Breaking the yelling cycle

[lizblue]

Ok I’m about to get a little vulnerable and would appreciate any words of wisdom you may have.

My mom was a yeller. I grew up afraid of her and loving her and admiring her. But also scared and sad. I don’t want to be like my mom. I don’t want my DD to ever feel like I felt.

But lately I’ve started losing my cool. DD is 2.5 and hilarious and kind but also stubborn and headstrong— you know, a toddler. I try really hard to not yell and I do a pretty good job until I reach my fucking limit. And then I yell. And then she cries. And then I comfort her. And I realize that we’ve started this cycle that is not healthy and I want it to stop.

Any techniques or suggestions on handling a toddler without yelling? H does a good job- very patient, says things firmly but calmly and sticks to his word. I want to do that but I constantly fail. Help? Or hairpats?

ETA PDQ as I may delete some details later.

[Deleted]

This is gonna sound SUPER dumb but... Does she watch Daniel Tiger? Obnoxious as hell but I swear, singing those damn songs has stopped tantrums in their tracks, calmed us both down, and soon we're back to singing nursery rhymes. Mine is now singing "use your wooorrrdddssss" back at me.

Or take my sister's lead and just sing "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need" to her screaming kids.

[lizblue]

I like both of those suggestions @spacetiger. Thank you.

[origami]

Full disclosure, I’ve used those damn tiger songs on myself. Especially the frustrated and mad ones. It was prompted by my kid singing one at me and then I felt like shit but it really worked. It also gave me a moment to collect and realize I’m more annoyed at the fucking song than my kid and we’re back on an even plane.

[AmyG]

whisper. get down on their level.

choose your battles, some things really don't matter in the big picture.

Try to figure out how to give a choice between two things you don't care about really, but it allows them to have some control and autonomy. if they choose something that isn't one of the 2 things, consider if it's ok choice (choose your battle) of if you need to say no.

Try not to say no, give alternatives, phrase things more nicely. don't say no running, say walk. don't say stop doing this, instead say lets do this other thing.

[lizblue]

Thank you AmyG

we do the two choices thing a lot and it works. I have to get way better at picking my battles.

[ktg]

One thing I've found helpful is to apologize when I yell. Specifically and honestly.

I tend to be amazingly patient and calm when I'm well-rested, too. It's a remarkable difference for me. How's your sleep?

I think she maybe isn't popular on this board, but I have found a wealth of help in being the kind of parent I want to be by reading Janet Lansbury's books and blog.

I'll also second Daniel Tiger. Also helpful with potty training.

[lucylou]

Hello twin. I relate very much to this.

One thing that I try to keep in mind that has helped me- I try to follow the RIE/Janet Lansbury parenting style and she talks about being "gentle leaders" for our kids and basically having an attitude like a CEO would have towards an employee. Not in a cold way, but basically like if an employee messed up or was acting totally outrageous, would you completely lose it yelling at them, threatening them, whatever, or would you stay calm and try to help them improve their behavior?
I mean it's not perfect because that is a TOUGH age, but it's something I try to keep in mind when I feel like I'm about to go off.

Eta: saw ktg posted about Janet Lansbury at the same time I did. She's got some great articles. Her Facebook page has a lot.

[lizblue]

lucylou I love that. Especially because I think I’m a pretty awesome boss and basically kick ass at work. This is great perspective.

[ktg]

Jan 10, 2018 20:17:24 GMT -6 origami said:

Full disclosure, I’ve used those damn tiger songs on myself. Especially the frustrated and mad ones. It was prompted by my kid singing one at me and then I felt like shit but it really worked. It also gave me a moment to collect and realize I’m more annoyed at the fucking song than my kid and we’re back on an even plane.

My toddler now asks me, "are you calm, Mommy? Need to count to 4?" Well I probably do, yes.

[Lord Disick]

There's good advice in here that I'm also listening to because my 2.5 year old is making me fucking crazy too.

[Deleted]

Jan 10, 2018 20:18:09 GMT -6 AmyG said:

whisper. get down on their level.

choose your battles, some things really don't matter in the big picture.

Try to figure out how to give a choice between two things you don't care about really, but it allows them to have some control and autonomy. if they choose something that isn't one of the 2 things, consider if it's ok choice (choose your battle) of if you need to say no.

Try not to say no, give alternatives, phrase things more nicely. don't say no running, say walk. don't say stop doing this, instead say lets do this other thing.

Giving choices really helps us a lot at meal time. Do you want chicken or yogurt? NO MOMMY, WANT OATMEAL. Um, ok, you win, tiny tyrant. Congratulations. Not gonna die on that hill.

Challenging her to something helps distract her and burn off energy too. So if she's losing her mind over not getting to watch TV, I might say "hey what's daddy doing over there, can you run really fast and see OH NO COME BACK FAST FAST FAST hey wait where's baby, quick get your baby, take her to daddy!" Etc. She loves to run so she forgets what she's mad about, burns out, and will be far more likely to sit with a book and read.

[Lord Disick]

There's a Daniel Together Parents app that has all of the songs handy. I have it on my phone and need to start using it.

[unicornofthesea]

I thought this article was interesting. It takes a lot for me not to yell, because my mom was also a yeller.

www.essentialkids.com.au/development-advice/behaviour-discipline/yelling-at-the-kids-try-this-mums-simple-hair-tie-trick-20170515-gw5ko7

[pobre]

Omg yes to ALL of this. We use Daniel Tiger songs still at 5. The choice thing makes all the difference, and I also apologize for losing my shit.

He still makes me lose my mind. Sometimes I even have to just leave him alone and go to my room or the bathroom for 5-10 minutes and calm myself down.

(I have a temper)

[Uncaripswife]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, lizblue.

I kind of know where you're coming from. I'm not a huge yeller but last week dd (4 yo) told me I have a "mad face" that makes her sad and think I don't love her anymore. We had a big talk about how there isn't anything she could do or say that would make me not love her. Kids, man.

When I feel my frustration rising I sometimes just leave the room so I can take a breath and get my head straight. I think your dd is younger, so I don't know if that's an option. Sometimes I will just stop everything when stuff escalates. Stop, wait, breathe, and then try a different approach if whatever I'm trying to get dd to do isn't working.

[Tlex]

Are the consequences you are giving for not following through on requests working against you?

For example I might be really frustrated and tell my kid "ok if you don't quit that behaviour we're going to leave the park." And maybe it's not a park leaving worthy offence. So she does it again to test me and I'm stuck either having to leave the park, which we just got to after much wrestling and crying just to get there, or we can stay and I look like I won't follow through.
Anyways then I end up super pissed off and feeling defeated and that leads to me snapping over something even more stupid. So my advice is if you dig yourself into holes with consequences, remember that you are the grown up and you can say "actually - no, I made a mistake when I said that. The real consequence will be..."

Also, Daniel Tiger. The feelings app specifically is amazing .

[miawallace]

firsr of all, hugs.

I'm the one with the anger issues in our marriage. There was a point where I was in cycles too, but with my husband.
I went to anger management because I really was sucking at life and ruining my marriage. I also was treating my anxiety with meds because it was definitely related to my outbursts.

But I've gained tools that have helped me along the way. I've had to be very intentional about applying them in order to really keep the grumpies at bay. I haven't had an outburst in over a year - or more i think. It took a while to get there though. It felt like an uphill battle at times.
Just my experience and wanted to empathize and send hugs your way.

[Deleted]

Jan 10, 2018 20:26:38 GMT -6 Lord Disick said:

There's a Daniel Together Parents app that has all of the songs handy. I have it on my phone and need to start using it.

This app has saved my life so many times.

[babybean]

Hugs, lady. This is me too and I’m trying to put a stop to it. I’m following for tips.

[lizblue]

Tlex I try to be mindful of that phenomenon but I catch myself doing it sometimes (“if you don’t get your shoes on, we’re not going.”) thanks for the reminder that I can change my mind.

I also catch myself reflexively saying no to things and then regretting it because now I’m locked in a battle of wills that I should have never cared about in the first place.

Thank you all for talking this through with me. I hate that I have a temper but I’m grateful to be able to bring this here to talk about.

[lizblue]

And thank you for the hugs. Sending them right back.

[AmyG]

Jan 10, 2018 20:35:27 GMT -6 Tlex said:

Are the consequences you are giving for not following through on requests working against you?

For example I might be really frustrated and tell my kid "ok if you don't quit that behaviour we're going to leave the park." And maybe it's not a park leaving worthy offence. So she does it again to test me and I'm stuck either having to leave the park, which we just got to after much wrestling and crying just to get there, or we can stay and I look like I won't follow through.
Anyways then I end up super pissed off and feeling defeated and that leads to me snapping over something even more stupid. So my advice is if you dig yourself into holes with consequences, remember that you are the grown up and you can say "actually - no, I made a mistake when I said that. The real consequence will be..."

Also, Daniel Tiger. The feelings app specifically is amazing .

It helps if you can force yourself to stop and think before blurting out a consequence.

Get in the habit of saying, you aren't behaving correctly (or whatever the thing is) and that is not ok. 

It is making me angry right now so I'm going to stop and think for a minute before giving you your consequence.

And then you both kind of sit in time out, breathe,

and then talk and come up with what the consequence is, or if the stop and think put everything back in sync

so maybe you don't have to do an actual consequence.

Alternatively, you put it on them.

we talked before going to the park about how you had to behave at the park.

You are smart and you know you are misbehaving.

What do you think we should do to fix this?

They may come up with off the wall ideas and you both kind of laugh and get back on target,

or it may be actually a good idea that works.

And always apologize if you screw up.  Model that we ALL make mistakes, even grown ups,

so when you make a mistake, you apologize and try to fix the error.

[leatherpants]

Jan 10, 2018 20:26:38 GMT -6 Lord Disick said:

There's a Daniel Together Parents app that has all of the songs handy. I have it on my phone and need to start using it.

This needs to be written on a billboard somewhere. I’m gonna go download it.

I also have lost my temper. I work so hard at not yelling because DS really responds badly to it and I end up feeling like shit. I have also given myself timeouts and we use Daniel Tiger songs. And deep breaths. I remind him to take a deep breath and I do it with him to “show him” but it helps me ground myself for a minute too. Even just that 3-5 second breath makes a world of difference. To both of us.

[Deleted]

Jan 10, 2018 20:40:39 GMT -6 lizblue said:

Tlex I try to be mindful of that phenomenon but I catch myself doing it sometimes (“if you don’t get your shoes on, we’re not going.”) thanks for the reminder that I can change my mind.

I also catch myself reflexively saying no to things and then regretting it because now I’m locked in a battle of wills that I should have never cared about in the first place.

Thank you all for talking this through with me. I hate that I have a temper but I’m grateful to be able to bring this here to talk about.

This is such a struggle for me lately. I catch myself saying no to something I shouldn’t and we both end up more frustrated/upset than we should be. Overall my patience has been very thin recently with DD (3.5) and I hate it.

[mischief]

Jan 10, 2018 20:09:18 GMT -6 @spacetiger said:

This is gonna sound SUPER dumb but... Does she watch Daniel Tiger? Obnoxious as hell but I swear, singing those damn songs has stopped tantrums in their tracks, calmed us both down, and soon we're back to singing nursery rhymes. Mine is now singing "use your wooorrrdddssss" back at me.

Or take my sister's lead and just sing "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need" to her screaming kids.

This is the theme song in our house. The kids haaate it. I laugh.

[elodin]

Following. You are certainly not alone in this. I didn't make it past 9:30 this morning without yelling. It makes me feel like shit, and like I'm ruining my kid. But in the moment I just can't stop.

[hawkward]

You've gotten a lot of really good advice about breaking the cycle.

I'm a yeller too, and I hate it. Something that helps me stop when we're already in a bad spiral is the "reset button." When we're having one of those absolutely shit days when even silly little things escalate into big deals, we reset- we stop whatever we're doing and completely change the day. I've even had them take showers and put on new clothes if we're just at home hanging out. I know that's not always practical, but it works on really bad days.

Another thing I do, and sometimes it's hard to force myself, is just something completely ridiculous. Jump up and down, sing a song, whatever. Get their attention. Then as quietly as possible, I do things and try to get them to follow me- put my hands on my head, clap, stomp, sit, stand... on and on until they're following everything I do. It gets me in a place of being quiet and them primed to listen to whatever I have to say.

[mischief]

But I will 3rd or 5th the Daniel Tiger songs. I love that annoying little bastard. I never thought about the wrong consequence, I like that. Also hugs lizblue

[benandjerrys]

It's super hard. I often repeat to myself, "firm limits, soft voices".

It's almost like we were conditioned as kids that firm limits came with loud, angry voices, and it doesn't have to be that way. I use that as my mantra when I almost yell, and also when I almost cave. You're the parent but sometimes I just feel like rolling over because she's so stubborn, so that reminds me that that isn't the best approach either.

And +1 for Janet Lansbury.