Struggling - tell me I'm normal :-(

[oldbaylover1024]

PDQ since I may delete this later.

*** poof for privacy ***

Tl;dr - I'm struggling to feel connect to my son (second rainbow, F17 baby), and don't know if what I'm feeling is normal or if I'm crazy.

[hawkward]

I think what you're going through is to some degree normal, but I think it also wouldn't hurt to talk to your doctor about PPD.

I had a really hard time bonding with DS2 compared to DS1. My kids have a similar age gap too, and I think part of it is one kid is basic a blob and the other is a fully formed interactive little person, so it's easier to feel "connected," and you didn't have that bond to compare to with your first child, KWIM? I think for me, another part of it was that I never really thought we'd get another take home baby, so it was hard to see DS2 as a part of our family for a while. I imagine if he'd have spent time in the NICU, that would have been really compounded.

[Radley]

I would definitely talk to your dr about PPD vs. PPA. The times I felt the most disconnected from my kids were when my depression and anxiety were at their highest. It's definitely worth trying to get some professional help.

[oldbaylover1024]

hawkward - I think you're right. Part of this 'weirdness' is I honestly prepared myself for C to never come home. They told us that was a possibility, so I instantly put my walls up. Maybe I am struggling with incorporating him into our family, even though he's fine. It's like I haven't accepted it's permanent. IDK... that makes me sound crazy.

Radley - You're probably right. I definitely don't feel normal, and my anxiety was at an 11 yesterday for sure. Ugh.

[Radley]

May 31, 2017 11:41:23 GMT -6 oldbaylover1024 said:

hawkward - I think you're right. Part of this 'weirdness' is I honestly prepared myself for C to never come home. They told us that was a possibility, so I instantly put my walls up. Maybe I am struggling with incorporating him into our family, even though he's fine. It's like I haven't accepted it's permanent. IDK... that makes me sound crazy.

Radley - You're probably right. I definitely don't feel normal, and my anxiety was at an 11 yesterday for sure. Ugh.

You are not crazy. You're a scared momma and that is okay. It's normal to be scared and to protect yourself. The pain of losing a child is awful and it doesn't make you crazy or bad to try and protect yourself from that level of pain. It makes you a good mom because you know that pain is unbearable. But I do think that now that C is doing ok, it's time to pay attention to yourself. Definitely reach out and let someone know that your having a hard time moving past those barriers. They want to help. My midwives did. They want you to bond with your baby and they will help. Remember, you are not crazy, you are a good mom. A crazy bad mom wouldn't care as much as you are.

[hawkward]

It doesn't sound crazy at all. Truly. I still feel that way- like I won't get to keep them.

When DS1 was in the hospital a couple of months ago, on the worst night I had this feeling of "well this is it. I got six borrowed years with him."

I'm not sure that feeling ever goes away, but if it feels like it's affecting your day to day life and bonding, then it's worth going to the doctor and maybe some counseling. I went for a while before DS2 was born and it was helpful.

[oldbaylover1024]

Thanks, Radley and hawkward. Your words mean a lot.

The whole other side of this is MH and I. It's like bringing C into our family has really stressed our marriage. Everyone IRL says it's normal, that we'll adjust once everyone is back to work and on a routine. But it's not the same. We argue, we're both exhausted, we're short (with each other - amazingly we haven't been short with the kids). I don't regret C AT ALL, but I also don't feel like we're adjusting well.

We're also pretty isolated from family. My ILs live about an hour away and my family is more like 2, and we don't have regular babysitters. Hell, we haven't done anything without a kid since C came home.

I guess it feels like I'm losing my identity, I feel like my marriage is suffering, and I'm 99% sure MH thinks it's all my fault.

I've gone to counseling in the past and it was beneficial. I'm not sure when to fit it in right now, but I'm definitely going to check out my options tonight.

[caer]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I had a hard time connecting with my first DS (my sunshine kid). He was a really difficult baby - colicky and high needs. I HATED the first 12 weeks of his life. I think it's tough because no one really talks about it but I believe the a lot of people don't feel connected right away for a variety of reasons.

I did end up with PPA with him. I wish I had talked to my doctor sooner, so I would encourage you to reach out to your doctor, too, if you're concerned. In my case, I went on a low dose of Zoloft for a few months and weaned without issue. It made a huge difference.

Lots of (((hugs)))

[boxerific]

Oh friend. I don't have anything to add but I'm glad you got some solid advice here. Please make that call and talk to someone. So many hugs.

[lizblue]

I think you are normal and it can never hurt to be proactive about your health so checking in with a doc sounds good too.

I had trouble bonding with DD from the 3-7month period. She was fussy and there were moments where I had to walk away because I could not stand one more second of screaming. I seriously questioned if it was because we adopted DD and that I would never have that same bond. I questioned whether I was ever even supposed to have children. I don't feel any of this anymore but at the time I knew (rationally) that it was all somewhat normal and it still sucked a lot.

Another anecdote: my sister said having a second kid was like a bomb going off in her life. Her marriage suffered for a bit. But it came back.

All this is to say: you sound normal to me but also it sounds hard. If a quick check in about PPD can potentially help- go for it. Hang in there lady. You're a good mom. Xo

[elsiemae]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't really have any other advice, other than what has been offered. ((Hugs))

ETA: I had a lot of trouble bonding with DD in the beginning. A low dose anti-depressant and some therapy did wonders.

[agpjt413]

Piling on the hugs oldbaylover1024. I don't have anything else to add either. caer is right - I think that it happens more often than not but it's not really talked about. I remember when I was having some tough times with DD, I was thinking to myself whether this was normal as well. What gave me some relief for feeling this way were messages from grads asking how things were going & telling me not to worry b/c "this" does/can happen. Hang in there & definitely find someone to talk to when you get a chance.

[Radley]

DS2 had a lot of eating issues and at the same time DS1's sensory problems were becoming more apparent and severe, so H and I became very distant following DS2's birth and for many months after that. Getting just a few dates alone helped us a lot. And both being willing to accept the other's feelings not just dismissing them because we didn't relate. Maybe if it's at all possible y'all can try a few dates? We don't have a surplus of baby sitters either, so I know how impossible it seems, but it did help us.

[boxerific]

Also, this might be weird since WE haven't even had the chance to even meet yet, but MH and I would be happy to watch the kids sometime even if you wanted to just drive over my way, drop them off and go have lunch or dinner or something small. J & N would have a blast together, I'm sure.

[oldbaylover1024]

Thanks, guys. Seriously.

I'm going to call the OB today to ask if I should see them or go to my GP. I'm assuming the OB, but we'll see what they say. I have a feeling they're going to hug me, tell me this happens, and give me a script for something. Which, frankly, I think I need. FX they don't send me to my GP - I'm still losing baby weight and I have feeling the OB will be much more understanding LOL

Dates are definitely an issue. We're trying to work something out for Sunday, so FX my SIL can watch the kids so MH and I can see a movie or grab a meal. MH also has off one day during the work week. We've been talking about me taking off some of those days, too, so we can have some day-dates. I'm blessed to have a flexible work environment and a WFH option, so I think I may try that.

You are too sweet, boxerific! I imagine J and N would give us a run for our money! LOL

lizblue - Your sister is so right. When C came home, it was literally like a bomb went off. It was even weirder because we didn't bring him home for two weeks, but all the baby stuff and pumping and getting J ready for the baby... all that was happening without C in the house. It was very strange. So when he finally came home, it was like a second explosion - another person in the house, people visiting CONSTANTLY for WEEKS, trying to keep a routine... it was nuts.

[Radley]

[megrae12]

I'm way late, but I'm pulling on hugs and thinking of you. Two kids is a lot, no matter how prepared you are. Take care of yourself, Sweetie. 💙

[unringthebell]

Hugs woman. I agree with everyone else.

And just want to say H and I are had a hard time adjusting to 2. As far as finding time for each other. It gets better.

[gratefulgirl]

DD2 was an intense baby. She has an intense personality (like her parents and unlike her big sister). She had refluxand gas. She was angry at the world until she could walk. We can look back now that she is a fun loving, joyous toddler and agree that she was "hard to love" (a phrase I, DH, and our nanny have all used). Everyone who knew her as a baby agreed. Given the reflux and gas she didn't sleep for months, the worst being 3-4 months (always the worst for baby sleep in our house). I had a sort of instinctive love for DD2 but it took a long time to come into its own because most of my time was spent just trying to stop the screaming.

At the same time DH dealt with tinnitus, untreated insomnia, and other health issues. I was at my limit trying to do everything. It is not an exaggeration to say that there were a few weekends where the presence of my parents helping out kept the adults in my family alive. It was that bad.

I don't know what is "normal," but I do know hard happens. I also know you can get through. Somehow even though DD3 is fairly intense herself it was a lot easier to adjust to her. But the big thing is that if you don't feel ok, get help. Outsource your household chores if you can so you can get time as a family, a couple, and alone.

Also I think some of your lack of anxiety might be normal. I agonized about the nanny with DD1. With DD2 I knew how positive the nanny experience was and was happy for her to get that interaction. I have worried less about transitions with each kid. DH, the family worrier, does too. It's not about lack of bonding there, just about confidence in your parenting.

((Hugs)). Again, you know best if you are feeling not ok. And if you need help please get it. This stuff is hard. But it is survivable. And you have time to bond with your little guy. DD2 has no idea we thought she was a challenge - she just knows the love and joy we share with her now.

[sarcaztic10]

I am really really late but I am sending you (((hugs))) I had a lot of trouble with DS1 and loved with a ton of anxiety for a very long time. You are so strong and obviously care very deeply about C since you are asking us if your feelings are normal and are looking for help.

I will also echo others that having another kid and working in them in to our life has been really really hard. H and I just still haven't gone out without the kids. Everything is still a work in progress too. H and I do try to take time, even if it's just 15 minutes, after the kids are in bed to sit and talk or just watch something on TV to decompress and reconnect. Our family lives far away too so date nights are hard to come by for us as well.

[addymac]

Just lurking but wanted to send hugs 💛

[oldbaylover1024]

Jun 3, 2017 3:36:02 GMT -6 addymac said:

Just lurking but wanted to send hugs 💛

Thanks, dear. I think about you a lot! Hope you're doing well!!!

Sent from my VS987 using Tapatalk

[boxerific]

oldbaylover1024 did you guys get to go out yesterday? Let us know how you're doing. <3

[oldbaylover1024]

I keep saying it, but thanks, everyone! And thanks for following up on me, boxerific

MH and I did end up having a day-date yesterday, which was so nice. We dropped the kids off and went to a craft brew place that has amazing food. Even better - we were the only ones there since the place didn't open until noon! We had the bartender to ourselves, watched some baseball at the bar, and took our time. We planned to go play mini-golf, but the course closed (boo), so we wandered around Target for a while with our Star.bucks. It was so nice to just have some time to ourselves.

And we agreed it has to become priority. Even if it means scheduling these dates months in advance, we need the time together. I may start taking a day off during the week to spend the day with MH (he gets a weekday off each week).

I also talked to my OB and he was very supportive. After we talked, he agreed that we'd follow in about 2 weeks to see how I'm feeling. I just stopped BFing, C just started DC today, I just started my period again (TMI - sorry), and he wants me to be comfortable taking an antidepressant again. I was on one years ago and the side effects were not great. He's going to call in about 2 weeks and see how I'm feeling. If I feel the need to follow up sooner, he said not to hesitate and he has a script waiting for me. I'm comfortable with this plan.

Talking it out here and IRL with MH and OB was helpful. I know my hormones are CRAZY right now, so hopefully once my body calms down I can figure out where to go from here.

[Radley]

Jun 5, 2017 7:24:07 GMT -6 oldbaylover1024 said:

I keep saying it, but thanks, everyone! And thanks for following up on me, boxerific

MH and I did end up having a day-date yesterday, which was so nice. We dropped the kids off and went to a craft brew place that has amazing food. Even better - we were the only ones there since the place didn't open until noon! We had the bartender to ourselves, watched some baseball at the bar, and took our time. We planned to go play mini-golf, but the course closed (boo), so we wandered around Target for a while with our Star.bucks. It was so nice to just have some time to ourselves.

And we agreed it has to become priority. Even if it means scheduling these dates months in advance, we need the time together. I may start taking a day off during the week to spend the day with MH (he gets a weekday off each week).

I also talked to my OB and he was very supportive. After we talked, he agreed that we'd follow in about 2 weeks to see how I'm feeling. I just stopped BFing, C just started DC today, I just started my period again (TMI - sorry), and he wants me to be comfortable taking an antidepressant again. I was on one years ago and the side effects were not great. He's going to call in about 2 weeks and see how I'm feeling. If I feel the need to follow up sooner, he said not to hesitate and he has a script waiting for me. I'm comfortable with this plan.

Talking it out here and IRL with MH and OB was helpful. I know my hormones are CRAZY right now, so hopefully once my body calms down I can figure out where to go from here.

That's a good update! I hope things keep moving forward in positive way that you are comfortable with. It definitely sounds like a day out helped, maybe not just with your relationship with your H but also to just get away from the stressors. Keep us updated on how you are doing! I know I'll be wanting to know how you're feeling. I'm glad your OB is being so understanding too.

[chknma]

Happy to hear a positive update! Glad you had some time with your husband and you have a good plan with your OB.

[hawkward]

I'm glad to see such a good update!

[agpjt413]

Yay for an awesome update oldbaylover1024!!

[unringthebell]

I'm glad you too had a good date! With stopping BFing and getting a PP period your hormones are definitely all over the place. I hope things level off for you soon. And taking a day off regularly to spend with your H sounds like a great idea if you can swing it.

[eliz77]

I'm just finding this thread and wanted to send ((hugs))!!! I hope you do stick to date nights to give you a break and something to look forward to with H. I actually just recommended that to my H-we've prob only had like 6 nights out in 2.5 years and it does take its toll-both mentally and on a relationship.

As for the bonding part-I remember feeling a little like that in the early days, like a "protecting myself" sort of defense. I remember trying to be rational and saying,"it's just hormones..." while convincing those around me I was stressing over BF (which was a failure and probably all related). It is so tough.

My sister went through similar emotions as I did and I strongly encouraged her to talk to her Dr as I felt if was PPD. She did and is fine now. It's very hard...AL is such a MF.

All this to say, it does happen and it sucks and you need to take care of you first. You are a wonderful mom and your baby is thriving, you need to as well!!