Can I get some memorial service input

[ponyhairs]

Welcome to 2024 everyone, lol.  I am knee-deep in memorial service planning and have no idea what I'm doing and have some weird etiquette questions.  Am I overthinking some stuff, 100% but that is who I am.

1.  My H's friends have created a GFM for C and I and I am really nervous about people thinking that I'm being greedy, but also recognize that we can use all of the help we can get.  My question is, is it tacky to put the GFM link on the memorial service Evite (with wording along the lines of in lieu of flowers a GFM has been created or donations to Camp Kesem in Chris' name would be appreciated, with a link to their donation page)?
2.  I am going to have custom notecards there for people to write their favorite memories of Chris so I can collect them for C.  In an effort to increase the number of those we get, I am going to have self-addressed envelopes available as well so people can take them home and write messages instead of feeling pressured to do it in the moment.  Do I need to have stamps on those as well or will people be ok stamping them at home?
3.  I don't need to rent actual plates and silverware, right?  We can buy the disposable stuff?
4.  Do we send thank you notes to everyone that comes to the memorial?

[tinyjoys]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine trying to navigate both my own grief and that of my kids.

1. I don't think it's tacky for the GFM on the evite. In my experience, monetary gifts are given in cards at the service, however this seems to be more of the practice of my mom & grandparents' generations over ours and may also be regional.
2. My brain says that anything you expect to receive back should have a stamp on it. I don't regularly buy stamps, personally, so I'd have to make a special mental note to grab some to mail something out. I am definitely more inclined to mail something/anything back with postage covered.
3. Heck no. Disposable all the way.
4. Again, from my experience, if they sign the guest book, they get a thank you card.

[angelashly]

1. My friend did this when she lost her daughter suddenly. Putting both on there gives people the option.

2. Yes to stamps if you want them to mail them back

3. I wouldn’t rent stuff. Again the most recent one I helped plan was for our friend and we did all disposable stuff.

4. Again if and only if you are up to it. My friend couldn’t do it and we all told her not to write them. If people don’t get how hard it can be even thinking of the memorial and such 🤷‍♀️

[byjove]

Maybe it is regional, but I have been to many memorial services and I've never received a thank you card. We also hosted a memorial service for FIL and a thank you card was never suggested or considered. Otherwise I agree with tinyjoys and angelashly.

[angelashly]

Jan 3, 2024 15:23:38 GMT -6 byjove said:

Maybe it is regional, but I have been to many memorial services and I've never received a thank you card. We also hosted a memorial service for FIL and a thank you card was never suggested or considered. Otherwise I agree with tinyjoys and angelashly.

Me either which is why I was so quick to tell her not to write them.

[tinyjoys]

Oh, I didn't mean she absolutely had to send them. I just meant in reference to EVERYONE that came. I've been to plenty that didn't send them out.

[angelashly]

Jan 3, 2024 15:28:48 GMT -6 tinyjoys said:

Oh, I didn't mean she absolutely had to send them. I just meant in reference to EVERYONE that came. I've been to plenty that didn't send them out.

I got what you were saying

[AmyG]

Thank you cards only for special things rather than all who just show up. Unless someone extra special Maybe maybe like someone from his past that flew cross country or something.

if someone donates a lot to the camp or sends flowers or food then try to send a thank you card.
But if you never get around to thank you cards so be it. Nobody will judge that.

Gfm is ok.
Gell no don't rent anything.

Hugs and do not over do it.

[origami]

I agree with everyone here but also wanted to add, if you feel a way you could ask one of those friends or one of your friends/family to send the evite--and this suggestion is because this is a lot and you don't have to take on too much. No need to feel bad about GFM in general.

I never have received a thank you for a memorial nor have I ever sent any.

Disposable is absolutely fine.

[trueblue]

I agree with everyone else: yes to the GFM, absolutely to disposables, thank you notes if and when you feel up to sending them for those people’s actions that you feel deserve a written thank you.

As far as the stamp issue goes I would leave the self addressed envelopes and stamps separate-no need to drop bank on stamps and waste them on envelopes that may not be used. If someone is inclined enough to take a card and envelope, peeling and sticking a stamp on it is not a deterrent.

[sudsy]

I feel like there isn’t a specific rule book when it comes to funerals/memorials. Please try not to sweat the small stuff. Your brain is going to be complete mush the whole day anyway. The GFM is fine. Your husband would want you all taken care of. No one will care if your plates are disposable. If you want to send cards, send cards. If you don’t, that’s ok too. (I sent cards to those who sent flowers/cards/made donations.)

Breathe. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself just to remember him. Hug your daughter. Don’t worry about anyone else.

[angelashly]

Jan 3, 2024 15:50:06 GMT -6 trueblue said:

I agree with everyone else: yes to the GFM, absolutely to disposables, thank you notes if and when you feel up to sending them for those people’s actions that you feel deserve a written thank you.

As far as the stamp issue goes I would leave the self addressed envelopes and stamps separate-no need to drop bank on stamps and waste them on envelopes that may not be used. If someone is inclined enough to take a card and envelope, peeling and sticking a stamp on it is not a deterrent.

Good idea on the stamps

[babybean]

You’ve received good info already, I’m just here to express my support and ask if you can share the GFM here?

[sterling]

I agree with others as well. Share the links, people feel helpless in these moments and want to help, and money is help. (Share it here too, we love you and want to do anything we can!)

Don’t worry about disposable anything, don’t worry about stamps, don’t worry about thank you cards. When you’re in doubt, try to put yourself in the shoes of someone attending. If you were there as an attendee, I’m sure you wouldn’t think twice about buying a stamp or throwing away a fork, so try to be as kind to yourself as a planner as you would be as a participant. ❤️

[GhoatMonket]

Jan 3, 2024 16:21:18 GMT -6 babybean said:

You’ve received good info already, I’m just here to express my support and ask if you can share the GFM here?

Or if one doesn't want that info for any and all eyes and dont want to field a bunch of dms with requests, maybe send it to one person here and designate them as the go-to to get a dm with the link.

[Eagles]

Add the GFM link. People often want to help financially in times where there's so little else they can do.

If you want the cards back you'll need stamps, but a few books next to the envelopes is fine. To piggyback, are you up to creating a Gmail account where people can email stories and memories? You could link it to the evite and add it to the program. That way people who can't make it or forget about the cards in the moment could still share those with C.

Disposable all the way.

I have an aunt who always writes "no thank you note needed, we send you our love" in cards and the sign in books. She told me that she never wants someone grieving to feel like they have an added chore and that has stuck with me.

[AmyG]

Jan 3, 2024 16:58:14 GMT -6 GhoatMonket said:

Jan 3, 2024 16:21:18 GMT -6 babybean said:

You’ve received good info already, I’m just here to express my support and ask if you can share the GFM here?

Or if one doesn't want that info for any and all eyes and dont want to field a bunch of dms with requests, maybe send it to one person here and designate them as the go-to to get a dm with the link.

Yes. Share gfm link with a trusted person maybe an admin and people can dm just them. If weirdo lurker messages it can be ignored by admins and you don't have to deal at all

[ponyhairs]

Jan 3, 2024 17:48:28 GMT -6 Eagles said:

Add the GFM link. People often want to help financially in times where there's so little else they can do.

If you want the cards back you'll need stamps, but a few books next to the envelopes is fine. To piggyback, are you up to creating a Gmail account where people can email stories and memories? You could link it to the evite and add it to the program. That way people who can't make it or forget about the cards in the moment could still share those with C.

Disposable all the way.

I have an aunt who always writes "no thank you note needed, we send you our love" in cards and the sign in books. She told me that she never wants someone grieving to feel like they have an added chore and that has stuck with me.

I have created an email for these and will have that available for people as well.  

[Eagles]

Jan 3, 2024 18:11:37 GMT -6 ponyhairs said:

Jan 3, 2024 17:48:28 GMT -6 Eagles said:

Add the GFM link. People often want to help financially in times where there's so little else they can do.

If you want the cards back you'll need stamps, but a few books next to the envelopes is fine. To piggyback, are you up to creating a Gmail account where people can email stories and memories? You could link it to the evite and add it to the program. That way people who can't make it or forget about the cards in the moment could still share those with C.

Disposable all the way.

I have an aunt who always writes "no thank you note needed, we send you our love" in cards and the sign in books. She told me that she never wants someone grieving to feel like they have an added chore and that has stuck with me.

I have created an email for these and will have that available for people as well.  

That's wonderful. I hope you collect memories, stories, and pics from so many people ❤️❤️

[roselab]

Just adding that I think having some stamps available next to the envelopes is a great idea rather than stamping them prior.

As for thank you notes, I've never received one for just attending a memorial and I never pay attention to if I get one for sending something, so I am in the don't worry about it camp. But I will also say, if you feel inclined, don't stress out about being formal either. Now that I'm thinking about it, the past 2 times I sent something, my neighbor just walked over and thanked me in person, and my friend who lost her dad sent out a group fb message to the group of us who donated in his name. Both of those were more than fine in lieu of an actual thank you card.

[angelashly]

Jan 3, 2024 18:11:37 GMT -6 ponyhairs said:

Jan 3, 2024 17:48:28 GMT -6 Eagles said:

Add the GFM link. People often want to help financially in times where there's so little else they can do.

If you want the cards back you'll need stamps, but a few books next to the envelopes is fine. To piggyback, are you up to creating a Gmail account where people can email stories and memories? You could link it to the evite and add it to the program. That way people who can't make it or forget about the cards in the moment could still share those with C.

Disposable all the way.

I have an aunt who always writes "no thank you note needed, we send you our love" in cards and the sign in books. She told me that she never wants someone grieving to feel like they have an added chore and that has stuck with me.

I have created an email for these and will have that available for people as well.  

I absolutely love that you are doing this and your daughter is going to appreciate that so much now and forever ❤️

[riverrider]

At my neighbors funeral last weekend, the GFM link was on the program as well as a note that said something along the lines of 'we love that you are here to show your support but no thank you notes will be sent. Your attendance means more to us than you know' with the plan of sending thank yous to those who helped in anyway (serve food and whatnot) or sent flowers.

[STP]

I would never, ever expect a grieving family to send me a thank you card so please don't worry about that.

I would be glad to see the donation links, so I don't have to bother the family, and absolutely use disposable dishes/flatware/cups.

Everyone there should be there bc they loved him and love you, and want to celebrate his life. Anyone who would judge ANY part of this is not someone you need around you.

[sweptaway]

Jan 4, 2024 10:19:54 GMT -6 STP said:

I would never, ever expect a grieving family to send me a thank you card so please don't worry about that.

I would be glad to see the donation links, so I don't have to bother the family, and absolutely use disposable dishes/flatware/cups.

Everyone there should be there bc they loved him and love you, and want to celebrate his life. Anyone who would judge ANY part of this is not someone you need around you.

This 1000000% 
I will also say, outsource what you can. I am sure you have someone willing to get the stamps, the paper products, be the point person for the logistics of the day. I know people want to help. Put them to work. 

ponyhairs would you like to share about what you're planning? 

[goldenbird]

Jan 4, 2024 10:19:54 GMT -6 STP said:

I would never, ever expect a grieving family to send me a thank you card so please don't worry about that.

I would be glad to see the donation links, so I don't have to bother the family, and absolutely use disposable dishes/flatware/cups.

Everyone there should be there bc they loved him and love you, and want to celebrate his life. Anyone who would judge ANY part of this is not someone you need around you.

Definitely agree with all this. Sending love to you and your DD right now ponyhairs.

[lifesaverz]

I agree with PPs that no thank you cards are needed, please don't worry about that. A year ago I helped someone I know plan her dad's memorial, & was highly involved with setup, food, creating the slideshow, etc. She said thank you at the time, & that was enough. Almost a year later she sent me a thank you message via PM, but honestly she didn't even need to do that. I already knew how she felt. I helped because I loved her, & that's why people will help or donate to you & your DD too. Please trust that they want to help lighten your load, & they don't need anything from you.

[jamboree]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm coming upson my 14th anniversary.
1. I think that's a perfect way to handle it.
2. I can guarantee that those are going to become cherished items. Put them in a fireproof box with all your other necessary documents.
3. LoL. If ever there is a time to do what's easiest ...
4. You don't need to send out a single one.  I found it comforting, honestly and every person who sent a dish, showed up, or even just sent a condolence email got a thank you note from me. I looked at it as one more day I could think about funny stories we had. On a related note, I love the idea about getting everyone stories. I didn't think to do that but I saved all the condolence cards, and most of those contained the sender's favorite memories of Tom, and it was funny to me because I knew most of the stories because they were also Tom's favorite memories! I sold my (furnished) house from afar, hiring people to dispose of the contents after I'd gone through everything. The only time I cried was when I realized I hadn't retrieved those cards. So I'm serious about saving yours in a fireproof box! 

[McBenny]

I missed that he passed. I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree dont worry about thank you cards and renting anything.

I don't feel you need to provide the stamps either. 🤷🏻‍♀️