Anyone transitioning to SAH?

[cp3]

Mh and I decided once this baby is born that I'm going to SAH. I didn't with my daughter due to finances but now we are in a position for me to do so. A lot of this decision has to do with my work load and the stress and anxiety it causes me in addition to caring for a newborn.

I was hoping to wait until end of November/early December to tell my boss so I could help hire and train my replacement. But my boss keeps bringing up my leave and wants to meet next week to go over hiring someone while I'm gone on leave so I'm not sure if I should tell him now or put it off for another month.

Is anyone else transitioning to SAH? How far in advance are you giving your boss notice?

[babybean]

I trained/left notes for my replacement and did as best I could in that regard. I didn’t tell my bosses I wasn’t coming back until I was on leave already. We get a year off here and I ended up having to move farther away so returning even if I wanted to wouldn’t have worked.

Are you getting 12 weeks off? What kind of rapport do you have with your boss? You don’t want to burn bridges (obviously), but I know some people don’t have the best work environments so I wouldn’t want you to tell too soon and have a hard couple of months stress wise leading up to the birth.

[cp3]

babybean I don't get any paid leave. With my daughter I took 10 weeks unpaid and when I first told him I was pregnant I mentioned taking 3 months this time which would all be unpaid. But Mh and I have talked more and decided it's best for all of us if I leave permanently.

I've been here over 8 years and work for my uncle so that complicates things. Our office is really small and I have only one co-worker who doesn't know much about my job. And I basically run everything for my boss so I wanted to be able train my replacement so things aren't a disaster when I leave. Part of me also wants to take my leave and tell him after so I get my 3 weeks of vacation paid while I'm out because I have a feeling if I tell him before my vacation resets in January he won't give it to me. I'm very conflicted.

Eta: we don't have the best working relationship either so it makes things a bit difficult so I wanted to give notice more so out of loyalty and so my replacement isn't screwed.

[dizzycooks]

Since it’s unpaid, will you be carrying any benefits during your leave? If not, I’d just wait until 6-8 weeks into your leave and then tell them. If for some reason something changes between now and then you still have your job and you’ll have a small taste of being home with two kids.

[dizzycooks]

I took two and a half years leave of absence and my dh is adamant that I return to teaching next fall. Our finances work, but they don’t love me being home. So I guess I’m in the opposite boat, I’ve been home for two and a half years and I’ll be transitioning back when this new baby is 4 mo.

[babybean]

Oct 9, 2017 14:20:21 GMT -6 cp3 said:

babybean I don't get any paid leave. With my daughter I took 10 weeks unpaid and when I first told him I was pregnant I mentioned taking 3 months this time which would all be unpaid. But Mh and I have talked more and decided it's best for all of us if I leave permanently.

I've been here over 8 years and work for my uncle so that complicates things. Our office is really small and I have only one co-worker who doesn't know much about my job. And I basically run everything for my boss so I wanted to be able train my replacement so things aren't a disaster when I leave. Part of me also wants to take my leave and tell him after so I get my 3 weeks of vacation paid while I'm out because I have a feeling if I tell him before my vacation resets in January he won't give it to me. I'm very conflicted.

Honestly, in a typical situation where you’re leaving you only have to give 2 weeks notice, right? Either way you’re going to work on training someone for your leave even if it’s only the 12 weeks, so you’re not leaving them high and dry. I think we feel an over heightened sense of responsibility and obligation with work/pregnancy as women. I would act as if you’re coming back and notify them later that it’s not something that will work. You’re allowed to change your mind. Maybe that’s side eye worthy advice but it’s still more than the average 2 weeks you’d give under different circumstances.

[cp3]

Oct 9, 2017 14:25:23 GMT -6 dizzycooks said:

Since it’s unpaid, will you be carrying any benefits during your leave? If not, I’d just wait until 6-8 weeks into your leave and then tell them. If for some reason something changes between now and then you still have your job and you’ll have a small taste of being home with two kids.

I have no benefits through my work since it's such a small company. Everything is through Mh. My boss' plan is to hire an intern while I'm gone which is why I want to give my notice before I leave so I can train someone that will fully take over instead of an intern.

[sweetc129]

I will be. DH and I decided prior to TTC#3 that it would be best for our family for me to stay at home if we had a third. Technically my boss knows (ETA: He asked to let a couple people know but this isn't public knowledge in the office), but I haven't given my official notice (which will be given at least 2 months prior). There are a number of reasons for this that wouldn't apply to anybody else.

1. I have worked for the president of this company for almost 10 years and if I ever plan to go back into the work force in any real professional capacity I need a killer reference and want to be as respectful going out as I can.
2. My mother is gravely ill and I'm her caretaker, they have given me many unpaid days and no questions asked time. They have gone above and beyond what I would expect an employer to do for an employee in my situation.
3. I work in public accounting and I'm due in March, I don't want to be a dick and screw them over. Since you know April 15th is a big deal and all I want to make sure they have more than enough time to get somebody into my position and properly trained prior to the deadline.
4. He asked if I was coming back when I told him I was pregnant, and I knew he would so I made the decision early on to be honest. He really really appreciated it and we are working together to make a transition plan. He knows this is not my official notice and I still have 5 months before I'm due and things can change, so nothing will be done until I give my word.

[cp3]

sweetc129 I work for a CPA and while my primary job isn't in accounting I do help out on that side during tax season which is why I also don't want to leave them scrambling at that time. My boss is also a financial advisor and my job responsibilities are focused on that side of his business. I want to leave with someone that knows enough of my job to be able to do it without my boss and co-worker having to step in and wasting their time during the end of tax season.

[Rama]

I wish I was, but I carry our insurance, so it's highly unlikely I'll get to transition with this kid.  Unless MrRama somehow gets an amazing job with great benefits, I'll probably stay where I am for at least a year after babe is born, to get vested.  Then we'll reassess.

[calendula]

I am not, but its standard professional courtesy to notify them of your intent not to return well before you take your leave. I would absolutely NOT wait until you are on leave to quit. First, it puts your employer in the lurch, but more significantly, it reflects poorly on all women who request maternity leave and contributes to this (unfair) expectation that female employees screw over their bosses. Plus, depending on your state labor laws and particular employer, if you draw benefits at all during your leave, you may be required to compensate your employer afterwards, since employers often cover their share of health insurance (for example) under the expectation that their employee will return.

That its your uncle that you would be screwing over kind of makes that a no-brainer. I would tell him sooner rather than later, particularly if he is bringing up coverage for your leave. You should be entitled to cashing in on unused PTO, so by all means make that request in writing and research your options for pursuing that if it becomes a problem. I personally don't think the solution to preventing him from screwing you is to screw him first. The best you can do is be a professional, document everything, and know your rights.

[Rama]

Oct 10, 2017 7:37:18 GMT -6 calendula said:

I am not, but its standard professional courtesy to notify them of your intent not to return well before you take your leave. I would absolutely NOT wait until you are on leave to quit. First, it puts your employer in the lurch, but more significantly, it reflects poorly on all women who request maternity leave and contributes to this (unfair) expectation that female employees screw over their bosses. Plus, depending on your state labor laws and particular employer, if you draw benefits at all during your leave, you may be required to compensate your employer afterwards, since employers often cover their share of health insurance (for example) under the expectation that their employee will return.

That its your uncle that you would be screwing over kind of makes that a no-brainer. I would tell him sooner rather than later, particularly if he is bringing up coverage for your leave. You should be entitled to cashing in on unused PTO, so by all means make that request in writing and research your options for pursuing that if it becomes a problem. I personally don't think the solution to preventing him from screwing you is to screw him first. The best you can do is be a professional, document everything, and know your rights.

I'm...not exactly on your bench with this.

I'll agree that it's more professional and favorable for your employer for you to say that you're planning to leave before you actually do.  But I don't think it's the onus of a woman to tiptoe around a poor working relationship, even with family, just so that she doesn't "reflect poorly on all women".  If your boss is going to reflect poorly on all women for you doing what you need to do for your family, it's not you that's the problem.  In many cases, the exact reason that women decide not to say anything until they're already on leave is because if they say anything beforehand, their worklife goes to shit.  In this case, that's something that cp3 needs to think about and not really something we should ignore when making strong yes/no statements.

That said, she will need to figure out what her employer's policy is regarding leaving while on leave, as you said.  It may be that any benefits she takes advantage of while on leave will have to be reimbursed.  I'd look into that, cp3.  It could factor into your decision.

I also don't think she's planning to screw her employer.  She's purposefully said that she wants to help train her replacement out of loyalty, implying (or maybe even stating earlier, I didn't re-read every post) that she would come back in come capacity either during or after her leave which speaks to me that she does want to work on training the temp or whoever they're hiring well before she leaves (can you tell I read back?).  That hardly sounds like screwing from her.  On the other hand, if their working relationship is contentious, it's possible for them to just make up some bullshit and fire her out of nowhere.  I don't know if things are that bad, but again, that's a factor that will probably weigh in to her decision.

I guess my tl;dr was that having the opinion of "you should say something instead of leave on leave" is fine, but putting the responsibility of professionalism over her comfort or safety is what kinda made me pause.  She shouldn't be shamed or judged for choosing to leave during leave.  It happens for a ton of reasons and we can't possibly make snap judgements on her situation.  Maybe it would be fine, maybe not.  But that's not something we can possibly know.

[sweetc129]

Oct 10, 2017 7:37:18 GMT -6 calendula said:

I am not, but its standard professional courtesy to notify them of your intent not to return well before you take your leave. I would absolutely NOT wait until you are on leave to quit. First, it puts your employer in the lurch, but more significantly, it reflects poorly on all women who request maternity leave and contributes to this (unfair) expectation that female employees screw over their bosses. Plus, depending on your state labor laws and particular employer, if you draw benefits at all during your leave, you may be required to compensate your employer afterwards, since employers often cover their share of health insurance (for example) under the expectation that their employee will return.

That its your uncle that you would be screwing over kind of makes that a no-brainer. I would tell him sooner rather than later, particularly if he is bringing up coverage for your leave. You should be entitled to cashing in on unused PTO, so by all means make that request in writing and research your options for pursuing that if it becomes a problem. I personally don't think the solution to preventing him from screwing you is to screw him first. The best you can do is be a professional, document everything, and know your rights.

I do also know women who did plan to return but once on leave realized it was better for their family to stay at home. It isn't always cut and dry. Yes I know people who purposefully took advantage of the system, but I think there are always factors in this decision. I agree it is professional courtesy, but if I have a dick boss who treats employees like shit I'd probable be more likely to do an F you I'll quit 2 weeks before my leave is up.

[sweetc129]

Rama, I ended up enjoying being a working mom way more than I expected. I loved the routine and the kids adapted so well to the schedule and loved our daycare situation. I hope you find a good balance that you actually like if you are not able to stay at home. It is hard at first, but it really isn't as bad as you think. Being sick and taking the kids to daycare while I go back home and rest is amazing. Plus if DH and I struggle to get a babysitter we both take a vacation day and have a day date..awesome!! There are many things I will miss when I stay at home. I think there are pros and cons to each situation.

[calendula]

Rama, its not my intent to shame anyone. Obviously there are a million factors that we could never know, particularly given the familial relationship. All we are asked is to give advice given the limited information shared here, and looking at what OP has shared, I still think the best thing to do is be above the fray and extend that measure of professional respect to the employer. She said nothing about being concerned for her safety.

Maybe that means giving her final notice closer to her due date, and not now, but on the specific topic of quitting on leave, I do believe that generally its an unprofessional thing to do when your intent all along has been to quit permanently. Extenuating circumstances may require it anyway of course (had she mentioned safety concerns, that would certainly be a game changer), but as a general rule I think it shouldn't be the default move for someone seeking a professional and courteous exit.

I'm not unsympathetic to women being fucked over by employers because of pregnancy. It happened to me during my first pregnancy, and I totally get how unfair it is and sometimes there is nothing a woman can do to prevent it. But as someone who was on the receiving end of that bullshit at one time in my life and now as an employer, I do think its important for women to establish and maintain their professional value outside of the accommodations they request for pregnancy/babies. To be able to say, without a shadow of doubt, that "I did everything right and was a valuable employee, so clearly your actions are retribution for my pregnancy" not only builds a better case in a discrimination claim or labor dispute, but gives a sense of personal satisfaction too.

[Rama]

Oct 10, 2017 9:30:18 GMT -6 sweetc129 said:

Rama , I ended up enjoying being a working mom way more than I expected. I loved the routine and the kids adapted so well to the schedule and loved our daycare situation. I hope you find a good balance that you actually like if you are not able to stay at home. It is hard at first, but it really isn't as bad as you think. Being sick and taking the kids to daycare while I go back home and rest is amazing. Plus if DH and I struggle to get a babysitter we both take a vacation day and have a day date..awesome!! There are many things I will miss when I stay at home. I think there are pros and cons to each situation.

Thank you for this, I need all the good stories to make me feel better.

It's been my idea/dream/whatever since I was a baby myself that I would be a SAHM.  Letting go of that future/reality/whatever is just kinda hard for me, but I also know it's not realistic for our family right now.  It also doesn't help that I'm not exactly married to my job and think about quitting all the time as-is, so my strong SAH feelings and the leaving feelings are both beating me up inside.

[calendula]

Oct 10, 2017 9:27:08 GMT -6 sweetc129 said:

Oct 10, 2017 7:37:18 GMT -6 calendula said:

I am not, but its standard professional courtesy to notify them of your intent not to return well before you take your leave. I would absolutely NOT wait until you are on leave to quit. First, it puts your employer in the lurch, but more significantly, it reflects poorly on all women who request maternity leave and contributes to this (unfair) expectation that female employees screw over their bosses. Plus, depending on your state labor laws and particular employer, if you draw benefits at all during your leave, you may be required to compensate your employer afterwards, since employers often cover their share of health insurance (for example) under the expectation that their employee will return.

That its your uncle that you would be screwing over kind of makes that a no-brainer. I would tell him sooner rather than later, particularly if he is bringing up coverage for your leave. You should be entitled to cashing in on unused PTO, so by all means make that request in writing and research your options for pursuing that if it becomes a problem. I personally don't think the solution to preventing him from screwing you is to screw him first. The best you can do is be a professional, document everything, and know your rights.

I do also know women who did plan to return but once on leave realized it was better for their family to stay at home. It isn't always cut and dry. Yes I know people who purposefully took advantage of the system, but I think there are always factors in this decision. I agree it is professional courtesy, but if I have a dick boss who treats employees like shit I'd probable be more likely to do an F you I'll quit 2 weeks before my leave is up.

I don't disagree with most of what you guys are saying, truly, and like I said as someone who had one of those dick bosses I definitely relate to the motivation behind this. But just as a conversation piece...if female employees of the dick boss use their pregnancies as a mechanism to flip off the employer, doesn't that give credence to the notion that women are less reliable than men, or less professional, or have overall less value as employees than men? I'm not saying they aren't justified in making that decision, but all other things being equal, wouldn't that feel like a concession to the sexist expectations that dick boss would have for his employee?

[ovenrack]

Oct 10, 2017 9:30:18 GMT -6 sweetc129 said:

Rama , I ended up enjoying being a working mom way more than I expected. I loved the routine and the kids adapted so well to the schedule and loved our daycare situation. I hope you find a good balance that you actually like if you are not able to stay at home. It is hard at first, but it really isn't as bad as you think. Being sick and taking the kids to daycare while I go back home and rest is amazing. Plus if DH and I struggle to get a babysitter we both take a vacation day and have a day date..awesome!! There are many things I will miss when I stay at home. I think there are pros and cons to each situation.

+1. Or rather, I was a full time SAHM and after 14m I went back to work part-time, basically purely for my mental health, and it made me a better parent.  Everyone is different, of course, and I am not discounting anyone's hopes and dreams about SAHMing.  

But the balance can work out differently than you imagine, and I hope you are able to work out a good situation, whatever it ends up being.  

And Rama, I hope that the fact that it doesn't make sense for your family right now doesn't mean that you won't get to a better place in the future.  HUGS BABIES RAH RAH RAH!

[calendula]

Oct 10, 2017 9:40:03 GMT -6 Rama said:

Oct 10, 2017 9:30:18 GMT -6 sweetc129 said:

Rama , I ended up enjoying being a working mom way more than I expected. I loved the routine and the kids adapted so well to the schedule and loved our daycare situation. I hope you find a good balance that you actually like if you are not able to stay at home. It is hard at first, but it really isn't as bad as you think. Being sick and taking the kids to daycare while I go back home and rest is amazing. Plus if DH and I struggle to get a babysitter we both take a vacation day and have a day date..awesome!! There are many things I will miss when I stay at home. I think there are pros and cons to each situation.

Thank you for this, I need all the good stories to make me feel better.

It's been my idea/dream/whatever since I was a baby myself that I would be a SAHM.  Letting go of that future/reality/whatever is just kinda hard for me, but I also know it's not realistic for our family right now.  It also doesn't help that I'm not exactly married to my job and think about quitting all the time as-is, so my strong SAH feelings and the leaving feelings are both beating me up inside.

Hugs. I'll echo sweetc129 in that I love being a working mom. It was hard early on, when he was still so little and I was still new and doubting myself, but as he has gotten older I truly believe it was the best thing for us. Like sweetc129 said, there are pros and cons to either SAH or working, and what works for one family might not work for another, but definitely don't automatically assume that working is a sacrifice you're making. I know that for us, it was definitely the best thing we could have done. You may find that it really is what is best for you and the kiddo. Or not. Lol. But then at least you will know! Don't beat yourself up! 

[sweetc129]

Oct 10, 2017 9:44:32 GMT -6 calendula said:

Oct 10, 2017 9:27:08 GMT -6 sweetc129 said:

I do also know women who did plan to return but once on leave realized it was better for their family to stay at home. It isn't always cut and dry. Yes I know people who purposefully took advantage of the system, but I think there are always factors in this decision. I agree it is professional courtesy, but if I have a dick boss who treats employees like shit I'd probable be more likely to do an F you I'll quit 2 weeks before my leave is up.

I don't disagree with most of what you guys are saying, truly, and like I said as someone who had one of those dick bosses I definitely relate to the motivation behind this. But just as a conversation piece...if female employees of the dick boss use their pregnancies as a mechanism to flip off the employer, doesn't that give credence to the notion that women are less reliable than men, or less professional, or have overall less value as employees than men? I'm not saying they aren't justified in making that decision, but all other things being equal, wouldn't that feel like a concession to the sexist expectations that dick boss would have for his employee?

I get what you are say, and it totally makes sense. I think it sucks that women are just the ones more likely to be in this situation. I have no doubt if the role was switched men would as well but since they are statistically not the ones making the decision to stay at home it's moot. I think even being pregnant itself is viewed as a possible liability to an employer. My last pregnancy I was asked very frequently if I was coming back to just own it so they can prepare. I had no intentions of not coming back but it was already a concern I might do that. I don't know how often it actually happens and if it really makes the overall problem worse. Maybe with better family leave maternity and paternity it isn't in issue. Even on a basic level I work at a company that has amazing benefits and sick pay and almost nobody calls in sick when they aren't sick. I've worked places with shitty benefits and people do this all the time. The problem is with such shitty benefits all around to families, especially mothers it leaves many moms with less options and reasons not to do this.

[Rama]

calendula I think we just have a fundamental difference of opinion. I appreciate and understand your view and it definitely has value. I just have a personal umbrage with a social responsibility of being professional for the image of women. For myself, fine. But I don't think I need to be a poster child in order to uphold the value of working women.

I probably took your initial comment with more personal feelings than you intended. I'll own that. I'm sorry.

[Rama]

Oct 10, 2017 9:50:29 GMT -6 calendula said:

Oct 10, 2017 9:40:03 GMT -6 Rama said:

Thank you for this, I need all the good stories to make me feel better.

It's been my idea/dream/whatever since I was a baby myself that I would be a SAHM.  Letting go of that future/reality/whatever is just kinda hard for me, but I also know it's not realistic for our family right now.  It also doesn't help that I'm not exactly married to my job and think about quitting all the time as-is, so my strong SAH feelings and the leaving feelings are both beating me up inside.

Hugs. I'll echo sweetc129 in that I love being a working mom. It was hard early on, when he was still so little and I was still new and doubting myself, but as he has gotten older I truly believe it was the best thing for us. Like sweetc129 said, there are pros and cons to either SAH or working, and what works for one family might not work for another, but definitely don't automatically assume that working is a sacrifice you're making. I know that for us, it was definitely the best thing we could have done. You may find that it really is what is best for you and the kiddo. Or not. Lol. But then at least you will know! Don't beat yourself up! 

But it's hard!  I'm really good at beating myself up.

It's definitely not our ideal situation, me having to work (even MrRama would rather I stay home), but it honestly just comes down to insurance.  We've talked about maybe having me come back part-time, but still working enough hours to qualify for benefits, but I'm not sure that's a real possibility.  If it does turn out that working is better than staying at home for me, I will gladly love to accept that into my heart!  I'm just not there in my head yet.

[cp3]

I'm sorry Rama. I was in your situation with my first that we could not afford for me to not work. The first year was hard
but I did enjoy coming back to work and my now 3 year old loves going to daycare. You will do great.

[cp3]

Catching up and I will most likely give notice ahead of time because I've seen what it's like when people leave here without notice and it sucks for the person trying to pick up the pieces. I also don't want my boss' business to fail and I love a lot of our clients and have built strong relationships with them and don't want to screw them over.

To clarify, I don't receive any benefits through my job. The only thing I would receive while on leave is 3 weeks of paid vacation. My state does not have any laws that require employers to pay you any accrued PTO if you quit and I've seen my boss' business partner not pay it out to a few employees who have quit so I'm nervous my boss won't pay it out to me. But I'm prepared to not receive that money once I have the baby.

[mirabelle]

Recently became a SAH due to some health issues my son has. My job was not flexible at all so it was not going to work long term. It's been really hard and if I could have found a part time configuration I would have done it. I will look for something part time down the road, just out of personal desire. My son does daycare once a week and we do programs twice a week through our city together that have been helpful to keep him feeling socialized and helps me to socialize too. He was a former full time daycare kid and thrived and loved that environment, so the change was hard on him too.

Once baby comes he will be in daycare for a few weeks while I recover from c section then all 3 (baby, toddler and I) will be home, but DS should start parttime preschool next fall. No real advice, it's a tough and personal decision and I wish I could have stuck it out a little longer working.