Postpartum Mental Health Thread

[typo31]

I've been home from the hospital for...47 minutes and already logged a pretty significant emotional meltdown, so I need a dedicated mental health thread!

I can feel my milk coming in today so I'm certain this is hormonal, but I am totally grieving leaving the "hospital stage" with M. I don't know if infertility plays into this or what, but I feel like it's all going too fast and I already miss the idea of her being only 0 days old, 1 day old, etc. I'm terrified to forget how labor and delivery felt - which is already happening. The idea of going back to work has crossed my mind,, and the dread I felt about that is palpable. I just sobbed to my husband that I wish I had known it was M in my belly all along so that I could have been more patient and "nicer" to her during pregnancy. (??)

Anyway...,I know these feelings won't hang around forever, but I just wanted to word vomit a little bit since this grief has struck so strongly! I'm now off to wash my face and maybe walk my dog without M for a while, to try and settle back on track. Thanks for listening.

[kensie5226]

This is your first right? Because that sounds totally normal. With E I was convinced the dog was going to eat her while my back was turned and when MH called me “crazy” I slammed the microwave so hard I broke it. I had a full in meltdown before I went back to work and that what was what finally convinced me to go on Zoloft. It gets easier and try to enjoy your time without worrying about work. I know it’s easy to say.

[kensie5226]

typo31, hugs to you.

[sarahandben108]

Hugs typo31. The first few weeks can be crazy with hormones. Add the sleep deprivation on top of it and what you have is a mess. I will tell you that I never hated my DH more than in the first 4 months. We were exhausted, stressed, and N never did 5 hour stretches at night until he was 12 weeks old. Everything and anything could set me off.

Yes, everything goes by quickly at this stage with the babies, but the next stage is just as amazing.

[jenn83]

Hugs typo31

I completely get this. After having R, I couldn't think of HK without sobbing uncontrollably. The mom guilt was so strong. I felt like I was robbing her of her time with me. Now that we have been home for almost a week, I am starting to see the balance and am no longer in tears daily. Sometimes are harder than some, like when I am feeding R and HK wants to throw a tantrum because mommy won't hold her. But I know I just have to push through.

Our hormones are so out of whack those first couple of days.

[kensie5226]

Also, keep on eye on it. It’s easy to chalk up PPD and PPA to baby blues, but there is no shame in getting help! PM if you ever want, the first few months are truly hard.

[ldubhawksfan]

Dec 3, 2017 19:40:12 GMT -6 kensie5226 said:

Also, keep on eye on it. It’s easy to chalk up PPD and PPA to baby blues, but there is no shame in getting help! PM if you ever want, the first few months are truly hard.

This. I don’t know if I had PPD with DD but I suspect I did and wish I would have brought it up to my dr.

The first moments hard are scary. I remember vividly getting home, sitting in my glider with DD and bawling. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do next to keep a baby alive?!! There is something about having professionals around you that is reassuring. It’s totally normal.

[officedronette]

Hugs typo31. This all sounds very normal to me - I'm still crying all the time and it's very frustrating, some of it is hormones and other I am sure is just sleep deprivation. Like others have said, keep an eye on it and definitely talk about it with your doctor if you're not sure what side of the line you're falling on. I have regular non-PP Depression and Anxiety, and for me, it didn't actually cross the line into that territory.

Try not to worry about work just yet. I love my profession and I sobbed when I first dropped my child off and told my husband I'd quit my job in a heartbeat so I wouldn't have to leave her. I've never felt so miserable as I did that first time. So I don't recommend worrying about it until it's closer. It will probably suck really badly at first, but then it will get much better.

I agree with sarahandben108 - every new stage has been amazing. Yes, it's sad when they move on, but it's also amazing how they grow into these awesome people.

[Waffle]

The hormones are no joke. The day my milk came was a particularly bad day, I just couldn't stop crying. Give yourself a break, I think every new stage includes mourning the previous one, and that's normal.

As for me, things have been tough having her early and being in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. I went from having 3 weeks to nest and rest to having this baby I couldn't even take care of as I was stuck in a hospital bed. I missed my bump so much and it felt like I didn't get a baby in the trade off. On top of that I failed at breastfeeding her, which makes me feel like I have already failed her so much, making her come early and not caring for her as well as I should.

I know hormones and the pressure they put on me in hospital has a lot to do with this as I was pretty adamant I would not breastfeed if you'd asked me a few weeks or months ago, but it's hard listening to rational voice of reason when feeling guilty. I know I probably could have pushed through and done it but we'd likely still be in hospital if we had not switched to the bottle and I couldn't take it. I thought I would give it a go once at home, at least for the first few weeks (until her due date, so I would still have given her the time she was going to have) but I have not even tried anymore.

I know I need to just get on with it or stop guilting myself but it's like I'm stuck on it, I can't decide to do it because I didn't really want to but I feel like I have to or I am just a bad mother. So I just let the days go by without doing anything either way.

To add to this, I am literally waiting for the call that my mother has died and I have huge guilt not having visited her in hospital while I was there too. I went to say my goodbyes on Sunday and I just can't make myself go back there but once again, guilt, because I am literally just leaving her there to die alone.

Blergh, sorry this is so long and rambling. If you make it through this post, tap yourself on the back.

[sarahandben108]

I'm sorry about you mom Waffle.

Also, you didn't fail DD. She is being fed and that's the most important thing. I know it's hard having a new baby especially when we all put so much pressure on ourselves. Soon you'll have your routine and things will become your new normal and these days will be a distant memory.

[babydsmama]

Waffle first off I am so sorry about your Mom. That is so difficult to go through for any person never mind a newly PP woman. Big hugs to you.

With DD I had a similar BFing issue. I received a lot of pressure from the hospital I delivered her at and her first pedi to BF and I didn’t realize how difficult it really was. DD wasn’t gaining at all so after trying a feed, pump, supplement routine for a few weeks I made the switch to formula. I was 4 weeks PP and had all the Mom guilt and did a lot of crying over the fact that I felt like I failed her. Once I switched she was a different baby. She started gaining weight so well, she wasn’t screaming all the time, and she didn’t want to feed 24/7 like she had been when I was trying to nurse. I know it’s really hard to hear at this point, but fed is best. As long as you are feeding your baby you’re a good Mom.
This time I’m trying to approach feeding with an open mind and not worry about switching to formula if that’s what works best for this little lady.

I know I don’t have this outside baby yet but your post about the hospital pressures of breastfeeding really spoke to me. I hope you feel better about it soon! ❤️

[kensie5226]

Waffle, those all seem like legitimate feelings. I will say the hormones and pressure gets to you. I felt guilty about weaning my first at 14 months and she literally couldn’t have cared less. I know it’s so easy to say, but BFing isn’t the end all be all. I’m glad there is support out there for BFing, but the pendulum has swung so far in the other direction. Honestly, Fed is best and by the time the kids are in preschool no one is going to be asking who was BF and who was FF!

I’m so sorry about your mother. MH’s father died while I was KU with E and it’s really hard.

[officedronette]

Waffle - I am so sorry about your mother. A friend recently lost her mother and was feeling similar guilt about not visiting again and we encouraged her to release it - visiting at this point if for you, and if it wouldn't help you, then you need to listen to yourself.

I'm sorry the hospital put so much pressure on you. I hate that they do that. If you're feeding your baby, you're a good mother. There are pros and cons to both breastfeeding and formula - there's no perfect way to feed a baby.

[jenn83]

Waffle I completely agree with the other posts. Fed is best. I haven't been in your situation but I can imagine I would feel the same way. You are doing what you can do and handle. As long as your baby is fed, then that's all that matters.

I lost my mom last year, while I was 8 months pregnant with HK. Mom was in another state so travelling that pregnant was horrible. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. *Hugs*

[cakewench]

So many hugs, Waffle. Fed is always best, and you aren't failing your baby. You're doing what's best for her and for you. I'm sorry to hear about your mom - this is so much at once and it's totally natural for you to feel upset and overwhelmed. If there's anything we can do (besides send virtual hugs), please let us know. And don't be afraid to talk to your doctor.

[typo31]

Waffle Sending you so much love. You are so strong to be managing the emotions surrounding your mother on top of everything else with your daughter. I am sorry that you have this extra burden to bear - it's just so unfair.

You are NOT failing your baby. You got her here in one piece despite serious complications - not everyone might have been able to do that. She is alive, she is thriving, and she will have every opportunity to be amazing no matter how she gets fed now. You are 100% allowed to mourn the loss of your choice on the matter and that it not going how you expected, but please also take equal time to focus on all you're doing right for her. <3

[Waffle]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I am trying to look to the future and let go of my guilt. My mother is still hanging on, they assured me she is not in pain so that is all I can do for her right now.

I find comfort in the fact that Ella seems to be a very content baby despite my crying on her wee head every day. I just want everything for her, you guys understand !

Thank you, really, I appreciate every word.