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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 2, 2019 14:43:10 GMT -6
Thanks for reading... poof
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Post by summerbabe on Mar 2, 2019 14:58:17 GMT -6
To me, the sex thing isn't the current issue, I'd almost shelve that for a second.
The potentially buying a property with someone else is completely bonkers to me, especially if money is an issue. I'd need to know about that asap.
Also I'm sorry and I hope that you get some good responses. I'd probably ask him which friend he is meeting up with just to see how he responds.
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Post by gallagher on Mar 2, 2019 15:02:11 GMT -6
I am sorry you are going through this. I really think you need to just be straightforward with him and ask him about your suspicions. Hugs!
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Post by summerbabe on Mar 2, 2019 15:03:01 GMT -6
Also I can't imagine asking someone to cosign a loan with me unless we're crazy tight, related, in a relationship, unless you're hitting up some $$$ investor. So I'd want to figure out that part of it.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 2, 2019 15:06:41 GMT -6
I’d you have to do all of that, I think it’s pointless. He could be wiping messages. He could have a burner FB, the possibilities are endless. But I would approach him about the lack of sex. Do you want to have sex? Do you not want sex but want to know if he’s getting it elsewhere? What is your end goal through all of this. I want to have sex, but I’m still breastfeeding and my drive is very low at the moment. We’ve talked about it a bit in therapy and the suggestion was to spend some quality time together and touch each other more. The messages with the girl about investing feel like a betrayal to me and I want to see if it has gone any further with her or anyone else. He’s always had issues with managing money and we’re working really hard to get out of debt and save for the future and the fact that he would put his name on some chicks mortgage application as a co signer has me really upset. Like why would he sacrifice his families financial situation for some girl? It doesn’t make sense to me
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 2, 2019 15:08:50 GMT -6
To me, the sex thing isn't the current issue, I'd almost shelve that for a second. The potentially buying a property with someone else is completely bonkers to me, especially if money is an issue. I'd need to know about that asap. Also I'm sorry and I hope that you get some good responses. I'd probably ask him which friend he is meeting up with just to see how he responds. That’s my plan to ask, he’s mentioned since I posted that he may not go. We will see.
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Post by CestLaVie on Mar 2, 2019 15:10:25 GMT -6
Also I can't imagine asking someone to cosign a loan with me unless we're crazy tight, related, in a relationship, unless you're hitting up some $$$ investor. So I'd want to figure out that part of it. Yeah this is enough for me personally to lose my shit. I'd screenshot whatever you do have first then maybe you can bring this up.
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Cher
Global Moderator
BMB, GD, Special Interests
Posts: 57,553 Likes: 442,342
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Post by Cher on Mar 2, 2019 15:15:03 GMT -6
Have you guys had a convo about why you haven’t had sex in 2 years and your sex life was barely happening for the 3 years before this? I mean, there’s a lot of really red flags here, so I’m not sure how much more you need. I would be having a convo with him.
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Jesslfar
Ruby
Posts: 22,584 Likes: 75,084
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Post by Jesslfar on Mar 2, 2019 15:16:56 GMT -6
The co signing would be a big issue for me. I think you need to sit down and discuss sex with him and talk about this co signing.
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STP
Diamond
Posts: 43,352 Likes: 314,942
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Post by STP on Mar 2, 2019 15:19:47 GMT -6
If my husband co-signed someone's loan without talking to me, I would consider that just as bad as cheating, personally.
At the end of the day, it's about trust. Be that trust not to dick over your family, or trust to be honest with me in all things, or trust not to have sex with another person. It's all the same issue.
So I mean. Whether or not he's having sex with this woman is almost immaterial in my eyes. That's a major financial commitment to someone you don't know, that he's doing without your knowledge. It's sneaky, it's weird, and it would be a game changer in my mind.
I'm fine being seen as potentially OTT on this one. I think too often cheating conversations focus on the physical act of having sex with someone else when that's not the crux for me. It's the shattering of a total trust that should be there between spouses sharing their lives. You might be able to forgive sex, but can you forgive that?
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jaidit
Ruby
Posts: 18,134 Likes: 300,238
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Post by jaidit on Mar 2, 2019 15:23:09 GMT -6
Did he actually go through with anything financial with the massage therapist or was he just shooting the shit? Do you share a bank account to look through?
The biggest causes for concern to me are the chick who asked if he was free tonight and the lack of intimacy.
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thatgolfb
Unicorn
Posts: 55,023 Likes: 234,914
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Post by thatgolfb on Mar 2, 2019 15:50:09 GMT -6
If my husband co-signed someone's loan without talking to me, I would consider that just as bad as cheating, personally. At the end of the day, it's about trust. Be that trust not to dick over your family, or trust to be honest with me in all things, or trust not to have sex with another person. It's all the same issue. So I mean. Whether or not he's having sex with this woman is almost immaterial in my eyes. That's a major financial commitment to someone you don't know, that he's doing without your knowledge. It's sneaky, it's weird, and it would be a game changer in my mind. I'm fine being seen as potentially OTT on this one. I think too often cheating conversations focus on the physical act of having sex with someone else when that's not the crux for me. It's the shattering of a total trust that should be there between spouses sharing their lives. You might be able to forgive sex, but can you forgive that? Fully agree with this.
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thatgolfb
Unicorn
Posts: 55,023 Likes: 234,914
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Post by thatgolfb on Mar 2, 2019 15:56:13 GMT -6
This may not make much sense but I will say it anyway. Cheating is something that I at least can *imagine* happening. Like in the realm of possibility, even as much as I know my H would not (as much as a person can “know”).
Co-signing in some rando’s lease or whatever is just so far out of the realm of something I would think could happen that I would be beyond speechless.
I think plans with a friend coinciding with the girl asking if he was free tonight is a big red flag, as are a few of the other things you mentioned.
You need to have a conversation with him.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 2, 2019 15:57:36 GMT -6
Trust your gut. It’s a real good indicator, trust me.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 2, 2019 16:03:00 GMT -6
I’m reading and I’ll be back to respond after dinner.
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gussie
Amethyst
Posts: 6,331 Likes: 18,769
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Post by gussie on Mar 2, 2019 16:10:49 GMT -6
I’d personally have a hard time keeping quiet about what I saw and biding my time, I’d confront him ASAP because that shit is weird. But it might not be the smart thing to do.
I will say MH has lost his sex drive in the last 5 years and there’s been times where it’s been 6+ months. I was the one being turned down and then I just stopped asking. Recently, we’ve had more conversations about it and we are on track to improvement but it doesn’t automatically mean the other person is cheating if they stop asking for sex.
The other stuff is weird though.
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Post by katelou on Mar 2, 2019 16:18:45 GMT -6
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
How serious did the “buying an investment property “ talk sound? Like theoretical at this point, or actually talking numbers and specific properties and specific lenders? I could see that either as a massive breech of financial trust OR just general big talk that was never going to happen, depending on the people and the details.
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klong11
Emerald
Posts: 14,606 Likes: 84,777
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Post by klong11 on Mar 2, 2019 16:20:29 GMT -6
Go plug in your phone and ask to use his real quick to look something up because your phone is dead. He'll either plug in the password himself or tell you what it is. Casually walk to the other room, open his messages and look for names or numbers. Unless he follows you, then type in some random recipe in Google search and be done with it.
Did you see the name or number when the text popped up? Did you FB search the name? Was it immediately afterwards that he said something about going out?
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gussie
Amethyst
Posts: 6,331 Likes: 18,769
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Post by gussie on Mar 2, 2019 16:23:14 GMT -6
The not knowing his phone password seems odd to me as well. Is this common in marriages? MH and I use each other's phones all the time for navigation, looking stuff up or making calls when our phones aren't close. We've always known each other's passcodes.
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auburn
Sapphire
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Post by auburn on Mar 2, 2019 16:24:46 GMT -6
The not knowing his phone password seems odd to me as well. Is this common in marriages? MH and I use each other's phones all the time for navigation, looking stuff up or making calls when our phones aren't close. We've always known each other's passcodes. I would just ask for it, and if he wouldnt share it, I would want to know why. It’s odd to me as well. OP, I’m sorry that you are worried. The loan thing, if he actually did it, for me, FOR ME, would be a deal breaker.
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gussie
Amethyst
Posts: 6,331 Likes: 18,769
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Post by gussie on Mar 2, 2019 16:26:16 GMT -6
Also when you said he says hi to people on facebook and they sometimes don't answer him, are these women? Or random people you don't recognize, or actual friends?
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Post by peppapig on Mar 2, 2019 16:26:25 GMT -6
I don’t know if this was already mentioned, but my first thought about him talking to another woman about buying investment property sounds like an excuse to meet up with her and talk with her...not that he actually would go through with the purchase. But I could be way off here. And I agree with PPs...trust your your gut, and there is such a thing as non-physical cheating
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STP
Diamond
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Post by STP on Mar 2, 2019 16:27:01 GMT -6
Meh to not knowing the passcode.
Enough is weird here without that. My phone is never far from me, so I rarely need H's.
eta if he refuses to give it, then sure. That's a red flag. But not knowing it in general isn't really.
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gussie
Amethyst
Posts: 6,331 Likes: 18,769
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Post by gussie on Mar 2, 2019 16:29:32 GMT -6
Meh to not knowing the passcode. Enough is weird here without that. My phone is never far from me, so I rarely need H's. I was just thinking in my marriage personally I would be super suspicious if all of a sudden MH changes his passcode, but I guess only if he wouldn't tell it to me. But that's why I asked if it's common, if most people don't ever feel the need to share it or whatever, that in itself isn't suspicious. I feel like that might not make sense, I'm tired.
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Yogurt
Emerald
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Post by Yogurt on Mar 2, 2019 16:38:29 GMT -6
The not knowing his phone password seems odd to me as well. Is this common in marriages? MH and I use each other's phones all the time for navigation, looking stuff up or making calls when our phones aren't close. We've always known each other's passcodes. My and my husband's phone both open with "biometrics" like our eyeballs or fingerprint.
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wasabi
Moderator
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Post by wasabi on Mar 2, 2019 16:40:42 GMT -6
I used to have my fingerprint on SO’s phone but he got a new one and I don’t know the password or anything. I don’t really care though.
The random unanswered fb messages I’d like to know more about. Like who is he messaging and why?
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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euphony
Silver
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Post by euphony on Mar 2, 2019 16:43:48 GMT -6
Are you sure the massage therapist isn't a prostitute and "meeting to discuss an investment property" isn't code?
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Post by sunnysideup on Mar 2, 2019 16:45:34 GMT -6
There is a lot to go through here...but I will caution if you bring it up...and there is reason to delete evidence he will start deleting....before you ever see it. So, I recommend taking a minute to figure out the best way to approach and when and if you bring it up...ask him to have his phone. That way in the moment you can ask to see what’s on it. That will be telling.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 2, 2019 16:48:31 GMT -6
I’d personally have a hard time keeping quiet about what I saw and biding my time, I’d confront him ASAP because that shit is weird. But it might not be the smart thing to do. I will say MH has lost his sex drive in the last 5 years and there’s been times where it’s been 6+ months. I was the one being turned down and then I just stopped asking. Recently, we’ve had more conversations about it and we are on track to improvement but it doesn’t automatically mean the other person is cheating if they stop asking for sex. The other stuff is weird though. This is true. If they want to cheat they’ll cheat even if they get sex everyday.
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Post by sunnysideup on Mar 2, 2019 16:51:02 GMT -6
To explain/follow up more....Like, if you say “I think I saw something” and he had his phone....show me...and he hands the phone over. It’s probably fine. He acts weird about it...well...maybe there is something more to look into. People delete things. You need to catch off guard if you want to see the phone and a reaction. And maybe it’s nothing. But the reaction will tell you.
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