milano
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Post by milano on Sept 24, 2017 20:57:58 GMT -6
How are YOU doing?
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milano
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Post by milano on Sept 24, 2017 21:15:26 GMT -6
I'm in some weird funk lately. I'm exhausted but can't fall asleep until at least midnight every night, and then I'm up every couple hours with one or two kids. So my sleep is shit. And I get super cranky when I'm completely sleep-deprived, so my patience is low- which my H and J end up getting the brunt of and I hate it. I had a crying, angry meltdown earlier after getting (accidentally) kicked in the face by J who was doing gymnastics or something on the couch and MH was so unhelpful because he was "in the middle of something" (making pickles) and I was pissed and in pain and wanted to shove him (mh) so bad. Instead I stomped upstairs with M and slammed my door and cried in my room for a bit. Very mature.
I feel burned out. I'm with the kids 24/7. MH gets all these "breaks" for football games, golf- in addition to what I call Dad Privilege, which is the ability to just fall asleep on the couch and not come upstairs, take 30 min in the bathroom, take a shower without having to have the curtain wide open and loudly sing nursery rhymes to a baby to keep her from wailing, etc. Things I literally can't do even if I wanted to, because CHILDREN. I need to make more time for me, and I know that MH says he's willing to keep the kids so I can do that but I don't even know what I want to do. And I miss my kids when I'm away from them. And there's not even anywhere in our house where I can go- our downstairs is pretty open and I share a room with M. So, the bathroom? That's really it. Sometimes the front porch.
And I'm doing the bbm workouts, which I'm enjoying, but I'm not losing weight because apparently my body likes to keep weight on while I'm breastfeeding even though I generally eat well (minus the egg rolls and wine...I know). And MH convinced me to do this diet bet with him which is making me feel shitty so I'm resentful towards him about it.
I think that's enough word vomiting for one post but I feel a bit better just getting that out. I'm struggling. This is hard sometimes.
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Post by charlotte on Sept 25, 2017 6:50:42 GMT -6
Also struggling. My anxiety has been through the roof since starting a new job a little less than 2 months ago. I haven’t been sleeping well, crying at little things, etc. I’ve always had some anxiety but it’s very situational and for the past few years it hasn’t been a significant issue for me. Now I’m thinking if I don’t feel an improvement over the next month I will see about getting some meds.
I’ve been trying to jog some to deal and I guess it helps a little. I need to be more consistent. MH has been my rock but that actually makes me feel a bit more panicked because I know I have to be able to be fine without him when he travels.
Blah.
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Post by ovenrack on Sept 25, 2017 7:18:00 GMT -6
So. When I got pregnant, I went off zoloft (even though I know it is a safer option to stay on) because in the past, my body's hormones during pregnancy sort of help out with my depression. But I don't think it's the same this time? Or maybe it is just that I'm nauseated and tired and caring for two small children and stressing about money and childcare and the idea of pulling then kids from daycare when my work winds down, with A working six days a week so I would be the sole caregiver 6/7 days with little family around and no one who offers to help.
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Speedy
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Post by Speedy on Sept 25, 2017 8:18:16 GMT -6
I started on citalopram on Friday, so I'm still in the adjustment period. Otherwise... not really good. We're short staffed at work, which means that we're working crazy hours, and when I got my schedule on Saturday my boss put me on a day when I had plans with my mom while she's here (which my boss knew about), but there's literally no way for it to be fixed. Caused a minor panic attack and I had to call MH and wake him up to drive me my ativan to work so I could continue being a productive team member. That also was kind of the last straw for me with this workplace and I've decided that it's time for me to start looking for something else, which has kept me up the past 2 nights thinking about it and haven't gotten very much sleep.
I think I may be having some nausea as a side effect of the citalopram, so that's always fun.
Right now I'm just trying to make sure I make it through this next week in one piece =/
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stringy
Opal
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Post by stringy on Sept 25, 2017 8:55:34 GMT -6
charlotte and milano what you both describe has been exactly me pretty much since P was born. This is all so hard and for so long I just beat myself up with "well it shouldn't be hard. Moms have been doing this forever and we have more luxuries than most but yet I can't deal with it." Which of course has true and false points to it. It pretty much took me actually getting a therapist and meds for BM to realize I was serious in my complaints of over stress and needing help. At least that's how I see it. So between those three things I'm feeling a lot better than I was a few months back. milano you don't have to have a grand plan to get you time. Go for a drive with an iced coffee. Go to the library or Barnes and noble and poke around for an hour. Whatever calms your soul.
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mimsy
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Post by mimsy on Sept 25, 2017 11:16:04 GMT -6
Treading water is the new normal. I'm so tired of treading water. Of treading lightly.
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rugger
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Post by rugger on Sept 25, 2017 11:25:03 GMT -6
Politics are not good for my mental health. So many feelings. I need to stay off FB for a few days, I think.
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Post by ovenrack on Sept 25, 2017 11:27:45 GMT -6
Politics are not good for my mental health. So many feelings. I need to stay off FB for a few days, I think.
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Speedy
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Post by Speedy on Sept 25, 2017 11:42:20 GMT -6
Oh, so I have the added joy of the fact that I tend not to want to eat while I'm stressed out. I feel hungry, but I literally do not want to go through the actions of making food, putting them in my mouth, swallowing. That makes me even more tired, nauseated, and irritable. I'm glad H is home during the day because I swear I would not eat all day if he didn't make me.
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nikkipal
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Post by nikkipal on Sept 25, 2017 12:01:22 GMT -6
I'm feeling so much better with a few months of meds and therapy. It's amazing. I also limit social media bc it was wreaking havoc on me emotionally. Every few weeks I may log onto Facebook to check in on something, but otherwise I'm off. It's hard enough looking at curated versions of everyone's lives when you're feeling down. Once the fake "news" and political stuff got bad, I had to step back.
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stringy
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Post by stringy on Sept 25, 2017 12:47:14 GMT -6
I'm struggling. I've not dealt myself with mental health struggles so I'm not sure exactly how to categorize what is going on with me. My marriage is hanging on by a very thin thread. I have constant feelings of guilt. Guilt that I'm not spending enough time with J. Guilt that I'm not doing enough for the babies because they cry a lot. Guilt that I find raising twins to be so hard. Guilt that I envy people with just one baby. Etc. etc. etc. I reached out to a friend on Saturday who is a therapist who gave me some resources to follow up on. Hugs Willy. See above - this is exactly where I have been. Doing too many things (momming, wifing, working) and not doing any of them well, it seems. All we can do is the best we can. I hope you can follow up on resources from your friend - especially since you are heading back to work soon.
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sassyq
Gold
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Post by sassyq on Sept 25, 2017 16:31:35 GMT -6
I hit a point last week where something made me realize that I might actually have some level of anxiety disorder. I was listening to a podcast and they were talking about the difference between normal worry/stress and anxiety and I fit almost every "not normal seek help" catagory. I'm just so tired of being on the edge of a panic attack or tears or constantly interpreting my surroundings through a filter of anxiety, and the thought that it was maybe an actual problem, not just a flaw in my personality was amazingly hopeful. I talked to dh about it, but I felt so foolish saying anything... this isn't normal in my world. I think I can recognize this tendency in myself even from early childhood, but it didn't become an actual serious issue until after my second pregnancy. I don't know what to do with this new info. I really don't want to go the medical route (if I even have a legitimate issue) I also know that if I want to talk to a professional I want to talk to someone within my faith.... it's overwhelming enough without even considering that I simply cannot afford anything extra right now. Not sure what I want to do.
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stringy
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Post by stringy on Sept 25, 2017 20:02:34 GMT -6
I've been thinking a lot today about all the similarities everyone posted here. Why is it that we all feel so inadequate? I know intellectually that all is fine- but I still feel like it's not good enough. I still get down on myself for one thing or another.
I can't just take the "it's facebooks fault" thing. Sure it doesn't help- but I don't often ponder how great other people's lives are via fb. Maybe IRL....
Anyone have any thoughts?
Brought to you by stringy can't fall asleep....
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mapleme
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Post by mapleme on Sept 26, 2017 3:28:53 GMT -6
I've been thinking a lot today about all the similarities everyone posted here. Why is it that we all feel so inadequate? I know intellectually that all is fine- but I still feel like it's not good enough. I still get down on myself for one thing or another. I can't just take the "it's facebooks fault" thing. Sure it doesn't help- but I don't often ponder how great other people's lives are via fb. Maybe IRL.... Anyone have any thoughts? Brought to you by stringy can't fall asleep.... I think that it's motherhood. Anxiety wasn't really a thing for me pre-child. I had other mental health issues, but not anxiety. But with kids? Boom anxiety. The worst was during the PP period and it's since come down since then, but it's far from gone. I used to be so steady and solid. Now I'm much more uneven. I think that evolutionarily it makes sense for us to always want to do more for our children. But in modern society there is no end to the more that we can choose from and do. But we can't actually do all of it. So we worry that we chose the wrong thing. We worry that we did something that is going to spell inevitable doom for our offspring. "Doom" is so multifaceted too. Keeping them alive used to be goal number one. But now we can worry about a whole host of levels of failures of success. I regularly find myself concerned that M won't talk about her social problems as a teenager and will end up a drug addict. Because??? SO not an immediate concern. We're also so insular. If you were raising children in a historical village you could fell confidence that every other parent did things XYZ way and their kid is fine. But now? 🤷🏻♀️no clue. Just guess and feel choice fatigue and crippling anxiety. And then there is lack of sleep.
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mimsy
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Post by mimsy on Sept 26, 2017 4:44:47 GMT -6
My inadequacy stems from loss of job during pregnancy and the crippling fear of returning to work or worse yet, never being employed in my field again. Or any field.
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mimsy
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Post by mimsy on Sept 26, 2017 18:21:39 GMT -6
Andplusalso, thanks A for playing on my anxiety over our child (and making a political rant) about how we might be above the financial threshold for HeadStart but still too poor to be able to afford the help we need for our child.
And then flip out on me 5 min later for not wanting to sexy time later because I said I'm too not ready yet to give you a answer. I'm not feeling inadequate at all. < insert blue font here >
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stringy
Opal
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Post by stringy on Oct 1, 2017 19:19:39 GMT -6
I'm having major anxiety over P spending the night at my ILs. My parents are OOT next week so we need extra help with child care. It makes sense so they don't need to drive an hour each day. I haven't spent the night away from her. she's mostly night weaned. My alternate is to take time off - which I can - just not ideal. M has slept over there numerous times.
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milano
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Post by milano on Oct 1, 2017 19:42:42 GMT -6
stringy totally normal to be anxious over that. First night away is a big deal! Just remember that she'll be ok.
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Post by charlotte on Oct 2, 2017 7:06:44 GMT -6
I wasn’t doing that great, and that was BEFORE I saw the news this AM. Everything seems so bleak.
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milano
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Post by milano on Oct 2, 2017 7:59:42 GMT -6
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stringy
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Post by stringy on Oct 2, 2017 12:36:09 GMT -6
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milano
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Post by milano on Oct 2, 2017 15:40:38 GMT -6
I'm debating whether or not to deactivate FB for awhile. I can't handle the ignorant posts and articles and hypocrisy. It's making me hate people. But then if I deactivate it makes it a 'big thing', but I know I don't have the self control necessary to just not get on there. And I would miss my bmb facebook group.
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Speedy
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Post by Speedy on Oct 2, 2017 18:02:13 GMT -6
I'm debating whether or not to deactivate FB for awhile. I can't handle the ignorant posts and articles and hypocrisy. It's making me hate people. But then if I deactivate it makes it a 'big thing', but I know I don't have the self control necessary to just not get on there. And I would miss my bmb facebook group. I temporarily deactivated in August, after my big freakout. It was supposed to be for 7 days but I ended up being okay after 3. It was just enough for a break
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stringy
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Post by stringy on Oct 2, 2017 18:16:28 GMT -6
milano sometimes when I need to check out I change my password and log out of devices so at least it's not the unconscious scrolling that happens every day.
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milano
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Post by milano on Oct 2, 2017 18:25:46 GMT -6
milano sometimes when I need to check out I change my password and log out of devices so at least it's not the unconscious scrolling that happens every day. This is a good idea. I might even delete the fb app.
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mapleme
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Post by mapleme on Oct 2, 2017 19:28:03 GMT -6
milano sometimes when I need to check out I change my password and log out of devices so at least it's not the unconscious scrolling that happens every day. This is a good idea. I might even delete the fb app. I also highly recommend telling FB to not show you the posts by the people who are making you want to deactivate. I have a friend of a friend who is wonderful in so many ways, but is also a militant vegan. I wasn't ok with the pictures that were showing up on my feed. I didn't want to remove her as a friend, so I just took her posts off my feed. It was a huge improvement.
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milano
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Post by milano on Oct 2, 2017 19:37:17 GMT -6
This is a good idea. I might even delete the fb app. I also highly recommend telling FB to not show you the posts by the people who are making you want to deactivate. I have a friend of a friend who is wonderful in so many ways, but is also a militant vegan. I wasn't ok with the pictures that were showing up on my feed. I didn't want to remove her as a friend, so I just took her posts off my feed. It was a huge improvement. Oh yes, I've unfollowed about half of my FB friends already. That does help significantly. But there's still a few family members and some obnoxious MLM sales people that directly message me and I'm just over it. On a related note, when I was poking around FB looking into deactivation I stumbled across their Legacy/Memoriam settings- and I selected to have my account deleted should I pass away instead of designating someone to manage my page after I die (wtf?) and that felt rather morbid. Social media is weird.
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mapleme
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Post by mapleme on Oct 2, 2017 19:51:06 GMT -6
I also highly recommend telling FB to not show you the posts by the people who are making you want to deactivate. I have a friend of a friend who is wonderful in so many ways, but is also a militant vegan. I wasn't ok with the pictures that were showing up on my feed. I didn't want to remove her as a friend, so I just took her posts off my feed. It was a huge improvement. Oh yes, I've unfollowed about half of my FB friends already. That does help significantly. But there's still a few family members and some obnoxious MLM sales people that directly message me and I'm just over it. On a related note, when I was poking around FB looking into deactivation I stumbled across their Legacy/Memoriam settings- and I selected to have my account deleted should I pass away instead of designating someone to manage my page after I die (wtf?) and that felt rather morbid. Social media is weird. PMs are seriously obnoxious. I'm a fan of the memoriam settings. (TW death mentioned). Two of my college FB friends have died. One's account was turned into a memoriam page and I love going over their occasionally and reading the amazing things that people have written (he was an amazing human being). But just a few weeks ago I was told that it was the other's birthday. It was just such a sad reminder that he won't have any more birthdays and I really wish that his family would change his page.
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Post by charlotte on Oct 3, 2017 7:06:01 GMT -6
Well I held back tears the whole way to DC and back because I couldn’t stop thinking about LV still. I have to actually be productive at work today.
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