Kids at funerals

[pbjam]

My Aunt passed away this past weekend and the funeral is this coming Saturday. It's closed casket so, I'm not worried about that part, but DS is nearly 10 and wants to go. The thing is, it is a long day. 2 hours receiving, hour service at church, ride 20 minutes to cemetery, wake, etc.

I'm looking for things to keep him occupied that aren't electronics. My cousins kids from across the country that are the same age will be there too, so it's a plus if it's something that they could do together quietly.

They are 10, near 10, 8, so coloring isn't probably something they'd do. Is Uno quiet enough?

My Aunt was ever organized and a master of ceremonies. She was even refining her funeral plans till a few days before she passed. She was the matriarch of the family and this will likely be the last time I we see some family members.

I don't want to just give in to the phone/kindle/switch knowing that her intention was to get us all together.

[spicysalmonroll]

I’m sorry for your family’s loss.
Maybe if they are too old to color, what about word search books/ sudoku stuff like that?
A game like I Spy. My 8 year old and I play a game for hours where we think of any animal and the other person asks questions to guess it (does it fly, does it live in a zoo, is it a pet, etc)
Etch a sketch

[FlightView]

I've brought mine to Russian Orthodox funerals and those are long. They played with cousins, no big deal. Bring snacks.

[peachtree]

Usually there is a space away from the main receiving area at a funeral home for family to get a break so playing cards in there would be fine. My kids also like monopoly go! Which is a good quick game.

Puzzle books are also great. Ones like this: a.co/d/02xSdH5

Something like this is good too a.co/d/gO3VOXP

[Cher]

My oldest is ten. Maybe this is unpopular, but in these situations, I tell him I need him to act like a big kid. If he wanted to go (and he’s gone to a lot of funerals), I would reinforce manners, talking to his family, appropriate funeral etiquette, etc. but I wouldn’t bring games or anything.

[pbjam]

Aug 6, 2024 16:25:38 GMT -6 Cher said:

My oldest is ten. Maybe this is unpopular, but in these situations, I tell him I need him to act like a big kid. If he wanted to go (and he’s gone to a lot of funerals), I would reinforce manners, talking to his family, appropriate funeral etiquette, etc. but I wouldn’t bring games or anything.

I appreciate this take. I think I'm most worried because he's 1. Never been to a funeral and 2. Never been to church. So this is trial by fire for me.

He's also desperate for family members his age, and these 2 from across the country are it. Part of me wants to let them have some time to bond/mourn together in their own way too. Not sure if that makes sense.

[Cher]

Aug 6, 2024 16:32:39 GMT -6 pbjam said:

Aug 6, 2024 16:25:38 GMT -6 Cher said:

My oldest is ten. Maybe this is unpopular, but in these situations, I tell him I need him to act like a big kid. If he wanted to go (and he’s gone to a lot of funerals), I would reinforce manners, talking to his family, appropriate funeral etiquette, etc. but I wouldn’t bring games or anything.

I appreciate this take. I think I'm most worried because he's 1. Never been to a funeral and 2. Never been to church. So this is trial by fire for me.

He's also desperate for family members his age, and these 2 from across the country are it. Part of me wants to let them have some time to bond/mourn together in their own way too. Not sure if that makes sense.

I get it. And I promise my response wasn’t intended as snarky, more kids that age are capable of this. I would kind of brief him on what to expect, so he’s not completely caught off-guard. And I don’t think anyone expects kids to stand at attention, the entire time. During the viewing or if there’s a luncheon afterwards, it’s a great opportunity for him to bond with his cousins.

If it’s any reassurance, we’ve had 3 funerals in recent months that I brought my kids to. My wild 6 year old, who is essentially a raccoon trapped in a trash bag, made it through the viewing, church and burial with zero issues. If anything, he was really interested, which is another thing to unpack. But I think your son will impress you!

[byjove]

We had a family funeral with my 9 and 7 yo daughters and my mom packed sticker pages and coloring books for all the kiddos and really kids of all ages were doing it when they needed a break. Likewise had never been to church or through a funeral and it was novel enough that they were able to be still and pay attention. The coloring etc was more during the down moments.

*like sticker puzzle books and some of those silly blank faces where you use stickers to create a silly face, etc.

[Sweetjane]

Aug 6, 2024 16:16:01 GMT -6 FlightView said:

I've brought mine to Russian Orthodox funerals and those are long. They played with cousins, no big deal. Bring snacks.

Honestly, a funeral was the best time for my kids to reconnect with cousins. Especially at those young ages, that sat quietly and braided hair, had gummy snacks (quiet) and played together. I also would usually bring a small ziploc with a matchbox car and some random legos.

*the playing and toys are not for the service, just the family room or lobby

[mapleme]

MH has a big family and my kids (8 and 10) have been to a handful of funerals, including most recently for my FIL, whom they were close to. The funeral homes always have extra space that people can just move around. My kids were there for part of the service, but got uncomfortable and asked if they could go outside, so they did. Then they came back in (they knew that sitting respectfully was expected of them while in the service). Cards or something quiet and not wildly interesting for them to do outside of where the services are seems good. But overall, at that age, if they know what is expected of them and they have an "out" it's just fine. Other kids have never been a problem at any of the services that I've been to either. It's not going to be a "fun" day, but at that age, they can read a room.

[lucilleaustero]

Aug 6, 2024 16:40:24 GMT -6 Cher said:

Aug 6, 2024 16:32:39 GMT -6 pbjam said:

I appreciate this take. I think I'm most worried because he's 1. Never been to a funeral and 2. Never been to church. So this is trial by fire for me.

He's also desperate for family members his age, and these 2 from across the country are it. Part of me wants to let them have some time to bond/mourn together in their own way too. Not sure if that makes sense.

I get it. And I promise my response wasn’t intended as snarky, more kids that age are capable of this. I would kind of brief him on what to expect, so he’s not completely caught off-guard. And I don’t think anyone expects kids to stand at attention, the entire time. During the viewing or if there’s a luncheon afterwards, it’s a great opportunity for him to bond with his cousins.

If it’s any reassurance, we’ve had 3 funerals in recent months that I brought my kids to. My wild 6 year old, who is essentially a raccoon trapped in a trash bag, made it through the viewing, church and burial with zero issues. If anything, he was really interested, which is another thing to unpack. But I think your son will impress you!

This.

We had 3 funerals this summer and my 9 year old was told he needed to be on his hest behavior. That's it. There were a lot of kids at my uncle's and the 4 and 5 year olds would sometimes say something or laugh or whatever. Nobody really cared. We did bring picture books for the younger ones during the church, as none of them have experience in a church. And my uncle's was a full mass, a two hour drive Vento the burial, a burial ceremony and reception after. Talking like a 10 hour day. They did great and the occasional loudness made most people laugh.

I bet he does great.

[spicysalmonroll]

Cher very true you are right. It’s hard for me to imagine my wild, hyper, immature son at an event like that so I immediately answered with different games but you def have me rethinking if I’m ever in this situation thanks

[lizblue]

Some of my fondest childhood memories are with my cousins at funerals. I remember the “kid room” and needing to be quiet and polite but also really loving hanging out with my cousins who I really only saw at weddings and funerals. All this to say, I think he will be ok!

Cher I love that your mean baby is growing up with raccoon in a trash bag energy. I love him and you so much.

[pbjam]

Thank you so much for all the replies. After reading what everyone said I think I will forgo bringing anything. Maybe a snack for the car ride since it's a bit of a ride.

[STP]

Depends on the kid, and their sensory needs, but at that age yeah I'd just expect them to behave.

But I also wouldn't have a problem handing them a device after a few hours if they need a break .

[angelashly]

Aug 7, 2024 9:03:16 GMT -6 STP said:

Depends on the kid, and their sensory needs, but at that age yeah I'd just expect them to behave.

But I also wouldn't have a problem handing them a device after a few hours if they need a break .

This
My dd at the age of 13 has been to many funerals. She behaves and talks to people but sometimes just needs a break so we would let her go to the little room with food and get on her phone or whatever.

I wouldn’t overthink it or bring to much

[Cher]

Aug 7, 2024 7:06:01 GMT -6 lizblue said:

Some of my fondest childhood memories are with my cousins at funerals. I remember the “kid room” and needing to be quiet and polite but also really loving hanging out with my cousins who I really only saw at weddings and funerals. All this to say, I think he will be ok!

Cher I love that your mean baby is growing up with raccoon in a trash bag energy. I love him and you so much.

Love you!

He’s the best. At the luncheon for my grandfather’s funeral, we sent him over to a table where my gambler cousin was with a stack of ones to challenge him to an arm wrestling match. It was the ultimate Sophie’s Choice: win a bet or let a little kid shine. Before you knew it, every adult was pulling out their wallet and betting on my kid arm wrestling. He walked out of the funeral with a giant stack of bills. I’m pretty sure my Grandfather would have loved it.

He just had his birthday this week. First three gifts he opened from his party: money gun, lottery scratch-offs and DJ turntables. People def appreciate his raccoon trash bag- vibe.

[roselab]

Aug 6, 2024 16:25:38 GMT -6 Cher said:

My oldest is ten. Maybe this is unpopular, but in these situations, I tell him I need him to act like a big kid. If he wanted to go (and he’s gone to a lot of funerals), I would reinforce manners, talking to his family, appropriate funeral etiquette, etc. but I wouldn’t bring games or anything.

While I would hold this expectation for part of the time, my experience with funerals is that families love seeing the kids, it can bring some levity to what is a tough day for many, and most people expect kids to act their age within the situation.  So while I would expect my kid(s) to dress appropriately, greet everyone, pay their own respects, etc., after an appropriate amount of time, I would find it totally normal for it to be 'enough' for them and for them to be able to go to a more secluded room where they can not be 'on' as a big kid.  I would still expect them to be respectful and quiet (we've had young kids running around laughing/screaming/playing tag in the main viewing room at funerals, and that's not what I'm talking about here).  But I would think card games, puzzle books, brain teaser fidgets if they like those, a book to read, etc. are fine to have to keep them occupied.  I wouldn't want my kid to be gone from the main room the whole time, but needing breaks is fine IMO.  

Also, it's been my experience that the rooms off the main room sometimes have stuff like board games to keep kids occupied.  I think it's a common occurrence.  

[gimmeaQ]

yeah maybe just some blank pages for the side room during visitation or something but i wouldn't over think it. often kids are good for cutting tension at funerals so i'd expect them to behave for the most part and have the side room available for breaks when appropriate