Since the move over here, I've been terrible at stalking and I just can't find the strength to attend the "group" after loss check ins. They are too hard for me (seeing the people I knew who had babies around Kenley is just too much...I know you can relate...)
So, how about our own little check in here? How are you doing? How are things going for you? What's new? How's your grief? I'd love to hear all about what's up with you ladies.
My grief is "gone" in that while I get sad at times I can think of Ava and laugh at her being stubborn at ultrasounds or stopping movement at the moment DH would touch my stomach. In some ways I think of her more now that I'm pregnant again than immediately after we lost her. I can't help but compare the two pregnancies, or growth rates, or nursery designs. This is probably common, but I think of her most when I'm at a doctor's appointment, especially if it is a MFM appointment at the hospital. I so wish she was here with us.
I will be 15 weeks tomorrow and so far everything is showing a healthy little girl. We have named her Faith Elizabeth. Panorama shows low risk and our NT scan was normal. Faith has measured on track at each ultrasound which has been a huge relief because Ava was always small. I volunteered to be a "test subject" to train ultrasound techs and while this was not diagnostic in any way we were able to see an open hand (Ava's were always fisted), the diaphragm with the stomach below, and her femurs were measuring on track. So far everything looks good and we have an appointment with MFM next week (16 week growth scan) and then 4 weeks later for our full anatomy scan. I'm sure I'll be worried but we've had so much good news so far that I'm not as stressed out as I thought I would be.
AFM, we're approaching September, which means we're approaching Lincoln's birthday. I know now the lead up is worse than the actual day. However, that knowledge doesn't actually make the lead up any easier. I just miss him so much. It's been over 3 years and I just want to hold him again.
We're planning the 4th annual Lincoln Classic - Links for Lincoln golf outing, so that at least is a nice distraction. The event will be one week after what should be Lincoln's 4th birthday. We've been able to donate over $30,500 in three years, and I'm looking forward to increasing that number! The money goes to fund liver research at our local children's hospital. Some days, the outing lets me feel like we're doing something great for kids like Lincoln. Other days, it just comforts me to know we're reminding the folks on the liver team at the hospital, and everyone we know, that Lincoln was there, he was important, and he mattered.
Post by peaseblossom55 on Aug 8, 2017 19:59:55 GMT -6
The summer has been tough, about 2 weeks ago was Maggie's first birthday. It feels so sad, I miss her so much, especially when I see her sister. In 3 weeks is Anne.liese's second birthday. I can't believe it will be two years. I miss her more than words can every say. I feel like the loss of my two girls has really forever changed me, and these losses will always been a sadness that lingers for the rest of my life.
I actually came here to post tonight, I am not sure how I should celebrate Anne.liese's second birthday. First birthdays are a balloon release and a birthday cake. I think perhaps doing flying wish paper and making a donation to the Anne Frank foundation. I am still not sure.
aprilz81 I'm so happy to hear that Faith is growing on track and things are going well! What great news! I know what you mean about wishing they were here with us...
heartpresidents I agree that the lead up is way worse than the actual day. It's just awful. I wish you could hold your sweet baby again as well. You have raised SO much money in Lincolns name!!! That's amazing! What a wonderful thing to do.
peaseblossom55 I'm so sorry you are dealing with both girls birthdays so close together. I think of you and Sweet A so much. I wonder what they would be doing as well. Every time I place Alden down into Kenley's crib, I think of you and your girl. I know we had the same crib picked for our perfect girls who didn't get to come home. (((Hugs)))
AFM- I'm doing ok. Alden is such a happy baby, and I often wonder if Kenley would have been too. I see things in Alden and wonder if K would have been similar? My grief is still here. It's always going to be here, and I'm ok with that. I am currently putting together the care packs for Kenley's second birthday donation. When I first posted about it, I had Packages from Amazon coming in every single day and it just warmed my heart so much. We have probably 40% of everything I need so far and I'm looking forward to the next steps to make it all come true.
Post by peaseblossom55 on Aug 8, 2017 21:15:33 GMT -6
rslh10 yes I forgot about the cribs! All the time I wonder what Anne.liese would have been like especially compared to her sister. Especially when I think about E and her twin sister too. I'm also 95% sure we are not going to risk trying for anymore children. Hugs to you.
I'm doing okay, most of the time. We are coming up on 1 year, right after DS' birthday in September. We are actively moving forward with IVF and PGD thanks to winning a grant for it, and while it feels like a really positive step for us, sometimes it makes me feel so guilty that we hope we get to bring HOME a healthy little girl at the end of the process. Since we are doing PGD we will likely get to choose if we have enough compatible, normal embryos.
aprilz81, I wouldn't call my grief "gone" but I often feel like you do, where it's easier to think of Krist.ina without falling apart, and remembering how she always would be bouncing like crazy for every ultrasound (of the MANY) except when DH was there, where she was just calm and chilled out. I always wonder what we would be doing now, what she would be like, and how our lives would be if we hadn't lost her.
We are working on what we plan on doing for her birthday, and my sister told me over the weekend that she and her husband have a plan for how to celebrate her birthday too. I told her to tell me what it was afterwards.
I'm starting to think of Ava's first birthday and what we should do... I just can't decide.
I also realized this week (TW for current pregnancy mention ahead) that this will be the third straight year I will have been pregnant on September 17 (FIL's birthday). I found out I was pregnant on his birthday in 2015 and miscarried a few days later, last September I was pregnant with Ava and dealing with all of testing and stress over what would happen to her. This year I'm pregnant again with what looks to be our take home baby. I'm happy to be blessed with this baby, but I want my other babies too.
Post by peaseblossom55 on Aug 28, 2017 21:37:50 GMT -6
aprilz81 for Maggie and Anne.liese's first birthday I got them a card made a birthday cake for them from scratch and we did a balloon release with a note attached. I tried to honor them and not be sad but it still stings. I hope you find a great way to honor and celebrate Ava.