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Post by benandjerrys on Jul 22, 2017 6:57:28 GMT -6
TW AHEAD:
We are planning to go on vacation with a good friend and her husband in September. They live in Chicago so we don't see them often but have been looking forward to this trip for a long time. She had a late term miscarriage in the spring. I have not yet told her that I'm pregnant. We have also not booked our trip yet. Should I cancel? Is it insensitive to plan on vacationing with them still? How would you tell her that I'm pregnant. I will have to tell her regardless I guess. I'm dreading it. Would you specifically avoid telling her when I'm about the same number of weeks as she was when she miscarried? Is it better to tell her before her loss milestone or after?
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pippiann
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Post by pippiann on Jul 22, 2017 7:18:35 GMT -6
I would just pull the band aid off and tell her prior then you go and enjoy your trip. I've never had a loss or a late loss but i feel like most likely you'll be surprised and she'll be happy for you.
ETA: she will also have time to process prior to your trip.
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bassa
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Post by bassa on Jul 22, 2017 7:20:15 GMT -6
I don't have answers to everything but I would not cancel your trip. How far along will you be? If it were me, and I was not showing yet, I think I might not tell her on the trip and just enjoy your vacation together.
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bassa
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Post by bassa on Jul 22, 2017 7:21:56 GMT -6
Oh, or what pippiann said. I wasn't even thinking about the tell her before option. That sounds better. |
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Post by benandjerrys on Jul 22, 2017 7:33:45 GMT -6
I don't have answers to everything but I would not cancel your trip. How far along will you be? If it were me, and I was not showing yet, I think I might not tell her on the trip and just enjoy your vacation together. I'll be 20/21 weeks. She miscarried at 15. |
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bassa
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Post by bassa on Jul 22, 2017 7:36:05 GMT -6
Oh, so yea that's pretty far along. I'd definitely tell her before hand. I know some people say telling through email is best, as it will give her time to process on her own terms before responding (as opposed to phone or in person).
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2017 7:41:16 GMT -6
What bassa said. I would send her an email to allow her to react freely and process. You could also just ask if she is still comfortable having you visit or if she would rather postpone the visit for another time. Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk |
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lili
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Post by lili on Jul 22, 2017 7:41:24 GMT -6
Oh, so yea that's pretty far along. I'd definitely tell her before hand. I know some people say telling through email is best, as it will give her time to process on her own terms before responding (as opposed to phone or in person). Yup, this is what I would do. I don't think you need to cancel the trip, but it would be good of you to let her decide if she wants to cancel. |
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pinkcat
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Post by pinkcat on Jul 22, 2017 7:45:23 GMT -6
What bassa said. I would send her an email to allow her to react freely and process. You could also just ask if she is still comfortable having you visit or if she would rather postpone the visit for another time. Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk +1, I agree! I haven't experienced a late loss, but had an early loss and IF. I always appreciated being told over text or email so I had time to process my feelings. |
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snowyowl
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Post by snowyowl on Jul 22, 2017 7:56:33 GMT -6
I would tell her as soon as you feel comfortable going public. Personally I like to tell my loss mom friends via email. It seems impersonal, but it saves them that moment of having to seem totally enthusiastic when it may be much more mixed emotions.
I'd gauge her reaction from there. These situations are hard because everyone reacts differently. It's possible she'll be totally fine taking a trip with you, it's also possible that she'll have trouble with it. I hope she'll feel comfortable being honest with you if that is the case.
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Post by easternshoregirl on Jul 22, 2017 8:31:25 GMT -6
Yes, tell her before. That will give her time to process. And I also recommend the text/email method, it is a little less of a blow that way, I think.
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amesie
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Post by amesie on Jul 22, 2017 9:07:47 GMT -6
+whatever to telling her via email or text before the trip. I would avoid telling her in person that way she can process however she needs to to get through it. I wouldn't cancel the trip, but I would probably avoid talking about the pregnancy most of the trip unless she brought it up or is asking questions.
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aprilz81
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Post by aprilz81 on Jul 22, 2017 11:11:40 GMT -6
I would tell her via a text or email so she has time to process and do this before you go public(social media or however you chose to announce). Something along the lines of "I can only assume this news will be hard to hear, but DH and I are expecting a baby in January. I wanted to let you know before you see it on Facebook/Twitter/wherever so you wouldn't be blindsided. I'm looking forward to seeing you on our vacation later, blah, blah blah."
Having been through something similar I would appreciate a heads up so I could process. I probably wouldn't avoid vacation with you because while it will sting I would know you didn't do this to spite me, but everyone grieves differently. Definitely don't wait to throw it on her face to face while on vacation. That would be rough for anyone.
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dragonflyinn
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Post by dragonflyinn on Jul 22, 2017 13:01:50 GMT -6
I wouldn't cancel the trip. I agree with everyone suggesting to tell her in advance. One of my best friends has struggled with infertility for over four years and telling her about this pregnancy was hard but she would have been more upset if I had tried to tiptoe around her.
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Post by sunfrogger on Jul 22, 2017 15:55:31 GMT -6
I actually have experience with this. One of my best friends had a late term loss last year (she is actually an HIHer as well). I ended up texting her and telling her. It feels impersonal but it gave her space to process without needing to put on a happy face. She told me she appreciated the thought I put into how I would tell her. Let me try to find exactly what I said.
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Post by sunfrogger on Jul 22, 2017 16:11:45 GMT -6
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Post by benandjerrys on Jul 22, 2017 17:23:29 GMT -6
Thanks all! I will text her I guess. I'm thinking about doing it tomorrow because I don't want to catch her at work.
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cake
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Post by cake on Jul 23, 2017 5:03:48 GMT -6
Good luck!
I just had to tell a friend who has been struggling with IF for 3 years. We had plans to meet up so I told her by text so she would have the time and space to process it on her own. I wasn't telling people yet but I didn't want to not tell her and then do it a couple weeks later and for it to seem like I had been hiding it on our lunch date.
She said she really appreciated being told in advance. She only just complained to me last night about a different friend telling her in person recently because 'it seemed more personal', causing my friend to break down. A bit of space seems to be appareciated.
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Post by sunfrogger on Jul 23, 2017 5:40:03 GMT -6
benandjerrys let us know how it goes!!! It's so important to be sensitive especially when it's someone you truly care about. Loss is so hard.
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Post by benandjerrys on Jul 23, 2017 8:21:42 GMT -6
Ugh. Sent. I have all the anxiety.
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Post by benandjerrys on Jul 23, 2017 9:43:28 GMT -6
She replied. She was super understanding but vague about the trip. We will talk by phone and hopefully get it straightened out. Thanks for the help ladies!
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Post by sunfrogger on Jul 23, 2017 18:36:57 GMT -6
❤️
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aprilz81
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Post by aprilz81 on Jul 24, 2017 7:22:14 GMT -6
She replied. She was super understanding but vague about the trip. We will talk by phone and hopefully get it straightened out. Thanks for the help ladies! Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk I'm sure you will do this anyway, but give her time. Unless there are cancellation fees you need to worry about don't pressure her to make a decision right now. |
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Post by benandjerrys on Jul 24, 2017 7:23:58 GMT -6
She replied. She was super understanding but vague about the trip. We will talk by phone and hopefully get it straightened out. Thanks for the help ladies! Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk I'm sure you will do this anyway, but give her time. Unless there are cancellation fees you need to worry about don't pressure her to make a decision right now. Nothing is booked yet. She did text me last night about the trip so I'm thinking it is still on but I will wait to talk to her by phone and for sure won't pressure her. Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk |
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Post by benandjerrys on Jul 27, 2017 15:02:13 GMT -6
Just an update that she let me know she still wants to go ahead with the trip. I'm so glad. She did cry a bit on the phone when she said that she was happy for us. I wish I could make her pain go away.
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aprilz81
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Post by aprilz81 on Jul 27, 2017 15:35:06 GMT -6
Just an update that she let me know she still wants to go ahead with the trip. I'm so glad. She did cry a bit on the phone when she said that she was happy for us. I wish I could make her pain go away. Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk It will get better. It is possible to be really happy for someone and sad/jealous for yourself. Once the initial sting goes away she will start to be happy for you. I'm pretty sure you aren't this type of person since you were concerned about her from the start, but don't forget to be there for her too. Try to remember her due date, Mother's Day and the date of her loss. Those days are hard, especially if you feel like no one but you (her) remembers. |
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