Aargh...Should I go to baby shower?

[rm2013]

Hi ladies, I need to hear someone else's opinion. There is a baby shower this weekend for my neighbor. Our neighborhood is pretty tight knit, so people would definitely wonder what's up if I didn't go. I've been very low key and not around folks much, because I really want to avoid disclosing my pregnancy until we know things are good. I was so happy to see the bean last week but I don't want to go public until we're out of first tri and have NIPT results. I still am not 100% secure 🙁

I'm a short gal and I had gained a lot of weight (mostly around my middle) so I already looked pregnant before I got KU. Add bloating and I seriously look 4+ months. It's damn near impossible to hide this blump. I kinda don't want to go because I don't want to have to discuss my pregnancy yet, and I also feel like I'd take away from her day. Also I'm not going to hide my losses either so that's not exactly fun shower banter. Hanging out with the ladies was easier before because even though I had a belly no one asks you if you're pregnant when you're drinking half a bottle of wine 😂

What I'm wondering is if I'm totally blowing things out of proportion and it's no big deal, or should I stick with my first inclination to hide out at home.

[mattsgirl2004]

I think you can go still and keep your presence low key. You can maybe go for a short time, bring a gift, and then maybe let the guest know you're not feeling well and leave. That way you won't risk being there long enough for many questions, but still able to go and wish her well. Would that be an option?

Honestly though, most people don't ask a woman if she's pregnant for the fear of being wrong. If they don't ask and you don't mention it, hopefully they'd just leave the subject matter alone and you can enjoy your time there.

I'm open about my losses too, but there's always a time and place. If you feel the need to discuss them, I'd either wait for another gathering (that isn't necessarily baby related) or keep it short and sweet.

ETA: I hope it all works out and you're able to go and celebrate with your neighbor.

[DrHooch]

Ugh that's tough. I feel you on the already looking pregnant - I am 8 weeks and the bloat is giving me an obvious bump. I also feel like not drinking at occasions where most people are is also a dead giveaway. But, if you want to go, go. If anyone is rude enough to ask (and I have had someone ask!), I'd respond with "Why would you think so?" and make them feel bad for asking such a rude question without lying.

[hawkward]

If you don't want to go, I wouldn't. Maybe make an excuse for yourself to be out of the house at that time since it's in your neighborhood, and then send a note and gift to the MTB that you're sorry you couldn't make it (or even tell her why if you're close- sometimes it's nice to have someone in on your secret, ya know?).

BUT if you want to go, I'd wear a drapey scarf if it's weather appropriate and pull the "imply you're hungover" card for the lack of drinking.

[Rama]

Another thing I've noticed is that we tend to see things differently than outsiders do. As in, your neighbors might not see your blump for what it is, if they manage to notice it at all. I swear I look pregnant, but then I look at pictures taken and if I didn't know I was, I wouldn't be able to guess that I am.

If you want to go, dress comfortably and maybe a bit baggy (though this would be a flag on my radar). Just own your body and politely tell people that you're not gathered to speculate on your body, you're there to celebrate the mom and baby if people start asking.

If you don't want to go, don't feel obligated to know. It's okay to be scared and there are a million legitimate reasons you could use to not go, even if you weren't pregnant. It should be as easy as "I've had a loss before and I can't handle this right now", especially if you're open with your losses. You could also be sick and not want to get anyone else sick, you could be busy, you could have already made other plans, the list goes on. But don't let the perception of others make you feel obligated when you're not ready. You decide when you're ready. <3