bazi
Opal
Posts: 8,731 Likes: 54,666
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Post by bazi on Mar 3, 2019 8:27:41 GMT -6
OP, could you get into see your therapist this week, to lay everything out and get his/her feedback?
Assuming he’s not actually in a position to give all your money away and there aren’t other safety concerns, you don’t have to make a decision right now.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 3, 2019 8:27:54 GMT -6
From what you have said about your finances and the way you manage them and watch them, the $50k offer sounds like a lot of shit talking to me. Would he even have access to that amount of money to give away if you manage most of it? I don’t manage his retirement savings but they are locked away and would incur a huge penalty to withdraw. Not that it would stop him. In the fall we did a credit check with a mortgage broker because we are thinking of refinancing or moving, we have a great score and qualify for a much larger mortgage than we have. We have debt but we both have good jobs and make more than enough money for him to qualify for an increase in a line of credit or a loan in the $50000 range, which is why it’s so upsetting.
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Pistol
Diamond
Posts: 28,064 Likes: 62,420
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Post by Pistol on Mar 3, 2019 8:34:08 GMT -6
*whispers does don’t have antlers...* I love that there is a committee of posters here that will not allow animal references to stand unless they are correct per National Geographic standards. We have had people confess not knowing stuff about animals, like ponies aren’t baby horses and narwhals do exist, so I just like to sprinkle in knowledge when I actually know something.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2019 8:36:13 GMT -6
From what you have said about your finances and the way you manage them and watch them, the $50k offer sounds like a lot of shit talking to me. Would he even have access to that amount of money to give away if you manage most of it? This was my thought too, unless you are in a very $$$$ financial situation. Maybe that was just bullshit and an excuse to talk to this chick. This was what I was suspecting too, but then OP mentioned drug use? Is his drug use like pot, or something harder? I also just want to say that I am so sorry you’re in this situation. It sucks. And I know it feels impossible now, but the way I suggest you proceed is to imagine how someone you really respect would handle it and follow their imaginary lead.
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Pistol
Diamond
Posts: 28,064 Likes: 62,420
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Post by Pistol on Mar 3, 2019 8:40:40 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, sorry for my off topic chatter. I’m not trying to downplay your situation at all. I don’t have much else to add. I agree with trying to get in to see your therapist solo and then maybe together and see if he/she can help you navigate the difficult discussion.
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Post by icedcoffee on Mar 3, 2019 8:47:52 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, have you had reason in the past not to trust him financially before?
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Post by readyornot on Mar 3, 2019 9:25:11 GMT -6
I just don’t even know where to start, we talk and it goes bad, do I kick him out? Like what do I do? I’m pretty sure he suspects I looked at his phone last night. I’m very happy that a lot of you have great marriages and can give me perspective on things but it’s not super easy for someone in my position to have a good perspective on things because things have been so twisted for so long. To be honest it’s all become mostly normal to me. The hardest part is starting the conversation, because the response/reaction/aftermath is going to change your path forever. So take a deep breath, focus on staying calm, & dive in. Make notes beforehand of key points you want to make sure & cover, because if he is up to something, he will talk circles around you, redirect the issue to be a YOU problem, & make you loose your train of thought & question yourself. Don't let him do that. Are you in a position where you could afford to stay where you are without his income? Do you have people who could help you find a place to stay if not? For the children's sake, it is typically easier for the H to leave while mom stays in the home with them, keeping their routines as normal as possible. However, that's not always possible & your kids will adjust regardless, I promise. If it comes down to him leaving, I would suggest filing some kind of temporary order where he starts paying you child support sooner rather than later. We initially told our kids we were "taking a break to work on some things" vs separating. The verbiage seemed...softer?...for them, & they handled it well. I definitely understand what you mean by it's been twisted for a while but was also your normal. When you are in the thick of a shitty situation you tend to gloss over things that an outsider would know as a red flag. This is your husband, your marriage, your life. You think it's not as bad as it is, because yesterday was a good day (or whatever). Having that initial conversation is so scary, but definitely worth it in the end. You deserve to be happy, & I suggest you hold on to that fact as you head into the conversation. This is your life, & your future, too. Demand better for yourself ❤
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 3, 2019 10:03:06 GMT -6
This was my thought too, unless you are in a very $$$$ financial situation. Maybe that was just bullshit and an excuse to talk to this chick. This was what I was suspecting too, but then OP mentioned drug use? Is his drug use like pot, or something harder? I also just want to say that I am so sorry you’re in this situation. It sucks. And I know it feels impossible now, but the way I suggest you proceed is to imagine how someone you really respect would handle it and follow their imaginary lead. This is good advice, thanks. As far as I know pot only but in my FB messenger snooping I saw messages between him and a women that appeared to have connections to a dealer, she mentioned stopping because people were dying, presumably of fentynl overdoses, so something harder may be in play? A friend of his is struggling with addiction so maybe he was reaching out to buy on his behalf?
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 3, 2019 10:05:18 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, have you had reason in the past not to trust him financially before? Other than what’s been mentioned before no reason, he’s not great with money and I’m way more frugal and get stressed out about it. He’s got the attitude that things will all work out, he also has a taste for the nicer things but is seemingly ok with our current situation.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 3, 2019 10:07:03 GMT -6
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STP
Diamond
Posts: 43,596 Likes: 316,391
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Post by STP on Mar 3, 2019 10:24:56 GMT -6
I think the ladies who have been in these particular trenches are the right ones to continue on with advice, but I'm thinking about you suspiciouswife. I am so sorry you're in this position, and you do not deserve to be. Nothing that has happened in your marriage justifies making you feel the way you are right now. I hope the next days bring at least some form of clarity on your small steps forward.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 4, 2019 9:57:37 GMT -6
Thanks for all your great advice it was so helpful and was a real boost to my confidence. I confronted him last night starting with why we weren’t having sex and went from there. So at this point he has admitted to a porn addiction, using more than cannibis for drugs and being in a small amount of debt. He has yet to open his bank accounts to me, I was exhausted and didn’t push it since there will be a trail if he tries to hide. He denied ever engaging in any sort of inappropriate behavior with any women and I confronted him with the messages to the stripper/part time massage therapist about the $50 000.
The whole time he was not forthcoming, I kept asking open questions that I knew the answers to.I gave him an opportunity at the beginning to be truthful and come clean with any sort of inappropriate behavior, multiple times I asked if it was it or if there was more. At no time did he apologize or tell me he loved me or was sorry. He did blame me saying he was lonely and didn’t like that I kept turning him down.
So this morning he’s at work I’ve searched the house, taken any of my and my kids valuables out of the safe, I’m selling a bunch of the kids stuff that’s been siting around so I have some cash in my pocket in a addition to my savings. I’m basically ready to burn it down. The lack of remorse and his messages to me this morning read like he thinks he’s done nothing wrong and that is so messed up.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 4, 2019 9:58:40 GMT -6
Oh and I recorded the whole conversation because I didn’t want him to gaslight me and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from here and the Kardashians you can never have too many receipts.
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redbears
Sapphire
Posts: 4,563 Likes: 13,212
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Post by redbears on Mar 4, 2019 10:00:55 GMT -6
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STP
Diamond
Posts: 43,596 Likes: 316,391
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Post by STP on Mar 4, 2019 10:05:46 GMT -6
You killed it. That’s a badass way to handle it, and react to his bullshit. Good for you!
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sullivan
Platinum
Posts: 1,900 Likes: 7,312
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Post by sullivan on Mar 4, 2019 10:09:24 GMT -6
I’m sorry he didn’t seem like he saw anything wrong with any of his behavior. I hope you can figure this out in the best way for you and your children. Sounds like you handled that first conversation in the best way possible.
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mack
Amethyst
Posts: 6,437 Likes: 49,767
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Post by mack on Mar 4, 2019 10:19:07 GMT -6
I don’t know if you or anyone else recall an argument we had here about SAHMs stashing away “just in case” money or what my mother called “mattress money”, but I tell you what even though I got flamed for doing that, I was so fucking thankful I did. Because you’re right, money makes the world go round and whether we like it or not it’s a fact of life. So, yes, I get what you’re saying. Even working mothers. I seee a lot of people post “my paycheck is essentially daycare” and I’m like stash even 60$ a check. Biweekly that’s still over 1500 a year. That’s enough to dash real quick if something goes left. FFMC: I am a working mom. All our accounts are joint. Except I have one savings account that MH does not know about. I have $25 per paycheck deposited into it. I have no reason (that I know of) to need my own source of cash. But you never know and I like knowing that it's accumulating if I were to ever need it.
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mack
Amethyst
Posts: 6,437 Likes: 49,767
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Post by mack on Mar 4, 2019 10:28:06 GMT -6
suspiciouswife I am sorry you are dealing with this but I am glad you confronted him and that you are refusing to let him gaslight you.
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Post by lucilleaustero on Mar 4, 2019 10:31:11 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, just seeing this post. That must have been a really hard conversation to have. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
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Post by veganontuesdays on Mar 4, 2019 11:13:01 GMT -6
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thatgolfb
Unicorn
Posts: 55,130 Likes: 235,500
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Post by thatgolfb on Mar 4, 2019 11:17:07 GMT -6
I am so sorry suspiciouswife. I am very impressed with the calm and efficient way you handled this.
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lizblue
Sapphire
Posts: 3,564 Likes: 27,798
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Post by lizblue on Mar 4, 2019 11:27:10 GMT -6
I'm really proud of you suspiciouswife. Of course there could've been a path forward with him, but it would require complete honesty and remorsefulness from him and a 100% commitment from him to work on this going forward - it does not sound like you have that. This is your one life, you know? You get to decide how it goes and what you're willing to accept. It took me longer to figure that out than I would have liked. But now that I"m on the other side of it, there is no question that I set the standards for how my partner treats me. And my life is so so much better than it's ever been because of that. HOld on to that notion through the hard times. Your best days lie ahead of you - I'm sure of it.
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Pistol
Diamond
Posts: 28,064 Likes: 62,420
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Post by Pistol on Mar 4, 2019 11:29:09 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would add running a credit check on yourself and just making sure everything looks right. Also, I would print off statements and close out all joint accounts and put his half in an envelope for him. Or put it in your own account and write him a check for the paper trail. I have seen (when I was a bank teller) couples going into divorce territory and one will go in and pull out all the money and then some causing the account to overdraw, then the other person has to bring it up to a zero balance before they can close the account.
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Post by icedcoffee on Mar 4, 2019 11:32:33 GMT -6
Great job! I'm sure it is painful but just remember, this is him doing this to your family, not you. You gave him the chance to communicate openly. The fact that he is placing the blame on you is shitty. Stay focused on the future
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Post by Rusty Red on Mar 4, 2019 11:32:33 GMT -6
I'm sorry for the conclusion but proud of you for standing up for yourself. No advice other than what has been given, just stay steady and remember you can handle this. You have already proven that.
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Post by readyornot on Mar 4, 2019 11:47:36 GMT -6
I'm sorry he was so emoitionless during such an important conversation suspiciouswife. He may be thinking that if he can keep this all low key & bide his time unless you are done being mad it will just all blow over. I'm proud of you for taking the lead on securing your finances. "A small amount of debt" & not yet giving you access to his accounts worries me. Stay strong❤
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Minerva
Ruby
Posts: 15,383 Likes: 67,036
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Post by Minerva on Mar 4, 2019 11:51:27 GMT -6
suspiciouswife, I am so sorry you are going through this, but glad to hear you are taking steps to secure things for yourself and the kids. I wish you strength and eventually peace and happiness, whatever happens with your relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 11:59:46 GMT -6
I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself! I mean the situation sucks and no matter what you decide to do, you should know that you have the support of at least one internet admirer.
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Post by Pumpkinwest on Mar 4, 2019 12:04:41 GMT -6
Will be thinking of you as you move forward. Know the ladies on here will support you!
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Post by kellykapow on Mar 4, 2019 12:10:56 GMT -6
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but I’m glad that you are standing up for yourself. I know it can’t be easy. Sending hugs. ❤️
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