Help me handle this better next time

[DGM]

We were at Six Flags last night eating in the dark picnic area with low lighting. There were some teenagers being noisy which
is expected but also loudly dropping f-bombs. This happens every visit, and last time in the same picnic area I called out, "Language, please!". There were a couple mumbled sorrys, and that was the end of it.

Last night, this group started saying it more loudly even after I said there were kids present. I marched my normally not confrontational 5'1" self over between the tables where they could see me and started asking them (loudly myself) if they were really being that disrespectful? MH put on his high school teacher hat and came to remove me. He then talked to the teens.

My kids started asking a bunch of questions when I got back to the table. I tried to calm myself and told them the teens were using language not appropriate for kids to hear. They of course asked what the words were so I said I wasn't going to repeat them, but also the teens weren't following the rules on the sign at the entrance of no adults only language (my paraphrase of "No profanity or vulgar language"). They were content with that explanation.

I get it, I'm more conservative than most people with my language. I will still say swear words when I'm upset, but I do not want my kids thinking that it is OK for everyday talk. I don't want to shelter them from the world yet I want to if that makes sense. Did I overreact?

TLDR: Teens dropping f-bombs in front of my kids and then saying it louder after I said kids are nearby. So I physically confronted them. Did I overrreact?

[loony]

I drop F bombs in front of my kids regularly.

They know it’s a word they aren’t supposed to say, but other people (adults) do and have had zero issues differentiating between okay and not okay words.

[charlotte]

I curse in front of my kids (in moderation) at home, but I agree it can be uncomfortable to have a group loudly cursing repeatedly in a children’s area. We had that happen at a preschool-age event at the zoo.

My approach has been to just talk to my kids about how that language isn’t appropriate for *kids* to repeat. Depending on the event/location I may also say that the language is inappropriate for the time/place regardless of age.

My oldest has a strong sense of applying right/wrong to everyone without distinction and so I’ve had to learn to frame things as *we* don’t do X this way, but we can’t control other people who may think differently.

[mintyblueair]

I don't swear in front of my kids so I understand. Personally, I wouldn't have called out from my table, I would have walked over to their table with a friendly smile and said, "I have little kids sitting here and we're uncomfortable with all the swearing, could you please try to keep it clean while kids are around?" And then if they ignored that I would have directed the discussion to my children.

I feel like groups of teens respond well to direct, friendly eye contact and address. If you appear angry or upright, I feel like they're more likely to just laugh you off/ignore you. This is based on my experience at a nearby playground that borders a high school; there are often groups of teenagers sitting on and blocking the equipment, and I find them really congenial and willing to move/quiet down when I'm friendly with them.

[charlotte]

Can I just applaud you DGM and mintyblueair for being brave enough to approach a gaggle of teenagers at all? My high school tRaUmA takes over.. I just start sweating any time I get too close to a large group of teens.

Only a slight exaggeration.

[ovenrack]

I would have focused on my children, probably.

“They’re using curse words which, as you know, I try not to use too often. They’re young and sometimes people feel “cool” when they use rough language or behave in ways that are a bad idea. I don’t think it’s a good thing to do. What are your favorite words that sound rough but are silly?”

SHENANIGANS
GUMDROP
CALAMITY
SUGAR COOKIES (my mom used to say this instead of SHIT)

[mintyblueair]

Dec 13, 2021 9:31:25 GMT -6 charlotte said:

Can I just applaud you DGM and mintyblueair for being brave enough to approach a gaggle of teenagers at all? My high school tRaUmA takes over.. I just start sweating any time I get too close to a large group of teens.

Only a slight exaggeration.

I was nervous about it at first! I felt like they would just laugh in my face or something lol. But the playground is only one of two that are walking distance for us, and I felt like my kids had the right to go down the slide and use the infant swings. So I just went for it and was pleasantly surprised at how well they responded, and since then it's been a lot easier. They're usually very apologetic, I think they sometimes just truly don't realize that they're affecting other people. But I do think friendliness is key.

[stringy]

I think you did great DGM,. I also am not bold enough to have confronted them most likely. But that doesn't mean it wasn't okay to.

And the explanations for your kids are great too. M (8.5) has been hearing more and more swears in media and wherever - and the other day she asked me what "b*tch" meant. I told her the literal definition and asked if it fit and she said no (duh) so I explained how it is also used and that its considered a swear...and then I went ahead and explained "ass" too. (I dunno why my head thought they were related - prob the double meaning).

I was happy that she came to me and asked what it meant. I didn't want it to be taboo. There was so much taboo for me growing up - things I didn't feel comfortable asking about (not usually swears though). I don't want to reinforce that.

That said, M is a rule follower and I have no concerns that she will blurt those out. P on the other hand, luckily was not in the room.

[DGM]

Dec 13, 2021 10:37:48 GMT -6 mintyblueair said:

Dec 13, 2021 9:31:25 GMT -6 charlotte said:

Can I just applaud you DGM and mintyblueair for being brave enough to approach a gaggle of teenagers at all? My high school tRaUmA takes over.. I just start sweating any time I get too close to a large group of teens.

Only a slight exaggeration.

I was nervous about it at first! I felt like they would just laugh in my face or something lol. But the playground is only one of two that are walking distance for us, and I felt like my kids had the right to go down the slide and use the infant swings. So I just went for it and was pleasantly surprised at how well they responded, and since then it's been a lot easier. They're usually very apologetic, I think they sometimes just truly don't realize that they're affecting other people. But I do think friendliness is key.

Yeah, my biggest problem with it all was that I confronted them in anger which is the opposite of what I'm trying to teach my kids. Your advice is super helpful. Thanks ❤

[DGM]

Thanks, everyone! 💛
ETA: I learned the words for adults only explaination from our wonderful tj. I grew up in a home where there is no distinction so I think that's one reason I'm sensitive to it for my kids.

[tj]

Lol, I was just about to bust in here with my reasoning. For me, I think growing up knowing that alcohol and curse words are adult choices, and when they grow up, they can weigh the pros and cons of these adult choices and decide what is right for them. Helps to take away some of the power and allure of these things. E already says she can’t wait to be a grown up so she can say grown up words. But P says she will probably choose not to.
My parents were the same way with alcohol. It wasn’t a taboo or a wrong thing. It was an adult decision. And occasionally, an adult would decide that we could have a glass of wine with a grown up dinner or a tasty pina colada at a restaurant. So when I went off to college, I never felt this urge to experiment and binge and see how far I could take it. Bc it was never taboo. It was just a choice to make later.
That being said, I do still try to limit my cursing in front of other peoples children Bc I know not everyone feels that way.

[tj]

But as far as the way you handled it. I absolutely would’ve lost my cool and confronted them. Bc that is so disrespectful. And I am real bad about going full on Karen when I feel disrespected in front of my children when I am trying to protect my children.

But it probably should have been a learning moment. I would explain that those kids must think they are very cool using all those grown up words. But it isn’t our words that make us cool. Especially if we are too young to understand what we are really saying. And that really ends up making us look less cool and less grown up than we were aiming for.

And I would say it loud enough that it would be obvious that I was talking about them and it would be really awkward and embarrassing for everyone involved. Or, if there were an employee nearby, I would totes ask to speak to a manager.