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Post by leatherpants on Jan 11, 2018 11:25:31 GMT -6
I have not read all the responses. The few I have my approach is much different. Stop being a repeater - this is the biggest reason people end up yelling. Since you are a repeater you don't follow through and since you don't follow through your kids don't know when this is the last time you are going to say stop or you are going to say it again like you usually do. They don't know when you are for sure this is the last time. KWIM? If you say they must finish eating in 10 minutes, follow through. You need to have your shoes on, follow through. When your kid learns you are serious and you are not a repeater there will know you really mean what you say. Parent like you are being watched. Use a lower tone voice when you feel like yelling. Yelling begets yelling. If you are a yeller they will think it's ok to yell. They will yell at you, at each other, at other people. Be consistent. Send yourself to your room if you need it. Keep in mind who will look like the crazy person yelling and arguing with a little kid? You. This might not work for you but it does for me. I am not arguing with a kid. I am just not. I am the adult and I call the shots so there really isn't anything to discuss on certain aspects. There is no debate or feedback needed. Set time limits. Give yourself transition time. Know your triggers. It can be backtalk, feet on the couch, mess, repeating yourself. Routine make things go smoother. Kids knowing what comes next makes for a calmer child. If they are calmer you will be too. This is my biggest struggle and greatest annoyance. DS will always say "what" a million times when I know damn well he's heard me - and its definitely a button for me. But I also find myself repeating things a million fucking times - which is a huge annoyance in general. I have always hated repeating myself. I need to work on this.
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AmyG
Ruby
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Post by AmyG on Jan 11, 2018 12:00:56 GMT -6
With my oldest he wanted to know why. Seriously he wanted to know why he couldn't run into the street and why the car wouldn't see him and stop in time etc.
When I broke it down for him, car going to fast, brakes don't stop the car immediately, he was too short so they may not see him out the windshield, he might fall and get hurt running on the road and then the car really wouldn't be able to see him. Not that much detail right away but listening to him and his questions and fleshing out an answer better than "because I said so" or "the cars will hit you". Taking the time to explain why meant almost instant obedience.
So I worked that into my daily interactions with him.
So if he didn't put on his shoes instead of putting him down in the snow in his socks I would have explained why he would want shoes-snow/cold wet feet etc. And then it would have become a no argument situation for us.
I realised he really didn't see what I saw and didn't make the logical connections cause, duh, kids don't have much life experience (that no shoes in snow is stupid).
Of course that didn't mean always giving detailed explanations to get agreement. I could often just say trust me on this ill explain later and he'd do what I asked as long as I explained later.
That req patience and patience is often not high on my inborn abilities list. So it was a work in progress.
So I did it by habit with my youngest starting right away so we never had much of any discipline annoyingness from him. He's a bigger questioner than his brother though which is really hard. Theoretical physicist brain.
I also do it at school volunteering and scouts etc. Which means I get to deal with many troublemakers who don't want to follow rules. I explain rules and consequences to them in age approprste ways, encourage them to ask why but to understand adults don't always know why. we usually come to an understanding and they behave and do whatever without flack.
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Tlex
Ruby
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Post by Tlex on Jan 11, 2018 12:34:58 GMT -6
AmyG I do find with my older one a succinct explanation of the "why" added to my request gets a lot of traction. I think she feels more in charge when she knows why she's doing something - I'm putting on my boots to keep my feet dry outside because I don't like wet socks. Etc. I also agree with McBenny and realized I have been repeating myself a lot more than usual lately and the testing behaviour is increasing, I bet they're directly related. I am going to check myself on that and hopefully find myself less stressed.
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Post by Bumblebee on Jan 11, 2018 13:00:57 GMT -6
With my oldest he wanted to know why. Seriously he wanted to know why he couldn't run into the street and why the car wouldn't see him and stop in time etc. When I broke it down for him, car going to fast, brakes don't stop the car immediately, he was too short so they may not see him out the windshield, he might fall and get hurt running on the road and then the car really wouldn't be able to see him. Not that much detail right away but listening to him and his questions and fleshing out an answer better than "because I said so" or "the cars will hit you". Taking the time to explain why meant almost instant obedience. So I worked that into my daily interactions with him. So if he didn't put on his shoes instead of putting him down in the snow in his socks I would have explained why he would want shoes-snow/cold wet feet etc. And then it would have become a no argument situation for us. I realised he really didn't see what I saw and didn't make the logical connections cause, duh, kids don't have much life experience (that no shoes in snow is stupid).Of course that didn't mean always giving detailed explanations to get agreement. I could often just say trust me on this ill explain later and he'd do what I asked as long as I explained later. That req patience and patience is often not high on my inborn abilities list. So it was a work in progress. So I did it by habit with my youngest starting right away so we never had much of any discipline annoyingness from him. He's a bigger questioner than his brother though which is really hard. Theoretical physicist brain. I also do it at school volunteering and scouts etc. Which means I get to deal with many troublemakers who don't want to follow rules. I explain rules and consequences to them in age approprste ways, encourage them to ask why but to understand adults don't always know why. we usually come to an understanding and they behave and do whatever without flack. Yeah, we went over the whole no shoes = cold feet when I asked him to stop kicking the shoes off and he DGAF. Which is very much his personality. So, cool if explaining the physics of a Subaru's braking system will keep your kid from running into the street, but for some kids any kind of over complicated answer to "why" only feeds into their negative behavior or gives them fuel to their arguments.
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cyprissa
Platinum
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Post by cyprissa on Jan 11, 2018 13:25:59 GMT -6
McBenny yes for sure on the repeater part. It’s a struggle for me. I was always yelling to get them out of the house and now I just walk out the door and get in my car and they are running after me, no yelling needed, so that works for sure. I just say we are leaving in 10, give a 5 minute wanrning and then do it. So much less stressful. I have also told my oldest that if we are late because he is not cooperative I absolutely will not write a note to excuse tardiness.
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Tlex
Ruby
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Post by Tlex on Jan 11, 2018 14:25:15 GMT -6
Can I ask a dumb question about Daniel Tiger? How do you guys watch the show? I looked for it on demand on cable last night and couldn’t find it. It looks like it’s on PBS in the mornings while I’m at work/he’s at school. I can record them, but I’m sure I’m missing an easier solution. I’m going to download the app with songs, but I wasn’t sure if the songs would mean as much without him watching the episode? YouTube!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 14:26:46 GMT -6
Can I ask a dumb question about Daniel Tiger? How do you guys watch the show? I looked for it on demand on cable last night and couldn’t find it. It looks like it’s on PBS in the mornings while I’m at work/he’s at school. I can record them, but I’m sure I’m missing an easier solution. I’m going to download the app with songs, but I wasn’t sure if the songs would mean as much without him watching the episode? I have a bunch recorded. I scheduled them to start 2 minutes late and end 5 minutes early so I don't need to fast forward through anything.
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Post by leatherpants on Jan 11, 2018 14:34:59 GMT -6
Can I ask a dumb question about Daniel Tiger? How do you guys watch the show? I looked for it on demand on cable last night and couldn’t find it. It looks like it’s on PBS in the mornings while I’m at work/he’s at school. I can record them, but I’m sure I’m missing an easier solution. I’m going to download the app with songs, but I wasn’t sure if the songs would mean as much without him watching the episode? I have a bunch recorded. I scheduled them to start 2 minutes late and end 5 minutes early so I don't need to fast forward through anything. Same. I pvred them. He usually watches one while he's eating breakfast and I'm getting ready.
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ktg
Moderator
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Post by ktg on Jan 11, 2018 14:53:17 GMT -6
Can I ask a dumb question about Daniel Tiger? How do you guys watch the show? I looked for it on demand on cable last night and couldn’t find it. It looks like it’s on PBS in the mornings while I’m at work/he’s at school. I can record them, but I’m sure I’m missing an easier solution. I’m going to download the app with songs, but I wasn’t sure if the songs would mean as much without him watching the episode? If you stream anything, first 7 seasons are on Amazon Prime, and there's also a PBS Kids site/app with them if you want to go that route.
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Post by seamonster on Jan 11, 2018 15:19:01 GMT -6
Can I ask a dumb question about Daniel Tiger? How do you guys watch the show? I looked for it on demand on cable last night and couldn’t find it. It looks like it’s on PBS in the mornings while I’m at work/he’s at school. I can record them, but I’m sure I’m missing an easier solution. I’m going to download the app with songs, but I wasn’t sure if the songs would mean as much without him watching the episode? YouTube and Amazon Video (free with Amazon Prime).
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 16:40:33 GMT -6
I’ve also struggled with yelling, so much so that I went to a therapist to talk about it and help me find different responses and to overall improve how I respond in stressful situations.
She reminded me that my kids are still pretty young, and just figuring things out, and that I’ll probably have to tell them/let them experience life for them selves for a little while before they figure things out. She told me I was a good mom because I cared enough to be concerned, to work on it, and to ask for help. She helped me to reframe my perspective in the heat of the moment by asking myself if what I was about to yell/get upset about was going to matter long term. (It usually isn’t.)
We talked about my triggers, how to handle and reframe them. We talked about how my parents regret some of their child rearing choices and want different for me.
Anyway, I’m still a work in progress, and we talk about that often. I admit when I was wrong and ask forgiveness, and I offer the same to my kids.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 16:41:22 GMT -6
Good gravy, that’s teal deer.
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robot
Ruby
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Post by robot on Jan 11, 2018 17:12:18 GMT -6
I can be prone to yelling when I’m frustrated and I get frustrated fairly quickly. Patience is not my strong point. It never works out well though and it’s just a mess. DD is also 2.5ish and we’ve recently started doing some of the 123 Magic techniques. It’s been helpful for me because part of it is taking your emotions out of the pictures, and not having your own tantrum, while also helping DD see that we are serious about things before it escalates to yelling. I’ve seen a big difference and I’m happy with it. Most of it’s for older kids but it’s been a good starting point for us.
We also watch Daniel Tiger about specific issues so I think that’s a great suggestion.
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pumpkin
Sapphire
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Post by pumpkin on Jan 12, 2018 13:16:11 GMT -6
+1 to being a yeller. I absolutely hate when I do it. One book that was recommended to me a few years ago was " Scream Free Parenting". It's actually has some pretty great advice in it- I really should read it again, because a refresher course is much needed in my house.
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