Is this weird? Help me figure this out.

[LED]

So, when R was born my MIL got us one of those embroidered bears with her birth stats. I really like it and want to get one for Jackson, my stillborn son. Is that weird? I already have a Molly Bear and I don't want R to feel left out or whatever. Also, I lost 9 other babies. What about them? If I get a birth stats bear for J, what do I do to acknowledge the rest of my babies? If I do nothing it feels like I'm ignoring them and I don't think I want that. But then is it weird/excessive to do something for all my 1st tri losses?

I don't know what to do. I'm having a rough loss night and I want my babies back.

[charliefox]

Grieving and honoring your lost babies in any way is not weird or excessive. Only you know the best way to do that for you. Is there a way to acknowledge your 9 other losses within Jackson's bear? Maybe embroidering 9 symbols on there to represent them?

[hawkward]

Dec 1, 2017 23:24:42 GMT -6 enchanted said:

I think if you want a bear for Jackson, you should get one. I bet if you looked on Etsy, you could find someone willing to go beyond the basic stats and include nine hearts or stars or whatever other symbol you would like if you wanted to.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

[hawkward]

Okay, so now I'm home and can type my thoughts better. LED, I think sometimes us multiple loss moms set ourselves up for failure because it's just human nature to have some events be more traumatic/painful/whatever than others. But also we're moms and don't ever want to love one child more, right? So that causes a huge cognitive dissonance. I can honestly say there were a set of circumstances that made losing Adair much more traumatic, only partly considering she was a second tri loss and my others were first tri. It doesn't mean I wanted her more, but it does mean that when I think of loss, she's what comes to mind first. Does that make sense? We tell ourselves and each other that no loss was better/worse/less/more than another and that is absolutely, unequivocally true, but that doesn't account for your feelings and circumstances, and those are facts (for us as individuals) too.

So I think it's fine for you to do whatever you need to do. Mom guilt is real and the crappy thing is it's really hard to fix when you don't have *those* babies/children to hold. As DS1 (my first rainbow) gets older, I've been surprised that I'm still feeling those feelings, letting some things go, and realizing it's a lifelong thing.

My "line" is asking myself "does this make me feel better/feel cathartic/feel like a step forward?" It's not weird or excessive if it's helping you process everything or giving comfort to you.

Finally (sorry I'm longwinded about this stuff), I think it's okay to not consider R in this. I know I'm the one who has often said in the past to be careful with rainbow kids' feelings (I'm a rainbow after a third tri loss), but this situation is my exception. R already has a stats bear, so now her siblings will too. It's not a situation when she's "measured up" against them because it's not a "quality judgment," it's just a fact that they existed and that Jackson was weighed/measured/etc. at his birth.

[LED]

Dec 3, 2017 7:46:41 GMT -6 hawkward said:

But also we're moms and don't ever want to love one child more, right?

I think this is what gets be the most. So much of my grief and life in general is about just Jackson and Ridley, like they're my two kids that I think about/talk about/whatever. When someone asks how many kids I have I've never even thought to say 11, but I go back and forth on saying 1 or 2. But then when I do stuff like this it's like it reminds me how much I just ignore those babies and it makes me feel pretty shitty.

[hawkward]

Dec 3, 2017 8:06:31 GMT -6 LED said:

Dec 3, 2017 7:46:41 GMT -6 hawkward said:

But also we're moms and don't ever want to love one child more, right?

I think this is what gets be the most. So much of my grief and life in general is about just Jackson and Ridley, like they're my two kids that I think about/talk about/whatever. When someone asks how many kids I have I've never even thought to say 11, but I go back and forth on saying 1 or 2. But then when I do stuff like this it's like it reminds me how much I just ignore those babies and it makes me feel pretty shitty.

I think it's okay to protect yourself however you need to. Ten babies is too much grief. It just is. From the outside looking in, I think Jackson has become representative of that for you. And I think that's perfectly fine and also healthy for you because frankly, with all the milestones that surround a single loss, it would just be impossible for you too feel/maintain that level of intensity. It is not shitty and it is not ignoring, it is surviving and figuring out how to thrive. I cannot emphasize that enough. 



Did you know one of our AL ladies runs an etsy shop that does embroidered bears? I just remembered her this morning. Here's her shop. I imagine she could help you come up with something perfect. 

[LED]

Dec 3, 2017 18:58:35 GMT -6 enchanted said:

I was coming back to recommend the same shop Hawkward did. I think she would be willing to work with you for whatever you want, especially if you tell her who you are. You ran the Miscarriage board so well for so long.

We're FB friends, so I'm pretty sure she remembers me. Lol. I'm just still trying to figure out what I want to do.