addymac
Emerald
Posts: 12,708 Likes: 54,168
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Post by addymac on Oct 1, 2017 9:57:35 GMT -6
Baby McD... EDD 2.16.17 💛 MMC 8.22.16 Below is my quote for him/her. I still remember the feeling of shock as we looked at the ultrasound that day. In the weeks prior to the u/s, as we got the news from the u/s that showed the cysts, and waited for the genetic testing, I felt in my heart it wasn't going to end well. And then the day/night before the final u/s, I somehow managed to convince myself everything was fine and we were going to see a healthy baby that day and I finally let myself feel excited again, after weeks of sadness. Convinced myself that having made it to the second tri, everything had to be okay. And then we went and I can still picture what s/he looked like on the screen. My little baby was just this sad little decaying blob with no heartbeat and looked nothing like a baby. And my heart broke into a million pieces.
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,638 Likes: 123,092
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Post by hawkward on Oct 1, 2017 11:37:10 GMT -6
Thanks for starting this. I’ll come back and add more this evening when I can sit and type.
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muscari
Platinum
(EU/GMT+1)
Posts: 2,478 Likes: 4,664
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Post by muscari on Oct 1, 2017 15:16:03 GMT -6
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,638 Likes: 123,092
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Post by hawkward on Oct 1, 2017 18:31:33 GMT -6
PAIL Awareness Month always kicks off a season of loss and missed due dates for me. As zen as I've been feeling with everything the last several months, today hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been crying on and off. It's been almost exactly five years since we lost Adair. I should be getting her ready for kindergarten. I should be planning the birthdays of two four year olds and shuttling a second grader to soccer practice. Instead I'm planning the awareness statement I'll make on social media and deciding how I'll spend those days in the next few months honoring lost little ones that few remember and no one wants to talk about.
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Radley
Sapphire
Posts: 3,272 Likes: 13,750
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Post by Radley on Oct 1, 2017 23:58:14 GMT -6
I needed this thread. My EDD should have been Oct. 15th which is the Wave of Light day and today emotions have hit pretty hard. I don’t have much to share but maybe one of these days I will share what I can.
Edit: grammar is hard when you feel emotional.
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muscari
Platinum
(EU/GMT+1)
Posts: 2,478 Likes: 4,664
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Post by muscari on Oct 2, 2017 1:12:20 GMT -6
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Post by boxerific on Oct 2, 2017 7:25:17 GMT -6
First loss - EDD 1/7/12, MMC 6/9/11. Second loss - EDD 10/6/12, MC 2/14/12. My wedding anniversary is 10/6, so it's been bittersweet ever since we lost our second angel. I hate that I'm in this boat. That anyone is in this boat. A couple of years ago I participated in The Sacred Project. The notion behind the film is that we are a sacred space because of them, and it's based on a poem by Stephanie Paige Cole. Your life began and ended within my womb I am a sacred space because of you
After the project, they partnered with someone on Etsy who made these necklaces featuring a mandala designed by Carly Marie Dudley. We could put anything we wanted on the pendant . We never named our babies, which I regret... and instead of dates or symbols, I chose to put a Bible verse. My cousin shared it with me and it got me through that darkest period. She, herself, lost a baby many years prior, so it was something that we connected so deeply on.
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Oct 2, 2017 7:41:31 GMT -6
Hugs and love to everyone. This is surely a tough, tough month. Not that they're not all hard in their own way, but October is... tougher.
This is the 5 year anniversary of our first two losses, and for some reason it is really hitting me. In the grocery store, at Target, etc. The 'what if' moments creep in more frequently lately. IDK why.
I'm also feeling very guilty about the lack of emotion surrounding our two early losses from 2016. I think at that point my walls were up so high that I didn't allow myself to grieve or feel much of anything. It's almost like I expected the worst and, when it happened twice again, I just felt normal. Like I should have known.
I'll be doing some sort of pay-it-forward once a week this month (4x, once for each angel), and participating in the Wave of Light.
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Radley
Sapphire
Posts: 3,272 Likes: 13,750
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Post by Radley on Oct 2, 2017 7:41:44 GMT -6
addymac I’m so sorry for your loss. Many *hugs*! hawkward I’m so very sorry. You’re so brave to speak out. It took me ten minutes just to decide to share HIH post on FB and change my profile pic to one with a PAIL frame. Which seems silly but I just struggle with openness, so I really admire and appreciate you speaking out. So many *hugs*. boxerific I’m so sorry for your losses. That is a beautiful quote and a lovely necklace.
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,638 Likes: 123,092
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Post by hawkward on Oct 2, 2017 8:19:08 GMT -6
Hugs and love to everyone. This is surely a tough, tough month. Not that they're not all hard in their own way, but October is... tougher. This is the 5 year anniversary of our first two losses, and for some reason it is really hitting me. In the grocery store, at Target, etc. The 'what if' moments creep in more frequently lately. IDK why. I'm also feeling very guilty about the lack of emotion surrounding our two early losses from 2016. I think at that point my walls were up so high that I didn't allow myself to grieve or feel much of anything. It's almost like I expected the worst and, when it happened twice again, I just felt normal. Like I should have known.I'll be doing some sort of pay-it-forward once a week this month (4x, once for each angel), and participating in the Wave of Light. I feel like this too. Our first loss, I was very much "it happens." We knew we'd probably have TTTC because of my history, so when it did happen, it kind of felt like a hurdle we just had to get over. We'd gotten past the "1 in 4 pregnancies" statistic and now everything would be fine. We were so naive.
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Radley
Sapphire
Posts: 3,272 Likes: 13,750
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Post by Radley on Oct 2, 2017 9:22:05 GMT -6
oldbaylover1024 I’m so sorry for your losses. So many *hugs* and so much creepy internet love. I’m so sorry you are feeling guilty, although I know it’s “normal”, it still sucks. I love the pay it forward idea though. So sweet and a great way to honor your babies.
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Oct 2, 2017 9:31:06 GMT -6
Hugs and love to everyone. This is surely a tough, tough month. Not that they're not all hard in their own way, but October is... tougher. This is the 5 year anniversary of our first two losses, and for some reason it is really hitting me. In the grocery store, at Target, etc. The 'what if' moments creep in more frequently lately. IDK why. I'm also feeling very guilty about the lack of emotion surrounding our two early losses from 2016. I think at that point my walls were up so high that I didn't allow myself to grieve or feel much of anything. It's almost like I expected the worst and, when it happened twice again, I just felt normal. Like I should have known.I'll be doing some sort of pay-it-forward once a week this month (4x, once for each angel), and participating in the Wave of Light. I feel like this too. Our first loss, I was very much "it happens." We knew we'd probably have TTTC because of my history, so when it did happen, it kind of felt like a hurdle we just had to get over. We'd gotten past the "1 in 4 pregnancies" statistic and now everything would be fine. We were so naive. {{hugs}} I was blindsided by my first loss and oh so very naïve. I thought the same thing after my first loss. "Well, we're officially the 1 out of 4. We're good." Yeah... not so much.
The last two I just... IDK. Maybe I mentally expected it, so I just went with it. I grieved, was upset of course, but they just didn't hit me like the other two. Bleck... guilt is the worst.
I f**king hate how jaded our history makes me. BUT I'm pretty open IRL about our experiences and have been able to offer other new loss moms some love. They've told me and MH they're glad they know someone IRL to talk to, who gets it. I guess if I've gotten anything out of this journey it's the ability to help others.
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,638 Likes: 123,092
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Post by hawkward on Oct 2, 2017 11:48:44 GMT -6
oldbaylover1024, guilt is such a weird thing when it comes to loss, isn't it.
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Post by fikafairy on Oct 2, 2017 12:07:04 GMT -6
Kristina - born and lost 9/24/16
Last year the grief was still so raw and so fresh for us during October. I still have a hard time driving by the convention center near us, because just 2 days before we lost her, I was at a consignment sale. I was finally starting to feel more confident buying things, that we would get to bring her home after all the medical issues we were having, and then all hell broke loose. Just 2 days.
We are attending a lantern release Oct 14th near us, as part of our remembrance/celebration of her life. We also have felt really strongly about the lanterns and similar symbols from Tangled (for a LOT of different reasons) so it's an especially meaningful activity for us.
I should have been planning a first birthday party. Either because she made it through the last transfusion, or because things didn't happen the way they did and I delivered in December at 37 weeks instead of 27 weeks in September.
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Oct 2, 2017 12:08:46 GMT -6
So, finally have my computer and I still don't really know what I want to say. oldbaylover1024 This year was the five year anniversary of when we lost our boy and it has been hitting harder this year than it did the last few years. Five just seems so big, you know. The first day of kindergarten pictures knocked the breath out of me even though by the rules in our state, he would have missed the cut off by a few days and been in pre-k. Every year, I post through out the month different pictures, quotes, and just sharing what happened to us. I hope you are okay with me bringing that here. I also hope I figure out what I want to say. {{hugs}} Five feels like a milestone, if that's the word I'm looking for (it's not, but I can't think of another one).
And I am 1,000,000% okay bringing things here. That's what we're all here for - support for one another.
Andplusalso words are hard. {{more hugs}}
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Post by twohopes on Oct 2, 2017 12:25:15 GMT -6
I have experienced three losses: a miscarriage at 6.5 weeks on Sept. 13, 2013; a chemical pregnancy on January 2nd, 2014, and a miscarriage at 8 weeks on August 26th, 2017 (about a month and a half ago). All these babies will forever be in my heart and I am having a really hard time lately to move past the pain and the feelings of loss and sadness and what-if's.
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rm2013
Bronze
Posts: 207 Likes: 352
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Post by rm2013 on Oct 3, 2017 7:17:14 GMT -6
I just want to give everyone all the love and hugs 💗
October is a hard month for me as well. I had my first loss and D&C in mid October 2016, and then the EDD for my second angel baby was 10/19/17.
I feel like a bit of a coward because I just don’t think I have it in me yet to go full on PAIL announcement on social media. I have started opening up and talking about my losses to people in real life, which has been very freeing. But the wounds are still a little too fresh for me to be an open book online. I hope I will be in a place where I can do that in the near future.
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,638 Likes: 123,092
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Post by hawkward on Oct 3, 2017 8:08:38 GMT -6
rm2013, it took me a really long time to be able to talk to anyone about it, let alone be open and be the one to start the conversation. I think 2015 was the first year I started really talking about it openly (although we did "announce" one of our losses on FB because we were well into second tri), and that had been five years since our first loss. It's not cowardly to protect yourself from something so raw and hard.
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Post by fikafairy on Oct 3, 2017 8:27:45 GMT -6
I don't know if it's because the timing of our loss forced me to be more open and share about it, but for me it's very freeing to be able to talk about my lost DD. She existed, even if it was just for such a short period of time, and I don't want to feel like I have to sweep that aside in public. Someone else being uncomfortable or feeling sorry for me doesn't take away the fact that she was here and then gone.
I do understand the need to keep it private too, to handle your own grief in your own way without others involved. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to grieve a loss.
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rm2013
Bronze
Posts: 207 Likes: 352
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Post by rm2013 on Oct 3, 2017 9:22:34 GMT -6
Thanks ladies. Your words really help. I also wanted to share one thing I did that helped me, at least, feel like my angels aren’t forgotten. I got a birthstone ring from a handcrafted store on Amazon. It’s so dainty and tiny just like them, and I wear it every day. Does anyone else wear a jewelry piece for their angels? I’d love to see yours!
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rm2013
Bronze
Posts: 207 Likes: 352
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Post by rm2013 on Oct 3, 2017 9:32:25 GMT -6
First loss - EDD 1/7/12, MMC 6/9/11. Second loss - EDD 10/6/12, MC 2/14/12. My wedding anniversary is 10/6, so it's been bittersweet ever since we lost our second angel. I hate that I'm in this boat. That anyone is in this boat. A couple of years ago I participated in The Sacred Project. The notion behind the film is that we are a sacred space because of them, and it's based on a poem by Stephanie Paige Cole. Your life began and ended within my womb I am a sacred space because of you
After the project, they partnered with someone on Etsy who made these necklaces featuring a mandala designed by Carly Marie Dudley. We could put anything we wanted on the pendant . We never named our babies, which I regret... and instead of dates or symbols, I chose to put a Bible verse. My cousin shared it with me and it got me through that darkest period. She, herself, lost a baby many years prior, so it was something that we connected so deeply on.
This is so beautiful!!!
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muscari
Platinum
(EU/GMT+1)
Posts: 2,478 Likes: 4,664
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Post by muscari on Oct 3, 2017 11:08:34 GMT -6
💓💓So much love to you all 💓💓
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rm2013
Bronze
Posts: 207 Likes: 352
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Post by rm2013 on Oct 3, 2017 11:39:53 GMT -6
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Post by wickedcandy on Oct 4, 2017 10:33:24 GMT -6
I'm feeling very... Meh this year, I think because I have so much other stuff going on, I'm putting it away in a box, in my brain...
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Post by boxerific on Oct 4, 2017 19:06:25 GMT -6
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snowyowl
Amethyst
Posts: 6,805 Likes: 31,100
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Post by snowyowl on Oct 4, 2017 19:51:59 GMT -6
Hugs to all the ladies here. My life would definitely be different if it weren’t for CAL (I posted there as Vivela). Putting something on social media makes me really nervous and uncomfortable, I just feel my Facebook friend list is too random and full of people I don’t necessarily need knowing very personal things about me. I keep my Facebook very generic in general. I feel bad, because one of the things that helped the most was knowing I wasn’t alone. But I’ll just keep being open and honest with my friends and family and hope that is enough to help someone.
I’m thinking of all of you and sending my love.
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,638 Likes: 123,092
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Post by hawkward on Oct 5, 2017 12:09:04 GMT -6
enchanted, I love Brian Andreas prints. I have four hanging in my living room, and the quote in my siggy is from him. He used to come to the art festival where I went to college.
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peaseblossom55
Platinum
Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.
Posts: 1,461 Likes: 3,090
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Post by peaseblossom55 on Oct 5, 2017 18:29:15 GMT -6
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peaseblossom55
Platinum
Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.
Posts: 1,461 Likes: 3,090
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Post by peaseblossom55 on Oct 5, 2017 18:35:39 GMT -6
It's so sad. I really feel like it's a bit of a dark cloud in what is overall a very exciting month. I miss my two girls more than anything in the world. What would have been. I think of my girls every day. I talk to them every day still, on my way to work. I tell them about the weather, I teach them things, I tell them what is going on in our lives and of course how much I love and miss them. I feel like there will always be this bit of sadness, this dark cloud that will hang over the rest of my life. Something will always be missing. I will be lighting my candle 10/15, thinking always of my girls.
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Radley
Sapphire
Posts: 3,272 Likes: 13,750
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Post by Radley on Oct 6, 2017 21:02:21 GMT -6
@km2013 this is the necklace H got me for ours. I didn’t want anything that would raise questions, but I wanted something in memorial. I had a very cheep one I wore for a short time but when it started to turn, H bought me this.
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