Managing Loss Anxiety After Missed Miscarriage

[officedronette]

I know everyone seems split amongst a variety of boards right now, but I think this is where folks have ultimately landed? Hopefully?

Anyways, I'm struggling with managing the particular anxiety that I think stems from the fact that my miscarriage was a missed miscarriage, in that I have difficulty trusting that everything is proceeding as it should, because it didn't before, and my body didn't really provide any clear warning that things were awry.

My office said they would fit me in for a Doppler check whenever I needed, and I might call. But I'm not so much struggling with any acute feeling that something is wrong, just a sort of generalized anxiety/distrust of my body.

Aside from the mantras, has anyone found any coping strategies effective for this particular sort of anxiety/experience?

For example, I feel uneasy telling my partners at work about the pregnancy, without having received confirmation of a heartbeat like that day, because what if I'm no longer pregnant and I don't know it? The rational part of my brain says that's ridiculous, the chances of something like that happening again given all the good scans and test results with this pregnancy are very low. But the loss part of me keeps saying "fool me once, shame on you, feel me twice, shame on me." I'm really having trouble shaking that.


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[meladorie]

I second the Doppler idea. I would have lost my mind without it. Otherwise, no real ideas. But I totally relate to how you're feeling. It's such a mindfuck.

[cali]

God I wish I had some great advice for you. I can only say I went through and am going through the same feelings. I haven't found a good way to deal with it other than taking it day by day. Even with feeling movement every day now, I start to feel like something is wrong if I haven't felt a kick in the past hour or so. I hate it and it's so hard and I hate that you're going through it too.

ETA: I do have a doppler and it helped a bit in the pre-movement days but I also would get bad anxiety just before checking with the doppler too.

[jules1614]

I could have written this word for word. I keep thinking once I feel consistent movement I'll feel better and have put off buying a Doppler for this reason. But I'm not going to be able to "hide" this much longer and dread telling anyone without being positive everything is okay still... I'm sorry and big hugs!

[addymac]

💜 I understand your feelings- I also had a MMC and it was over 2 weeks of not knowing the baby was dead and I was trucking along, oblivious. The only thing that helped calm me down was the anatomy scan. And then I started feeling movement about a week later, so now the movement keeps my anxiety of a dead baby at bay (but doesn't help with the fear of future unknowns / bad things happening). I would suggest getting a doppler- I didn't and I really wish I had, because I've heard from other ladies here that it really does help. I was a stressed out mess at home constantly until the a/s and hid my pregnancy from everyone. I don't know if that feeling of "my body failed me so I can't trust it or depend on it" will ever go away 😕 I still have it when I think of the rest of the pregnancy (labor, delivery, etc).

Sending hugs.

[thinkchocolate05]

I mostly post on Aug 2017 but really wanted to respond to your post. I have felt and still sometimes feel the same way with my previous pregnancy a mmc at 8-10 weeks that I didn't find out about until 13 weeks. Honestly, like others have said, I don't have any great advice bc it's still something I struggle with frequently when I don't feel consistent movement. The PGAL mantras helped me some. I also tried to prevent myself from reading sad posts online when I was most worried.

This sounds weird, but I also kept telling myself that I worried and worried last time and the worst happened, so what is the point of worrying again. I can't control the future, so I may as well do my best to turn off the worrying, which is nearly impossible sometimes. I don't know if that even makes sense but it helped me a little. I never got a home Doppler bc I knew I would flip out if I couldn't find the hb right away, but so many people swear by them--it may help you. Best of luck and creepy internet stranger hugs.

[officedronette]

Thanks everyone! thinkchocolate05 - I'm glad you posted. That's very much how I felt about my first pregnancy. I had been worried the whole time that something horrible would happen, and then it did, and I felt just as horrible as I'd imagine I would have felt if I hadn't spent all that time worrying.

I'm worried that my stress management response seems to consist mostly of trying not to get too attached or think too far into the future, because that seems too similar to worrying all the time that something bad will happen. I'm really trying to find a place where I embrace the joy.

I ended up scheduling a Doppler check for Tuesday. Then it will only be another two weeks until my next appointment and we can go from there. My weekly appointments were really helping to keep my anxiety in check and I wish I could go back to them.

I think I need to avoid the Doppler. I am not confident I could find the heartbeat and if I could not I would panic completely and that would be not at all good.

I made it through another week at work without telling anyone besides my two close friends who have known since before week four because they guessed (having known we were trying). We will see what I end up doing next week.


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[officedronette]

Sorry for my crazy long dear diary. TL;DR - still having feelings, still working through them and vomiting them out online.


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[ajetter]

Jun 2, 2017 16:13:14 GMT -6 officedronette said:

Sorry for my crazy long dear diary. TL;DR - still having feelings, still working through them and vomiting them out online.


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I word vomit a lot online. If it helps keep you a little more sane IRL, word vomit away.

Because I had a Doppler I caught my MC just a few days after it happened. But I always wonder if I didn't have it, would I have gone weeks without knowing? PgAL is so hard.

[officedronette]

Thanks ajetter. Hugs. Loss all sucks, no matter when, no matter how, it seems to leave a scar.


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[Waffle]

I can completely relate. I had 2 missed miscarriages, at 8 and 9 weeks and the fact that I had no idea it happened until the dr told me made me really anxious for this pregnancy.

What sort of helped so far (on top of the weekly checks) is taking it week by week. Now I'm over the loss milestones, my goalpost has moved to the genetic testing, which I'll admit is scaring the hell out of me.

I also did not tell anyone about the previous pregnancies or didn't really post on boards until they had stopped so I figured I might as well take the support and well wishes while things are going well this time.

Like thinkchocolate05 said, the worrying did not prevent anything before so I try to push it back. The fact that our closest friends know helps me feel positive about it all.

Sending hugs.

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