A Thread about Domestic Violence

[CestLaVie]

peachesncream I am really glad you saw it. It is such a hard thing to mentally grapple with when your reality is constantly being shifted. It took my therapist sitting me down with the power and control wheel and a 4 page checklist of different types of abuse to be like holy crap. I checked off like 45 things, but because "punched" wasn't checked my mind had been like, welp, problem's definitely me.

[CestLaVie]

It is really good information for those who want to look. Here is one version:



If you search power and control wheel, a ton of different ones come up. I found the lists to be super helpful. The book my therapist gave me was called When Love Hurts.
The link to chapter 1 is here:
chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/https://www.whenlovehurts.ca/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/chapterone_whenlovehurts_2008.pdf

But this is a really great guided journal. It helped clarify things so much for me.

Lists like this kind of opened my eyes. Sometimes it is so insidious and seeped into everything, it's hard to really see it. Like for example ex would always buy me gifts based on things he berated me about. He thought I was fat. He's buy me a shirt (in not my style, because he didn't like my style, so his style) and it would be a size too small, with the implication that "you'll get there". And if I would bitch about it, I would be made to feel ungrateful or like how could he possibly be expected to try when I act like this. Collecting thousands of these experiences without knowing how to articulate it leaves you in a really weird place, where you can't be 100% sure that the problem isn't actually you.

[CestLaVie]

One more sign I forgot to mention was being unable to make decisions. In my career I was and am really strong. I'm a leader. I'm in upper management. I have zero problems making decisions and I think I have fairly good judgement.

At home, the smallest shit would absolutely paralyze me. I'd go to the grocery store (being sent there for snacks) and absolutely just stand in front of the snacks paralyzed, unable to decide. And the thought pattern was if I buy the wrong thing, he'll be mad. If I buy one of everything he'll be mad about the money I spent. I can't ask because he'll say that he always has to coach me on basic items and I'm essentially useless. It got to the point where I literally could not make decisions about anything without intense anxiety.

Even to this day if someone asks me to choose the snack or the movie, I feel panicked, like I will inevitably choose the wrong thing. I have to work through a TON of stuff like this that comes up.

[joy]

Ugh, I hate that I have so much inside me to say on this topic, as well.

I feel like I was raised to see abuse as hitting or leaving bruises; if it wasn’t either, then it wasn’t abuse. One of the hardest things to wrap my brain around is that what I was taught abuse was is not what it actually is.

Abuse is emotional, physical, financial and sexual. Physical and sexual are touched on in courts but emotional and financial are nearly ignored. And I say “touched on” because you can present evidence of both but you will still be asked if your story is real, if it happened, and treated as if it couldn’t be that bad. It’s disgusting.

Emotional and financial are just as devastating. The bruises left on your psyche are just as damaging and have longer lasting effects. But how do you show evidence of it? When a bruise isn’t enough for a judge, then how is a text conversation or retelling of a story going to get anyone to understand the three-dimensional hell that is your life?

Aside from sitting here saying that all courts need an overhaul in understanding what abuse actually is and actually looks like, I want to say this instead: A child having at least one safe/stable home is enough to protect them against a chaotic/abusive household. Don’t stay because you think that at least if you are there when the abuse happens, then you can protect your kids. No. The best thing you can do is get out, give them a home with love and honesty and safety. Even if they can only be there 50% of the time, they will be better off than living in abuse 100% of the time.

Obviously I say this as assuming the financial abuse hasn’t made it so you cannot leave. But even if you feel it has, there are supports out there. There are people with open arms waiting to help you. There are people who are educated on abuse who understand the landscapes and are right outside your home. If you need help finding these resources, please reach out to those in this thread who have offered it. We *mean* it from the depths of our hearts because we’ve seen these situation up close. None of us want for you what we’ve seen in others.

[adelbert]

Thanks so much for sharing! It's so wonderful you were able to get out for you and for your children.

[zoeylucy]

CestLaVie ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[goldenbird]

Thank you for posting this. ❤️ I'm so glad you got out and are safe.

[coconutbacon]

Sending you so much love CestLaVie You’re an incredible human.