Help Me Talk to My Mom

[Dr. Cox]

So I will try to keep this as brief as possible and try not to turn this into a therapy session. My mom and I have always been very close, but the past several years due to the political climate and other things we’ve grown a bit distant. She’s very pro-life and conservative, and as you all know, I am not. She and my dad claimed to not vote for Trump, but who knows. I don’t really believe my dad, but think my mom did vote for Evan McMullen like she said, which, whatever. My dad and I don’t have much of a relationship anyway so that’s why the focus is on my mom. We’ve stopped visiting their racist town, and they don’t come here often, so we don’t see them but a couple times a year.. I say all of this to give background on where we are.

Yesterday, when talking to my younger sister (sophomore in college), she told me that a year ago, my mother told her she wouldn’t have allowed her to date a Black guy in high school because of what other parents might say and think. Now, my sister was in the middle of venting about my mom, so I’m not entirely sure what was said. My sis has exaggerated when she’s mad before but never flat out lied. I would be disgusted and hurt no matter what, but my husband is black. My children are biracial. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling right now. Anger? Broken? My sister was in high school after my husband and I were married so not even that long ago.

I’m already mad at my mom for refusing to speak up to her best friends who are all loud and proud Trump supporters because “they are more than that. We don’t talk politics.” So my head is a hot mess.

Ugh. If you made it through that word salad, bless you. If you have any advice on how to approach this, please help me.

[Dr. Cox]

Oh and I’m not worried about salvaging the relationship if that was what was said. Fuck no. I just want an honest answer and I don’t know the best way to go about that.

[enchanted]

Can you give your sister some time to calm down and ask her about it again? Then confront your mom.

I'm not saying your sister is lying. I believe you when you say she doesn't outright lie but can exaggerate. I would just want all the facts down cold before a confrontation, you know?

Even if your sister has exaggerated it, a talk is going to have to be had. I know that's a lot easier for me to say than for you to do, though.

[jaygee]

I’m so sorry. You and your family do not deserve to hear words like that and be impacted by such harmful viewpoints.

Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would gather all my strength and give her one last chance to hear you out. I would prepare my thoughts in a written statement and either memorize it or read it. I would focus on the fact that the views she is expressing are denying the basic humanity of your husband and sons. She may not realize it but that’s the basic truth. If she doesn’t feel Black people should be allowed to love who they love or like who they like (in the case of high school dating), she is denying their humanity. She may hide behind the “well it’s not me, it’s society/other people” but by adhering to those social norms by her words, actions, thoughts, she is complicit.

If she is receptive to that, I highly recommend asking her to complete the “Me and My White Supremacy” workbook by Layla Saad. It’s free, it’s set up to do as a private journal but it is so, so good. It digs deep. It doesn’t hold anything back.

I think you have to implore her to see how serious this is. This isn’t “rocking the boat” or being PC. This is about if she truly believes your husband and sons are equal to white people and should be treated as such. If so, she has to do the work to become anti racist. It’s not enough to be “not racist”.

[enchanted]

Also, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[summerbabe]

I'm so sorry about this sitch. I would be prepared for your mom to say 'I wouldn't say that' if you ask her point blank-- as in I think that is the response you might get either way (whether your sister is exaggerating/lying/telling the truth). I do think bringing it up can serve a purpose though, even if it is an "I see you"/watch yourself/this is a dealbreaker sort of thing.

That said, I just refreshed and I really like jaygee's idea, because if she is open to doing work-- it's a way different situation than if she shuts you down.

[jaygee]

I also want to say that this is really hard. My mom was super liberal but in the last couple years of her life she became very active in a born again Christian Church and her positions on several things changed. In 2008 she started saying marriage is between a man and a woman and gay people can have civil unions. We fought about it a lot but I have regrets that I didn’t push her more on that especially considering that my cousin (her nephew) is gay and was in a committed relationship at the time hoping to be legally married (they are now!). I wasn’t the best ally and I regret that. I don’t know how I would handle the situation if she was still alive and believed the same thing since I have a child now and would not want him exposed to that. So, all that to say I hope my advice didn’t come off as preachy or bossy. This is tough stuff.

[notblanche]

I am a person who gets overwhelmed by emotion very easily so I like jaygee's idea about writing it all down and, if you're at all like me, I might even send it in an email. This isn't an issue of disagreement on theoretical policy; it's literally your life in 2019. These views are harmful to society and, maybe more importantly, to her grandsons. I'm sorry.

[Dr. Cox]

Thanks ladies. I think writing it down and reading it to her would be the best, because I do get very emotional and never can find the words in the moment.

I’ve been pulling away since before my oldest was born, and I feel like in the back of my mind, I knew a day like this would come. She refuses to engage with me on things like LGBTQIA rights, immigration, and abortion, but I constantly bring it up anyway. I refuse to have intolerance, racism, islamaphobia, or homophobia around myself or my kids if I can help it and she knows that. I’m sure that’s why she’s refused to tell me where she stands.

[ladybrienne]

Oh friend, first off I am really sorry. I feel like jaygee has some really good observations on how you can approach this with her. Especially with how serious this is - like she said this isn't about being PC.

I am just trying to imagine your feelings right now and I cannot even imagine and I feel so terribly. I wish I could hug you.

[Minerva]

Aug 15, 2019 13:06:20 GMT -6 notblanche said:

I am a person who gets overwhelmed by emotion very easily so I like jaygee's idea about writing it all down and, if you're at all like me, I might even send it in an email. This isn't an issue of disagreement on theoretical policy; it's literally your life in 2019. These views are harmful to society and, maybe more importantly, to her grandsons. I'm sorry.

This is probably the tact I would take too. I wouldn't trust myself to verbally express everything I wanted to say about how hurtful her behavior is to your family in the heat of the moment. I'd write a letter or email and maybe agree to a follow up call, depending on how she reacts.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this from your parents. You and your family deserve better.

[jkjacq]

I’d like to echo jaygee

I’m sorry you’re in this incredibly difficult position.

[stringy]

I’m so sorry you are in this position. Everyone else gave good advice and a +1 to writing it down as I’m terrible at confrontation and emotions.

How is her relationship with YH? And how did she react when you got married? I do think hearing more from your sister about what was said and how your sister reacted would be good intel.

I came here to post a related interaction I had a my FIL today- and I feel completely defeated by it- but I don’t want to hijack your thread so I’ll go to the other.

[cnf]

Everyone else has already given you amazing advice. I am so sorry you're dealing with this. You, your H, and your kids deserve love and respect equally and unequivocally. I'm so, so sorry.

[Uncaripswife]

Drcox, I'm sorry. I think you should write down what you want to say, but I'd try to have the conversation in person, if you can. Seeing her reaction, hearing her response without the filter of email or text, will tell you a lot about how she really feels. Also, she will see the pain she is causing you, your h, and your children. Easier said than done, of course.

Hugs to you. I hope she truly hears you.

[cakewench]

I have nothing else to add that hasn't already been said. I'm so sorry you're going through this and am sending you love and hugs.

[lemondrop]

I wanted to impart some wisdom here because I’ve also dealt with the fallout of racism with family, but the bottom line is I’m very sorry that you’re going through this, it’s incredibly unfair and frustrating, and whatever you decide is the right choice.

[piratecat]

I'm sorry, Dr. Cox, that is really hurtful.

[Dr. Cox]

I just wanted to thank you all for your advice and kindness. I talked to my mom, and thankfully, my sister was way off. It had to do with a conversation my mom and I had many years ago, she repeated it to my sister who took it completely the wrong way.

I’m glad we talked because it opened up a dialogue we’ve never had and I found my mom has actually made a lot more progress than I thought and she cut off her Trump friends months ago. It was honestly best case scenario and I look forward to many more conversations with her about important issues.

[blurnette989]

That's so great to hear Dr.Cox. I'm really glad it turned out well and, I really think it's a good example of why it's important to stand up for yourself. It can still turn out well.

[jaygee]

Aug 17, 2019 11:07:15 GMT -6 Dr. Cox said:

I just wanted to thank you all for your advice and kindness. I talked to my mom, and thankfully, my sister was way off. It had to do with a conversation my mom and I had many years ago, she repeated it to my sister who took it completely the wrong way.

I’m glad we talked because it opened up a dialogue we’ve never had and I found my mom has actually made a lot more progress than I thought and she cut off her Trump friends months ago. It was honestly best case scenario and I look forward to many more conversations with her about important issues.

I’m so proud of your courage. I’m happy you opened up positive dialogue with your mom. You are making a difference.

[cakewench]

I’m so happy for you, Dr. Cox! ❤️

[elle]

That's wonderful Dr. Cox!

[ilovelamp]

I just want to commiserate. I’m sorry you are dealing with this in your family. It is truly heartbreaking to feel like people are like this much less your own mother. My mom is racist and homophobic, she apparently always has been and has not changed that much over the years. I have learned this about her through random comments she makes about people. I thought she had changed since my high school years when she told me she didn’t want me dating the boy I was dating because he was black. I got drunk with her one year recently for Christmas and she said some awful shit. I have told her my feelings on it and that I won’t have that negative and hateful energy around my family. I don’t spend time with her, my kid either. We just keep distance. She is still my mom, so we catch up once a year on holiday when I go visit my dad and siblings. She doesn’t babysit or anything like that and we stay at my brothers.
It helps that we live five hours from them.
I am currently trying to distance myself from my mil who has shown some awful things to me. It’s been harder because it is my husband’s mother and He is much more forgiving. Sometimes you just can’t fix someone who doesn’t see they are broken. In that case, you have to move on.

[ilovelamp]

Dr. Cox
I also want to say I read your follow up just now and I am happy that you got things cleared up. I’m relieved for you.