when she looks at me as a parent"

I'm so glad you pointed this out because sometimes I don't even realize it.

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2018 16:34:28 GMT -6 @grumpychat said:

@gentleapricot, when you’re ready, I’ll gladly share the story of DD’s bio dad with you. I struggled very hard with this one.

Soon, but not today. I'll need wine and probably garage.

[Deleted]

Apr 4, 2018 16:41:46 GMT -6 @gentleapricot said:

Apr 4, 2018 16:34:28 GMT -6 @grumpychat said:

@gentleapricot , when you’re ready, I’ll gladly share the story of DD’s bio dad with you. I struggled very hard with this one.

Soon, but not today. I'll need wine and probably garage.

I have both and can share. 

[rubysue]

Apr 4, 2018 8:51:57 GMT -6 Pizzaslut said:

I brought it up at my last physical that I was short-tempered (I will be honest and say that I probably down-played it to her). She wanted to get bloodwork to make sure my levels were okay and then she mentioned Lexipro or Zoloft. As soon as I have this baby, I will be asking to try one of those. On more than one occasion, I have screamed at DS (who is 2.5). From the outside, I can only imagine how that looks. I wanted to die each time I have done it. So, screaming at a toddler was enough for me.

I’m a million hours late, but I commiserate with this so much. Short tempered is an understatement. My anxiety/depression manifests in rage. At my kids, MH, my dogs, myself. I’m so ashamed of how many times my family has heard me straight up scream. I’ve had to walk away from DD because I’ve been scared of how angry I was in the moment and didn’t know if I could control myself.

I’ve been on medication and in therapy previously, but not currently. It helps so much. I’ve been in control and managing my triggers on my own for over a year. It’s gotten bad again recently. I need to call, but I haven’t been able to. It’s on my to do list every day and somehow I just conveniently don’t get to it.

[rubysue]

Big hugs, @gentleapricot. You’ve gotten great advice.

[Minerva]

@gentleapricot, I just want to give you a hug. I had very similar negative thoughts before I started an SSRI and they absolutely held me back both professionally and from taking care of my health. They slowed way down with a low dose of Prozac and now when I catch myself spiraling, I can stop and refocus on my strengths.

[Pizzaslut]

rubysue, thank you for sharing. I feel ashamed of the rage. It's exactly how my anxiety manifests. I don't have anxiety attacks, I just have anger.

[AnnPerkins]

@gentleapricot, I hope you are able to find your peace soon through whatever means is best for you. You deserve happiness. It was very brave of you to start this thread.

I'd really like to thank you as well. I've been doing some serious self assessment since you posted this, and think it may be time for me to talk to my own doctor again. I'm not at the place I was after Ds was born, but I'm noticing the little things pile up again like they did before I got there. I had kind of been ignoring it because...I just thought I could do better this time around. But no one should feel ashamed for seeking help. It is not a means of giving up, it's the opposite. You are trying to better yourself so that you can face the world as the best version of you. So, honestly, truly, sincerly, thank you.

[sheilathetank]

Apr 4, 2018 18:50:25 GMT -6 Pizzaslut said:

rubysue , thank you for sharing. I feel ashamed of the rage. It's exactly how my anxiety manifests. I don't have anxiety attacks, I just have anger.

Please don't feel ashamed of it. One of the most helpful things my therapist told me is that there will be days when you get angry and you yell, but it's recognizing your triggers and progressively working on trying to make things better that is important. Focusing on what has been only leads to more anxiety which leads to more rage. It's a vicious cycle. So instead, take a step back and try to identify what caused you to yell and what you can do differently in the future. It doesn't always work, but it helps. 

[jsgrl]

Another thing.... I did a lot of talking myself out of my anxiety and depression. Like, "I'm not unhappy! I have no reason to be unhappy. I have a good job that I like, great friends, a good marriage, a lovely son, a family who would do anything for me, all the things I need, most of what I want. There's no reason to feel this way, I'm just being dumb."

But still I felt miserable.

I also found that giving voice to it, talking to trusted people about it (in my case some amazing friends), helped me get help.

[Deleted]

I was originally diagnosed with anxiety/panic and depression as a teenager so I already knew I was prone.... but I was in denial for far too long after having my kids (with DS, the stress of how he was as a newborn, of BFing, etc), it especially peaked after having my second... not really due to her, but the difficulties with DS' behavior since she was born.

Anyway... I should have gotten help a long time ago, but when I started having real desires to lash out physically towards DS is when I went straight to the doctor for immediate meds. ((to be extra clear -- desires only to hurt him when he was tantruming or extra defiant, etc, that I resisted and forced myself to walk away from... but did not want that desire to grow into reality)). It's hard for me to admit having those thoughts but there it is.

Was given lexapro right away which did help take the edge off but also led to me gaining 15 pounds. Switched to Effexor, but the dose the regular doc gave me was not high enough I eventually found out, which is why I sort of relapsed and started having panic attacks. Now I am under the care of a psychiatrist (would have been my first choice but on my old insurance was $$$$$$), and she has me on the perfect dose of Effexor XR

150mg of Effexor XR daily has led to me feeling the most free and happy I have ever felt. The anxiety is dialed way back... I'm facing my life and stress so much more calm. My motivation is back. I kick myself for waiting.

Moral of the story is, never wait to get help... you can and will feel better when you get the help you need.

[digupherbones]

Apr 3, 2018 20:19:58 GMT -6 McBenny said:

My standard work answer is when it affects your activities of daily living.

Such as personal grooming, preparing meals, household chores, social interactions, shopping, managing finances, completing tasks, concentration, handling stress, sleeping, eating, sex libido etc.

This.  

I was was only getting out of bed to feed my kid.  I lost so much weight people didn’t recognize me.  I drank every night.  When I did manage to get up, it was to go out and I behaved totally erratic.  Two nurses I work with finally said “You can’t go on like this.”  I made an appointment with my doctor to get medication and an appointment with employee assistance program.  

[kitchen]

This thread has been very eye opening for me. I appreciate all of the truth shared here.

Forgive me if this is a really really silly question, but do I go to my primary care doc? If I email and say "oh hey that PPA that I had after my second kid, I think I have that again only it's not after a kid this time (well it's almost 18 months after)" will they make me come in and see them or just send me to a therapist/prescribe meds? (probably case dependent, so I guess there's no answer there)

I'm stuck in a spiral about how hard it is to reach out and how they're just going to tell me I need to exercise and lose weight if I go to the doctor so I don't go or call. I know I'm stuck and need help, I just. It's hard. If i can do it via email it will be way easier.

[jsgrl]

kitchen, I had those exact same fears. Like exact. I was afraid the doctor would just say "get more exercise, get healthier, lose weight." Mine did not.

I started with my primary care doc. He was very helpful, and treated my mental health concerns as just that. And the pcp can also help direct you from there.

[roseinbloom]

kitchen, that's not a silly question at all. I think your pcp is a good place to start and leading with your past experience with PPA should clue them in to taking you seriously. If you were working with a therapist before and liked them or their practice you could reach out to them as well. If you were taking meds before and liked them, I would let your PCP or the professional you are working with know.

For someone who is reading this thread and thinks they might need help and don't know where to start, beginning with your PCP or finding out if you have insurance that covers counseling (and who/where is covered) might be a good place to start. If you don't have insurance and don't qualify for assistance, don't completely write yourself off. Some practices will work with you to find a payment option that works, and even appreciate having cash in hand rather than going back and forth with insurance. Not all therapists are able to prescribe medication if that's something you need or works for you, but they or your PCP should be able to get the ball rolling for you.

It's really, really hard to take the first step. Sending good wishes.

[Deleted]

I LT’d your post because I have a similarly harsh inner critic and strive for (but never achieve) perfection. It is so exhausting.

I realized I needed help when I was sobbing in despair on my baby’s first Christmas Eve and realized that wasn’t how things were supposed to be.

My journey has been gradual. I went through several therapists and doctors and meds over the course of 3 or so years.

Now I am in a very good place with my medication and I have a large tool kit of self care and therapy practices to work with. I’m so glad I kept at it until I found what works for me.

❤️

[sterling]

kitchen I’d call your OB if you have a good relationship with them. Mine prescribed Zoloft and gave me a plan, as well as names of people to talk to if I wanted to pursue that.