TTMA Donor Egg - All Welcome

[bonzo]

We just got back from our WTF after IVF #2. The RE and embryologist really don't think a third cycle will yield any better results; both feel that donor egg is the best way to go. Hormonally I responded better to this last cycle than my RE anticipated, but most of the eggs didn't undergo meiosis correctly, and one mature one just fell apart during ICSI. H and I have talked a little about donor before, and right now we're feeling like we'd rather go with the treatment that is more likely to give us our baby rather than go through more money and heartbreak for little to no progress. But of course I have so many feelings about actually taking that step, closing that door.

My IF history:
-went to the RE in Feb due to charting luteal phase defect (8-10 days); got diagnosed with DOR and some MFI (1% morph)
-IVF #1 beginning of June: 6 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized, 1 made it to biopsy and turned out to be aneuploid
-IVF #2 in Sept: 7 eggs retrieved, 0 fertilized

So, talk to me about donor eggs. What do I need to know? What questions do I need to be asking?

[orangehibiscus]

I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that y'all are having to contemplate/decide about this. Big giant hugs bonzo!

[bonzo]

Thanks, orangehibiscus! Part of me is feeling ready to do this, but part of me is still wishing my body would work differently. I think if we had made even some progress with this last cycle, I'd want to try a third. But I don't want to keep banging my head against a wall, hoping somehow this time will be different. This is a tough step, but it feels like a step forward.

[twohopes]

bonzo, I have contemplated donor gametes before (mostly sperm, but also complete embryos too). I know it is not the easiest decision. What helps me when I think about it is to google stories and bligs, but unfortunately I do not have any good ones. I am originally from Bulgaria and I know that many women now travel there to do donor egg with IVF because it is really affordable compared to IVF without insurance here.

[birch113]

Sending you all the hugs. I’d suggest posting on PAIF for more info. Off the top of my head Dogpaddle29 and @bootsorhearts used DE (though I forget who used donor egg or embryo). What’s your next step?

ETA: I’m not sure boots made it over here.

[Dogpaddle29]

bonzo I'm going to send you a private message.

[bonzo]

Dogpaddle29, thanks for the message!

birch113, right now we're processing and researching. I've been put in touch with one of the donor coordinators at our clinic, so I'll get more info from her. Our clinic has an in-house pool. We'll at least start looking there, as using a proven in-house donor will save a lot of money over an external agency.

[♪♫choppinbroccoli♫♪]

Paging longhornwino

[cythe]

Oct 9, 2017 19:46:11 GMT -6 birch113 said:

Sending you all the hugs. I’d suggest posting on PAIF for more info. Off the top of my head Dogpaddle29 and @bootsorhearts used DE (though I forget who used donor egg or embryo). What’s your next step?

ETA: I’m not sure boots made it over here.

bootsorhearts1 

[birch113]

Oct 10, 2017 12:36:57 GMT -6 cythe said:

Oct 9, 2017 19:46:11 GMT -6 birch113 said:

Sending you all the hugs. I’d suggest posting on PAIF for more info. Off the top of my head Dogpaddle29 and @bootsorhearts used DE (though I forget who used donor egg or embryo). What’s your next step?

ETA: I’m not sure boots made it over here.

bootsorhearts1 

Thank you!

[birch113]

Oct 9, 2017 21:49:34 GMT -6 bonzo said:

Dogpaddle29, thanks for the message!

birch113, right now we're processing and researching. I've been put in touch with one of the donor coordinators at our clinic, so I'll get more info from her. Our clinic has an in-house pool. We'll at least start looking there, as using a proven in-house donor will save a lot of money over an external agency.

I know this is a huge step. I’m sending you all the good vibes as you get started in this process!

[daisy818]

I don't have any useful info, but I just wanted to pass along big hugs as you figure out next steps.

[longhornwino]

Page received! I’ve got a busy work day today, but I’ll log on tonight and give you details on my experience. Hugs to you!

[longhornwino]

Okay bonzo, I'm back! **TW: Loss mentioned**

So our one and only OE IVF cycle was similar to your second retrieval. We had 15 eggs retrieved, I think 7 were mature enough for fertilization, but absolutely none grew past 4 cells, even after letting them go to 7 days. We had nothing to transfer. At our WTF, our doctor told us that we were likely dealing with poor egg quality, although that's nearly impossible to verify. Gotta love unexplained IF!

We originally were going to be CLNBC because we couldn't wrap our brains around a child that didn't have both of our genetics. That lasted all of about two weeks before I realized that was NOT okay with me. We researched donor embryos and even had an offer from a TCF member. But the more MH thought about it, the more he wasn't ready to give up a genetic tie. I was going to carry the baby no matter what and have that bond, so he wanted to at least try with his sperm and donor eggs.

That is CRAZY expensive in the states. There are egg sharing programs, but we weren't fans of the one at our clinic. We did a lot of research into donor eggs, and another fellow TCFer in a similar situation mentioned she'd seen that someone went to the Czech Republic for donor egg IVF with success. After looking into that, we realized it was exactly the right choice for us. It isn't for everyone, but for us, it made sense. A two-week trip to Europe AND treatment for half the price of treatment alone at our home clinic.

In CR, egg donation is legally required to be anonymous, so we will never know the donor of our little girls. But she gave us an amazing gift of one little girl here with us and another watching over us. Communication with our clinic was simple and smooth. We were able to fill out forms about donor preferences and sent photos of me at various ages. While I think my daughter is the spitting image of MH, many people tell me that she looks like me, too, and I credit the clinic with finding a good physical match as our donor.

So, big things to think about:
-Cost: it's expensive in the states, but you can get great care and have great success overseas if you're willing to take a small leap of faith
-Type of cycle: you can get batches of frozen eggs for cheaper than a full cycle, BUT those have a lower success rate. Consider a fresh retrieval, and ask about shared cycles if you do go with a stateside clinic. (I keep talking about the US; apologies if that's not where you are!)
-Type of donation: do you want an anonymous donation, or would you like potential children to be able to find out more about the donor? This is a completely personal choice, of course, but one you should think about a bit before making a decision. We talked it over with our therapist at length, too.
-Do you want full-blooded siblings? This is something you'll need to keep in mind for later. For us, we would have needed to ask our donor to cycle again probably in my third trimester because she was already 27 when she donated for our first round.
-Down the road: we did a lot of soul-searching with our therapist's help about how best to raise a donor child. We are 100% open with her already about her beginnings. She will always know that mommy and daddy had the help of a selfless woman to get her here because she was so loved and wanted. She'll also always know about her twin sister. It was important to us to be on the same page about how open we would be with her.

My therapist described using a donor as being like a quilt. The donor gave us the starting stitch, but MH and I are the ones filling in the squares of her quilt with love, experiences, knowledge, everything. The things we do as a family are what will make up the quilt of her life, and the donor is just a tiny stitch, but an important one because without her stitch, we never could have even started the rest of the quilt.

Sorry so long. I'm always happy to talk more with you as you contemplate walking this path! So many hugs to you; IF is a beast!

[bonzo]

Thanks for all the info, longhornwino! We are in the US, and will cycle here. H has some concerns about cycling overseas with his job -- likely he's being over cautious, but at this point I'll give it to him.

[longhornwino]

Oct 11, 2017 19:05:42 GMT -6 bonzo said:

Thanks for all the info, longhornwino! We are in the US, and will cycle here. H has some concerns about cycling overseas with his job -- likely he's being over cautious, but at this point I'll give it to him.

I know with CR, you only need to be there 6-7 days total. We took longer on purpose, but you certainly don’t have to!

[bootsorhearts1]

longhornwino , has some great advice! I'll share our story too.

****Grad warning****

Our donor egg baby is 2 weeks old and she is amazing.

We starting going down the path of a fresh dedicated cycle in the US but backed out as I didn't feel ready. I wasn't happy with the clinic we were using and it just didn't feel right. So we lost a bunch of money on that but oh well. About a year later we decided to try with frozen eggs. We found a donor we liked and got a batch of 7 eggs. We were devastated on day 5 when we had only 1 embryo left even though we'd had a great fert rate and DH has great sperm quality. If we had lost all the embryos by day 5, we would have gotten a partial refund. Well our 2BB embryo became our daughter and she is perfect and precious. Even though we tried to pick out a donor who I thought would have similar genetics to mine, she really doesn't look much like me or DH! She is darker skinned and darker haired than both of us and if anyone knew her blood type and a little about genetics they would know something was up as we couldn't make a baby with her blood type. Weirdly though, these are things we talk and joke and smile about vs. being upsetting. We laughed hysterically when DH pointed out her 2nd toe is longer than her big toe and neither of us have toes like that. We were like hey, that should have been a donor screening question! Even though she doesn't have my genetics I feel like she is 100% mine. I am so proud of every little roll of fat on her little legs and her double chin because I made those.

We have an open relationship with our donor, but we haven't reached out to her yet. It is probably something we will save for when baby girl is older and is curious and wants to know more. We will be 100% open with her about how she came to be because we're proud of it and she should be too. She is unique! We chose not to tell family and friends as we feel it is her story to tell if and when she wants to, not ours. Our friends and family are having fun puzzling out how/why she doesn't look like us. We just shrug and say things like 'genetics are funny aren't they?' because well, they are. We don't have any frozen embryos of course for siblings which is fine because our family feels complete now. DS loves being a big brother and he is already very attached to her.

The whole thing with the eggs and the IVF cycle cost us $20K or so which I didn't think was too bad. About half as much as a fresh cycle and the agency we used had that guarantee I mentioned which was reassuring. We chose an agency where we could see adult pictures of our donor and we have those saved for future reference as that was important to us. We also looked at donor embryos which was way cheaper, our agency quoted something like $7k for the whole thing if we worked with donors at their practice. But in the end we liked the idea of picking out a donor and using DH's genes.

Good luck to you whatever path you choose! There is no right or wrong way: fresh vs. frozen eggs, dedicated vs. shared cycle, US vs. CR or other countries, it's whatever feels right for you guys. Page or PM me anytime if you have questions.

ETA: Grad warning

[bonzo]

Thanks bootsorhearts1! Hearing so many stories from women who have graduated by going this route is really helping me feel more confident that this is the right path.

[fikafairy]

Not the same situation obviously, but our backup plan if this IVF cycle doesn't work, is using donor sperm with DH choosing the donor.

We also have considered adoption, but since we were already down the path of potentially losing our genetic connection and since our RE won't let us use donor embryos, we landed on sperm donors.

[daisy818]

Oct 12, 2017 15:27:45 GMT -6 fikafairy said:

Not the same situation obviously, but our backup plan if this IVF cycle doesn't work, is using donor sperm with DH choosing the donor.

We also have considered adoption, but since we were already down the path of potentially losing our genetic connection and since our RE won't let us use donor embryos, we landed on sperm donors.

Just curious, why would your RE refuse to let you use donor embryos? Donor embryos are on my list of next steps if this cycle didn't work.

[fikafairy]

Oct 13, 2017 8:35:31 GMT -6 daisy818 said:

Oct 12, 2017 15:27:45 GMT -6 fikafairy said:

Not the same situation obviously, but our backup plan if this IVF cycle doesn't work, is using donor sperm with DH choosing the donor.

We also have considered adoption, but since we were already down the path of potentially losing our genetic connection and since our RE won't let us use donor embryos, we landed on sperm donors.

Just curious, why would your RE refuse to let you use donor embryos? Donor embryos are on my list of next steps if this cycle didn't work.

They can test donor sperm vials (as a waster vial) to confirm blood type, but we can't do the same for donor embryos. We need embryos who are Kell negative only, and that minor blood type is not collected from embryo donors.

*triggers in here**
Also, a friend of mine with the same isoimmunization issue adopted an embryo, risking the roughly 5-10% chance she would get an incompatible embryo, and she wound up with a Kell positive (incompatible) embryo, had to deliver insanely early and poor baby is fighting so so hard right now, after already suffering two 2nd tri losses last year. So that is even more convincing for me that we either need to proceed as planned with PGD or move on to donor sperm.  **end triggers

TL;DR; - donor embryos aren't an option in my very specific situation, that's all.  Our "IF" problem is genetics-related, coming from DH's end.  

Edited for clarity! edit 2 to add trigger warnings bc I don't remember things like that on mobile...

[daisy818]

Oct 13, 2017 9:03:51 GMT -6 fikafairy said:

Oct 13, 2017 8:35:31 GMT -6 daisy818 said:

Just curious, why would your RE refuse to let you use donor embryos? Donor embryos are on my list of next steps if this cycle didn't work.

They can test donor sperm vials (as a waster vial) to confirm blood type, but we can't do the same for donor embryos. We need embryos who are Kell negative only, and that minor blood type is not collected from embryo donors.

*triggers in here**
Also, a friend of mine with the same isoimmunization issue adopted an embryo, risking the roughly 5-10% chance she would get an incompatible embryo, and she wound up with a Kell positive (incompatible) embryo, had to deliver insanely early and poor baby is fighting so so hard right now, after already suffering two 2nd tri losses last year. So that is even more convincing for me that we either need to proceed as planned with PGD or move on to donor sperm.  **end triggers

TL;DR; - donor embryos aren't an option in my very specific situation, that's all.  Our "IF" problem is genetics-related, coming from DH's end.  

Edited for clarity! edit 2 to add trigger warnings bc I don't remember things like that on mobile...

Ah, that totally makes sense. And your poor friend! FX to you that this cycle works for you