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Post by skinandbones on Jun 27, 2017 14:33:30 GMT -6
When it comes to traditionally gendered toys/colors/whatever, DH and I don't identify anything as being "for boys" or "for girls." If DS1 (almost 4) comes home and says something like "pink is for girls," we will tell him that it's for everyone. A couple of months ago DS1 asked me to paint his nails which I did. Some time later after it had chipped I asked if he wanted me to pain them again (he may have been complaining about it chipping). He said no because his teacher told him that nail polish was for girls. I was annoyed but felt it alone. He has since asked me to paint his toe nails, in case you were wondering.
DS1 also has some long hair. It's shoulder length but DH also has shoulder length hair. But we have gotten some flack in public about it DS1 has also very recently started wanting to dress up as a princess. He has asked for a Captain American costume and an Eliza dress. He also has an old tutu of mine which he has worn around the house for like the last 4 days. FIL made a comment to DH (outside of DS1's hearing) along the lines of "are you going to let him dress like that?" DH squashed and said "yes. He's 3."
Today he wanted to take the tutu to show and tell. Like wore the thing out the door. I'm worried the kids are going to tease him. Like at what point to I step in and try to protect him or do I let peer pressure takes it course? Or am I completely overthinking this?
tl;dr: DS1 likes to dress up in traditional girl stuff. We are getting some heat and I'm worried DS1 is going to get teased. Do I do anything?
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Post by CestLaVie on Jun 27, 2017 14:44:25 GMT -6
this is so tricky. I have had the exact same issue. DS had his nails painted and got some flack for it too. I personally don't think I should leave him out when I am doing his sister's and he wants it, but it's hard when that has consequences outside the house. I stopped painting his nails, but I don't do it for DD when he's around anymore. No answers really just commiseration.
For dress up I let whatever fly since no one would look twice if a girl brought a superman costume to school. It's so messed up and hard to navigate.
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Post by librarylady on Jun 27, 2017 14:58:35 GMT -6
I want to answer this a certain way: I want to say that you should not discourage him about this stuff at all. I read this really great article about a dad who has a son that likes to wear dresses and how he takes him to playgrounds wearing tutus and how he deals with people's reactions.
Buuuut.....I feel like I can't say that and leave it at that because as a parent, I would never want my kid to be hurt or embarrassed. I think it is so wrong that little boys would be shamed for wearing "feminine" things but since that is the world we live in, I would probably do anything to spare them being hurt. I don't really think that is the right answer, but probably the realistic one. Now, if I had a kid that DGAF and wanted to rock a skirt or painted nails or something, I would totally be on board with that.
I'm not being helpful at all, but I definitely see the dilemma.
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Post by skinandbones on Jun 27, 2017 15:07:11 GMT -6
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Post by skinandbones on Jun 27, 2017 15:08:42 GMT -6
Maybe my focus should be more about how to stick up for himself and learning not to care what people think??
Like I want him to do what he wants (in this case) but...... kids are jerks.
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Post by avocadotoast on Jun 27, 2017 15:09:47 GMT -6
Hugs. This is tough. No parent wants their child to have to face adversity.
I think you should let him decide how he wants to dress, what he wants to play with - etc. If he wears feminine outfits and is teased for it, he may decide on his own he doesn't want to wear them anymore. Or he may be teased and still choose to wear what he wants. Or he may not be teased. You can't fully predict how things will play out, but I think it's important he's given the opportunity to express himself, and you will deal with the challenges as they come - together as a family.
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jedi
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Post by jedi on Jun 27, 2017 15:09:54 GMT -6
I don't know the answer. No one wants their kid to be teased. I think it's great you let him express himself how he wants and that's the way I'd lean with this if it were me. But at the same time, I'm not in the situation and night feel different if I was
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jedi
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Post by jedi on Jun 27, 2017 15:16:41 GMT -6
For the longest time, s1 favorite color was purple. I even got him purple shin guards and a purple soccer ball when be did soccer last year. Then he came home from preschool one day and said, "purple is a girls color and I can't like it anymore because I'm a boy." I was so sad and mad.
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Post by CestLaVie on Jun 27, 2017 15:44:16 GMT -6
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Post by librarylady on Jun 27, 2017 15:50:55 GMT -6
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Post by librarylady on Jun 27, 2017 15:55:45 GMT -6
skinandbones, so it had been awhile since I read the blog post and I see now that it was more about a dad in your situation and how thankful he was for the other dad's reaction. So maybe not very helpful with advice, but might help to read about another parent dealing with a similar situation. I really like the author's attitude about his son's self expression.
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Post by skinandbones on Jun 27, 2017 16:25:02 GMT -6
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layloo
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Post by layloo on Jun 27, 2017 16:51:33 GMT -6
I haven't read the responses but I'm pretty annoyed with what his teacher said. I read this to MH and he said the same...
I'm also no help because I'd like to think We'd let N do what he wished and not steer him one way or another, but the thought of teasing hurts my heart.
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armpants
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Post by armpants on Jun 27, 2017 17:00:54 GMT -6
Have you talked to him about how some people think some things are just for girls or just for boys, but you think everyone should be able to play with or dress in what they enjoy? I know it might be a lot to take in, but he might understand more than we might think. It might help him to understand why people might make fun of he wants to wear a tutu or have painted nails. But I think I would support him wearing what he wants.
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Post by coconutbacon on Jun 27, 2017 17:04:08 GMT -6
I think you should definitely let him wear what he wants, but it might be kind to prepare him that it's possible that some people will tease him. You can talk about why that's not right or fair, and he can practice with you how he might respond or he may decide that he isn't up for the teasing some days/ places and make the choice to dress differently. But at least the choice was still his.
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Post by redandblue on Jun 27, 2017 18:55:02 GMT -6
This is a great blog. I think that pp have made good points. I really like avocadotoast, comments and thoughts. I think it is important to support him and continue to offer your parenting values of not discriminating by associating gender with material things like clothing. People need to deal with their own uncomfortableness when presented with something they are not familiar with, it's not your job to protect all other people from what makes them uncomfortable for whatever reason. Your job as a parent is to support and love your kids. I will say I also feel frustration towards your son's teacher. Like serious WTF. Some teachers are such idiots. My friend was sharing this weekend some of the stupid things her son's kindergarten teacher has been doing. My friend is a single parent, and her son has never met the biological father. Apparently they were playing a game in the class called 'around the world', where the teacher would call out different things and the children would follow along if it was relevant to them (ie/ 'take 3 steps forward if you have blue eyes'). I guess one of the things she thought relevant was 'take two steps if you have a dad'. I was utterly floored when she told me that. This teacher is fully aware of ALL of the family dynamics and situations of the students by now (seeing as it's June), and my friend's son is the only child in the class who does not 'have a dad', so he was the ONLY child who wasn't able to take two steps forward.....sorry that got long. Teachers are stupid and should be not pushing their own agendas on children, but supporting the family.
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Post by skinandbones on Jun 27, 2017 19:06:27 GMT -6
I haven't read the responses but I'm pretty annoyed with what his teacher said. I read this to MH and he said the same... I'm also no help because I'd like to think We'd let N do what he wished and not steer him one way or another, but the thought of teasing hurts my heart. I was pretty annoyed as well. I let it go since sometimes he gets facts wrong.
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Post by skinandbones on Jun 27, 2017 19:08:22 GMT -6
Have you talked to him about how some people think some things are just for girls or just for boys, but you think everyone should be able to play with or dress in what they enjoy? I know it might be a lot to take in, but he might understand more than we might think. It might help him to understand why people might make fun of he wants to wear a tutu or have painted nails. But I think I would support him wearing what he wants. We sort of do this now. If he says such and such is for girls/boys, we say no, that it is for everyone.
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Post by skinandbones on Jun 27, 2017 19:10:30 GMT -6
I think you should definitely let him wear what he wants, but it might be kind to prepare him that it's possible that some people will tease him. You can talk about why that's not right or fair, and he can practice with you how he might respond or he may decide that he isn't up for the teasing some days/ places and make the choice to dress differently. But at least the choice was still his. We did this when someone in the grocery store commented about his hair. We should probably revisit this (and the other stuff) more often.
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Post by skinandbones on Jun 27, 2017 19:10:56 GMT -6
This is a great blog. I think that pp have made good points. I really like avocadotoast, comments and thoughts. I think it is important to support him and continue to offer your parenting values of not discriminating by associating gender with material things like clothing. People need to deal with their own uncomfortableness when presented with something they are not familiar with, it's not your job to protect all other people from what makes them uncomfortable for whatever reason. Your job as a parent is to support and love your kids. I will say I also feel frustration towards your son's teacher. Like serious WTF. Some teachers are such idiots. My friend was sharing this weekend some of the stupid things her son's kindergarten teacher has been doing. My friend is a single parent, and her son has never met the biological father. Apparently they were playing a game in the class called 'around the world', where the teacher would call out different things and the children would follow along if it was relevant to them (ie/ 'take 3 steps forward if you have blue eyes'). I guess one of the things she thought relevant was 'take two steps if you have a dad'. I was utterly floored when she told me that. This teacher is fully aware of ALL of the family dynamics and situations of the students by now (seeing as it's June), and my friend's son is the only child in the class who does not 'have a dad', so he was the ONLY child who wasn't able to take two steps forward.....sorry that got long. Teachers are stupid and should be not pushing their own agendas on children, but supporting the family. What the hell. That's awful.
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Post by skinandbones on Jun 27, 2017 19:18:12 GMT -6
So tonight I asked DH if his teacher said anything about his tutu (Tuesday's he has a different teacher). He said she did but couldn't remember. I asked if it was nice or hurt his feelings. He said it was nice. He also put the tutu on as soon as I picked him up so I guess today went well.
Thanks everyone for the feedback.
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Post by redandblue on Jun 27, 2017 19:47:23 GMT -6
So tonight I asked DH if his teacher said anything about his tutu (Tuesday's he has a different teacher). He said she did but couldn't remember. I asked if it was nice or hurt his feelings. He said it was nice. He also put the tutu on as soon as I picked him up so I guess today went well. Thanks everyone for the feedback. LOL....but what about your DS's teacher? Sorry couldn't resist....
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aydee
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Post by aydee on Jun 27, 2017 22:35:53 GMT -6
In our home, I let all of our kids dress or play however they want, and I absolutely encourage that. Out of our house, I'm more careful, because I know that DS is likely to be teased by peers if he shows up at preschool in a princess dress and a necklace. If he insisted on wanting to wear them, I probably would warn him in advance that his peers might possibly comment on his choices.
Nail polish has been a tricky issue for me. I feel bad painting DD's nails and denying DS, but nail polish isn't as easily removed as a dress or a necklace when it's time to go out. I don't blame DS for wanting something that looks pretty or feels special. The balance we've settled on is that we bought special stamps/ink that he can put on his feet, hands, etc... on the rare occasion that we paint DD's nails. So far he's been happy with that and seems to feel special too when he gets to do that.
It's a really hard issue. There aren't any great answers. Ideally we'd live in a society where nobody gives a fuck and people can dress/look however they want, but sadly that's not our current reality.
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armpants
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Post by armpants on Jun 28, 2017 4:53:53 GMT -6
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Post by fierymama on Jun 28, 2017 5:26:48 GMT -6
I just wanted to add that I love everyone saying that he should be allowed to wear and do what he wants to matter if it is "girly" or not. DS has never been big on playing dress up so I haven't had any experience here. DS has lately said that colors are either boy colors or girl colors and I told him that colors are for everyone.
To the teachers that make comments, that irritates me. They are supposed to be there to support the kids, not put them down and make them feel like they are "wrong" for their style choices. :-(
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Post by RunsforWineandCarbs on Jun 28, 2017 5:33:02 GMT -6
so i guess my below pictures are frowned upon by society? i say fuck them. yep, that's where i stand. PDQ
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Post by 45thparallel on Jun 28, 2017 8:20:20 GMT -6
Gendered clothing? What's that? Pdq poof
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Peekaru
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Post by Peekaru on Jun 28, 2017 9:49:44 GMT -6
I think most of the people giving him a hard time are not his peers, it is the adults.
Kids don't care, and they want to do what they see parents and loved ones doing. He will grow out of it, or he won't, but either way, you'll love him. And that's what matters the most.
My son picked out pink ballet PJs, and demanded pink sandals. He has his toe nails painted, if anyone says anything to him, I will take them to task.
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layloo
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Post by layloo on Jun 28, 2017 9:55:10 GMT -6
fuck that teacher, redandblue. That makes me so sad. I do have to stick my foot in my mouth often, but man, that makes me very sad.
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Post by redandblue on Jun 28, 2017 17:41:38 GMT -6
layloo no kidding about that teacher. It makes me so Flippin angry.
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