Sharing your IF Journey

[jense927]

Just wondering what your experiences are with sharing your IF journey with others is/has been.  What are some pros and cons? 

We started off only telling a select few friends a few of which were also going through treatments. Now that we've been at it for ~3 years a lot more people know and the less selective I am about who knows. Except for my MIL. She knows very little of what is going on because I can't handle her reactions to these sorts of things. She blows everything up and somehow makes it about her so no thanks to that. 

I've found that it is mostly helpful for people to know. Keeping it a big secret was a stressful part of the process initially. Now work knows and is understanding when I take time off and having friends and family know allows me to vent when I need to. 

Cons are that people ask when you are feeling down and not wanting to talk about it or having them be disappointed when a cycle doesn't work 

[wisco]

**tw losses mentioned**

We're kind of in between about how open we are...after all our losses just about everyone in our community/social network/employment network knows we have been/are going through treatment. The con of having to share the disappointing news if a cycle isn't successful has been stressful to me in the past, so we've decided to be much more tight lipped this time. We don't plan on letting anyone in on the particulars until we get a strong repeat beta (and then it will be just immediate family). They may guess that we're cycling, but it is enough pressure when I'm peeing on all the sticks hoping for a 2nd line. The exception to this is our best friend couple who know every detail of everything because they've been through all of this with us, and we both need someone else to vent to when the going gets tough.

[daisy818]

I've become super open at work, at least among my female friends at the office.

*** TW - LC *** They all have young children and are all really excited and supportive - one has even offered me some maternity work clothes to wear around retrieval if I'm too bloated for my regular clothes *** End TW ***

I've also decided to just tell my supervisors what's going on with the IVF, since my schedule will be a bit unpredictable and I may need other attorneys to cover hearings, etc. Luckily, my above-mentioned lady colleagues have all volunteered to cover anything I need, and one has even offered to give me injections at work if needed (she helped give another friend shots for IVF a few years ago, so she's got some experience). Also, I've found that since I've opened up at work, I have far fewer people asking me when I'm going to have a baby, etc., although honestly most of them probably have guessed we're having trouble - we've been married 3 years and I always talked about how we wanted to have kids sooner rather than later, so they've probably put two and two together.

I also finally opened up with friends from school (all of whom live far away, so I never get to see them in person) - they were also all really supportive and understanding. By and large, it's been really good to tell people - it's helped me get over the secretive, shameful feelings I used to have and realize that I don't have to deal with this alone. On the other hand, I'm still somewhat selective about who I tell - for example, I know my grandmother would be super judgmental about IVF (she's very opposed to it for religious reasons) and she's frankly the type who would refuse to acknowledge any baby I had via IVF, even though it would be her only great-grandbaby in town. She's a peach, let me tell you.

[bonzo]

A couple days ago, I had this long response typed up but then the page refreshed randomly and I lost it. But the gist was that we started out being very selective about who we told, but I've started just being generally more open and it feels good. Our parents and siblings know, as do my closest friends; they all get regular updates when we're cycling.

Our close group knows (partly, H ended up blurting it out one night with the guys because they were ribbing him for not drinking right before IVF1, and he finally just said "we have IVF in 2 days and I can't drink until after!") This is a group of friends we see at a minimum once a week, and some of the ladies knew before it was "public" knowledge, but now all 8 of these friends know. At first I was slightly annoyed that H blurted it out to the guys without running it past me, but at the same time it's nice not to have to be evasive. When it's hard to make plans too far ahead, I can just say so instead of making excuses. The other thing is, I had noticed that I sometimes felt almost jealous of the support some friends were getting through other life hurdles, but it's not like people can provide support if they don't know I need it! So being able to share what we're going through means that I can actually get support and understanding when I need it.

As for work, at this point only one person I work with knows. IF hasn't impacted work too much yet, but IVF1 did have the ER during tech week of one show. I let the appropriate people know that I was having a minor surgical procedure, and that was fine. But one person at the theater did ask when I got back what the surgery was for, and I told her. I didn't go into all of the emotions or diagosis or anything, just said that we were doing IVF. There are a few other people through work I wouldn't mind telling if it came up, but so far it hasn't.