LED
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Post by LED on Sept 7, 2017 12:30:00 GMT -6
Do you do anything with your rainbow/sunshine kids to honor your lost babies? What do you do, or plan to do?
I usually bake a cake and binge on it and cry and mope, but I want to do something more for when R is old enough to understand. Like, write him a letter or draw him a picture. Or take a video of her telling him a story. I don't know. Something. Maybe a small photo shoot with R and my Jackson bear? I need ideas. I don't want to regret not doing enough.
I usually also donate diapers to the women's shelter, but I don't know that that's where my heart is anymore. I still donate diapers throughout the year, so it just doesn't seem, I don't know, social enough? I don't know. I like the idea of some sort of donation for his birthday, though.
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LED
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Post by LED on Sept 7, 2017 12:30:45 GMT -6
Sorry to be a PW lately. I've just got all the feels.
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Post by heartpresidents on Sept 10, 2017 10:51:51 GMT -6
No need to apologize! We do family day, and last year purchased something fun for Lincoln's little brother (retail therapy at its finest). We pretty much do whatever brings us comfort that day, which may mean fancy coffee and donuts, or just sitting at the house watching videos of our little guy. We're not huge "we must do this every year" people, we just do what feels right. Once our rainbow is older we might start asking him what he'd like to do in honor of his brother and plan part of the day around that.
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LED
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Post by LED on Sept 10, 2017 12:09:05 GMT -6
No need to apologize! We do family day, and last year purchased something fun for Lincoln's little brother (retail therapy at its finest). We pretty much do whatever brings us comfort that day, which may mean fancy coffee and donuts, or just sitting at the house watching videos of our little guy. We're not huge "we must do this every year" people, we just do what feels right. Once our rainbow is older we might start asking him what he'd like to do in honor of his brother and plan part of the day around that. I think this may be part of my problem. I feel like I need to make it this tradition, this big thing, in some way. Like, he's not getting a birthday party so I need something equally memorable. But I don't. Maybe I just need to accept that. Thank you. |
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Post by heartpresidents on Sept 10, 2017 12:26:39 GMT -6
[/quote] I think this may be party if my problem. I feel like I need to make it this tradition, this big thing, in some way. Like, he's not getting a birthday party so I need something equally memorable. But I don't. Maybe I just need to accept that. Thank you.[/quote]
Completely understand that! I find myself sometimes searching for the thing that's going to be our tradition, but I've gotten better at just accepting it's not our style and going with it. We've been pretty laid back about birthdays for our rainbow too, so that makes it feel a little better. We will always spend the day together, but what we do is negotiable.
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aprilz81
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Post by aprilz81 on Sept 10, 2017 13:18:51 GMT -6
Ava's first birthday will be here before we know it and I'm not sure what we are going to do and what we will do in the future. Growing up our birthdays were usually low key, but celebrated. We got to pick a home cooked meal of our choice, a cake, a few presents but we didn't have a party every year. As we got older we could have ONE friend spend the night on a weekend night and every few years or milestone birthdays we could have a party.
I imagine we will do something similar with our rainbow so I don't necessarily want a big production every year for Ava. I'm already very aware that if we do something "big" for Ava and then have some low key birthdays for Faith then that could send the wrong message to Faith as she gets older.
Right now I'm leaning towards a small cake or cupcakes for us and asking our friends and family to do a good deed in her memory. They could buy someone coffee, visit someone in a nursing home, donate to a charity, whatever they feel is right, kind of like a "pay it forward" campaign, but with no specific "task".
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Post by fikafairy on Sept 11, 2017 4:42:31 GMT -6
Our sunshine DS birthday is 9/20, and our DD's birth and loss date is 9/24. I imagine it's going to be difficult for us every year being so close together, but it is what it is.
This first year, I'm getting my memorial tattoo that weekend, and we are going to get purple roses and maybe a balloon to release. After her memorial service, we took all the flowers and sent them down the creek right near our house, so that's the plan with the roses.
Other that's the flowers, I don't think we will do much else big for the same reasons as the rest of you - DS birthday is usually pretty low key, and if we do something major as a "tradition" for him each year I'm sure it would feel like we are just lumping the days together.
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Post by rslh10 on Sept 11, 2017 12:46:10 GMT -6
We did a birthday party/balloon release for Kenley last year and our son was really into it. This year, we will do the same thing. Everyone got to write a note on the balloons they released and I think it was a good experience for all.
This year, Alden is here, so we will be including her, but she will only be 9 months old.
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hawkward
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Post by hawkward on Sept 12, 2017 7:13:42 GMT -6
We don't do much for Adair. H and I try to go on a date and talk about what-ifs, etc., but no specific rituals except I light a candle, but that's just for me.
I've been kicking a response around in my head the last couple of days, and I'm still having a hard time figuring how to word how I feel about it. As a rainbow kid myself, it kind of makes me hesitant to involve the boys in any yearly rituals. I'm having a hard time explaining why beyond the pressure of it. As I got older, I felt responsible for part of my mom's grief. They wanted four kids, and that fourth wasn't supposed to be me. Seeing how much my parents missed her sometimes made me wonder if they'd have rather had her (although my mom was careful to tell me she wanted ALL her children). I sometimes felt measured up to a sister who never forgot to take off her muddy shoes or do her chores.
As a loss mom, I can see it through my mother's eyes and understand completely, but I try to be cognizant of how I felt as a child when I talk to my boys about how we made our family.
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aprilz81
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Post by aprilz81 on Sept 12, 2017 8:18:50 GMT -6
We don't do much for Adair. H and I try to go on a date and talk about what-ifs, etc., but no specific rituals except I light a candle, but that's just for me. I've been kicking a response around in my head the last couple of days, and I'm still having a hard time figuring how to word how I feel about it. As a rainbow kid myself, it kind of makes me hesitant to involve the boys in any yearly rituals. I'm having a hard time explaining why beyond the pressure of it. As I got older, I felt responsible for part of my mom's grief. They wanted four kids, and that fourth wasn't supposed to be me. Seeing how much my parents missed her sometimes made me wonder if they'd have rather had her (although my mom was careful to tell me she wanted ALL her children). I sometimes felt measured up to a sister who never forgot to take off her muddy shoes or do her chores. As a loss mom, I can see it through my mother's eyes and understand completely, but I try to be cognizant of how I felt as a child when I talk to my boys about how we made our family. This is what I struggle with too. I'm a rainbow after an early miscarriage, but I didn't know this until I was much older (maybe my teens?) so I didn't feel the pressure. I want to walk that line between remembering Ava without making Faith feel like she is "less" or a "replacement". Honestly, this is one of the reasons I was hoping Faith would be a boy, the comparisons would automatically be different. I'm thinking we will still hang Ava's stocking, keep her shadow box on display and do something small on her birthday but not make everything IMPORTANT for Ava's birthday. We'll see how life goes, I know everything will change as the years pass. |
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jrun2013
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Post by jrun2013 on Sept 12, 2017 8:30:22 GMT -6
We don't do much for Adair. H and I try to go on a date and talk about what-ifs, etc., but no specific rituals except I light a candle, but that's just for me. I've been kicking a response around in my head the last couple of days, and I'm still having a hard time figuring how to word how I feel about it. As a rainbow kid myself, it kind of makes me hesitant to involve the boys in any yearly rituals. I'm having a hard time explaining why beyond the pressure of it. As I got older, I felt responsible for part of my mom's grief. They wanted four kids, and that fourth wasn't supposed to be me. Seeing how much my parents missed her sometimes made me wonder if they'd have rather had her (although my mom was careful to tell me she wanted ALL her children). I sometimes felt measured up to a sister who never forgot to take off her muddy shoes or do her chores. As a loss mom, I can see it through my mother's eyes and understand completely, but I try to be cognizant of how I felt as a child when I talk to my boys about how we made our family. I struggle a lot with this. This baby is scheduled to be born one year after my loss, within a week. I want to celebrate and remember Hallie, but I don't want to give this kid a complex. I don't know if there's any real solution, but I worry about it. |
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peaseblossom55
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Post by peaseblossom55 on Sept 15, 2017 18:49:31 GMT -6
hawkward, you bring up such a good point I never thought about.
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Post by longhornwino on Sept 17, 2017 20:28:14 GMT -6
O and C's first birthday is coming up. On the anniversary of our tx, we went to dinner, toasted to C, and just talked about everything we've been through, how different things would be if we still had both girls. On their birthday, we plan on getting two cupcakes and having a small celebration just us. At O's party, I've incorporated little symbols for C (a purple butterfly on O's onesie and on her cake). We also used C's Molly bear in some of O's birthday photos. I don't know what we'll do going forward. I hope to carry on having our own private celebration for both girls. I really appreciate hawkward's take on this. I'm just so torn because O is a twin, always will be, and I want her to have some sort of connection to her sister. But I never want her to feel like we would rather have C here. I used to say that I would give anything but O to have C back with us. I would never, ever trade my little girl for anything, and I hope she grows up knowing that. This shit is so fucking hard. |
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peaseblossom55
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Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.
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Post by peaseblossom55 on Oct 1, 2017 10:50:05 GMT -6
E birthday is coming up. I don't know how to handle all of it. It's so complicated the fine line between honoring Maggie and Anne.liese buy never making E feel we would rather M or A here instead. Hugs to you
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Post by happyin14 on Oct 4, 2017 6:27:28 GMT -6
My son was 2.5 and he’s still a huge part of our family. His little brother knows about him and talks about him. He has his own relationship with him and it’s sort of amazing. We try hard to make milestones fun and special.
For Jack’s birthday, we always go somewhere fun. We’ve been to Memphis, to Hershey and to Disney. I don’t know where we will go this year yet.... but it’s a tradition without pressure to be the exact same. And allow for changes as DS2 gets older and can’t miss school, etc.
His angel date is harder.... it looms every year and makes us a tad crazy. And I know I have the luxury of different dates... but we still go away. Usually to a beach with a stop at an amusement park. We want it to offer some ability for quiet reflection for my husband and I - not in the direct sight of DS2. But still fun and special for DS2. If that makes sense.
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Post by Queen Mamadala on Nov 7, 2017 18:04:38 GMT -6
We release balloons and either make or buy cupcakes every year for my son Duncan. My older kids usually draw a picture or write a note that we tie to the balloons. It's symbolic for us. His 9th birthday/"angelversary" is next Tuesday. My kids' birthdays are in Nov and Dec. It can be bittersweet. I thought about releasing butterflies this year, but it's a wee bit cold.
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