leahcar
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Post by leahcar on Apr 4, 2018 6:37:25 GMT -6
I got a ton of stuff thrown at us at once: both H and I's companies closed, a surprise pregnancy (and, thus, 2 kids very close together), and then resulting job/$$ drama from so much turmoil in our industries. I couldn't get through basic life without daily meltdowns so I called my doctor. Medication helped me tremendously and I was able to wean off later on with little issue.
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Post by hiafromwassie on Apr 4, 2018 6:51:37 GMT -6
PDQ I was in shorts and a t shirt no shoes and walked out of my house in the middle of February in a sleet/rain storm. I walked over a mile and broke down sobbing in the woods. I began therapy within a few days; gradually sought another therapist turned into a psychiatrist. I began meds for anxiety and anti depression. I wobbled through for a year before going into an inpatient treatment facility. A year later and I really began to face some truths. My marriage ended after another year and I continued therapy and medication monitoring. I was on various medications for about five years and then weaned off ttc. blahblah but will stop here. I agree with pp's who have stated waiting until a crisis point isn't necessary! I hope you find some answers and peace.
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sterling
Global Moderator
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Post by sterling on Apr 4, 2018 7:01:24 GMT -6
I felt like I was hovering above myself. I could see that the things I felt and said weren’t rational, but I couldn’t stop myself. I did meds first, and it was a huge help. Eventually I went to therapy to get through the bigger issues. I’m med and therapy free now and feeling good. But it took time. Hugs, friend.
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Post by Dramaphile on Apr 4, 2018 7:02:28 GMT -6
I went to therapy for PPD when my daughter was ten months old. It was gradual for me, and I started to notice that I enjoyed things less and was less excited about things I used to be excited about. And I just felt apathetic about most things. I finally called my husband one day on my lunch hour and told him and cried about it and realized I needed to call someone. My midwife recommended a postpartum depression practice and I ended up finding a therapist on my own closer to home. I only went for a few months, but it absolutely helped me to see where I was and realize that I needed to start taking care of myself and drop my guilt about self-care and giving myself time to decompress (my husband is a SAHD, which makes things complicated with the mommy guilt).
If you're thinking about it, reach out for help, it is absolutely worth it.
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Post by scarlettpanda on Apr 4, 2018 7:02:43 GMT -6
I've struggled with depression since I was in high school, but I never sought help until I was a graduate student. I went to my college's counseling center, and did an intake, but no one ever called me to schedule appointments after as they said they would, and I was so deep in my depression and anxiety that I couldn't force myself to call them myself. Eventually the depression lifted (it always did after about 6 months), and I convinced myself that I didn't need help anymore.
Fast forward to after DD was born in 2015. She had a medical condition that required surgery at 5 weeks, and it sent me over the edge. After that, every time she wouldn't eat "on schedule" I would cry hysterically. I was angry all the time, and the smallest things made me snap. And once I snapped, I felt like I was out of control. Then one day, as I was on the floor crying over a kid who wasn't hungry, I told my husband that I didn't want to live like this anymore, and he called my doctor.
It was attributed to PPA/PPD, so we started meds, but the reality is that it has been an issue all my life. I started on Zoloft, and within a week or so I felt like a different person. When I get upset, I don't feel the need to rage. I can calm myself down. Everything doesn't make me cry. I have more patience. I went off the meds about a year after I started them, but the symptoms started coming back, so I'm back on them now.
I truly wish that I could go back to when I was in grad school, and I may have been able to start working through all of this sooner.
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Post by fosterlove on Apr 4, 2018 7:06:28 GMT -6
For me, I didn't realize how bad I was. I met with my doctor for a regular checkup and he asked me how I was. And really wanted the answer, I was instantly in tears. We talked through some of what was going on and he set me up with a therapist. After I had started meeting with her, I then added the medication for anxiety for treatment as well.
I eventually stopped both the medication and therapy and thought I was "fixed". The anxiety and some added depression came back with a vengeance and made it difficult to get through a day. It was making life hard and I knew that I needed to get back to it.
It is hard to imagine that any time in the future I will not have at least regular talk therapy. For me it is probably more effective than the medication.
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starbuck
Emerald
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Post by starbuck on Apr 4, 2018 7:07:20 GMT -6
I didn't have anything intense the first time I went. I was more generally unhappy and was having trouble sleeping and could not relax. I used the EAP to meet with someone only a few times. We pretty quickly identified my job as the issue, and I began looking for a new job immediately.
I was supposed to call a therapist after my twins were born and I was having a lot of symptoms of PPA/PPD. My OBGYN gave me a list and we talked about a few other coping strategies. For me, sleep was key. My mom stepped in and took the twins one night a week for me so that i could sleep, and H got up more overnight. I kept getting too busy to call the therapists and I was stressed because how was I supposed to even do that with 3u3, but after a month or so with better sleep things started to calm down enough for me to see the light and the end of the tunnel. We got my oldest into a day program at church and that gave me a break, too. I opened up to H more to talk thru what I was feeling. I should have made time for it, though. It would have made life much easier. But in that moment it all seemed to unmanageable. I wasn't having any feelings of harming myself or the kids so I very much put myself on the back burner. If that had changed, well, I would have made the time.
I still have flashes of my postpartum feelings. My fuse is shorter than it used to be. I get flustered and cannot sleep sometimes. But it's nowhere near like it was, and it's not every day or even every other day. H no longer comes home to me crying on the floor.
I think sometimes it's easy to see therapy as something you do when things are going terribly, terribly wrong. But it's really more about trying to get the most out of your life now, instead of trying to wait it out and waiting and waiting and waiting...there's no reason for all of that.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 7:15:50 GMT -6
You’ve gotten great advice.
I think one thing to keep in mind is that anxiety/depression manifests itself differently for everyone; it can be as simple as feeling off long-term. Drug commercials make it seem extreme and it’s not always like that.
For me, my anxiety is just me in my head. I am fully functional at it rarely stops me for doing anything. I thought I had social anxiety, but what I’ve learned is like everything else with me, it’s situational. Most of the time I can push through.
As far as therapy is concerned, I’m the outlier and it’s just not my thing.
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Post by lucilleaustero on Apr 4, 2018 7:23:35 GMT -6
Hugs @gentleapricot, just writing your post is a step.
For me, it was when DD was 7 months old. She was a sick baby and had colic on top of her sickness. I thought I had PPA, but waited. I kept thinking that when X happens, things will get better. Then X would happen and I would say okay when Y happens, things will get better, and so on. Things never got better.
I didn't actually make the call. My husband came home to me crying in a corner when DD was 7 months old. He knew that I was having violent intrusive thoughts, not me hurting her, but other people hurting her. He called my ob, told him what was happening, made an appointment for the next day. He called my mom and told her what was happening and that she needed to come get me the next day for the appointment, as he was giving a big presentation at work.
I went in and cried for an hour. Got on Zoloft that day, but saw a psychologist later that week that diagnosed me with PPOCD, which is a lesser known condition in the post partum world. OCD is for life, but I am in a good place now and have been for a while. Truly, I started feeling better within a week of taking the meds.
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stringy
Opal
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Post by stringy on Apr 4, 2018 7:33:05 GMT -6
You’ve gotten great advice. I think one thing to keep in mind is that anxiety/depression manifests itself differently for everyone; it can be as simple as feeling off long-term. Drug commercials make it seem extreme and it’s not always like that. For me, my anxiety is just me in my head. I am fully functional at it rarely stops me for doing anything. I thought I had social anxiety, but what I’ve learned is like everything else with me, it’s situational. Most of the time I can push through. As far as therapy is concerned, I’m the outlier and it’s just not my thing. I think this is a good point. I had essentially a crisis when DD2 was about a year old and I just couldn't keep it together anymore. I have an aversion to seeking help because of times when I was young and was made to go to therapy and didn't like the lady. But when thoughts of self-harm started I knew it was time. But, from the outside, even to my immediate family, they had no idea anything was wrong. I went to work. I took care of my kids. I was somewhat social. Outwardly the main symptom was anger, usually at my wife. Inside it was a whole different world that I couldn't escape from. I am kind of a believer at this point that everyone should go to therapy - it helps with processing, communication, realizing why you do things that you do, etc.
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rayann
Platinum
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Post by rayann on Apr 4, 2018 7:34:13 GMT -6
For me, I had noticed an increase in anxiety after DD's traumatic birth. I put off getting help for too long. My parents health is declining. One day I had a horrible time at work. I kept it together until the end of the day. I got into my car and started to cry hysterically. I drove around for an hour. I called my husband crying, telling him I was a failure. He calmed me down and I went home. I called the doctor and I started Lexapro and Ativan for anxiety attacks. Things have been better ever since.
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Post by spottedprincess on Apr 4, 2018 7:44:25 GMT -6
I had a crazy ass boss. He was a huge stressor. I was responsible for 2 offices alone, he was perfectionist and did I say crazy? Every compliment came with a but... I could make write a novel. I started having panic attacks at the office. Once my DH had to drive over an hour to my office because I was spiraling and couldn't pull myself out of it. I couldn't quit crying. It was not pretty. Then I began having panic attacks at night thinking about work the next day. He said that was enough. I called my GP and he placed me on Lexapro. Ended up with Zanax for the out of nowhere attacks. Within about a week I started to feel much better. Before the year end I had found another job and weaned myself from the meds. That was over 7 years ago. I'm glad you started this thread. Maybe this is the push I need as well to seek out help. My father's health is declining fast and I'm having trouble coping. If you're feeling off and not yourself please see someone. You don't have to feel that way.
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
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Post by hawkward on Apr 4, 2018 7:52:29 GMT -6
Like sterling, I would say things I *knew* weren't right but I just couldn't stop myself.
One night, I yelled at 2 yo DS1 in frustration and slammed my bedroom door. H was in another room and came running. He said "WHAT DID YOU DO??" like he assumed I had hit DS1 or something. That was my moment- that H thought I was capable of hurting my son (and for H it triggered some major childhood stuff). I actually ran out of the house and sat in my car for a while- I had nowhere to go but I couldn't stand the thought of sitting there with H staring at me anymore.
I went to my primary care doctor and told him I was having episodes of my heart racing and fixating on things I couldn't control- my particular trigger was we had loud ass neighbors who would play music so loud the bass once knocked pictures off DS1's wall. It turned out there was a physiological cause to my anxiety (subacute thyroiditis) that we could treat with a beta blocker.
I was "lucky" and had a particularly kind and understanding PCM- his wife had also had a second trimester loss and PPD/A afterward. So while he treated the thyroiditis, he saw there was more going on and gave me klonopin and sent me to counseling. I didn't click with the counselor and dropped it pretty quickly, but it made me more aware that I was going to have to take better care of myself. I was able to get to a better place with a combination of treating PCOS symptoms, exercise, and yoga/meditation. I've had panic attacks since then, but it's been years since I've needed a klonopin.
I still have to self-regulate a lot. When I start feeling depressed and anxious, I have to "check in" with myself and figure out if it's something I can handle on my own or not. Usually the answer is yes with better self care.
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Pizzaslut
Ruby
*it’s a joke. get some hobbies.
Posts: 22,728 Likes: 131,010
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Post by Pizzaslut on Apr 4, 2018 8:51:57 GMT -6
I brought it up at my last physical that I was short-tempered (I will be honest and say that I probably down-played it to her). She wanted to get bloodwork to make sure my levels were okay and then she mentioned Lexipro or Zoloft. As soon as I have this baby, I will be asking to try one of those. On more than one occasion, I have screamed at DS (who is 2.5). From the outside, I can only imagine how that looks. I wanted to die each time I have done it. So, screaming at a toddler was enough for me.
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Pistol
Diamond
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Post by Pistol on Apr 4, 2018 9:00:42 GMT -6
My enough point was when I felt nothing. I had no desire to get up and do anything. My house was a mess and I would just shut myself in my room all day so I didn’t have to look at it. I found myself yelling at the kids over little things. I was sleeping a lot but still felt tired all the time.
I talked to my dr and he put me on anti-anxiety meds. I realized later that the tightness in my chest and shortness of breath had gone away. My headaches had eased up. I was laughing again. At the beginning of the year I noticed my symptoms reappearing (now that I knew what the physical symptoms were I was able to catch it a lot sooner) and had my meds upped. I don’t want to go back to that place of feeling overcome by my anxiety.
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Post by millimeter314 on Apr 4, 2018 9:02:43 GMT -6
I needed help way before I actually got help.
The neighbor dog barking would drive me into a rage, I wouldn't let DH take our dog outside to use the restroom at night because I was convinced someone was going to kill him, at work I would keep my head down and avoid my bosses because eye contact with them would make me tear up with fear that I was being fired (even though I was getting promotions and recognition awards).
After the twins were born DH had to physically pull me out from under the bed because I was freaking out and crying, I was afraid to touch the kids because I thought I would accidentally throw them across the room, I threw my hospital cup and it broke then freaked out about said broken cup because it was my only connection to the twins birth.
My OBGYN said it was just exhaustion but DH pushed and she put me on anxiety medication and it was like I could see and breathe again. I was no longer in fear or experiencing rage.
I've gone on and off medication over the past few years due to TTC, and I always end up going back on. When I start feeling "off," I know that means I need to get back on. When I have a short fuse, I start to become more fearful, and just don't enjoy life anymore, I know it's time to make a change.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:01:33 GMT -6
@rosegold, interestingly, not feeling good enough st work is big for me, too. I’ve been at my company for nearly 15 years now and have more than 22 years in my general field, have been promoted here and gotten numerous merit based awards but I still feel out of my league. Funny how that works. For me I know it stemmed from a childhood rife with criticism and never feeling good enough or trusting myself to be competent as a result. It’s a big anxiety trigger for me as an adult. Too much responsibility (work, parenting) scares me because as a kid I wasn’t given the self confidence to know I could do things well. Even though I was a very independent, self sufficient high achiever. Imposter Syndrome, google it. 🙁 PDQ Major TW High level. This is where I'm at on a daily basis. No matter what I do or what I've accomplished, I undermine it. For example, the thought I had after my promotion - "you're(I) a single mom, so relative to your counterpart you still aren't doing that great" I've lost almost 20 pounds and I look in the mirror and say "you're still fat, probably why you're single. No matter how much weight you lose your face is a disaster" When someone tells me I'm a good mom I think - "well I had a voluntary abortion with my first one, so I'm actually a pretty disgusting human being" Even small every day tasks like washing my face - "no matter how hard you wash your face, you still have acne and horrible scars" Etc. This constant negative feedback I give myself drives me to keep trying to do more and to be the best but no matter what I do I'm not happy with it. ETA - I also project this onto other people. "Sure they did that, but they should've done it this way or they didn't do that" etc.
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tater
Emerald
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Post by tater on Apr 4, 2018 14:11:03 GMT -6
@gentleapricot I don’t have the right words, but I appreciate you sharing and I think you’re pretty bad ass ❤️
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Post by roseinbloom on Apr 4, 2018 14:14:17 GMT -6
@gentleapricot, I identify with many of the feelings if not the specifics of what you wrote. For me it's DD.
It's okay to get support so you can manage self-destructive thoughts, especially if it is constantly affecting you throughout the day. ❤️
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sterling
Global Moderator
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Post by sterling on Apr 4, 2018 14:15:21 GMT -6
@gentleapricot first, I want to hug you. Second, the things you’re feeling and thinking, that negative self talk, is a huge part of what I was doing. And I could cry at the drop of a hat. I don’t know if you’re interested in medication or not, but look into how SSRIs work. For me, seeing the science of what was happening and the help my brain needed to feel better made me feel pretty good about moving forward on that medicine.
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cribs
Sapphire
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Post by cribs on Apr 4, 2018 14:15:37 GMT -6
@gentleapricot a lot of that negative stuff stopped with Zoloft. it's my bff.
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Post by roseinbloom on Apr 4, 2018 14:17:05 GMT -6
It was brave of you to share that. I think everyone who contributed to this thread was incredibly brave. Thank you for sharing your stories.
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Pizzaslut
Ruby
*it’s a joke. get some hobbies.
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Post by Pizzaslut on Apr 4, 2018 14:23:25 GMT -6
@gentleapricot, hugs to you. I understand some of what you are going through. You shouldn't feel that way about yourself and I hope you can get find whatever you need to get rid of some (or all) of that negativity towards yourself.
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jsgrl
Platinum
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Post by jsgrl on Apr 4, 2018 14:27:07 GMT -6
@gentleapricot, I was just having a conversation about my similar thought patterns the other day. And I would say yes, the things you're saying were/are a huge part of my anxiety and depression.
And for a time, they were manageable, until everything started feeling pointless. What's the point in doing my job well, I'll never get a promotion. What's the point in putting on make up, I'm ugly anyway. What's the point of cleaning the kitchen, what's the point of getting out of bed, what's the point of waking up at all.
If it helps, the first time I went to the doctor, I simply told him I was having a hard time feeling happy. That's it. And he took the lead from there.
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Post by roseinbloom on Apr 4, 2018 14:43:58 GMT -6
Also, I want to say that getting help doesn't have to be seen as a selfish thing. If you have some experience, you'll be able to give some personal advice or help to someone else in your life who is hurting. Many people who have children choose to get help for themselves so that they aren't subliminally teaching their kids self-destructive habits and model the kind of self-care and self-awareness they want their children to feel they are allowed and encouraged to have.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 14:56:28 GMT -6
@gentleapricot and everyone else who is interested, you might want to read up on common self-defeating beliefs. I carry an inventory of them in my planner (the inventory is by Dr. David D Burns) as much of the work I did in therapy revolved around my highly ingrained SDBs. You may relate to some of them (or, in my case, a lot of them) and labeling them will allow you to work to unwind them from your daily life/thoughts/behaviors. ETA: adding a link daviddburnsmd.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/common-self-defeating-beliefs-version-3.pdf
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 15:32:02 GMT -6
@gentleapricot and everyone else who is interested, you might want to read up on common self-defeating beliefs. I carry an inventory of them in my planner (the inventory is by Dr. David D Burns) as much of the work I did in therapy revolved around my highly ingrained SDBs. You may relate to some of them (or, in my case, a lot of them) and labeling them will allow you to work to unwind them from your daily life/thoughts/behaviors. ETA: adding a link daviddburnsmd.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/common-self-defeating-beliefs-version-3.pdfThank you for sharing. I'm honestly lost for words because those are the identical thoughts I have on an everyday basis. Is this out of the norm? I've always had thoughts like these since I can remember so I can't really imagine what it's like not too. Also, (this may be a silly question) but if these thoughts are taken away, what is there to even think about? It's odd to even wrap my head around it.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 15:44:53 GMT -6
@gentleapricot and everyone else who is interested, you might want to read up on common self-defeating beliefs. I carry an inventory of them in my planner (the inventory is by Dr. David D Burns) as much of the work I did in therapy revolved around my highly ingrained SDBs. You may relate to some of them (or, in my case, a lot of them) and labeling them will allow you to work to unwind them from your daily life/thoughts/behaviors. ETA: adding a link daviddburnsmd.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/common-self-defeating-beliefs-version-3.pdfThank you for sharing. I'm honestly lost for words because those are the identical thoughts I have on an everyday basis. Is this out of the norm? I've always had thoughts like these since I can remember so I can't really imagine what it's like not too. Also, (this may be a silly question) but if these thoughts are taken away, what is there to even think about? It's odd to even wrap my head around it. yup. I've been there. My therapist handed me this list when I was in her office and I didn't know if I should faint, laugh, cry or what. What I now believe (and this is just for me) is that everything is on a spectrum and what I should be shooting for is a happy middle ground. Anxiety for example. Anxiety in and of itself isn't bad. It's our bodies way of warning us that something isn't right. But when we have too much of it or we listen to it too much or not enough, it doesn't lead to the healthiest of behaviors. So, I had actually gotten to a point where my anxiety was so high all the time that I never listened to it. I just tried to talk myself out of it with self-hate. "that's stupid, don't worry about that, that's irrational" "only crazy people think like that". Then I had actual situations in my life that I should have listened to my instincts and I didn't because I called myself crazy and just did things that made me uncomfortable for the sake of not being anxious. Same idea with these beliefs. Being a perfectionist isn't entirely bad. Having high standards for ones own performance and work, is ok. But taken to the extreme it is destructive. If I'm so in my head as a perfectionist that I don't even apply for an opportunity or start something because I'm afraid of failing or making a mistake, that's not good. If I don't give myself room to fail how will I grow? Literally what I just said there is something I would not have been able to say when I started therapy. When my therapist suggested that I was being too hard on myself and being a perfectionist to the detriment of myself, I would not accept that. I told her that I had high standards and I didn't see that ever changing and I didn't see anything wrong with that. I still struggle with this one today, but I am so much more open to identifying when I'm going too far and being unreasonable with myself. And like you mentioned before, I had these so ingrained that I was starting to extend them to people in my life. Mainly H. I was projecting self defeating beliefs onto him and I didn't even realize it. That really scared me because I don't want to do that to DS and if I continued on, that's probably where this was going.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 15:45:14 GMT -6
@gentleapricot, I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this.
Quick question and you can tell me to fuck off, but do you correct your mom when she’s with DD? Or when S does something, do you say, “great job” or “great, but...?”
I’ve had to learn to stop myself from trying to inflict my way on everyone.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 15:50:59 GMT -6
And to answer your question about what do people think instead - I'm not always sure. I'm a work in progress, so for me, the big progress is being able to recognize and redirect these thoughts/beliefs. I will start down the path (often times subconsciously) and then realize what I'm doing and redirect. I think a lot of people have more neutral or positive thoughts or just less thoughts.
Like I see that with my H. Someone asks him if he wants to do something and he just evaluates it on it's surface and says yes or no based on what he feels. There is no "well, why did they invite me last minute? is this a pity invite? what if I make a fool of myself? what if I don't want to be there once I get there? what if that one person who always judges me is there?". that's not to say that he's perfect, but he just doesn't have the worries and the self reflection that I too often have in basic, common situations.
One thing that really helps me when I get stuck in a cycle of self defeating thoughts or behaviors is taking a step back and saying "what is the worst that can happen if this doesn't go the way I want it to?". If the worst is something really bad, I have a right to be anxious/worried about it and I should do more planning/research/thinking. If the worst is not that bad (98% of the time), I need to get out of my own head and get on with it.
ETA: I will add that I think MH does have some self-defeating beliefs, but he has a very few and he doesn't have the anxiety portion, so I think in him they serve as more of a motivator and positive influence....again, speaking to the spectrum idea.
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