TW Family death, child grief advice

[Lali]

Hi ladies, I'm not very active on the boards but have followed around since The Bump and TCF and I've always valued your opinion.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for but something horrible happened to our family at the beginning of this year and I could use some advice on how to navigate the situation with my kids. 
PDQ ***TRIGGER WARNING***
Four close relatives died in a very tragic and violent way, two of them were children and they were very close to my kids, same ages, my kids and theirs were the only kids in our family so they were raised almost like siblings during the first few years of their lives. Around Covid, I had a fallout with my relative and even though we were not talking to each other our kids kept in touch through text, FaceTime, they had sleepovers often at other relatives house, went to each other birthdays, etc. 
After they died DH and I struggled hard with how much information to give the kids, we told them they all had died, and asked them if they had any questions, DS6 asked how it happened and I only told them I was not sure and did not have all the information yet. We decided not to bring them to any of the funeral or burial arrangements and they've never visited the cemetery. They only attended a memorial ceremony they had at the kids school and two small family gatherings we had for their birthdays. DH and I always bring up their cousins in a positive way, talk to them about the memories we had together, and try to keep communication open and so their deaths don't turn into a taboo topic. A few weeks ago I asked DD10 if she wanted to talk more about what had happened or if she had any questions and she said no and changed the topic quickly, the only thing she said was that she doesn't like talking about it because it makes her sad.
I have been struggling a lot with the pain of their deaths and the grief process and started seeing a therapist to deal with everything but I can't stop thinking about how this is affecting my kids and I have regrets about how I handled the situation, the first weeks were very dark and this was very unexpected so we were just going through the motions. Recently I have seen some changes in DD behavior that make me wonder if it can be related to this or if is just pre puberty but she has been super irritable, we have tears and screams every day about the smallest things, she's always been a very sensitive kid but it is getting worse every day and I just don't know how to help her. I have talked to counselors but I have not found someone with experience in this type of situation.

Thanks for reading all this, I gave a very simplistic version of the situation to protect our privacy but if anyone has any advice or has gone through anything similar I would love to hear how you handle it. 

[joy]

I’m sorry this has happened. Our family suffered a tragedy earlier this summer and the instinct was to not say anything to my kid. Then I was like “I’ll just say he died.” But, in the end, I realized that I had to tell her the truth in an age appropriate way. Kids need to trust their adults. I watched other family members stumble through questions because they thought they were shielding their kids. All it did was confuse and scare the kids.

I know these situations aren’t the same, but I may sit both back down to offer whatever truth you can about what happened in an age-appropriate way. Then leave it with if they have more questions about any of it to come ask you. You will always tell them the truth. And maybe ask if they want to do something to honor their cousins; maybe spend a day doing something they enjoyed? I think just closing their circle on the situation may help them process better what has happened.

[roselab]

I'm sorry this happened.
I don't have a ton of experience with grief in kids, but I have a very sensitive DD who over-reacts to a lot of situations. She is 12 almost 13, and she's been in therapy for 2 years now. I'm a big fan of therapy for kids, and it took me a while to accept that it didn't matter WHY DD was struggling to control her emotions and over-reacting to things, it just matter that she was, and neither of us knew how to help teach her other ways to deal with her emotions, so therapy was that help. My DD ended up being diagnosed with OCD anxiety, and after the first few months we were able to get her in with an OCD specific therapist, but even just seeing a general therapist helped.

[daisy]

I am so sorry. I think therapy for everyone would be a good idea. With their cousins gone so quickly and mysteriously, the kids might also be wondering if they, too, could suddenly just die. I do think it’s probably important to tell them more about what happened, but I completely understand that there is a lot that might not be appropriate to fully share. Maybe your therapist could help you Navigate that discussion and figure out how much or what would be best to say. Again, I’m so sorry.

[babybean]

I’m very sorry for your loss. I have a number of issues that I think stems from my aunt passing when I was a kid. No one really helped me with my grief or talked to me about it even though I was in the room when she died. I think open communication is the most important thing. There’s an age appropriate way to explain just about everything to children. Sometimes things will be painful for them even when presented in a way that’s easier to process - that’s okay. The confusion and lack of guidance and tools to process their feelings alone is worse IMO. I think therapy would be a good place to start.

[addymac]

Get them into therapy. ASAP.

And maybe a visit to the cemetery? It can seem like such a surreal thing to them but maybe seeing the tombstone can give them some closure in a way that memorials and gatherings don’t.

Do you think they may have googled their names and death and found something that mentioned the cause of death?

It’s never too late to talk about it even when they say they don’t want to. You can respect their wishes for them to not talk about it but you can also say you want to tell them more info so if they have questions They know they can come to you.

And I second whomever mentioned maybe they’re worried they can die suddenly too. I recently went to visit my aunt dying of cancer and my 6yo asked his dad if I was going to catch what she had and die too. If kids don’t know, they can imagine all sorts of inaccurate things.

I’m so sorry for your loss and the trauma it’s caused to everyone.

[klong11]

You might reach out to their school counselor to see if they can have a visit with your children together or individually to see where they are at. Talking to them might allow them to open up a bit and that counselor can likely refer you to the best therapists for them in your area.

[sweetpea]

DD1 lost her 2nd grade teacher at the beginning of 3rd grade to cancer. I contacted the school counselor who talked with her the first day, but we put in therapy too. The therapy (which we did via Zoom) really helped because like your oldest she would say everything was fine and wouldn't really talk to us about her. It has been 9 months since the teacher passed and she can talk about the teacher without getting teary and talk about the good things. There were a few grief books for kids (one by Maria Shriver) that we borrowed that helped her too; we thought she didn't look at them but the therapist said she took them to school

So sorry that you're dealing with this. It is hard watching them in pain

[Sweetjane]

Jul 25, 2024 9:24:37 GMT -6 klong11 said:

You might reach out to their school counselor to see if they can have a visit with your children together or individually to see where they are at. Talking to them might allow them to open up a bit and that counselor can likely refer you to the best therapists for them in your area.

This was my original thought as well. We had a similar tragedy near us a couple if years ago and it made the national news. It was so high profile that the schools were well prepared with resources and also already familiar with the case.

[Lali]

Thank you for responding. They did see their school counselor a couple times after it happened. I’m going to reach out to her again when school starts.


One of the reasons why we decided not to give them a full explanation is because one of the parents was the one who mur der the kids and the other parent before committing su i cide. In our head that would be too terrifying for them to know that something like that can happen.
Our kids don’t have phones yet, and even though I’m very on top of their online activity it would be naive from me to assume they are not going to be able to get more information if they Google their names, it was a very publicized case so they don’t have to dig too deep to find out what happened.

[GhoatMonket]

I was really hoping that wasn't what it was Lali, but I had a feeling.

See if you can reach out to the school counselor now. If cost is an issue regarding therapy, then see if they have some resources to help with that for them and for yourself.

If they don't find it online, someone else will say something to them. Don't let them learn it that way.

[CestLaVie]

My experience is limited to just DV piece of it, not the death piece, but I kind of learned the hard way not to shield the kids too much and to relay age appropriate facts. At first I thought it would be better if they didn't know anything about what was happening (protection order, etc). I think it ended up causing so much more stress for them because it created a ton of unknowns and anxiety. Also I was very naive to what they did know. I thought they didn't know about the DV really, but they did, and me shielding them actually ended up invalidating their own feelings completely which was not my intention.

Maybe they have already seen things that have caused them to suspect it anyway and they are grappling with that on their own. I think a conversation with honest facts is really important (no judgement as I did it the other way too).

[klong11]

@lali when school starts up, you might let their teachers know how close they were. This way if they notice any noteworthy behaviors they can let the counselor and you know as well.

Also give them each a journal. Let them know it is private for just them. If they write/draw something they want you to read, then they can put it in a special place and you can respond in the journal. They may not be able to say certain things out loud. And even if they don't want you to read it, it is at least giving them an outlet.

[kittyriot]

I just want to say, first and foremost, you did the best you could when you found out. You were reeling from the trauma yourself and then trying to sort out how to share with your kids...that's a lot. You did nothing wrong.

Now following, you see room for more. I 100% agree with others, counseling for your kids should be the priority. With someone who specializes in working with kids (I would say a child's grief counsellor but we don't all have equal access to specialized care, so I just say, do you best...). If you have somewhere nearby that offers Victim support, you should consider that. In that space family members are usually identified as victims as well and it might allow you too access services free or at a deep discount. If you want to PM me, I am happy to poke around and see what might be available in your area.

Moving forward I would encourage them to talk as openly about their cousins as they're comfortable, respond in like, share as openly and as clearly as you can (plain, simple language is best). Just try to provide them as much emotional safety as you can, the more you do that, hopefully they lean into it.