waitwhat
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Post by waitwhat on May 28, 2017 10:54:20 GMT -6
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kleigh
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Post by kleigh on May 28, 2017 11:01:32 GMT -6
Whoa whoa whoa.
Why are some of us still noobs and others are apprentice, junior member, member etc? I need to work on that.
We're going to my sisters for BBQ tomorrow and then our friends house (just the four of us) for more food and rum swizzles. They just got back from Bermuda and are in the spirit. I need to (a) come up with, (b) shop for, and (c) prepare a fun dessert. I just want it to be fun, she doesn't expect it. I'm thinking mini cheesecakes with strawberry drizzle and blueberries to garnish.
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danib
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Post by danib on May 28, 2017 11:03:47 GMT -6
kleigh mini cheesecake sounds awesome. Also I think apprentice is 50 posts and junior member is 100. I think.
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Post by goldenlove on May 28, 2017 11:24:23 GMT -6
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Post by jubilantsquirrel on May 28, 2017 11:28:09 GMT -6
Whoa whoa whoa. Why are some of us still noobs and others are apprentice, junior member, member etc? I need to work on that. We're going to my sisters for BBQ tomorrow and then our friends house (just the four of us) for more food and rum swizzles. They just got back from Bermuda and are in the spirit. I need to (a) come up with, (b) shop for, and (c) prepare a fun dessert. I just want it to be fun, she doesn't expect it. I'm thinking mini cheesecakes with strawberry drizzle and blueberries to garnish. I'm a full member :::giggles:::
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tgrimes
Diamond
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Post by tgrimes on May 28, 2017 12:04:11 GMT -6
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tgrimes
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Post by tgrimes on May 28, 2017 12:05:54 GMT -6
H didn't cooperate very well for pictures. I was able to find 2 okay ones to buy. He'd smile real big & then immediately have RBF when she's snap the picture. It was pretty funny.
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Post by tjanca22 on May 28, 2017 12:26:53 GMT -6
sophiegrace, she's adorable! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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danib
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Post by danib on May 28, 2017 15:21:28 GMT -6
H is soooo stuffed up. Please send good sleep juju.
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dashook
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Post by dashook on May 28, 2017 15:59:58 GMT -6
Good luck tonight danib! I need some good juju too. And maybe some advice? PDQ because I may poof later. *poof*
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dashook
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Post by dashook on May 28, 2017 16:01:13 GMT -6
^Jeez that got long. Tl;dr: my H is being a baby about not having sex and idk what to say to him.
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Post by jubilantsquirrel on May 28, 2017 16:21:46 GMT -6
First off, huge hugs dashook. I Would try to be honest with him. Obviously don't use the word repulsed, maybe "disconnected" would be a better term to describe what you're feeling? I wouldn't hold in your feelings though, in my experience that never goes well. As far as him complaining about the house, maybe write out what chores each of you are responsible for? That way if something is his job and it doesn't get done he has no one to blame but himself. Idk, I know MH and I had a rough spot patch after DS1 was born where he kept telling me I wasn't doing anything around the house and he was doing it all. We sat down and I wrote out everything that I was doing and also all that he was doing and it really helped for him to see it all on paper. It's also so important for you both to take time for not just the two of you but also individually. Obviously this is easier said than done, but if you could come up with some type of schedule, I think that might help. Like every Tuesday he gets home early enough so you can go to an Orangetheory. Or every Sunday night you guys have dinner together after the kids go to bed. I know he works a lot so I don't know if this would work. His job is important but so is your relationship and he needs to work on finding that work life balance. Everyone always says that the hardest part of marriage is the first year after a baby, and I'm finding that holds true for second babies as well.
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waitwhat
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Post by waitwhat on May 28, 2017 16:22:07 GMT -6
dashook get out of my head. I could have written your post word for word. I have those exact same thoughts going on here. I don't know what kind of advice to give because I also haven't dealt with it either but just know you are not alone.
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Post by sophiegrace on May 28, 2017 16:28:50 GMT -6
dashook I don't want to tell you want to and not to say to him, but it sounds like none of this stuff will resolve without a serious CTJ. They're painful and they suck, but we've had to have a handful of them since bringing Mia home and everything is so much better. And it's not all me laying it out on him. He spoke his grievances too...and you're right, it SUCKS. But, I would much rather hash it out than know he's walking around resenting me for ABC reasons. I can understand him coming at you with the sob story, but I'm sorry, not buying it. You have just as much on your plate with the addition of having to make up for five months lost time and you manage to make it work. I think that's the biggest cop out. Yeah dude no shit you feel like you aren't giving 100% everywhere you go. NONE of us are. It's impossible. You can't be the best husband/wife, employee, friend, parent all at the same time. It's just not possible. But he can try just a smidgen harder. Hugs lady. I respect you so incredibly much and think you're super woman. Remember that.
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danib
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Post by danib on May 28, 2017 17:06:58 GMT -6
Hugs ladies. This shit is soooo hard. DH and I are currently working toward "fixing" our relationship after a similar CTJ talk a few weeks ago. His complaint "lack of intimacy" (aka sex). Mine were more complex (being touched out, feeling like I'm respinsible for EVERYTHING, him not fighting fair (aka sob stories, getting mad at me for being mad at him, putting all the blame on me, etc), him being selfish (he always gets his gym time, he goes on boys nights, etc while I have to schedule time to get in the shower). Anyway, I laid it all out. But I said it how I felt (so rather than "not attracted to you", I'd stick to things like "I'm feeling overwhelmed/unappreciated/frustrated/touched out/etc") and the reasons why. I also once did what jubilantsquirrel said and wrote out a list of everything that gets done in the house (everything from dishes to sweeping to dusting to putting away toys scrubbing toilets, in detail and frequency to emphasize how much work it is) as well as all the tasks involved in childcare (feeding/bathing/clipping nails/teaching/etc). Him seeing on paper how much I actually do in a day (vs what he saw on the surface and vs what he was doing) was a huge shock for him and really changed his participation. I'm not gonna lie. He was pretty down on himself when all was said and done. He truly didn't realize that he was contributing so severely to our lack of intimacy. He legitimately believed I was just being distant and uninterested in our relationship. It was hard for him to hear and accept what I was telling him. But in the end I told him if he wanted things to get better then there needed to be big changes. ALSO, and I can't stress this part enough, you aren't going to jump from distance and no contact to all of a sudden having sex (and this was something I had to make DH understand). After so long, things get awkward. We actually both had to make it a point to start touching each other again (reaching out and holding the other person's hand, a shoulder squeeze when walking by, hugging, kiss goodbye, etc). Anyway this was my experience. And it is getting better. But it was definitely one of the hardest conversations we've had. It wasn't fun telling him things that I knew would hurt him. But for the sake of our relationship it had to be done.
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hangry
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Post by hangry on May 28, 2017 17:18:04 GMT -6
dashook I think it's also good to remind yourself that it's normal for relationships and attraction to ebb and flow. I like how JS used the word disconnect. We all disconnect at some point. To make it most effective, maybe try to summarize the chores left undone or grievances rather than listing each one out. It might not seem so aggressive that way. I hate going into these convos, but hopefully at least a small improvement comes of this. We're all here to hear you bitch or cheer on your accomplishments after!
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waitwhat
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Post by waitwhat on May 28, 2017 17:19:54 GMT -6
I'm drinking all the drinks tonight. 🍺🍷🍹🍾
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waitwhat
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Post by waitwhat on May 28, 2017 17:21:17 GMT -6
danib sending you sleep juju. Send some back my way. I already had a talk with J that he is not to practice crawling MOTN. Save that shit for tomorrow.
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hangry
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Post by hangry on May 28, 2017 17:30:33 GMT -6
danib I hope tonight goes ok for you! sophiegrace omg, are you kidding me with that cuteness. She is just too much! waitwhat be sure to report back here with all your passwords after you have all the drinks
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danib
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Post by danib on May 28, 2017 17:32:29 GMT -6
Crawling practice is for daytime only J waitwhat
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danib
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Post by danib on May 28, 2017 17:37:41 GMT -6
I should add, my big speil didn't all happen in 1 conversation. hangry was probably on to something about not wanting to seem too aggressive
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kleigh
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Post by kleigh on May 28, 2017 17:45:37 GMT -6
dashook I don't have a lot to add that hasn't already been wonderfully said. I *think* we've all been there at one time or another - whether it was just a day, a week, or months. I find that I get stressed when I'm responsible for what feels like EVERYTHING when all MH has to do is get up, shower, and go to work. Yes he helps with babies - from the hours of 5:30-6:30 (when he gets home from work through when they go to bed + overnights).. but I tend to feel like I do everything else. It stresses me and then I start to resent him and then I start to get depressed bc this is my best friend and the person I love more than anything that I'm feeling shitty toward. I feel like you def need to lay your cards out, it's hard to repair it when the other person doesn't realize how broken it is. I'll also say I agree with the points made about intimacy not coming right back but I also personally feel like it's a "try it until you buy it" thing... it felt so weird the first few times we tried reconnecting, but I kept trying and after a couple of times it did come back. There are still times when I'm like "bleh don't touch me" but (and we might be different here) but sometimes touch or intimacy is the very thing I actually needed - maybe not sex but to let my guard down, be hugged, kissed, held, loved.
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kleigh
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Post by kleigh on May 28, 2017 17:54:13 GMT -6
danib I hope tonight goes ok for you! sophiegrace omg, are you kidding me with that cuteness. She is just too much! waitwhat be sure to report back here with all your passwords after you have all the drinks I was as sober as a nun when that happened. Or wait, did waitwhat do something as foolish and I missed it?
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tallb
Amethyst
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Post by tallb on May 28, 2017 18:00:33 GMT -6
tgrimes try Gerber gentle, cagoldi recommended and wedding approved. They sell small ready made for sampling. Sorry he's still struggling. +5 about lack of interest.
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waitwhat
Sapphire
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Post by waitwhat on May 28, 2017 18:04:19 GMT -6
Lol no kleigh! Just you! But seriously, J is going to be a buzzkill tonight. He's already up and he won't just sit and relax. His legs are going wild and he keeps trying to climb up on me. Everytime he goes on to his belly he gets on all 4's and tries to start crawling and gets frustrated when he can't. This is going to be a long week. And I decided I was going to not drink the entire month of June (aside from a concert DH and I are going to). I might rethink this. Edited drinks = can't spell.
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Post by jubilantsquirrel on May 28, 2017 18:15:31 GMT -6
Moar beeeeeeeer!!
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Post by goldenlove on May 28, 2017 18:21:03 GMT -6
dashook I'm gonna have a hard time saying anything meaningful right now because H is sitting right next to me, but I think everyone gave you good advice and I'm taking note too. Just two nights ago H said I was distant and we still haven't talked about it but I'm sure it's coming.
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dashook
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Post by dashook on May 28, 2017 18:25:44 GMT -6
You guys are the absolute best. I'm obviously not glad that anyone else has had to be in this crappy situation but it really is heartening to know it's not just me. I'll let you know how it goes.
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Post by jubilantsquirrel on May 28, 2017 18:27:08 GMT -6
You guys are the absolute best. I'm obviously not glad that anyone else has had to be in this crappy situation but it really is heartening to know it's not just me. I'll let you know how it goes. Please just never forget how much of a BAMF you are!
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Post by jubilantsquirrel on May 28, 2017 18:27:42 GMT -6
And now peach Bellini!!!
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