TTCAL 10/31

[MsG]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive, after a loss, every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.


If you get a BFP, kindly either spoiler alert it or do not post it here at all.


**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**



How are you doing?



Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):



Diagnosis (if applicable):



Updates/questions:



Debbie downer (a place to vent ) :



QOTW : What are your Halloween plans?

[MsG]

How are you doing? Honestly, not good. I am crying every 5 minutes, and I want nothing more than to crawl into my closet and stay there for months on end at the moment.


Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC



Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS for me, low motility for DH




Updates/questions: I got a surprise (like really, really surprise) BFP right before an appointment with a fertility clinic in August. We were thrilled, and when we made it to 12 weeks, we were ecstatic. But jokes on us because at our 12 week appointment, we found out the baby's heart had stopped. Had to have a D&C last week and I am honestly a mess right now.



Debbie downer (a place to vent ) : I'm just in a really dark place about all of this. The thought of starting over again, and knowing now how hard it actually is to conceive, is completely overwhelming me.



QOTW : What are your Halloween plans? The hubs and I are hanging out at home and hoping to get trick or treaters. It'll be my first year not going out somewhere for Halloween, and we just moved to a new neighborhood, so I don't really know what to expect. But I bought a ton of candy, and I'm doing the Teal Pumpkin Project so I also have toys for kids. Really hoping we get enough to make me not have to pity eat a bunch of candy and hang glow bracelets all over my house.

[notmoose]

MsG I am so so very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in August and I still have horrible days almost 3 months later. Be kind to yourself, it's okay to feel however you feel. Big hugs, I'm so sorry.

[notmoose]

How are you doing? I'm okay. I still have bad days, but I'm trying to be ok.



Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): ttc



Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a



Updates/questions: I O'd this cycle. FF confirmed today. It was really early, CD 12. I'm naively hopeful for this cycle and if I don't get a bfp I'm afraid I'll spiral back down.



Debbie downer (a place to vent ) : *trigger warning pregnancy mentioned* sorry idk how to spoiler on tapa

My little sister is due in 6.5 weeks. I go back and forth on being so excited for my nephew and being so angry and jealous. November will be 1 year since we started ttc and her pregnancy was unplanned. I would never wish anything bad to happen but I struggle with feeling like it's so unfair and why couldn't I still be pregnant? And she recently told me her boyfriend doesn't want me in the room or to stay with her after the baby is born like she had asked me to a few months ago. My feelings are really hurt.



QOTW : What are your Halloween plans?
Idk, probably nothing. We did a trunk or treat at my stepdads church this past weekend. It's cold and there's nowhere good to go. We might just call it good and skip TOTing tonight.

[MsG]

notmoose,Thanks, I'm trying to cut myself some slack, but it's so hard. And I hate crying at work, which I have now done at multiple points. This is my second loss, so I remember the roller coaster from the first one. Even after a year I had bad days. But I don't recall struggling to contain my emotions publicly as much the first time around.

I'd say that your feelings of anger are normal as well. I had a similar situation with my best friend, and I had such a hard time not being angry with her. It wasn't her fault, but feelings aren't always rational. The injustice of it all is so incredibly frustrating.

[sunshiney]

How are you doing? Much, much better since I finally ovulated. Feeling more balanced and hopeful.


Status 1st month TTC with DH!


Diagnosis: RPL with no explanation after testing


Updates/questions: Trying to prepare myself and DH for if we experience a loss (my earlier losses were in a past marriage). He's the type to not get his hopes up so as not to be disappointed. I expect I'll be a nervous wreck if/when we get a BFP. I asked if he'd be willing, for me, to let himself get excited as if the baby is really going to be born safely instead of be like, well we're still in Tri1 so let's not get too excited yet or something. He said he's happy to try his best. I would really want him validating my feels, but still staying positive if possible, because I'm hoping both of us could enjoy the joy the pregnancy as much as possible.


Debbie downer: The feeling of rushing through life, waiting to ovulate and then waiting to test and wanting the time to pass as quickly as possible, doesn't feel like the best way to live life to the fullest. I wish it was different and it feels discouraging that even if/when we get that BFP we will still just be living for the future and wanting to get to the final successful result until we have a rainbow baby.


QOTW : What are your Halloween plans? I was out for PT and then couples counseling last night on Halloween, but got a few trick-or-treaters later that evening. They helped with eating up the chocolate that I don't want in the house now that we're on a good health kick.

MsG That is so sad, I am so sorry for your loss, especially for what a shock it must have been. It's frustrating that there's no way out except through. And when it's hard to get PG in the first place it can be that much more frightening. Saying a prayer for your peace and comfort and I hope your rainbow is right around the corner! Also, I hope there were lots of trick-or-treaters to help eat all that candy and you are not tempted to have more than a little treat.

notmoose As hard as that naive hope can be I am glad you are experiencing some, and I hope that it does not disappoint!
**TW**
The timing sucks so bad when those we love are having LOs (especially unplanned) while we're going through this, it makes everything hard and not what we wanted. Please excuse me while I TP that BF, how is it his business? That's your sister. Ugh.

[notmoose]

sunshiney I guess I can kind of understand he wants it to just be them. But I have hurt feelings regardless. Previously she said she wanted me in there, now she doesn't. And feom what she's told me he is not good with blood and comforting someone in pain... so I was going to be there to support her. But I guess that's her choice. It hurts, but I can't force her to let me be there.

Eta: MH is the opposite of yours. He tends to always thibk on the bright side and always thinks things will turn out fine. So he kind of ignores my pessimist reactions and just tells me "it will be fine". I hope for a bfp for you and that you're both able to enjoy your future pregnancy.

[MsG]

sunshiney, Thank you. I'm trying so hard to remember that it will get easier with time. I just need to keep moving until it doesn't feel so hard to crawl out of bed in the morning.

TW - LC



notmoose, It's not quite the same, but when my bestie gave birth (she was just one month ahead of my pregnancy in my first loss), I had planned to visit her in the hospital and then she wasn't up for visitors. I was so angry about it. It felt like a double slap right when I should have been preparing for my own birth. But the first time I went to visit her at home, I found it difficult to even be in the room with her and the baby. So in hindsight, perhaps it was good I didn't visit the hospital. It's really all impossibly hard no matter what. You'll feel feelings of anger, sadness, even moments when you don't think about it. It's all completely normal and nothing to feel bad about.

[Radley]

MsG I’m so sorry for your loss. So many hugs and T&P’s for you.

[MsG]

Radley, Thank you. Sorry to see us both here, but it's nice to see a familiar face.

[Radley]

MsG it really is nice “seeing” you. I got benched so I have no idea where all the other GKU ladies are at and all. But I’m really sorry you find yourself here. Take extra care of yourself.

[Radley]

notmoose TW OPP

SPOILER: Click to show

my little sis is expecting (unplanned) too and I completely understand that excitement and frustration and just overall confused emotions. I’m so very sorry for all that is going on. Creepy internet hugs girl

sunshiney congrats on ovulating (weird congrats I know). And I’m really hoping for a quick BFP for you and a sticky baby (is that an okay term? I’m not sure).

[Radley]

How are you doing? Once this stomach virus lets up, I’ll let you knew.



Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched



Diagnosis (if applicable): PID related fertility problems, swollen spleen, liver disease.



Updates/questions: 4 1/2 months left until we can do repeat scans to see if I’m any healthier.



Debbie downer (a place to vent ) : it feels like time is simultaneously dragging by and zooming past. How that is, I have no idea. And I’m just feeling frustrated and stuck.



QOTW : What are your Halloween plans? Eh we were sick, so we just stayed home and tried not to puke.

[notmoose]

Radley thank you. Hugs to you too, it's tough.

[notmoose]

Why can I go a while of great days and being fine and then all of a sudden it hits me like a truck and I'm crying all day? This fucking sucks and I hate feeling so horrible and there's nothing I can do.

I never knew loss felt this bad and for this long. I knew it had to be hard, but I didn't know how hard.

[akwild]

This is my first time posting here. We had a miscarriage in August. I was about 9 weeks. So instead of preparing to meet my new students at meet the teacher night I was scheduled for a d&c.

How are you doing? I honestly don’t know. I go back and forth between wanting to try again and just sad. I keep thinking about how far along I should be and the milestones I should be having. But I’m not there. I’m at the beginning again.



Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): I guess NTNP



Diagnosis (if applicable):



Updates/questions:
I’ve started my 2nd cycle since my D&c. The have both been super light and like 2 days. I’m so confused about what my body is doing.


Debbie downer (a place to vent ) :

[sammysam]

This is my first time posting here too (hi akwild).

We found out at 10 weeks that baby had stopped growing (this was the first day of school...I'm a teacher so going back to work the next day was fun). I started to miscarry at 11 weeks. Two weeks later things started to taper off so I thought it was finally done...nope. That night I hemorrhaged, almost bled out, ended up in the hospital for emergency surgery and a week long hospital stay (this was at the end of September). I'm home now and on iron pills for the foreseeable future.

How are you doing? OK. Physically still getting dizzy more often than normal...but ok.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Just got the all clear to start TTC again. We'll be starting next cycle (I'm already past my FW for this cycle).

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent ) : I lost it at my appointment on Friday. It was at the hospital where I had my ultrasounds and where I went when I hemorrhaged. Seeing all the pregnant people waiting for their appointments and knowing that I should have been there soon for my AS but instead was there to talk about the "pathology of products of conception" and to find out if we could try again...I don't know. SO started talking to the doctor about the night we came in and I just started sobbing.

QOTW : We stayed close to home.

[akwild]

sammysam I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your pregnancy as well. Hopefully our journey forward will be smooth and super uneventful.

[sammysam]

akwild I have everything crossed for both of us that we'll get back to a BMB soon and stay there, uneventfully, the entire 9 months:)

I hope you're doing better. It sucks having to be here but it's nice to have a familiar face going through this again.

[sunshiney]

Double post

[sunshiney]

notmoose I'm so sorry, grief is so unpredictable and such a roller coaster. I hope you are able to find more peace with your loss as time passes and that soon the sadness won't come as intensely.

sammysam oh wow, I can't imagine what it was like to go back to that hospital. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you've been cleared to TTC again and hope you have a rainbow very soon!

akwild ugh the waiting game is obnoxious. I hope your remaining time on the bench passes quickly and ends of being personally fulfilling for you somehow! And yes I will always take well wishes for a sticky baby!!

Radley I'm so sorry for your loss. As far as your lighter periods, my AF is never longer than 2-2.5 days and never heavy enough to fill a pad more than once a day... But that is normal for me and the doctor has said it's related to my borderline anemic iron levels, my body tries to reabsorb what it can. Maybe your body is recovering from the loss but your ovulating and all is back on track?

[notmoose]

akwild I'm very sorry for your loss. I had a loss in August as well. I share a lot of your feelings.

Did you have 20 straight days of no bleeding or spotting before AF? I've read multiple articles that say it's not truly your AF until you've gone 20 days.

[notmoose]

sunshiney thank you.

sammysam so sorry for your loss.

[akwild]

Yes notmoose this one came after cd 25 and the first was 8 weeks post D&c. So I do believe that it’s af. It’s just not my previous “normal”.

[MsG]

akwild, I'm so sorry for your loss. My cycles changed after my first loss. I had a year between that loss and my next pregnancy, and in that time, they remained changed. Not sure how this loss will/will not impact my cycle yet, as I haven't yet had another af since. Hang in there. The whole thing is a total mindfuck.



sammysam, I'm sorry for your loss, and having to return to the hospital. It's so incredibly hard to discuss losses without tears.