Underage drinking at home

[mischa]

DD is going off to college in the fall. I know she’s been in situations where alcohol has been available and will be in more of those situations in college. I’ve had discussions with her about drinking “safely” etc. My question is, would you be comfortable with your underage kid occasionally having a drink when they are at home? One of us is, and the other is not. Trying to get a general idea of if this is considered no big deal or what. We live in a state where an underage kid can have a drink if with a guardian.

[sweptaway]

I would be comfortable letting an almost college aged kid have a small glass of wine or beer with a meal at home. I wouldn't be hosting parties or letting her drink to excess.
You say she's been around alcohol- has she been drinking (I would assume yes)? What are those conversations like?
What is your goal in letting her have a drink at home?

[ponyhairs]

I guess for me it would depend on the circumstance and I guess the purpose. Do you want her to know what it feels like to be drunk and want to give her a safe space to test those limits or is it more of you are having a nice family dinner and want to share a glass of wine with her?

[mischa]

May 28, 2024 12:59:54 GMT -6 sweptaway said:

I would be comfortable letting an almost college aged kid have a small glass of wine or beer with a meal at home. I wouldn't be hosting parties or letting her drink to excess.
You say she's been around alcohol- has she been drinking (I would assume yes)? What are those conversations like?
What is your goal in letting her have a drink at home?

She hasn’t had a drink yet. She’s had negative reactions to energy drinks and coffee so she is worried she will react to alcohol poorly.
I’m ok with her trying a drink with us to see if she reacts ok. But beyond the initial experiment, I have mixed feelings about moving forward, letting her drink at home whenever she wants. I don’t think there is a worthwhile benefit of letting her drink at home beyond the first time of trying it in a safe space. DH doesn’t see any issues with it.

[sweptaway]

May 28, 2024 13:15:07 GMT -6 mischa said:

May 28, 2024 12:59:54 GMT -6 sweptaway said:

I would be comfortable letting an almost college aged kid have a small glass of wine or beer with a meal at home. I wouldn't be hosting parties or letting her drink to excess.
You say she's been around alcohol- has she been drinking (I would assume yes)? What are those conversations like?
What is your goal in letting her have a drink at home?

She hasn’t had a drink yet. She’s had negative reactions to energy drinks and coffee so she is worried she will react to alcohol poorly.
I’m ok with her trying a drink with us to see if she reacts ok. But beyond the initial experiment, I have mixed feelings about moving forward, letting her drink at home whenever she wants. I don’t think there is a worthwhile benefit of letting her drink at home beyond the first time of trying it in a safe space. DH doesn’t see any issues with it.

I'd be ok letting her have an occasional glass or two during family meals/times etc. going forward (so, beyond just the one time experiment).  I wouldn't give her carte blanche to drink as much as she wants whenever she wants just because she's home. One of those things sets her up for more healthy habits than the other. 

[angelashly]

May 28, 2024 13:36:29 GMT -6 sweptaway said:

May 28, 2024 13:15:07 GMT -6 mischa said:

She hasn’t had a drink yet. She’s had negative reactions to energy drinks and coffee so she is worried she will react to alcohol poorly.
I’m ok with her trying a drink with us to see if she reacts ok. But beyond the initial experiment, I have mixed feelings about moving forward, letting her drink at home whenever she wants. I don’t think there is a worthwhile benefit of letting her drink at home beyond the first time of trying it in a safe space. DH doesn’t see any issues with it.

I'd be ok letting her have an occasional glass or two during family meals/times etc. going forward (so, beyond just the one time experiment).  I wouldn't give her carte blanche to drink as much as she wants whenever she wants just because she's home. One of those things sets her up for more healthy habits than the other. 

This

My grandma had the rule once you were 18/out of high school she would give you wine at holiday dinners

My mom let me have wine or wine cooler type drink with her sometimes and I never abused it.

We will do like my sister does. If you are with us we will allow you to try or have a drink once in a while at 18.

I honestly have a very healthy relationship with alcohol despite my biological mom’s family having issues with alcohol and I think it’s because i was reminded of that by my dad but also drinking was never seen as taboo if that makes sense

[STP]

I believe it is important to model healthy alcohol consumption, and if my over 18 kid was in for the night, I would allow them a glass of wine or a beer. I would not do so if there were other underage people in the home (who don't live here).

Obviously my relationship with alcohol hasn't always been what it should be, and I hope to do better by them if at all possible.

[mischa]

Thanks for the responses. I think what you guys have described is reasonable and something I can be comfortable with. My initial reaction to the drinking at home was “No!”. Basing that on the alcohol issues DH’s family has/have. But, I do believe my DD is her own person and is much more risk averse then the typical teenager so I’m not so concerned about drinking being an issue for her.

[STP]

May 28, 2024 13:15:07 GMT -6 mischa said:

May 28, 2024 12:59:54 GMT -6 sweptaway said:

I would be comfortable letting an almost college aged kid have a small glass of wine or beer with a meal at home. I wouldn't be hosting parties or letting her drink to excess.
You say she's been around alcohol- has she been drinking (I would assume yes)? What are those conversations like?
What is your goal in letting her have a drink at home?

She hasn’t had a drink yet. She’s had negative reactions to energy drinks and coffee so she is worried she will react to alcohol poorly.
I’m ok with her trying a drink with us to see if she reacts ok. But beyond the initial experiment, I have mixed feelings about moving forward, letting her drink at home whenever she wants. I don’t think there is a worthwhile benefit of letting her drink at home beyond the first time of trying it in a safe space. DH doesn’t see any issues with it.

There is a world between drink whenever she wants and allowing a glass at a meal if they are home for the rest of the night. 

I think that's where you should look to land. And the benefit is helping her shape a healthy relationship to alcohol rather than presenting it as a forbidden fruit. That will never lead you anywhere good. 

[STP]

mischa, I am newly in recovery for alcoholism and my parents did everything right. So obviously it's tricky and there are factors beyond control. All you can do is try.

[bearfootzcontinued]

My dad's rule was always "if you're going to drink, drink in front of us". But my mom saw that alcoholism ran in our family and while she was ok with me having an occasional drink before I was 21 but drinking with any kind of frequency (even now that I'm in my 40s) and she expresses her concern. So, I guess it balanced out?

I'm guessing we'll face the same dilemma in our house. Our daughter is a diabetic, so part of me wants to let her try it out in a controlled environment - while what I really want is for her to denounce drinking and save me the worry. But given that she asks for a taste whenever I have a drink, something tells me that won't be happening.

Just trying to make drinking seem like less of the cool thing to do, but considering their cousins used to practice shotgunning with root beer...

[sweptaway]

May 28, 2024 13:50:52 GMT -6 mischa said:

Thanks for the responses. I think what you guys have described is reasonable and something I can be comfortable with. My initial reaction to the drinking at home was “No!”. Basing that on the alcohol issues DH’s family has/have. But, I do believe my DD is her own person and is much more risk averse then the typical teenager so I’m not so concerned about drinking being an issue for her.

Alcoholism runs in both my family and H's; I worry often about it with DS and I've been thinking now that he's a preteen it's a conversation we need to have sooner rather than later. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and neither will putting it off to let her figure it out on her own at college. 


Frankly my H doesn't really model healthy drinking for DS either but I think that makes it even more important to be open and honest about it. 

[coffeecake]

May 28, 2024 14:13:00 GMT -6 sweptaway said:

May 28, 2024 13:50:52 GMT -6 mischa said:

Thanks for the responses. I think what you guys have described is reasonable and something I can be comfortable with. My initial reaction to the drinking at home was “No!”. Basing that on the alcohol issues DH’s family has/have. But, I do believe my DD is her own person and is much more risk averse then the typical teenager so I’m not so concerned about drinking being an issue for her.

Alcoholism runs in both my family and H's; I worry often about it with DS and I've been thinking now that he's a preteen it's a conversation we need to have sooner rather than later. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and neither will putting it off to let her figure it out on her own at college. 


Frankly my H doesn't really model healthy drinking for DS either but I think that makes it even more important to be open and honest about it. 

We have a family member who is a recovering alcoholic who has been in recovery for over a decade. Only a few select people in my family know, including myself and my H. My kids are very close to this person and right now I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell them as young teens/preteens. But my 10 year old has asked about drinking and expressed worry that my H had a beer with dinner at a restaurant or I had a glass of wine with dinner. So we’ve already been having conversations with him about responsible drinking and I’ve been much more aware lately of how we are modeling it for our kids. And I’ve told my 13 year old many times if she is ever in a situation where she and/or a friend is drinking and needs to get home, she can call us to get her, no questions asked.

[leahcar]

I have a graduating senior in the same boat. I am also the daughter of an addict so trying to strike a balance.

I am letting her try drinks in a safe space occasionally. No driving. No leaving the house. Is this the right answer? I don’t know.

[gingy]

I have a recent grad who couldn't give a fuck about alcohol. I almost wish she'd try it at home so she would be in a safe space, but I definitely won't force it. We've tried to do our best to model healthy relationships with alcohol. My parents made it very taboo, so I was the kid who snuck out to parties and went nuts when left to my own devices. I believe she has a better head on her shoulders than I did.

[fb]

May 28, 2024 13:51:54 GMT -6 STP said:

Just giving you a hug. I am just past 1 year sober. My Dad (my alcoholic lineage) is just past 4 years.

My kids saw me drunk way more than they should have and I am having a very hard time considering how I will teach them about "safe" alcohol use, considering their genes.

[Pumpkinwest]

Sending love to those who are currently struggling or working at their sobriety/relationship with alcohol. No matter where you’re at in the process, I’m proud of you ♥️

[lucilleaustero]

STP, fb, I am proud of you. Recognizing that and taking the steps to stop take a tremendous amount of strength.

mischa, I would be okay with a 16+ having one drink at home. Just like most things with parenting, I am a big fan of letting kids try things. I would rather they do it at home, where we can talk about it, than out in the world.

[Sweetjane]

May 28, 2024 19:32:32 GMT -6 leahcar said:

I have a graduating senior in the same boat. I am also the daughter of an addict so trying to strike a balance.

I am letting her try drinks in a safe space occasionally. No driving. No leaving the house. Is this the right answer? I don’t know.

This will be my approach as well. For some reason sending a kid off to college having never had a drink is scary. I would want them to have tried it in small doses in a responsible environment.
Kind of like I would never send her out in a car without a lesson first.

My mom let me order a glass of wine at dinner probably at 17.

[Sweetjane]

May 29, 2024 7:10:38 GMT -6 fb said:

May 28, 2024 13:51:54 GMT -6 STP said:

Just giving you a hug. I am just past 1 year sober. My Dad (my alcoholic lineage) is just past 4 years.

My kids saw me drunk way more than they should have and I am having a very hard time considering how I will teach them about "safe" alcohol use, considering their genes.

My dad was an alcoholic and it ultimately ended his life too early. My mom always warned me about a genetic component but I never seemed to inherit his taste for it. I did always hear her voice in my head all through college and my 20s and it served as a small warning.
You're doing great by just being aware and preparing for the talks! Congratulations on your 1year+💚

[jaygee]

May 29, 2024 7:09:54 GMT -6 gingy said:

I have a recent grad who couldn't give a fuck about alcohol. I almost wish she'd try it at home so she would be in a safe space, but I definitely won't force it. We've tried to do our best to model healthy relationships with alcohol. My parents made it very taboo, so I was the kid who snuck out to parties and went nuts when left to my own devices. I believe she has a better head on her shoulders than I did.

It’s so interesting how many of the youths these days have less interest in alcohol than previous generations. I'm very hopeful that they can have a more balanced and healthy approach to it. Meanwhile, my generation feels like a looming health crisis from long term alcohol overuse.

To respond to the initial question, I personally would be ok with a kid that age having a drink or two in my home. I draw the line at getting drunk or making it a regular occurrence though. I also think it’s very very much a know your kid thing. Some of the mental health challenges that DS has will make it difficult for him to mix with even social drinking so I will be taking a different approach with him. Not all our forbidding but I’m not going to be encouraging or supporting it.

[McBenny]

May 28, 2024 12:53:29 GMT -6 mischa said:

DD is going off to college in the fall. I know she’s been in situations where alcohol has been available and will be in more of those situations in college. I’ve had discussions with her about drinking “safely” etc. My question is, would you be comfortable with your underage kid occasionally having a drink when they are at home? One of us is, and the other is not. Trying to get a general idea of if this is considered no big deal or what. We live in a state where an underage kid can have a drink if with a guardian.

yes we both are.

[angelashly]

May 29, 2024 9:13:27 GMT -6 jaygee said:

May 29, 2024 7:09:54 GMT -6 gingy said:

I have a recent grad who couldn't give a fuck about alcohol. I almost wish she'd try it at home so she would be in a safe space, but I definitely won't force it. We've tried to do our best to model healthy relationships with alcohol. My parents made it very taboo, so I was the kid who snuck out to parties and went nuts when left to my own devices. I believe she has a better head on her shoulders than I did.

It’s so interesting how many of the youths these days have less interest in alcohol than previous generations. I'm very hopeful that they can have a more balanced and healthy approach to it. Meanwhile, my generation feels like a looming health crisis from long term alcohol overuse.

To respond to the initial question, I personally would be ok with a kid that age having a drink or two in my home. I draw the line at getting drunk or making it a regular occurrence though. I also think it’s very very much a know your kid thing. Some of the mental health challenges that DS has will make it difficult for him to mix with even social drinking so I will be taking a different approach with him. Not all our forbidding but I’m not going to be encouraging or supporting it.

I wonder if this is because of the new parenting way of not making it taboo and opening up conversations.

[jaygee]

May 29, 2024 11:28:07 GMT -6 angelashly said:

May 29, 2024 9:13:27 GMT -6 jaygee said:

It’s so interesting how many of the youths these days have less interest in alcohol than previous generations. I'm very hopeful that they can have a more balanced and healthy approach to it. Meanwhile, my generation feels like a looming health crisis from long term alcohol overuse.

To respond to the initial question, I personally would be ok with a kid that age having a drink or two in my home. I draw the line at getting drunk or making it a regular occurrence though. I also think it’s very very much a know your kid thing. Some of the mental health challenges that DS has will make it difficult for him to mix with even social drinking so I will be taking a different approach with him. Not all our forbidding but I’m not going to be encouraging or supporting it.

I wonder if this is because of the new parenting way of not making it taboo and opening up conversations.

Idk. I’m sure it’s a variety of factors. Some say legal access to THC, but I don’t think it’s just that. I think some is just being more educated on the dangers of it (like my gen was with smoking) and maybe some is because they know if they get drunk and do something stupid it will be recorded. Some could have been turned off by their drunk parents (aka my generation).

[angelashly]

May 29, 2024 11:31:31 GMT -6 jaygee said:

May 29, 2024 11:28:07 GMT -6 angelashly said:

I wonder if this is because of the new parenting way of not making it taboo and opening up conversations.

Idk. I’m sure it’s a variety of factors. Some say legal access to THC, but I don’t think it’s just that. I think some is just being more educated on the dangers of it (like my gen was with smoking) and maybe some is because they know if they get drunk and do something stupid it will be recorded. Some could have been turned off by their drunk parents (aka my generation).

That all makes sense. We for sure talk a lot about safe drinking and what can happen. Dd has already said she will most likely be the dd because she wouldn’t want to just trust her friend didn’t drink. I did see it more in my younger sister’s group (she is 32 now) and making sure that they took turns having a dd and or Uber etc.

Also in my city at lease there are less clubs. There are still bars and such but the 18 and up hangouts are few and far between which is a big difference from when I was that age.

[gingy]

May 29, 2024 11:31:31 GMT -6 jaygee said:

May 29, 2024 11:28:07 GMT -6 angelashly said:

I wonder if this is because of the new parenting way of not making it taboo and opening up conversations.

Idk. I’m sure it’s a variety of factors. Some say legal access to THC, but I don’t think it’s just that. I think some is just being more educated on the dangers of it (like my gen was with smoking) and maybe some is because they know if they get drunk and do something stupid it will be recorded. Some could have been turned off by their drunk parents (aka my generation).

SD also has zero interest in THC, and her friends don't seem to either. She knows I use it and that it's in the house.

For her friend group specifically, I know several are careful because they have scholarships to lose and/or are participating in college athletics. Some seem to be more anxious in general, and it likely keeps them from those scenes. 

[AmyG]

We don't drink much, dh family has alcoholism trend but that's not totally why. Mostly cause $ it's never been a big thing we'd spend money on maybe.
We have wine sometimes at holidays and the boys could try it when they were younger (13+ maybe sips followed by a yucky face earlier) and they always heard it was a grown up drink and never were so much interested.
So then when older teens they might want an oz or so of champagne at new years for instance or small bit of wine to cook with(mine are adventurous cooks) and take a sip or with a good steak dinner for instance.
Never sat them down and said you can get drunk if you want.
Did sat them down and explained how when I was caught with alcohol as a younger person I was turned over to my parents. my brother the police called me to come get him (I was an adult) and they poured out the alcohol.
But nowadays it can almost ruin you as a kid to try that out and about. you'll be recorded and shared, and if police are called there will be charges.
Now when they turned 21 we sat down and tried all the alcohol I own and little bottles of other things, so they could see the hard liquor thingy and mixed drinks. that was also cause going out to bars is expensive so knowing what it might taste like is likely a good idea.

[jaygee]

May 29, 2024 12:09:44 GMT -6 gingy said:

May 29, 2024 11:31:31 GMT -6 jaygee said:

Idk. I’m sure it’s a variety of factors. Some say legal access to THC, but I don’t think it’s just that. I think some is just being more educated on the dangers of it (like my gen was with smoking) and maybe some is because they know if they get drunk and do something stupid it will be recorded. Some could have been turned off by their drunk parents (aka my generation).

SD also has zero interest in THC, and her friends don't seem to either. She knows I use it and that it's in the house.

For her friend group specifically, I know several are careful because they have scholarships to lose and/or are participating in college athletics. Some seem to be more anxious in general, and it likely keeps them from those scenes. 

That’s why I don’t think it’s just a THC thing. Because I’ve talked to kids that age that have no interest in anything that makes them intoxicated/ not in control. I think they’ve always been scrutinized and under the eye of everything being recorded.

Hopefully they get to have a little let loose time because I believe that’s good for everyone. But maybe they will just delay it a bit which is a good thing. Anything we can do to get them closer to fully developed pre frontal cortex before going wild is a good thing.

[cnf]

May 28, 2024 13:00:48 GMT -6 ponyhairs said:

I guess for me it would depend on the circumstance and I guess the purpose. Do you want her to know what it feels like to be drunk and want to give her a safe space to test those limits or is it more of you are having a nice family dinner and want to share a glass of wine with her?

This.

My parents knew I drank and they were ok with me having like a hard lemonade or something once I was in college, even when I was still underage. They wouldn't ever let me get drunk or have other underage friends have a drink though, which I feel like is an acceptable balance.

I say this as someone who now drinks so few times a year I can count my consumption on one hand. But I don't see the occasional light type of beverage as a big deal in a family setting.

[jaygee]

My mom let me have parties a couple times of a year and my house was known as an underage drinking spot.

It was great when I was that age. But yeah…

I’m a hard no on that.